Dickiebliss’s Blog

Chronicling the fortunes of Getupfront is becoming a very depressing job for this blogger. Every week it’s yet another tale of woe, another episode of ineptitude, a saga of footballing farce. When will it ever end? When will the story have a different ending?

Well certainly not this time. Those of you who love a routine will be comforted to know that this match report has all the usual ingredients…Two  defeats? Check! Masses of goals conceded? Check! Shocking lack of any football know how whatsoever? Check! It’s all here and more…

The cast of characters? The usual suspects…Bayliss, Tony Ward, Pete “new boy” Redford….the only change was the return of Jay Robson from injury after missing the previous week’s slaughter meaning a squad of 6 and guaranteeing a substitute for once.

Game 1 Getupfront 1 – 12 FC Tigers

As with every other week the night started off with some form of resistance on display from the boys and with 6 minutes of the 1st half played the score was only 0-2. The 6 minute mark was enough for Bayliss’ legs to start screaming for respite and so the player manager subbed himself for Tony Ward, comfortable in the knowledge that he had played his part in a respectable showing so far.

The 4 minutes that followed up to half time played out like a horror show in front of his eyes as he stood helpless on the sidelines. Not since his playing days as a child with the Cubs had Bayliss been associated with such a sporting shambles (on his debut for the Cubs aged 9 and a half, he’d been part of a team that lost 26-1! Ouch!)

Getupfront literally self imploded – 5 more goals were conceded in those 4 minutes that felt like 4 lifetimes to Bayliss and his team mates. The catastrophic errors being made gifting goals to the opposition were criminal. Keeper Stu Taylor was apoplectic with frustration and rage. As the half time klaxon sounded, for the first time ever in his Getupfront career, Bayliss really didn’t feel like coming back onto court for the next half.

“Don’t worry Harry, I was shit when I played for England too”

This was more depressing than realising that not only was Gareth Southgate the best choice for caretaker England manager, he was actually the best choice for the permanent job.

Half time: Getupfront 0 – 7 FC Tigers

Inevitably in the second half FC Tigers got bored and just started toying with their prey, knocking the ball about from side to side as the Getupfront boys manically scuttled across court chasing shadows like demented crabs.

Actually, that’s unfair to crabs – check out the back heels on this guy!

When they could be bothered to, Tigers would pop the ball in Taylor’s net and only a solitary strike from Jay Robson avoided the dreaded “brush” for the second game on the trot after losing 0-15 to Unreal Madrid the previous week. At full time Getupfront looked more lost and bewildered than Wayne Rooney finding himself playing centre forward once more.

Full time: Getupfront 1 – 12 FC Tigers

Game 2 Getupfront 4 – 12 FC Tigers

Things couldn’t get any worse could they? Well statistically I suppose they didn’t – yes the boys were beaten out of sight again, yes they conceded 12 goals again, yes they were awful again but they did at least score a whole 4 goals and in the world of Getupfront, that’s progress. Indeed at one point they were actually level in the 2nd game and not just by default at 0-0 one second after kick off! Despite going 0-2 down early on, goals from Jay Robson and cousin Lee (the latter actually being a well worked move) meant that the score was astonishingly 2-2!

If only that blasted full time klaxon could have sounded there and then. Of course there was still plenty of time left for FC Tigers to rattle in five goals without further reply before half time. And yet this wasn’t even the worse thing to befall Getupfront before the interval, as Jay “sick note” Robson succumbed to yet another injury after he was savagely hacked down whilst attempting one of his daring length of the pitch dribbles.

Jay Robson feels the pain vs FC Tigers

Unable to carry on Robson would not be seen again for the rest of the evening. Outraged at the treatment being handed out to his team mate, player-manager Bayliss confronted the perpetrator of the foul declaring “Look mate, you’re going to beat us whatever so cut out the rough stuff eh?”. Hmm…maybe not the encouragement and belief in them that his team will have been looking for from their leader.

Half time: Getupfront 2 – 7 FC Tigers

The final half turned out to be Getupfront’s best of the night losing only 2-5 over the 10 minutes of play. This was mainly due to the goal power of Lee who completed a hat-trick for the evening including a lovely volleyed finish from a Pete Redford set up. Although you couldn’t say that it brought respectability to the scoreline, it at least made sure that it wasn’t indecent.

Full time: Getupfront 4 – 12 FC Tigers

How they rated

Stuart Taylor

Goals: N/A

Rating: 7/10

Comment: Has a goalkeeper ever performed so outstandingly and yet been beaten so many times? Week after week Taylor is the difference between Getupfront being soundly beaten  and being totally and utterly blown away. Couldn’t give any more. MOTM

Pete Redford

Goals: 0

Rating: 5/10

Comment: Still waiting to break his goal duck but showed some nice touches. Unfortunately though for Getupfront not enough of them.

Richard Bayliss

Goals: 0

Rating: 5/10 

Comment: Every week Bayliss gets rinsed in this blog and mostly its well deserved. To be fair to him this week though, he wasn’t awful (he wasn’t great either) but he wasn’t awful. Ran, harried, won a few tackles, completed a few passes – but nothing that was ever going to influence the game in any meaningful way. So a bit like Wayne Rooney then!

Tony Ward

Goals: 0

Rating: 4/10

Comment: A dreadful night for Tony – he was sacked in possession of the ball over and over again – in fact he was sacked more times than a Leeds Utd manager. You could never doubt Tony’s heart or passion but oh dear….

Lee

Goals: 3

Rating: 6/10 

Comment: A couple of quality finishes were the highlights of Lee’s night. Lee is a keen angler but too often failed land the nibbles he got in front of goal. Solid if unspectacular.

Jay Robson

Goals: 2

Rating: 6/10 

Comment: Claimed a brace but his evening was ruined by another bad injury which forced him to retire early. With the injuries now piling up for Robson, have we seen the last of this Getupfront great?

There are some things in football that are just too painful to recollect. For this blogger, the Chelsea 78-79 season is particularly harrowing, for Getupfront stalwart Jay Robson it must be Newcastle’s supposed stroll to the title in 1996 imploding, for all of us there are all those England defeats on penalties (well the England national team full stop actually) and now there is another horror story to add to this dark collection…

Remember this Jay?…..never fails to entertain!

After some last minute negotiations over new recruit Pete’s transfer fee, Getupfront were just able to field a team of 5 for last Sunday’s meeting with perennial adversaries Pearson Park Pork Pies – a bit of a reality check after the previous week’s ample squad of 7. With 2 of the 5 being Tony Ward and player manager Bayliss (combined age 99 lets not forget), it promised to be a long night….

Game 1: Getupfront 1 – 9 Pearson Park Pork Pies

Despite the eventual outcome, it had all started reasonably well. As the 4 and a half minute mark ticked over the scoreboard showed 0-0. The Getupfront defence was tight and working hard to marshall their (much) younger opposition. True, the ball had taken up permanent residence in the Getupfront half and Tony Ward had yet to touch the ball as the lone striker but the scoreboard didn’t lie. This was OK. However, the danger with this “defend, defend and defend some more” plan is that once the gates are breached  the game is up. You are forced to go looking for goals , the formation loses it shape, the play is stretched and holes appear. And Pearson Park Pork Pies were more than capable of exploiting said holes. Three goals were conceded in quick succession despite some fantastic saves by Stuart Taylor in the Getupfront goal. What a night for Stu – he turned in one of the all-time great keeping performances and yet by the evening was all played out he had conceded 15 goals. His frustration was palpable.

Half-time: Getupfront 0 – 3 Pearson Park Pork Pies

And yet , as stated by newbie Pete in the break, “that could have been a lot worse”…unfortunately for Pete and his team mates there was no could about it from here on in. Time and again in the 2nd half, Getupfront were cruelly exposed, metaphorically caught with their shorts around their ankles, as the goals flew in. And to add to the shame, they seemed to be conceding the exact same goal over and over. Every time there seemed to be an opposition player totally unmarked and in space with time to pick his spot before scoring. At one point it seemed as if Pearson Park Pork Pies were forming an orderly queue to score.

At the end of the first game, the referee found this near to the Getupfront goal

By the end of game 1, that damned scoreboard was literally mocking Getupfront, blazing the score at them. It was a battering, there were no excuses and no hiding places….and the humiliation was only half way through….

Full-time: Getupfront 1 – 9 Pearson Park Pork Pies

Game 2: Getupfront 0 – 6 Pearson Park Pork Pies

After such a mauling in the first game, what was the Getupfront plan for game 2? From the evidence on court it seemed to be a mixture of “damage limitation and play like we did in game 1”. It was like Groundhog day – the same mistakes made again and again. Passes misplaced, nobody showing for the ball, shoddy marking, poor ball control and zero goal threat. Actually no…there was one massive chance to avoid the ultimate 5-a-side shame of a shut out (i.e. no goals scored). Jay Robson struck the base of the post with a shot that rebounded straight into the path of Bayliss. It was a simple tap-in. The goalkeeper was sprawled on the floor and the net unguarded. Any sort of first time connection would have done the job. But Bayliss was so poor on the night that even this was beyond him. Lacking the confidence to hit the ball first time, he struggled to get it out from under his feet and when he finally did, he swung  wildly at the ball sending it careering high and wide of the goal. Truly awful.

Half-time: Getupfront 0 – 3 Pearson Park Pork Pies

With no subs available, the night’s final half was always going to be a hard watch for Getupfront fans (if such a thing exists). Somehow, due to a combination of Taylor;’s outstanding keeping and wasteful opposition shooting, the score stood at 0-6 with 2 minutes left. it was at this point that Jay Robson’s groin gave up the ghost and he had to leave the pitch in agony. The ruling on going down to 4 players is that the front player regulation no longer applies meaning that Getupfront could literally park themselves in their own half. Bayliss, in a rare show of tactics, decided this was the way to go and they played out the rest of the game with no attempt to try and get the ball in the opposition half and thereby inflicting the final and ultimate shame upon themselves by even ridiculing their own team name.

Bayliss isn’t the first manager to adopt a “no forwards” formation. This is the then Scotland manager Craig Levein’s infamous 4-6-0 line-up for a game vs Czech Republic in 2010 – they lost of course.

By the end of the night, Bayliss had led Getupfront to their 17th straight defeat and rock bottom of the league with zero points. If there is a worse record currently in the UK we are yet to hear of it.

Full-time: Getupfront 0 – 6 Pearson Park Pork Pies

How they rated

Stuart Taylor

Goals: N/A

Rating: 8/10 MOTM

Comment: By far the easiest Man of the Match decision this blogger has ever had to make. A blinding show of goalkeeping. The thought of what the scoreboard might have displayed without Taylor in goals is horrific.

Pete

Goals: 0

Rating: 6/10

Comment: Unfair to lambast Pete due to a) being the new boy he is still in his honeymoon period with the (ahem) fans  and b) if it wasn’t for Pete’s last minute agreement to play, there wouldn’t have been a game at all….Hang on…if Pete hadn’t played none of this would have happened? It IS all his fault!

Richard Bayliss

Goals: 0

Rating: 4/10 

Comment: Useless

Tony Ward

Goals: 0

Rating: 5/10

Comment: A brave attempt to impersonate a footballer that wasn’t quite convincing enough.

Jay Robson

Goals: 1

Rating: 6/10

Comment: Gets a 6 for being the only player able to score a goal over 40 minutes of football and the sympathy vote for his nasty sounding injury. Nobody wants to have to contemplate an inflamed groin do they? Oh sorry! Quick where’s the Brain Bleach?!

New beginnings eh? Don’t you just love them. A time for optimism and renewed hope.   A time when the phrase “It’ll be different this time” doesn’t sound hollow. There are of course many examples of new starts throughout popular culture. Take Star Wars for instance, or Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope to give it its full title, probably the best loved of the saga’s films with its theme of the resurrection of a force for good and the hope of a better future.

Football of course is also a perfect platform for new beginnings. What fan doesn’t get that whiff of excitement come the first day of the new season when a ball has yet to be kicked, destinies are yet to be played out and everyone starts again on the same amount of points (i.e. zero). And what about the buzz you get when your team has made a clutch of new signings just in time for the new season’s  opening weekend? Where will they play? How will they play? What chant will they get dedicated to them?

Football history is littered with examples of new teams being built out of the ashes of those who went before. We all know about Fergie and his rebuilding of Man Utd with about 3 different teams. My personal favourite though is when my beloved Chelsea were rebuilt in the Summer of 1983 with 6 new players brought in who led the club to promotion and the 2nd division title.

And what has all this got to do with Getupfront? Well our boys experienced their own new beginning last weekend when their starting five featured not one but TWO brand new recruits to the cause! The  “Faithful 5” squad of Taylor, Robson, Bayliss and Luke and Tony Ward had been stretched to breaking point – indeed the team had not played since July due to absences that had decimated the tiny pool of players. There had even been talk of – gulp! – packing it all in!

Only Tony Ward and Richard Bayliss are old enough to remember these guys

Cometh the hour though cometh Pete (Tony Ward’s mate) and Lee (Jay Robson’s cousin), a double act that was only 2 letters away from being a schmaltzy pop duo from the 70s.

Game 1: Getupfront 2-7 FC Tigers

The decision was made to put both newcomers in the starting line-up meaning Tony Ward and Bayliss were left on the sidelines thereby knocking a combined 99 years off the age of the team at one stroke.  In an unlikely move, Jay Robson surrendered his normal lone striker role and Getupfront began with Lee as the man up top. The new formation brought immediate dividends with Robson skating through the opposition defence to score the opener and put the boys one up! A new beginning indeed! However, this brave new world soon turned out to be a false dawn as FC Tigers took control of the game and rattled in 3 goals by half time. The only other Getupfront highlight came when Robson tanked a strike right into the ref’s head. Ouch!

Half time: Getupfront 1-3 FC Tigers

The 2nd half didn’t bring a reverse in the fortunes for our heroes. Despite no lack of effort the boys were unable to prevent 4 more goals being shipped with only a solitary strike by the ever industrious Luke Ward in reply.

Jim Royle gives his verdict on Getupfront

A new beginning my arse!

Full time: Getupfront 2-7 FC Tigers

Game 2: Getupfront 4-6 FC Tigers

The break between games brought the usual discussion about what was going wrong – this week’s theory was that the boys were not pressing the opposition enough. So with renewed intention to “press” more than Johnsons Dry Cleaners on Clough Road or at least as much as Liverpool under Jurgen Klopp, Getupfront went to battle again.

The pressing thing seemed to be working as the match ebbed and flowed but crucially with our heroes staying in the game. A well taken debut goal from Lee and another smart finish from Luke Ward meant that half time came with only one goal in it.

Half time: Getupfront 2-3 FC Tigers

The night’s final half saw that new beginning feeling on the rise again as Getupfront equalised and then took the lead within a 2 minute period. First, Richard Bayliss, inspired by reading his 80s hero Kerry Dixon’s autobiography in the week, found a clever reverse shot into the corner after being set up by Luke Ward and then Jay Robson fired in a fierce pile-driver after being set up by a quickly taken free kick by Bayliss. GET IN!

At  this point player – manager Bayliss, believing his work was done, subbed himself for the night and was not on court to see his dreams of a long awaited victory disappear under a weight of attacks from FC Tigers that turned the match on its head. Three goals without reply meant Bayliss* and Getupfront  had to experience that sinking feeling yet again.

Full time: Getupfront 4-6 FC Tigers

*To be fair to Bayliss, this management lark and the whole process of picking players isn’t that easy. Even the greats get it wrong sometimes…

How they rated

Stuart Taylor

Goals: N/A

Rating: 7/10

Comment: A new beginning for his team but Stu remains as solid as ever even pulling off a penalty save in the 2nd game. Players may come and go but Taylor really is irreplaceable.

Pete

Goals: 0

Rating: 7/10

Comment: Looked to be a decent player. Never tried to hide, comfortable in possession and delivered a few killer passes. Unfortunately his performance was somewhat curtailed by being hit by the ball right in his nads early on! Welcome to the team Pete!

Richard Bayliss

Goals: 1

Rating: 7/10 

Comment: No 5 goal heroics this time but you know what – he wasn’t half bad again. Well – he wasn’t useless which in the case of the player- manager is definite progress. Even managed to squeeze himself onto the score sheet once more.

Tony Ward

Goals: 0

Rating: 6/10

Comment: Poor old Tone didn’t really do himself justice as he was coming back from not one but two injuries ( probably a week or two too early ). Only managed intermittent game time and nothing at all in the final half of the 2nd game. He will come back stronger and remains the only Getupfront player ever to pick up an injury whilst doing nothing on holiday.

Luke Ward

Goals: 2

Rating: 8/10 MOTM

Comment: Its about time Ward the younger got proper recognition for what he does in the team. Ran his socks of and took his goals well. Take a bow Luke.

Jay Robson

Goals: 2

Rating: 7/10

Comment: Pretty good stuff from Robson despite operating from a much deeper position than normal. Could it be that Jay is going down the Wayne Rooney route of switching from striker to midfield as the years catch up with him? Exactly how old are you anyway Jay?

Lee

Goals: 1

Rating: 7/10

Comment: Promising performance. Played the whole game up top and was rewarded for his endeavours with a debut goal. Could Lee be another goal threat to take the weight of  responsibility from Robson?

Dear reader let me tell you a tale, a tale so fantastical as to be preposterous, so far-fetched that even in this barmy year of 2016 when seemingly anything might and will happen, this just couldn’t.

Bah! This guy has nothing on Bayliss

Forget, Jamie Vardy, forget the whole of Leicester City even, move over Roy of the Rovers – you are all officially redundant in the “it can’t be true” stakes for this, my friends, is the story of how Richard Bayliss scored FIVE goals in one night in the Sunday 5-a-side league!

No wait…come back! It’s true I swear. There were witnesses! This is not a drill!

So how could this have happened you ask? This blogger can offer no logical reason except that maybe, just maybe, every deluded fool who thinks he can play football despite having no evidence of his ability to do so, gets one day in a lifetime where the stars align and everything they try just comes off. This was that day for Richard Bayliss.

There was no hint of the bizarre events to come as Sunday dawned. Indeed at one stage Getupfront did not have enough players to form a team. Only a last ditch text to Aaron Barwick who had routinely refused to pay for the lads since his one off appearance weeks ago meant that this monumental day could be played out. Finally, Aaron had run out of excuses why he couldn’t play and so it was a small but intrepid team of 5 that arrived at the Pro Soccer centre to play long standing rivals FC Tigers.

Game 1: Getupfront 5-6 FC Tigers

Early doors there was no indication of the legendary events to come as the boys were soon 2-0 down as is their customary way. As half time approached though Aaron Barwick swung his leg at a loose ball and managed to guide it beyond the Tigers keeper and into the corner. At least Getupfront had avoided the 5-a-side nadir of a shut out and had registered on the scoreboard. And then seconds before the break, the first chapter of this fairy tale was written. Keeper Stu Taylor lofted a clearance upfield where Richard Bayliss, stranded in the opposition half by his lack of fitness, was loitering. No danger there then thought the opposition. Job done. Half time lead and a swig of water here we come. Except…somehow Bayliss had managed to track the trajectory of Taylor’s clearance and had got his head to it. As it spun off the Bayliss bonce, the Tigers keeper looked behind him in despair as it landed in the net. Well well….an equaliser and from the unlikeliest source. But this was just the start…

Half time: Getupfront 2-2 FC Tigers

Inspired by his late goal, Bayliss decided to stay upfront despite the more obvious claims of 18 year old Luke Ward. With Aaron Barwick doing a great job of pulling the strings in the middle of the court, cajoling and encouraging his team mates to ever greater deeds and Taylor ever reliable between the sticks, this was not turning into the rout that had been feared.

The action was frenetic with FC Tigers forging a 3-2 lead early on in the 2nd half. Normally this would have been the cue for a Getupfront collapse but this was no ordinary day. Barwick strode upfield and passed to Bayliss on the wide right. The player-manager looked up and side-footed a precise low drive from a tight angle across the Tigers keeper and into the net via the foot of the far post. Wow! That was actually a very tidy finish and a 2nd goal of the night for Bayliss!

Have you ever seen a man look so pleased with himself ?

However, the lead wasn’t to last long as FC Tigers cored again to go ahead for a 3rd time soon after. Ah well, it was good while it lasted the boys might have been forgiven for thinking but no….at this point the story went from unlikely to surely not? Luke Ward hoisted a ball hopefully up field and there again was Bayliss underneath it. With a flick of his neck muscles he looped the ball up and over the advancing Tigers keeper and it floated into the unguarded net. Oh..my…God…a Bayliss hat-trick and another headed goal. And the goal was good – even the opposition applauded it’s execution. What on Earth was going on?

But still the story was not yet fully told. Luke Ward found found himself blocked off on the right hand side of the Tigers goal and so used the boards to play a rebound hoping it would fall to a team mate. This play is used all the time in 5-a-side but rarely comes off. It’s like corners in 11-a-side – if you check the stats corners rarely lead to goals being scored which undermines the value so many of us, fans and commentators, put on them.

Corners rarely lead to goals eh? Never get tired of seeing this one…

But this was no ordinary night, this was the night when legends were made so of course on this occasion it fell to none other than Bayliss to prod home for his 4th of the night and to put his team 5-4 up!

Bayliss cannot believe it and has to count his goals on his fingers so many has he scored

The game had now entered the realms of pure fantasy but there was to be no fairy tale ending for Getupfront. A scrappy equaliser for FC Tigers  was forced home and then with literally 15 seconds left, their lanky forward, enraged by having what he thought was a good goal chalked off earlier as the ref couldn’t determine if his shot had crossed the line or not, grabbed the ball, out ran the Getupfront defence and steam-hammered a drive into the top corner. Heartbreak!

So game 1 was lost but Bayliss had scored 4 goals and that was the real story.

Full time: Getupfront 5-6 FC Tigers

Game 2: Getupfront 2-3 FC Tigers

After all that drama, the second game seemed rather an afterthought but played it had to be. Aaron Barwick rallied the troops once more exhorting them to “stick to the plan – it’s  working”. There was a plan? Yes there was and it was this – give the ball to Bayliss and he will score. You have no idea how weird it feels to type those words!

The second game was a much tighter affair with a stale mate breaking out for the first 6 minutes of the 1st half. Then Taylor was finally beaten and yet again it seemed that Getupfront may crumble. But cometh the hour, cometh the man and that man – for once in his life – was Bayliss. Luke Ward broke down the right hand side and swung a delicious ball into the middle where Bayliss was lurking. He followed the flight of the ball and manoeuvred himself into position before extending a telescopic limb Peter Crouch style to prod the ball the other side of the Tigers keeper. GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! This was unreal. Bayliss had now scored 5 goals on the trot for his team. 5 goals I tell you!

His 5 goal haul puts Bayliss on a par with Robert Lewandowski (ahem)…

Half time: Getupfront 1-1 FC Tigers

FC Tigers were now clearly rattled – this was supposed to be an easy game, a gimme but it was turning out to be anything but. And it suddenly got worse for them as they conceded a free kick on the edge of their area. Whilst they disputed its  validity with the ref, a quick thinking Luke Ward slipped the ball sideways to his Dad Tony who was Johnny-on-the-spot to turn home into an unguarded net. The boys were 2-1 up!

In a frenzied final 5 minutes however, the game turned once more. FC Tigers scored a well worked equaliser and with time running out, scrambled a mis-hit cross shot into the net. Disaster! There was still time for one final act of drama as Tigers had a man sent off for trying to waste time by kicking the ball away in the dying seconds but there was to be no salvation for the boys and the game ended in another defeat.

Full time: Getupfront 2-3 FC Tigers

How they rated

Stuart Taylor

Goals: N/A

Rating: 8/10

Comment: Some great shot-stopping as ever from Stu who once again brought gasps of awe and frustration from the opposition but even he couldn’t topple the night’s truly outstanding individual performer.

Aaron Barwick

Goals: 1

Rating: 8/10

Comment: A commanding performance from Barwick who played as if he was a seasoned regular rather than the once-in-a blue-moon appearance maker he actually is. Talked a good game with his constant encouraging but backed it up with some solid play as well. If only he could be persuaded to play every week.

Richard Bayliss

Goals: 5

Rating: 9/10 MOTM

Comment: Just unreal! Everything he touched turned to goal. No doubt next game he will be back to his useless plodding self but for one night only (Matthew), Richard Bayliss was sensationally Man of the Match!

Tony Ward

Goals: 1

Rating: 7/10

Comment: Steady and determined effort from Tony whose highlight this week was his quick thinking goal in the 2nd match which looked like being the winner until the final gut wrenching minutes.

Luke Ward

Goals: 0

Rating: 7/10

Comment: No goals from Luke this week despite having the chances. A couple of one-on-ones were spurned but despite that Ward the Younger played his part in this epic night.with his best moment being the sweet through ball for Bayliss’ 5th goal.

After the shameful hammerings the boys received last week at the hands of Unreal Madrid, the last thing they needed was to face another quality outfit on the bounce. Golden Team are a bunch of Hungarian lads who take the whole game of 5-a-side very seriously. Not only do they have a proper kit in their national team’s colours, a proper squad of 7 regular players and an entourage of supporters, they even film the games they play presumably to analyse them in a bona fide team meeting.

A meeting of Getupfront and the Golden Team had not taken place for many a month – indeed the last encounter would have been way back through the mists of time to the days when Mike Lines was the manager and Luke Ward was just a glint in his Dad’s eye (OK maybe not that long ago but you get the point). Finally they were to meet again…

Game 1: Getupfront 1 – 11 Golden Team

Different Sunday, same old squad headaches for player manger Bayliss as yet again he could only put out the same team of 5 as last week. What the same team that got slaughtered twice by Unreal Madrid? Unlike the EU referendum, nobody was undecided about how this was going to pan out…..

After what seemed like 3 days of constant Golden Team possession, the inevitable happened and the boys fell behind early doors. Old timers Tony Ward and Boss Bayliss couldn’t get anywhere near their opponents let alone attempt to disposess them. Andy Townsend would no doubt describe these Golden boys as “great technicians – so good on the ball” and he wouldn’t be wrong.

Talking of Andy Townsend…

Time and again they made the ball positively sing so beautiful was their play. Getupfront were certainly not living up to their team name. Jay Robson as the lone striker was feeling as lonely as Jeremy Corbyn so isolated was he. By half time the chant from the Golden Team’s fans went up “1-2, 1-2-3, 1-2-3-4, 5-0!”

Half time: Getupfront 0 – 5 Golden Team

With no subs available, the boys had to just turn around for the 2nd half, bend over and get ready for another spanking! And a spanking it was as those hungry Hungarians relentlessly pursued their pray. Never mind that they were 7,8,9-0 up, they still chased every ball, harassed every opposition player to the point of distraction…even their goalkeeper wandered up field to drill one in past a stunned Stuart Taylor in the Getupfront nets. Somehow Jay Robson managed to convince himself he was actually Welsh and summoned up enough fighting spirit to at least put Getupfront on the score sheet and avoid the 5-a-side equivalent of  losing to Iceland – a shut out.

Golden Team take the applause of their supporters at the end of the first game. Show offs!

By the end it was the third game in a row that the boys had conceded 11 goals. Something had to change in the second game…

Full time: Getupfront 1 – 11 Golden Team

Game 2: Getupfront 2 – 11 Golden Team

….but of course nothing did. It was just more of the same. Goal after goal after goal flew into the Getupfront net with their defence as plausible as Roy Hodgsons’s explanation of why England lost to Iceland (” these things happen…”).

Half time: Getupfront 0 – 7 Golden Team

The 2nd half started with the scoreboard only showing 4-0 as it transpire that the ref had taken pity on Getupfront and was trying to knock off some of the Golden Team’s goals. After an official delegation from the Hungarians had the correct score displayed, we were off again….BANG 8-0! Oh dear.

But then unbelievably Getupfront found themselves 2-1 up in the 2nd half after first a cross shot from Jay Robson and then an unexpectedly smart finish by Richard Bayliss from a Tony Ward cut back reduced the arrears. Alas it wasn’t to last and a further 3 Hungarian goals meant that for the 4th (thats 4TH) match on the trot the boys had let in 11 (eleven) goals.

Another time when Hungary trounced England….

Full time: Getupfront 2 – 11 Golden Team

A press conference from manager Richard Bayliss is expected shortly where his resignation will surely follow…well just about everyone else has resigned in the last week

How they rated:

Stuart Taylor: 6/10 

If he were an England player he would be: Frazer Forster  – really not his fault.

Richard Bayliss: 4/10

If he were an England player he would be: Jack Wilshere – no right to be on the pitch

Tony Ward: 5/10

If he were an England player he would be: Gary Cahill – big heart but best days are behind him

Luke Ward: 5/10

If he were an England player he would be: Eric Dier – will learn from this  experience and come back stronger

Jay Robson: 6/10

If he were an England player he would be: Daniel Sturridge – has goals in him but couldn’t really deliver this time.

Ah the Summer…and not just any Summer but one with a football tournament happening. Yes its time for a festival of wondrous, majestic and dazzling exponents of the beautiful game. No…not the Euros but a new Summer season down at the Pro Soccer Centre at Harpings Road!

Unfortunately for the Getupfront boys, they faced a Group of Death scenario straight away having to play Unreal Madrid in the first game. Gulp! Resident and perennial champions Unreal Madrid have never lost to Getupfront – indeed only once have the latter avoided defeat when playing Unreal and that was a draw over 2 years ago.

Still, new season, new hope and all that…

With Mike Ewen again unavailable due to his weekly bath and hair wash, it was a meagre squad of 5 including 2 old gadgers in Ward and Bayliss with a combined age rapidly approaching 100, it was always gong to be a “big ask”.

Game 1: Getupfront 3-11 Unreal Madrid

And yet it all started so well….A mazy dribble and smart finish by Jay Robson gave the boys an improbable early lead. So rare is this occurrence its worth just spelling that out again in bold. Getupfront 1 – 0 Unreal Madrid. Unfortunately the dream couldn’t last and the boys got a rude awakening when Unreal Madrid awoke from their own slumbers and crashed in a quick 4 goals in reply. With normal service having been resumed, the lads seemed not just to struggle to keep possession of the ball but also to recognise what it was so dominant were Madrid.

Getupfront could have done with a team talk from Robert Mancini who certainly knows what a football is….

And yet (again)….somehow Madrid were not out of sight (mainly due to the excellence of keeper Stu Taylor)  and when Jay Robson bagged a second goal of the half Getupfront were definitely still in the game.

Half time: Getupfront 2-4 Unreal Madrid

Unlike Uncle Woy Hodgson though, player manger Bayliss, didn’t have a Jamie Vardy or Dean Sturridge to put on at half time to save his skin – as we know he didn’t even have a Mike Ewen – and so inevitably the second half became a rout as tired legs gave way and indeed gave away an avalanche of goals. 1,2,3,4,5…the Madrid goals were as frequent as Glenn Hoddle’s commentary cliches finally stopping at 7 for the half. The fact that Jay Robson managed to complete his hat-trick was as relevant as ..well as relevant as Glenn Hoddle is to football commentary…utterly pointless.

Glenn Hoddle? Ooh don’t ask Tim Sherwood about Glenn Hoddle….

Full time: Getupfront 3-11 Unreal Madrid

Game 2: Getupfront 1-11 Unreal Madrid

If this was Euro 2016, then Getupfront had already broken the golden rule of “not losing the first match” and were now “struggling to get out of the group”. In fact they were now struggling to get out of their own half. Wave after  wave of Madrid attacks swamped the lads who were now distinctly out of their depth. Only the ongoing heroics of keeper Taylor prevented a tidal wave of goals.  Jay Robson pulled one back but it was akin to the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke.

Half time: Getupfront 1-4 Unreal Madrid

The second half saw the tidal wave turn into a tsunami as the Getupfront boys were well and truly washed up. 7 goals from Madrid without reply – player manager Bayliss was unable to do anything to stem the flow and decided to maroon himself Robinson Crusoe style as the isolated front man as far away from the carnage as possible.

At one point Bayliss was as engaged with the game as Roy Hodgson who reacted like this to Russia’s last gasp equaliser…

The lads were finally rescued when the final whistle brought an end to it all. It was as if the lads had been playing in flip flops dreaming of Summer holidays on the beach. Still if Denmark could win the Euros in 1992 as last minute replacements for Yugoslavia having to cut short their summer holidays to play then anything is possible …isn’t it?

Full time: Getupfront 1-11 Unreal Madrid

How they rated

Stuart Taylor (GK)    Conceded a goal at rate of more than one every 2 minutes but to be fair to Stu, he was let down by a very porous defence. Score would have been monumentally bad but for his saves. 7/10

If he was a Euro 2016 team he would be: Spain – still a class act

Richard Bayliss (Player Manager) Hopelessly exposed at this level – can he survive this reversal? 5/10

If he was a Euro 2016 team he would be: Albania – there to make up the numbers – nothing else 

Tony Ward   His most significant act of the evening was agreeing to be assistant manager for the new season. Has Tony got his eye on the top job? 6/10

 If he was a Euro 2016 team he would be: Iceland –  nobody can quite believe they are actually there, playing proper football with the big boys.                                                                                                                                 

Luke Ward  Laboured a bit but was always available to receive the ball and at least showed some spirit. 6/10

If he was a Euro 2016 team he would be: Wales – dark horse – could do anything.

Jay Robson  Can’t really knock him as he was the only Getupfront player to get on the score sheet (and 4 times at that) but then he did miss that penalty in the second game….7.5/10 MOTM (just)

If he was a Euro 2016 team he would be: England – best of a bad bunch but always likely to miss a penalty. 

After returning to action the previous Sunday after weeks of inactivity, the Getupfront boys somehow managed to get a team out for the 2nd week running with perennial foes Pearson Park Pork Pies the opponents. Yet again it was touch and go whether the game would take place when Mike Ewen dropped out. Not having been able to get out of bed since Thursday morning after witnessing his beloved Liverpool’s laughable capitulation the previous evening in the Europa League final, Mike was still too depressed to play.

Fortunately the rest of the lads were made of sterner stuff (i.e. none of them are Liverpool fans) and it was a five fold force that took to the court including keeper Stuart Taylor who played despite it actually being his birthday (feel the shame Mike Ewen!).

Mike’s absence meant there was no sub for the night which was bad news for old timers Tony Ward and player manager Richard Bayliss who faced the prospect of 40 mins of wheezing, hyperventilating and near cardiac arrest.

Bayliss and Ward deciding whose turn it is to play up front.

The one up front at all times rule at least afforded them the chance to grab a few precious seconds respite although the sight of two middle aged men squabbling about whose turn it was to be the lone striker was truly pathetic.

Game 1: Getupfront 2-8 Pearson Park Pork Pies

The Pork Pies are a much younger bunch of guys and it wasn’t long before their youthful legs forged a 2 goal lead. Getupfront were adopting the currently popular Leicester City style of play by surrendering possession of the ball to the opposition and then trying to hit them on the break. Amazingly this tactic actually worked towards the end of the first half when Jay Robson skittered across the court surface on a helter-skelter of a crazy run after being released by Luke Ward when a PorkPies attack broke down.

Talking of balls being attached to you, hands up if you had one of these back in the day?…. Just me then.

With the ball seemingly surgically attached to him, Jay produced a clipped finish to send  the boys into the break with a foothold back in the match.

Half time: Getupfront 1-2 Pearson Park Pork Pies

As regular followers of the fortunes of Getupfront will know, there is normally one half during the course of the 2 games played on a Sunday evening where it all goes tits up for the boys. This week it was the 2nd half of game 1. A 6 goal salvo by the Pork Pies without reply had keeper Stuart Taylor reflecting on where his life had gone wrong if this was the best activity he could find to do on his birthday. In a footnote to the game, Richard Bayliss maintained his Fernando Torresesque record of scoring completely pointless goals when he converted after being set up by Jay Robson.

The Bayliss goal may have been ultimately meaningless but it has nothing on this…the most pointless goal ever…

Full time: Getupfront 2-8 Pearson Park Pork Pies

Game 2: Getupfront 3-4 Pearson Park Pork Pies

It was a suitably chastened Getupfront who took to the court for the night’s 2nd game. However, having flushed their weekly turd of a half out of their systems already, the boys were ready to go again. Tony Ward started upfront after pulling rank (not to mention his groin) on fellow fitness struggler Bayliss and it was Tony who got with the Leicester City plan again when he notched a brilliant solo goal on the break to give the boys the lead for the first time in the evening. It was a goal Jamie Vardy would have been proud of and was not to be the last time that evening that we would be reminded of  England’s goal hope for the Euros…..

Two quick Pork Pies goals meant he lead would not last until half time. Yet it could have been so different had a Jay Robson bullet found the back of the net and not the face of the opposition goalkeeper just before the break. Where’s Jamie Vardy when you need him…

Oh he’s here…go to 4:25 to see a great assist from the goalkeeper’s face for Vardy’s goal.

Half time: Getupfront 1-2 Pearson Park Pork Pies

The final half was perhaps the best of the night for our heroes.  Luke Ward found an equaliser with an unusual goal when he initially claimed hand ball against a Pork Pies defender. When it wasn’t given and with the opposition player claiming his innocence, Luke decided to just play on and rattled in a superb shot.

Luke’s “distract the opposition by claiming handball and then play on” trick was good but not a patch on the master Brian Bason. Who? Go to 1:41 and see the greatest goal through deception ever…

However it couldn’t last and the tired Getupfront defence was beaten twice more before Jay Robson prodded home after Bayliss had fluffed an easier chance to ensure that they at least secured a battling draw for the final half of the evening even if the war was ultimately lost.

Full time: Getupfront 3-4 Pearson Park Pork Pies

How they rated

Stuart Taylor (GK)

It wasn’t exactly a party for birthday boy Stu, with 12 goals getting past him but if his birthday cake had a candle on it for every great save Stu has ever made the cake would have to be as big as Jamie Vardy’s ego. 8/10

If he was a Leicester City player he would be: Kasper Schmeichel – obviously although Stu has never ever been in anyone’s shadow unlike Kasper.

Richard Bayliss (Player Manager)

Standard stuff from Bayliss again this week – a few blocks, a few knocks and his usual smart red socks. 6/10

If he was a Leicester City player he would be: Robert Huth – big lump of a player that nobody can quite work out how he got to be a footballer.

Tony Ward

A fine goal and somehow not needing to be treated for severe exhaustion were Tony’s rewards for his endeavours this time around. 7/10

If he was a Leicester City player he would be: Leonardo Ulloa – reserve striker who warmed the bench for most of the season but never let anyone down when he was called on to fill in for Vardy.

Luke Ward

A cheeky goal and some hard running were Luke’s main contributions this week.  7/10

If he was a Leicester City player he would be: Marc Albrighton – unsung hero of the team. Always diligent, tremendous work rate, yet somehow always overshadowed by his Dad’s slapstick comedic performances as he masquerades as a footballer.  Actually maybe Luke is more like Kasper Schmeichel come to think of it…

Jay Robson

The main goal threat yet again. Jay even relinquished his lone striker role to give Ward and Bayliss a breather and for that Jay you are this week’s…MOTM 9/10

If he was a Leicester City player he would be: Jamie Vardy – Jay plays with that single mindedness that Vardy does, once he sets his sights on goal he’s off at a pace and nothing will get in his way! Except being hungover from his stag do the other week. Where’s Danny Drinkwater to act as chaperone when you need him?

Now then what’s this? Getupfront actually playing a game of football? Having played just once in the last 2 months, the boys were finally back in action. So long had it been since an appearance at the Pro Soccer centre that you would have forgiven the staff there for copying the Chelsea fans that chanted “We forgot that you were here!” when Pato finally made his debut for the Blues.

Talking of debuts, last time out Aaron Barwick  made his for Getupfront but in the intervening weeks, Mr Angry had already announced his retirement no doubt apoplectic with rage that he had been asked to play on a day with a “y” in it.

Game 1: Getupfront 4-3 KVFC

With player manager Bayliss delayed by a temperamental PDQ machine at Reception, the game kicked off with Tony Ward fulfilling the “old giffer” role for the boys. Opponents KVFC have a good record against our lads including a 14-8 cup semi final win back in Jan. However, revenge seemed an unlikely prospect in game 1 as KVFC took an early  2-0 lead.

Even angrier than Jay was this Sunderland fan who has just woken up after a night on the lash and seen the tattoo his mates had done for him whist he was out for the count.

Despite being without Angry Aaron, Getupfront did have another player incandescent with rage in Jay Robson who was decidedly miffed about his beloved Newcastle Utd having been relegated in the week and was running around furiously up top. Powered by his seething sense of injustice, Jay singlehandedly showed those namby pamby millionaire playboy wasters at St James Park how to do it when he skewered an excellent solo goal.

Half time: Getupfront 1 – 2 KVFC

With Stu Taylor pulling off save after spectacular save, Getupfront were level in the 2nd half when Jay “man possessed” Robson struck again after some good support play from genial scouser Mike Ewen. But then…a personal disaster for young Luke Ward when he inadvertently deflected a KVFC shot past keeper Taylor to register an own goal. Gulp! Undeterred  and without needing a reassuring hug from his Dad Tony, Luke dusted himself down and was soon back in the action playing in Jay Robson to round the keeper and strike a second equaliser.

No its not Tony Ward commiserating with son Luke, its Eidur Gudjohnsen replacing his Dad Aarnor for Iceland!

As the timer counted down the last few seconds, pandemonium broke out on the court as Ewen found himself on the corner of the area with time to line up a shot. Only Mike will know if he meant what transpired but instead of hitting the back of the net his effort found Jay Robson for a simple tap in. BOOM! The timer showed 0:00 and KVFC appealed that Robson was in the orange box when he applied the crucial touch and the goal should not have stood but it mattered not a jot. The ref indicated a GOAL! and Getupfront had a precious victory.

Full time: Getupfront 4 – 3 KVFC

Game 2: Getupfront 3-10 KVFC

Ah… the 2nd game…what about the 2nd game you say? Was there a 2nd game this week?Nah don’t think there was…..*everyone involved in the 2nd game gets off sharpish*

How they rated

Stuart Taylor (GK)

The supreme custodian of the nets, Stu was his usual committed self with plenty of “FFS”s every time a shot did get past him. Unlike John McEnroe I don’t think he was taking to himself though!

Richard Bayliss (Player Manager)

Played his usual game…meaning he hung around the back keeping himself to himself and occasionally got in the opposition’s way. Oh wait…wait… there was one other thing…he somehow managed to be the only player other than Jay Robson to score when he turned home the last Getupfront goal of the night in the 2nd game from point blank range. 7/10

Tony Ward

He turned up, he man-marked furiously, he went home. 7/10

Luke Ward

Not Luke’s best night with his only goal being that of the “own” variety but as ever he was combative and full of purpose when in possession of the ball. Can someone remember to point him the right direction next week though.7/10

Mike Ewen

Mike assured Dickiebliss in the car on the way home that he made at least two (count ’em) assists during the course of the night. Two assists…hmm…whats the going rate for an assist these days? *sound of the Dickiebliss 5-a-side bible being thumbed* OK – for that Mike you can have …8/10

Jay Robson

Someone should wind Jay up every week if this is how he performs when he’s angry. He’s like a footballing Hulk… the opposition don’t like him when he’s angry 9/10 MOTM

Click and play this before reading any further….

Welcome to the Dickiebliss Gallery  – a repository for interactive Kickers related resources. Wonder at the cutting edge art nouveau installations, be amazed at the bewildering array of….oh OK its just some Youtube clips of last weeks Kickers futsal match…enjoy….

First up a clip which sees the lads go one down almost immediately – bit like varnish this goal – lovely finish

Oh this is fabulous – not the action which is fairly non-descript but the commentary from those two old giffers Tony Ward and Richard Bayliss is priceless – Tony recounts his current ailment but Bayliss won’t be outdone in the pathetic injuries stakes

More unintentional hilarity from Tony Ward on the sidelines – this time his words of encouragement sound like he’s taking his dogs for a walk – “Come on boys…come on” …marvellous. As for the action, Luke Ward manages to get a shot on target (as his Dad inevitably confirms for him) and at the end of the clip Michael Latham shows how to deal with gallic fancy footwork although he seems as surprised as anyone that it worked.

Now then – some genuinely arty stuff here as the French lads score again – not sure which is more artistic, their finely crafted goal or  the unusual camera angle  – check it out.

From top end high art to well… the ridiculous – some top drawer slapstick goalkeeping from John Kelly

Finely! Some footage of Equipe Ruby that doesn’t end up in a goal against the Kickers  – in fact its indisputable evidence that they are human after all!

This is how you do it…nearly. Aaron Barwick shows the French boys the way with his volleying technique.

And so we come to the end of the exhibition and as we do, also to the end of this little stint of Kickers vs Equipe Ruby matches as the French lads have packed up and gone home for Christmas. And it has been a truly life affirming experience. A group of (mostly) young men meeting up each week to exchange different cultures and ideas. The Kickers for their part gave the French lads a shining example of togetherness in very difficult conditions whilst their gallic counterparts gave the Kickers…well a good hammering each week mostly. But this final week they gave the Kickers one other thing…the Man of the match award. Yes, in an unexpected twist, Dickiebliss asked Matthias the French captain to nominate a Kickers MotM and after consulting with his teammates, I can announce that the winner is…..

*drum roll*

….LUKE WARD!

Many congratulations to Luke who wins a free two hour coaching session with his Dad Tony….oh….