Dickiebliss’s Blog

Getupfront vs Pearson Park Pork Pies 18th Sep 2016
September 24, 2016, 10:47 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

There are some things in football that are just too painful to recollect. For this blogger, the Chelsea 78-79 season is particularly harrowing, for Getupfront stalwart Jay Robson it must be Newcastle’s supposed stroll to the title in 1996 imploding, for all of us there are all those England defeats on penalties (well the England national team full stop actually) and now there is another horror story to add to this dark collection…

Remember this Jay?…..never fails to entertain!

After some last minute negotiations over new recruit Pete’s transfer fee, Getupfront were just able to field a team of 5 for last Sunday’s meeting with perennial adversaries Pearson Park Pork Pies – a bit of a reality check after the previous week’s ample squad of 7. With 2 of the 5 being Tony Ward and player manager Bayliss (combined age 99 lets not forget), it promised to be a long night….

Game 1: Getupfront 1 – 9 Pearson Park Pork Pies

Despite the eventual outcome, it had all started reasonably well. As the 4 and a half minute mark ticked over the scoreboard showed 0-0. The Getupfront defence was tight and working hard to marshall their (much) younger opposition. True, the ball had taken up permanent residence in the Getupfront half and Tony Ward had yet to touch the ball as the lone striker but the scoreboard didn’t lie. This was OK. However, the danger with this “defend, defend and defend some more” plan is that once the gates are breached  the game is up. You are forced to go looking for goals , the formation loses it shape, the play is stretched and holes appear. And Pearson Park Pork Pies were more than capable of exploiting said holes. Three goals were conceded in quick succession despite some fantastic saves by Stuart Taylor in the Getupfront goal. What a night for Stu – he turned in one of the all-time great keeping performances and yet by the evening was all played out he had conceded 15 goals. His frustration was palpable.

Half-time: Getupfront 0 – 3 Pearson Park Pork Pies

And yet , as stated by newbie Pete in the break, “that could have been a lot worse”…unfortunately for Pete and his team mates there was no could about it from here on in. Time and again in the 2nd half, Getupfront were cruelly exposed, metaphorically caught with their shorts around their ankles, as the goals flew in. And to add to the shame, they seemed to be conceding the exact same goal over and over. Every time there seemed to be an opposition player totally unmarked and in space with time to pick his spot before scoring. At one point it seemed as if Pearson Park Pork Pies were forming an orderly queue to score.


At the end of the first game, the referee found this near to the Getupfront goal

By the end of game 1, that damned scoreboard was literally mocking Getupfront, blazing the score at them. It was a battering, there were no excuses and no hiding places….and the humiliation was only half way through….

Full-time: Getupfront 1 – 9 Pearson Park Pork Pies

Game 2: Getupfront 0 – 6 Pearson Park Pork Pies

After such a mauling in the first game, what was the Getupfront plan for game 2? From the evidence on court it seemed to be a mixture of “damage limitation and play like we did in game 1”. It was like Groundhog day – the same mistakes made again and again. Passes misplaced, nobody showing for the ball, shoddy marking, poor ball control and zero goal threat. Actually no…there was one massive chance to avoid the ultimate 5-a-side shame of a shut out (i.e. no goals scored). Jay Robson struck the base of the post with a shot that rebounded straight into the path of Bayliss. It was a simple tap-in. The goalkeeper was sprawled on the floor and the net unguarded. Any sort of first time connection would have done the job. But Bayliss was so poor on the night that even this was beyond him. Lacking the confidence to hit the ball first time, he struggled to get it out from under his feet and when he finally did, he swung  wildly at the ball sending it careering high and wide of the goal. Truly awful.

Half-time: Getupfront 0 – 3 Pearson Park Pork Pies

With no subs available, the night’s final half was always going to be a hard watch for Getupfront fans (if such a thing exists). Somehow, due to a combination of Taylor;’s outstanding keeping and wasteful opposition shooting, the score stood at 0-6 with 2 minutes left. it was at this point that Jay Robson’s groin gave up the ghost and he had to leave the pitch in agony. The ruling on going down to 4 players is that the front player regulation no longer applies meaning that Getupfront could literally park themselves in their own half. Bayliss, in a rare show of tactics, decided this was the way to go and they played out the rest of the game with no attempt to try and get the ball in the opposition half and thereby inflicting the final and ultimate shame upon themselves by even ridiculing their own team name.


Bayliss isn’t the first manager to adopt a “no forwards” formation. This is the then Scotland manager Craig Levein’s infamous 4-6-0 line-up for a game vs Czech Republic in 2010 – they lost of course.

By the end of the night, Bayliss had led Getupfront to their 17th straight defeat and rock bottom of the league with zero points. If there is a worse record currently in the UK we are yet to hear of it.

Full-time: Getupfront 0 – 6 Pearson Park Pork Pies

How they rated

Stuart Taylor

Goals: N/A

Rating: 8/10 MOTM

Comment: By far the easiest Man of the Match decision this blogger has ever had to make. A blinding show of goalkeeping. The thought of what the scoreboard might have displayed without Taylor in goals is horrific.



Goals: 0

Rating: 6/10

Comment: Unfair to lambast Pete due to a) being the new boy he is still in his honeymoon period with the (ahem) fans  and b) if it wasn’t for Pete’s last minute agreement to play, there wouldn’t have been a game at all….Hang on…if Pete hadn’t played none of this would have happened? It IS all his fault!


Richard Bayliss

Goals: 0

Rating: 4/10 

Comment: Useless


Tony Ward

Goals: 0

Rating: 5/10

Comment: A brave attempt to impersonate a footballer that wasn’t quite convincing enough.



Jay Robson

Goals: 1

Rating: 6/10

Comment: Gets a 6 for being the only player able to score a goal over 40 minutes of football and the sympathy vote for his nasty sounding injury. Nobody wants to have to contemplate an inflamed groin do they? Oh sorry! Quick where’s the Brain Bleach?!



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