You have been watching….

Getupfront – an obituary

2016 – what a shite year eh? All that bad news. And here’s something else to bring a tear to your eye. It is with a heavy heart that this blogger must report the untimely demise of Getupfront. After weeks of uncertainty and instability, the life support has finally been turned off.

Getupfront weren’t your archetypal 5-a-side team. They played the game a different way to their opponents – it didn’t always work. In fact it hardly ever worked. They were formed by original manager Mike Lines and they played their first game on 22 Sep 2013. A crushing defeat to top dogs Trotters didn’t augur well  – would the team disappear after just one week? That they didn’t showed great spirit and this would become the main feature of their very existence in the years to come.

The squad changed many times over the years with players coming and going – mainly going – until there were only 3 left and the great footballing gods in the sky decided that the full 90 minutes plus injury time (accrued mainly due to Jay Robson’s never ending list of ailments) had finally been all played out. We may never see their like again…..

The glory years

Yes there were some you cheeky blighters! That sequence of results at the end of 2014 that read P10 W8 D1 L1, those 3 cup semi finals in one 12 month period, the record 15-2 win against Propping FC….yes, those were the golden days when teams would know they were in for a tough game if their opponents were Getupfront.

The dark days

The start of the slide to oblivion can be traced back to Jan 2016 when Mike Lines left. It was never the same after that . In the 36 games after the original gaffer walked away the record read W4 D 2 L 30. An incredible 22 games on the spin were lost. Nadir after nadir was reached as the team mined the very depths of 5-a-side despair. New manager Richard Bayliss desperately wheeled and dealt in the transfer market but nothing seemed to work. Promising signings were cut down by injury, bath and bed-time duties  and on occasion sheer reluctance to play.

When the end finally came it was a relief to all concerned. It was a slide from prominence into the doldrums only rivalled by Leicester City’s short lived reign as unlikely champions to the edge of a relegation battle.

The legacy

Tales to tell the grandchildren? Unlikely….unless you’re Aaron Barwick (see “The nearly guys” below)

The results

YEAR	2013	2014	2015	2016
P	No records available	88	84	46
W	N/A	27	25	4
D	N/A	3	5	3
L	N/A	58	54	39
Win Ratio	N/A	30%	29%	8%

 

The Legends

Mike Lines

The founding father of Getupfront  – without his vision for a 5-a-side team, none of …errr…all this (?) would have been possible. Led the team for just over 2 years with a mixture of results including 3 cup semi-final appearances. As well as being the manager, Lines was also a fine player. Confident in possession, always showing for the ball, an immense dribbler with a fair few goals in him too. His rallying call of “C’mon reds this is our time!” was a staple of Sunday nights. But then in Jan 2016 – the bombshell…Lines just walked away with hardly a backwards glance. Despite numerous beseeching requests from his team mates for him to return, he wouldn’t….apart from one solitary appearance months later where he gave a tantalising glimpse of what they were missing. And then….nothing….again….There was to be no second coming.

---

Richard Bayliss

This man WAS Getupfront  – the only constant in an ever-changing team. Never injured, never suspended, always there (unfortunately for his team mates). Stepped into the breach after the departure of Lines – deserved better than the fate that befell him  – a 22 match losing streak under his stewardship. As a player he was like Jose Mourinho (never made the grade professionally) and as a manager he was like Geoff Hurst (presided over a period in 1980/81 as Chelsea manager when his team scored in only three of their final 22 games of the season). And yet…you have to give him credit for being the only permanent figure throughout the Getupfront story from beginning to end. His loyalty was unswerving. And there were highlights – that 5 goal spree against FC Tigers, being part of a squad that reached 3 cup semi-finals, errr…that time he did that good pass…OK not so many highlights but, similar to Lines, without him the Getupfront story could never have happened.

---

 

Tony Ward

Getupfront’s resident quinquagenarian. If Man of the Match awards were given for enthusiasm, Tony would have had a wardrobe full of them. As it is they are given for performance and sadly Ward the Elder never quite managed to balance his effort / performance spreadsheet. Nevertheless, his constant service to the team made him a reassuring presence. Everything in the world felt just a little bit better if Tony was playing.

---

 

Luke Ward

Son of Tony but so much more than that. The youngest person ever to play for Getupfront, Luke was a combative and loyal soldier for the cause who wasn’t afraid to rough it up if necessary. Sure, that approach didn’t always work out for him and he was sent off more than once during his career but he was a stalwart of the team for 18 months or so. He also had goals in him, some of them absolutely spectacular. His Getupfront career was cut short by the lure of paid employment with Ronald McDonald. What a waste.

---

 

Stu Taylor

The phrase “Legend” doesn’t quite cover it. An immense figure in the team’s history. Before Taylor,the team had used a rotation system with each player taking a shift between the sticks. The arrival of Stu changed everything and made Getupfront a credible outfit. Hugely talented, he could easily have played at a higher level. Who knows what farcical score lines might have been recorded but for his bravery and athleticism between the posts. Surely this can’t be the end of his career?

 

---

 

Jay Robson

Getupfront’s all time top scorer mainly due to his stubborn refusal to pass the ball once in possession. His mazy length of the court dribbles were the stuff of fantasy usually ending with a powerful shot. He will also be remembered for his outright refusal to don the team’s red strip preferring instead his beloved Newcastle United top with a red bib on top. Retired due to persistent injury.

 

 

---

 

 

 

The nearly guys

Aaron Barwick

A major coup for manager Bayliss when he persuaded Azza to sign on for Sunday nights. Possessor of a proven track record of 5-a-side greatness – this was a win-win situation – nothing could go wrong. Apart from when after just one game Barwick announced that actually he didn’t have any free time on Sundays and left. Returned for one final solitary appearance but what an appearance as he was able to say ” I was there when Bayliss scored 5″

---

 

Mike Ewen

Genial scouser who always lightened the mood whenever he played with his nice guy demeanour. Great motivator  – always talking – always cajoling – just a shame he couldn’t have played more.

 

 

---

 

 

Blake Mace

Another big name Bayliss signing who was meant to rejuvenate the side. However, after just two promising outings, Blake succumbed to a thigh injury and never made it back to match fitness.Think Pierluigi Casiraghi but without the err…one goal.

 

---

 

The rest of the squad

 

 

Pete Redford

Brought in late doors by Tony Ward – his top knot and beard helped update the Getupfront image. A neat player but never managed even one goal.

---

 

Ady Sharp

Great squad member when available as he could play as emergency goalkeeper or as a striker. Went onto bigger things when he won a league title with …some other 5-a-side team.

---

 

Lee (Jay’s cousin)

Joined the team in the last  weeks of its existence – played a few games, scored a few goals – left when the pull of his fishing rod (his other great passion) became too much to ignore

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mike

Busy goalscoring forward – could have been a Getupfront legend but retired after sustaining a broken foot in April 2014

 

---

 

 

 

 

 

Kev

Replaced the injured Mike as regular forward – effective player but was often involved in flash points with the opposition and remains the only Getupfront player to have a punch thrown at him. Left to pursue a career in pugilism.

---

 

Lee – Kev’s cousin (?)

A formidable obstacle in the middle of the court – his inability to score became a thing of mythical proportions but he finally debunked said myth when he scored his one and only goal from the penalty spot in his final appearance.

---

 

Mikey

Only played once – decided the level of football being played was beneath him – he was probably right

---

 

Ricky

Utility player – left when watching his beloved Hull FC took priority

---

 

Gary

Mate of Mike Lines – yep – think that just about  covers it.

---

 

That other guy

Just left

---

 

Getupfront  – born 22 Sep 2013, died 23 Oct 2016

Getupfront vs Unreal Madrid 25th Sep 2016

Anniversaries – we put a lot of stock in them don’t we? Not just birthdays but the marking of those dates that have some sort of special significance to us. Dickiebliss is not immune to such behaviour and can,  given the date of a football match from years ago, be able to say what he was doing on that day. So for example, 28th September 1986 Man Utd v Chelsea? He had just started at Sunderland Polytechnic and watched the game in the TV room in halls (and probably pissed off those people watching Eastenders when he changed channel to do so – ah well)

Wondering what happened in that Man Utd v Chelsea game all those years ago? Wonder no more…

And again I hear you ask, what has this got to do with Getupront? Well the team had its own anniversary last week as it was 3 years ago that it came into existence and played it’s very first 5-a-side game. Yes 3 years already and this blogger for one can recall what happened on that historic day. With a certain amount of spooky symmetry their opponents that day were Trotters who were to eventually morph into this weekend’s opponents Unreal Madrid.

And in the Getupfront team that day? Well it was a very different line up to the one turning out today. There was Ricky, Mike, Mike Lines, that other guy….wondered what happened to them all? So no surviving members that still turn out for this grand old team then? Well there is one….player manager Richard Bayliss is the only constant thoughout the years, turning up every week     still trying to convince himself he can actually play. And the result of that very first encounter? They lost 24-1! Would history  repeat itself on the 3rd anniversary? What do you think?!

Game 1 Getupfront 1-9 Unreal Madrid

With Jay Robson injured due to his sensitive groin, the squad was again stretched to the limit and could only just put out a team of 5. Returning to replace Jay was his cousin Lee who was last seen 2 weeks ago. Luke Ward was unavailable having secured himself some paid employment down the local Golden Arches so his place was again filled by newbie Pete Redford.

Expectations for a good result were not high but the boys played a tight game to begin with and with 3 and a half minutes gone, which is a long time in the high-octane world of 5-a-side football, there was no score. Needless to say it didn’t stay like that and just 60 seconds later Getupfront were 0-2 down. “Here we go again” player-manager Bayliss agonised but remarkably his team hit back immediately with Lee hitting a shot into the corner in a rare Getupfront excursion..err …up front.

But this was Unreal Madrid and nothing was going to jolt their supreme confidence. Another 4 goals were quickly bagged to leave Getupfront with a mountain to climb in the 2nd half.

Half time: Getupfront 1-6 Unreal Madrid

The interval brought the usual enquiry and theorising into what was going wrong (again). This week’s theory was that the guys were not coming near enough to each other to receive a pass meaning they were all attempting the fabled “Hollywood ball”*

* Hollywood ball: a spectacular-looking long range pass, but one which rarely achieves what the passer hopes (unless you are Steven Gerrard)…

So short passes was the answer and the boys returned to the court determined to show they could kick a ball accurately to each other from 2 yards away. And you know what, they didn’t do too badly – yes they let another 3 goals in without reply but to only lose the half 0-3 against these opponents seemed like a win (almost).

Full time: Getupfront 1-9 Unreal Madrid

Game 2 Getupfront 0-15 Unreal Madrid

Ah…the second game…yeah there was one but we don’t really need to discuss it do we? We do? No! Please NO! Oh FFS! Alright yes… Getupfront lost 15-0.! Happy now? Yes its the biggest beating they have taken since that very first game 3 years ago. No there weren’t any positives to be taken from the game at all. Have they hit rock bottom? Yes, yes they have. Will they be back next week? You betcha!

How they rated

Stuart Taylor

Goals: N/A

Rating: 6/10

Comment: Couldn’t have done much more despite the score lines. Hopelessly let down by those in front of him. Stu must really love Getupfront to endure this  week in week out and to add insult to injury, he had to pay £6 for the privilege of conceding 24 goals in 40 mins of play!

---

 

Pete Redford

Goals: 0

Rating: 5/10

Comment: Realised before the kick off that he had yet to score in his previous 4 games. There was little chance of that statistic changing against Unreal Madrid.

---

 

Richard Bayliss

Goals: 0

Rating: 4/10 

Comment: He must surely now be the worst performing manager of any team in the UK currently – be it professional, semi professional, sunday league, 5-a-side, kick about in the park, subbuteo – there is no end to this man’s appalling inability to get any sort of result out of his team. The sack you say? When he goes to bed at night and hits the sack, he misses.

---

 

Tony Ward

Goals: 0

Rating: 5/10

Comment: Tony has the enthusiasm of a 12 year old kid but unfortunately the fitness of a 51 year man (which is understandable being 51 and all) but at times his ball skills looked as awkward as Sam Allardyce being summoned to Wembley by the FA on Tuesday.

---

 

Lee

Goals: 1

Rating: 6/10 MOTM

Comment: Scored the crucial goal in the first game to ensure there would be no first ever double shut out in Getupfront history and for that he deserves to be Man of the Match. Could have had another goal but missed a penalty in the second game and for that he deserves to have his Man of the Match award taken off him.

GETUPFRONT VS BRADFORD’S MAAAM 17TH APRIL

After a 5 week break the Getupfront boys were finally back in action. After a shortfall in numbers recently, manager Bayliss was taking no chances this week and bumped up the squad up to a massive 7 (that’s seven!) players. This multitude of talent also included new signing Aaron Barwick making his debut. A journey man footballer of many a team, Barwick has a reputation as being an angry player – everything annoys him on the pitch – the opposition, the ref, his team mates, his shorts…how would he fair strutting his stuff for Getupfront?

Game 1: Getupfront 6-3 Bradford’s Maaam

It turns out that the opposition,Bradford’s Maaam, are a mathematically challenged team and had turned up for a 5-a-side game with only 4 players. Fortunately Getupfront manager Bayliss  is rather better with numbers and quickly worked out that 7 is 2 more than 5 and therefore he could afford to relinquish one of his squad to play for the opposition. The Bradford boys took a long hard look at the prime athletes (and Tony Ward) in front of them and ludicrously decided they didn’t need any of them and would play with a man down. What a bunch of ingrates! OK so if that’s how its going to be….

“Into this lot!” bellowed Barwick at kick off but it was his new team mates who were quickly on the back foot despite their numerical advantage. Some slick passing from the organised Bradford’s Maaam saw our brave heroes 0-1 down early on. Luke Ward stabbed home an equaliser soon after but more defensive sloppiness meant the boys went in 2-1 down at half time.

When a 3rd goal went in shortly after the break all looked lost at 1-3. With just 5 minutes left on the clock, Bayliss produced a managerial masterstroke and subbed himself and Tony Ward, the two oldest codgers on the team (combined age 97), leaving his youngest legs on the court to test a clearly tiring and man down opposition.

Barwick’s frustration with proceedings had clearly reached boiling point and he flew at the opposition, hurling himself into the action like Jamie Vardy on speed. What followed was a veritable shit storm of goals as Getupfront banged in 5 without reply to win the game 6-3. The returning Jay Robson, clearly buzzing after his precious Newcastle United finally realised they were supposed to be a professional football team the day before, helped himself to a hat-trick with the increasingly dependable Luke Ward adding his second of the game. And what of Barwick? Aaron finally broke his duck with a last minute stooping header to capitalise on Luke Ward’s fine cross.

Game 2: Getupfront 3-1 Bradford’s Maaam

By the time of the 2nd game, Bradford’s Maaam were obviously feeling the effects of playing with a man down and Getupfront were able to keep them at arm’s length quite comfortably. As hard as they tried to get a foothold in the match ultimately it was a futile endeavour. A bit like watching Roberto Martinez trying to convince the world (and himself) that he is a good football manager by constantly referring to everything as “phenomenal” – it was never going to work. Sure enough the Getupfronters went into the half time break with a 2-0 lead courtesy of goals from Barwick and Luke Ward.

The 2nd half saw more of the same and the boys knocked up a 3rd when Jay Robson fluked a goal after his initial attempt to round the goalie, rebounded off first the keeper and then himself before nestling in the back of the net.

 

And that was that..until the human octopus that is Mike Ewen decided hew as actually a Harlem Globetrotter rather than a Scouser and handballed in the area. The resulting penalty was duly despatched but it made little difference ultimately as Getupfront racked up a 3rd consecutive win.

How they rated

Stuart Taylor (GK)

Superb again  – we’re running out of superlatives for Stu- oh hang on lets ask Roberto Martinez…

If he were a rapper he would be:

Flava Flav – best known for his his signature normal size clock worn as a fashion accessory. Stu on the other hand did’t need a clock to call time on the oppositions’s goal haul letting in just a measly 4 in 40 minutes of game time.  9/10 MOTM

Richard Bayliss (Player Manager)

Hmm…don’t remember him doing much at all…lets check his stats *sound of OPTA stats book being thumbed* Bayliss…Bayliss……ah, Bayliss…hmm…there are no stats just a picture of a donkey. 6/10

If he were a rapper he would be:

Vanilla Ice – Enjoyed a brief moment in the sun 25 years ago and then turned into a joke, derided by all of his peers. Whatever happened to Vanilla Ice though? 6/10

Tony Ward

Hat trick hero last time out but a repeat performance was about as likely as Nigel Farage appearing on TV wearing a t-shirt with his tax return printed on it.

If he were a rapper he would be:

MC Hammer – one is an embarrassment mostly remembered for his ridiculous baggy pants. The other is MC Hammer. 7/10

Luke Ward

Proving himself to be a reliable goalscorer is our Luke. And he’d been out celebrating his birthday the night before. Now that’s commitment for you.

If he were a rapper he would be:

Snoop Doggy Dog – Luke sniffed out his chances like a dog sniffing out a bone and (ahem) buried them. 8/10

Mike Ewen

Genial scouser Mike is a popular guy and not only with his teammates but also with the opposition when he literally handed them a penalty late on. Despite that, it was another impressive performance. Boss la’! 8/10

If he were a rapper he would be:

John Barnes – Hardly the “master plan” but Mike did most of his good work “round the back”, holding, breaking up play and generally cajoling his team mates onto ever greater efforts. 8/10

Aaron Barwick

Good debut from Angry Aaron including 2 goals. Fitted in seamlessly with his new team mates  – could he be softening in his old age?

If he were a rapper he would be:

MC Tunes – hard as nails Mancunian. “The only rhyme that bites” was apparently inspired by Aaron. 8/10

Jay Robson

Back from injury and it was like he’d never been away- his 4 goals made him top scorer for the night.

If he were a rapper he would be:

LLCool J – obviously. With his laconic style and dead-eye finishing, Jay was coolness personified. 8/10

The Kickers 5 – 3 The Plebs

 

Championes Championes Ole Ole Ole!

Continue reading →