Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 2-2 SHES Electric

It has been suggested to Dickiebliss that the blog has become overly long and bloated of late and couldn’t it be trimmed down a bit? Listen, this blogger only reports what actually happened (“Really ?” – Artisitic Licence Ed) so if there’s a lot of incident then the blog will reflect that and this week’s match …well….the term epic doesn’t really cover it. This was a roller-coaster from start to finish – seriously, any adrenalin junkies out there wanting their next high should watch footage of this humdinger and forget all about elevator surfing or cliff jumping or whatever it is you do….you’ll need to sit in a darkened room for a week after this tale.

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The Kickers 2-0 IECS/HIFI

November 12th 2010…mark this date well for it shall go down in history as the best Kickers performance of all time.  No really! It genuinely was!

Yes the heretics amongst you will argue that  it was “just a friendly wasn’t it?” (following some problems with teams not having registered properly on the new league website, the fixture was designated as not an official league game) but this was the stuff of dreams. No jumpers- for -goalposts kick about in the park this – proper teams, timed halves and the Kickers were in their smart blue kit for the first time this season -and that’s kit not uniform or outfit as the ladies in Information Management tried to tell Dickiebliss – “Were you wearing your little outfit today?” AAAGGGHHH!!!

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AS Kickers Divided 2-6 The Other Lot

We’re back! Yes dear reader, your favourite 6-a-siders have returned once more to keep you enthralled and entertained with their footballing exploits on and off the pitch. Back… and this time bigger and better than before. This season promises a bigger squad, bigger waistines and better results (there’s nothing like new season optimisim is there?)

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AS Kickers 09/10 Season Review

THE PLAYERS

CHRIS AWRE

Position: Goalkeeper

Appearances: 3

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comments: Started the season in possession of the goalkeeper’s jersey but soon found himself deposed by the younger and frankly better Wayne Thompson. Sorry Chris but the stats don’t lie – your record reads:

P 3 W 0 D0 L3 Goals Conceded 14

Yes that last figure is a 14! Somehow Chris’s performance (or lack of it) seemed to slip under the radar as the cause of the Kickers early season malaise but no-one can escape the Dickiebliss end of season analysis – not even nice guy Chris (and hiding behind your beard won’t help). The verdict is in – Chris, you were pants!

WAYNE THOMPSON

Position: Goalkeeper

Appearances: 10

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: Wayne established himself as the undisputed No 1 this season following Chris Awre’s demise. The reason that Wayne volunteered for the goalkeepers jersey is now lost in the mists of time. Certainly nobody else in the squad can give a rational explanation for his decision – but then as we all know goalkeepers are notoriously mental! Scottish goalkeeper Andy Goram is probably the most famous example of the breed. After it was reported in the press that Goram had a mild form of schizophrenia, fans responded with a chorus of “Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams”. Two Wayne Thompsons in goal may have improved the Kickers goals against column but their defence would surely never have coped with stereo instructions being bellowed at them by Wayne (x2). Anyway, one brother and one namesake in the team is surely enough Thompsons for anybody?

 

GARY THOMPSON

Position: Defender

Appearances: 9

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: Continuing the tradition of footballing brothers here comes Thompson the elder. Gary has been around the Kickers squad so long now that he’s almost part of the furniture – a clapped out, sagging, threadbare armchair which really should be thrown out but which nobody can bear to part with obviously! If Gary (and Wayne) really were professional footballers who would they be? Bobby and Jack Charlton? Frank and Ronald de Boer? Gary and Phil Neville? As Gary is the older brother that would make him Gary Neville – a sour-faced Scouse-hating whinger – not the best player to be likened to. Still that means Wayne is Phil Neville, best known for looking like old man Steptoe. Think you got off lightly Gary!

RICHARD BAYLISS

Position: Defender

Appearances: 10

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: He came, he saw, he man-marked furiously, he went home….to write the match report. While it is true that some of Richard’s best performances came in cyberspace, Bayliss the Blog was a model of consistency on the pitch maintaining a constant whiff of mediocrity. Amazingly voted most improved player of the season by his team-mates, it begs the question how bad was Bayliss the previous season?

ROB HALL

Position: Defender

Appearances: 2

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Shy guy Rob came into the squad late doors to shore up the defence. Despite being modest in nature and reticent with words, Rob was confident and assured in possession of the ball, slotting into the left back position so comfortably that he may well have been wearing slippers. Played so well in fact that the regular Kickers defenders may have to keep one eye over their shoulders next season if they are to keep their places in the team. Well, it is always the quiet ones you have to watch isn’t it?

 

ALAN HEWETT

Position: Utility

Appearances: 10

Goals: 1

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: Of all the new signings at the beginning of the season, Al arguably had more impact than anyone on the team both on and off the pitch. In fact he’s a bit like Jimmy Bullard at Hull City (without the dodgy barnet of course) – fully committed on the pitch (Nicky Barmby may disagree) and a likeable, bubbly character off it (Nicky Barmby definitely disagrees and probably so do most of the KC crowd since City’s relegation!), Al would run through brick walls if you told him to. Apparently Al used to carry a bit of extra weight a few years ago but an extreme lifestyle change resulted in the new man you see before you now. Expect to see a fitness DVD on the shelves of your local Tesco anyday now.

 

TONY WARD

Position: Utility

Appearances: 7

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: You cannot talk about Tony without the issue of his age raising its (gnarled and wizened) head. Tony is of course the eldest player on the team which he likes to remind everyone of at every available opportunity. He campaigned vociferously for an Oldest Player of the Year Award but his appeals fell on deaf ears. Despite his advancing years, Tony plays 3 times a week to maintain his fitness and harbours hopes of emulating Stanley Matthews by playing on into his 50s. Sir Stanley was a teetotal vegetarian and reckoned that was the key to his longevity. Tony, on the other hand, loves his steak and kidney pies washed down with copious amounts of ale. Not so much Sir Stan as Desperate Dan. It remains unclear whether Tony’s legendary warm-up routine for next season will include lifting a cow with one hand.

 

 

 

ANDY THOMPSON

Position: Midfield

Appearances: 4

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Andy arrived in the team during the latter stages of the Kickers season to great effect. Reminiscent of Eric Cantona joining Leeds Utd in the last 2 months of the 91-92 season when he rubber-stamped their title win, Andy put together a string of promising performances that inspired the Kickers to play some of their best football of the season. If he follows a similar Cantona-esque path, Andy can look forward to an incident packed career of kung-fu kicks, Gallic shrugs, turned-up collars and cameo acting roles. Well…if the seagulls will follow the trawler….

NIGEL CASS

Position: Midfield

Appearances: 6

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Another old-timer who succumbed to the ravages of decrepity and missed the latter part of the season with a calf injury. Shame really as Nigel had been showing some decent form up to that point. When considering the impact Nigel had this season though, one thing cannot be ignored – his capacity for talking his way though a game. Hell this man can chat! “Nigel wants it” became not just a catchphrase but his own personal battle cry. Rapper Jay Z has nothing on Nige C – well apart from millions in the bank and being married to Beyoncé of course! Yes, but can he bend a ball from 30 yards like our Nigel?

Apparently Jay Z is interested in investing in Arsenal (following on from P Diddy’s flirtation with Crystal Palace). The Kickers of course already enjoy the patronage of a generous benefactor in the form of Dr Richard Heseltine (or Richie H Fierce Bling a.k.a.Sir Swoop as he is known to the lads).

ROB DENT

Position: Midfield

Appearances: 1

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Rob who? You know… Rob Dent – tough tackling midfielder, promising debut in the first game of the season, the future of the Kickers….no never heard of him. Neither did the Kickers after that first game. File under “Where Are They Now?” along with Simon Lamb, Big John Higham, wedge haircuts and Sigue Sigue Sputnik.

 

 

 

PAUL ANDREWS

Position: Forward

Appearances: 5

Goals: 4

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: The season’s “what if” story. What if Paul had stayed fit? Who knows what the Kickers could have gone on to achieve? Paul scored 4 goals in as many games in the first half of the season but missed the entire second half through a persistent injury. Football is littered with “what if” stories when history rattles the points and the future plots a course in one direction when it could so easily have turned a different corner. What if the Russian lineman hadn’t awarded that goal in 1966? No World Cup victory possibly which means no “They think its all over” line from Kenneth Wolstenholme and no career hosting satirical sport-based panel games for Nick Hancock. He’d have probably ended up doing supermarket commercials – oh he did that anyway doesn’t he? Funny how some things are inevitable isn’t it? Get fit soon Paul.

 

ROBERT SHERRATT

Position: Forward

Appearances: 9

Goals: 5

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 3

Comment: What an unbelievable Season for Robert. He cleaned up at the AS Kickers Awards Ceremony bagging the following four trophies: Golden Boot, Players’ Player of the Year, Manager’s Player of the Year and the Sports Writer’s Player of the Year.In fact the only thing he didn’t win (apart from Bayliss’ Most Improved Player gong) was the Spectacle Wearer of the Year trophy (yes there is such an award!) and even then he was a close second.

The secret of his success? GOALS! And plenty of ’em! This season Robert scored on the pitch as regularly as love rat Ashley Cole scored off it …and our Robert didn’t feel the need to text photos of himself doing it (scoring goals that is) to his mates either. Who cares whether Wayne Rooney will be fully fit for the World Cup this summer? All England fans should be praying that Sherratt stays injury free. Robert, your country needs you!!

CARL BARROW

Position: Forward

Appearances: 10

Goals: 1

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comments: Last season Carl was restricted to just 2 appearances. Carl says he was injured but rumour has it he had a very bad haircut and went into hiding until it had grown out. This year, poster boy Carl demonstrated an enthusiasm that took many by surprise. He hardly missed a game, turned up for every training session and even supported the lads in a cloudburst when out injured. Deed Poll are expecting an application any day instructing them to change Carl’s name to Mr A.S.Kicker. Carl is also the only player in the squad who insists on taking his kit home to wash himself (Gary Moore washes everyone else’s as kit manager). We think he likes to wear it in bed (now that conjures up an image hey ladies!). Anyway, Carl’s performance on the pitch, contrary to all expectations, wasn’t too bad actually.

GEORGE SLATER

Position: Not on pitch long enough to ascertain

Appearances: 1 (minute)

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: The curious case of George Slater and the one minute appearance. It went unreported at the time – mainly because it was over in the blink of an eye – but George fashioned a bizarre appearance for the Kickers early in the season. Despite claiming to only be there to shout encouragement from the sidelines, Georgie Boy couldn’t resist the pull of the pitch and sauntered into the action in the second half. 60 seconds and one dive later, George was back on the sidelines, protesting that he should have had a penalty and that his back had gone. As unlikely cameos go, its up there with Keith Richards playing Johnny Depp’s Dad in Pirates of the Caribbean. According to movie legend, Richards had snorted a shed load of cocaine the morning he shot his scenes and, as a result, had no idea he was filming a movie. Similarly George seemed to have no idea he had been involved (albeit briefly) in a game of football afterwards although we are pretty sure there were no Class A drugs involved. George was never seen again in the Kickers ranks. (S)Laters George!

GARY MOORE

Position: Player/Manager

Appearances: 10

Goals: 1

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comments: An exacting season for the gaffer – the dual responsibility of the player/manager role finally taking its toll in the win against HUBS with Gary losing the plot big time. His goal return of one was desperately disappointing compared to last season’s haul of six – a contributing factor being his tendency to start himself on the bench as manager before coming on in the second half as player.

Gary is not alone in his failure in the player/manager role. Certainly there are very few examples of successful player/managers down the years. Dickiebliss can only think of Kenny Dalglish (1986 double winner), Gianluca Vialli (3 trophies in 3 seasons 1998-2000) and…..that’s where the trail goes cold. It seems to be a case of that perennial question of whether men can multi-task or not? Maybe Gary needs a lieutenant or to delegate more? Whatever he decides, the Gaffer is already planning for next season with a cunning ruse to play himself as goalkeeper – what was that before about goalkeepers being mental?

Click below to see an example of men multi-tasking at the highest level

THE MATCHES

 

 

AS Kickers 1-4 Estates

Friday 23 October 2009

Kick off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one where everyone wanted to play”

First game of the season, first defeat of the season. The game will be remembered for Estates employing a controversial rush-goalkeeper policy and for the fact that the Kickers had 11 players turn up for a 6-a-side game. Talk about using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut. Unfortunately it was more like too many cooks spoil the broth as the Kickers made a right dog’s dinner of this one.

Goalscorer: Carl Barrow

Man of the Match: Opposition Goalkeeper

AS Kickers 1 – 3 Union All Stars

Friday 30th October 2009

Kick Off: 12.40 pm

Match Report:

“The one with the game that (nearly) never was”

With the squad decimated by injuries and absences, The Kickers struggled to put out a team at all. In the end, the game could only go ahead with the Kickers supplemented by a player lent to them by the opposition and a once only appearance by Gary Thompson’s teenage daughter. Yes. that’s right the Kickers displayed their inner diversity by having a girl play for them! With your trusty blogger Dickiebliss not available for this one (he was going through his lackadaisical Berbatov phase), there was no match report and so very few details are known about this mythical game. A bit like USA beating England 1-0 in 1950 or Arbroath 36-0 Bon Accord. The record books show they took place but nobody really knows much about them. One myth emanating from the latter game is that Arbroath goalkeeper Jim Milne Sr did not touch the ball in the entire game and spent some of the match sheltering from the rain under a spectator’s umbrella. Rumour has it that stand in Kickers goalkeeper Gary Thompson had a slightly busier time of it.

Goalscorer: Paul Andrews

Man of the Match: No idea

 

AS Kickers 0-3 Law School

Friday 6th November 2009

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one with George Slater in it”

2nd May 1953:
FA Cup Final day
Wembley Stadium
Final score: Blackpool 4-3 Bolton

The game that would forever be known as the “The Matthews Final” after the performance by Blackpool winger Stanley Matthews who inspired his team to come from 3–1 down and on a personal note, claimed the trophy that had eluded him in two previous finals.

Fast forward 56 years…..

6th November 2009
Lunchtime
Far 3G pitch (the one in the corner)
Final score: AS Kickers 0-3 Law School

The game that will forever be known as “The Slater Spectacle” after Kickers substitute George Slater single handedly entered and then exited the pitch all within the space of 60 seconds, inspiring his team to blink in disbelief at the bizarre curiosity that was his Kickers career. Will we still be talking about George’s performance in another 56 years? No we won’t.

Goalscorer: No chance

Man of the Match: George Slater

 

 

AS Kickers 0-6 SHES

Friday 13th November 2009

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one where supernatural forces caused a Kickers catastrophe”

Match 4 was played on Friday the 13th and was littered with spooky events including moving goalposts, unnervingly accurate finishing from the opposition and a bizarre incident where the ball defied the laws of physics by changing direction mid-air to prevent a certain Kickers goal. And yet to blame the supernatural for this defeat is as convincing as Derek Acorah’s passport listing his occupation as a Psychic Medium. The lads performed like phantoms, disembodied and a pale vision of a football team. In the end they just gave up the ghost.

Goalscorer: Uh uh

Man of the Match: Cleveland (opposition captain)

 

AS Kickers 3-0 IECS/HIFI

Friday 20th November 2009

Kick Off: 12.00 pm

 

Match Report:

“The one where the Kickers beat the league leaders”

Without question the performance of the season as the Kickers whipping boys somehow toppled the unfeasibly tall and god-like league leaders. Alan Hewett played the game of his life in defence, standing firm when all about him were wilting and then popping up at the other end to slam dunk the goal that sealed victory. Manager Moore worked some brilliant reverse psychology on his squad by telling them pre-kick off that they couldn’t possibly win and to keep the score down to ten – in fact his actual words were “You’re s**t and you know you are”. One to tell the grandchildren about.

Goalscorers: Robert Sherratt, Paul Andrews, Alan Hewett

Man of the Match: Alan Hewett

 

AS Kickers 1-4 HUBS

Friday 27th November 2009

Kick Off: 12.40 pm

Match Report:

“The one where Gary Moore lost the dressing room”

A dreary and dreadful performance by the Kickers who were comprehensively outplayed by the opposition. Again a massive squad turned up for the Kickers (11 in all) showing how many people want to play for the grand old team. Inevitably some players were overlooked with the likes of Carl Barrow and Gary Thompson hardly getting any playing time. Gary in particular suffered the ultimate insult of being a substituted substitute when he was hauled off just 3 minutes after coming on as a second half replacement.

It was at this point in the season that the rumour began that Manager Moore had “lost the dressing room” with players unhappy with the squad rotation policy and the results not being up to standard. There has been a lot of dressing rooms being lost recently. At various points in the season the following managers have been accused of it: Rafa Benitez, Martin O’Neill, Phil Brown and Iain Dowie, Gary Megson and most recently Brian Laws – even John Terry was accused of it in the wake of his sex scandal and he’s not even a manager! What a curious phenomenon it is to lose a dressing room – presumably all these people knew where it was the previous day – indeed Rafa Benitez has been at Anfield for 6 years so surely he didn’t need a map to find it? Maybe he needs to go on one of those stadium tours to refresh his memory – or maybe he really is just a fat Spanish waiter after all and has finally been found out?

Anyway, Moore knew the knives were out and a much needed improved performance was needed in the next game…..

Goalscorer: Paul Andrews

Man of the Match: Robert Sherratt

 

AS Kickers 1-0 SHES

Friday 4th December 2009

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

” The one where Bayliss put Cleveland in his pocket”

A second win for the Kickers against much fancied opposition. An heroic defensive performance was the key with Bayliss giving his best performance of the season in neutralizing the dangerous opposition star striker Cleveland to the point that the SHES player felt totally emasculated at the final whistle – the big girl’s blouse! Bayliss was more ubiquitous than the ‘”Go Compare” advert and probably just as annoying for poor Cleveland.

The Kickers had responded to last week’s awful defeat in the best possible way – there’s “bouncebackability” for you as Ian “The Relegation King” Dowie would say…

Click below to see the Hull City manager temporary Football Management Consultant in action as a player…

Goalscorer: Paul Andrews

Man of the Match: Richard Bayliss

 

AS Kickers 2-3 Union All Stars

Friday 15th January 2010

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one where foul play won the day”

This one is primarily remembered for the dirty tactics employed by the All Stars who literally kicked their way to victory in a bad -tempered encounter. Late challenges and off the ball pushing and shoving were the order of the day as the All Stars, led by their captain AOB (it was the “legend” on the back of his shirt …no…. nobody else could work it out either!), proved cheats do prosper sometimes. But the moral victors were the Kickers who displayed true sportsmanship and thoroughbred gentlemanly conduct throughout despite extreme provocation – well except for Carl Barrow who sulked like a big baby from start to finish after being made to play in the rain without his all weather waterproof.

Goalscorers: Gary Moore, Robert Sherratt

Man of the Match: Robert Sherratt

 

AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

Friday 22nd January 2010

Kick Off: 12.30 pm

Match Report:

“The One where the Kickers wore their brand new strip!”

After much anticipation the lads finally strode out to do battle in a proper football kit with matching shirts, shorts and everything (that’ll be socks then – Fashion Ed). Unfortunately the lads clobber was the only thing that matched on the day as the result did not co-ordinate with the performance as the plucky Kickers went down to a lucky long-range fluke of a shot. An unlikely combination of a locked gate, a lost ball and an impatient games teacher meant that the second half was abandoned after a mere 7 minutes!

Goalscorer: (Size) Zero

Man of the Match: Tony Ward

AS Kickers 3-2 HUBS

Friday 19th February 2010

Kick Off: 12.00 pm

Match Report:

“The one where Gary lost his head”

This match was polarized by the performances of two players – one a towering display of footballing prowess and clinical marksmanship, the other a contemptible show of petulance and bad behaviour.

Step forward Robert Sherratt (Hurray!!) and Gary Moore (Boo!!). All round good guy Robert produced a marvellous treble to secure a remarkable comeback by the Kickers who triumphed after being two goals behind. Public enemy No 1 Gary on the other hand produced a disgraceful waist high two-footed lunge against an opponent as retribution for an admittedly bad tackle seconds earlier against himself. A case of the good, the bad and the very ugly (let’s not bring Iain Dowie into it please!)

Growing rumours that Gary has been auditioning for the role of pantomime villain in this year’s Christmas Panto at Hull New Theatre remain unsubstantiated. Pantomime Villain? Now there’s an alternative career for that other favourite national punchbag Ashley Cole!

Goalscorer: Robert Sherratt (3)

Man of the Match: Robert Sherratt

 

AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Friday 26th February 2010

Kick Off: 12.00 pm

Match Report:

“The one where it rained a lot”

Dickiebliss’s wife has often pondered the age-old football conundrum – can a goal-less draw be a good game? Mrs Bliss is of the faith that such a game must have been boring as “nothing happened”.

Well lets see if that is true with the case study of Kickers 0-0 Estates. Did anything actually happen? Yes it was the first draw the Kickers have ever been involved in, yes the teams played 7 instead of 6-a-side and yes there was a lot of shouting and posturing (especially from the overtly masculine and ridiculously red-blooded Estates team)….but did anything actually happen? No not really ….it just rained a lot.

Goalscorer: A Washout

Man of the Match: Gary Thompson

AS Kickers 0- 1 Coastal Studies

Friday 5th March 2010

Kick Off: 12.40 pm

Match Report:

“The one where a scabby goal was scored”

The final game of the season (Finally! Dickiebliss thanks the gods of football for signaling the end of this marathon blog). Perfect weather conditions and an undefeated run of two games gave cause for optimism but in truth the Kickers turned in a performance as lifeless as Gary Neville’s remaining career in top flight football (seriously Gary – give up!). The winning goal was a fluke but in fairness anything more than a defeat for the boys would have been a travesty.

Click below to witness the art of the flukey goal

And like that (snaps fingers) it was all over…..

Epilogue:

A season that will be talked about for years to come? Probably not. But the Kickers best ever season? Yes..and that’s a fact!

But more importantly than that…fast forward 30 years to a time when the players of 2009/10 have long since thrown away their shin pads* and their waistlines are as big as Cristiano Ronaldo’s ego and the days of playing football are as dead as Ashley Cole’s marriage … maybe, just maybe, the exploits of this season will still promote warm and wistful memories of comradeship, fun and the occasional goal for those that were there…

*This does not apply to Tony Ward – you’ll still be playing in the year 2040 Tony, obviously…

The Kickers season in statistics:

P 12 W3 D1 L8 GF 12 GA 27 Pts 10

AS Kickers 0-1 Coastal Studies

The last day of the season finally arrived for the Kickers after numerous cancellations, delays and postponements and in keeping with footballing tradition, the weather was glorious. No blizzards, no driving rain and no hailstones as the previous few weeks had brought – instead bright sunshine and a moderate temperature – perfect for playing football. The boys looked smart in their newly washed kit and the mood in the camp was upbeat after a win and a draw in the last 2 games. Manager Gary Moore even had designs on a double hat-trick that would take him past Robert Sherratt as leading goalscorer for the season – now there’s belief in your own ability – otherwise known as self delusion.

As for Sherratt himself, his goalscoring exploits for the season were over having been injured during the week playing in a friendly fixture. Robert admitted that in years gone by he would have played through the pain but with his 40th birthday approaching the era of “being sensible” and “acting like a grown up” was beginning and he opted to sit this was one out…dressed in a nice pair of slacks and some comfy shoes no doubt.

No such age concerns for the returning Tony Ward who at nearly 45 is the nailed on certainty for the oldest player of the year award. Tony had missed the last 2 games with a bad back but now he was …well… back! Tony’s warm-up ritual is legendary consisting of numerous jogs, stretches and bends that work together to bring his body and mind to a physical peak. However, none of the above prepared the squad for Tony’s latest exercise that involved him lying on his back and lifting his legs back over his shoulders as if auditioning for the role of a circus contortionist! Thankfully Tony was able to get out of this unnatural (and frankly disturbing) position without the need for medical aid – nobody fancied having to explain this one to the ambulance crew!

Also back was Carl “heart throb” Barrow who was ignoring his doctor’s advice in order to play. What a guy eh ladies? Courage and looks!

After attempting to avoid playing in the previous two weeks by firstly forgetting his boots and then turning up late enough to miss the first half, right back Rob Hall finally managed to miss the whole game by going completely AWOL. We know Rob is a reluctant hero but his shyness is beginning to cripple the team!

Once again there was support for the Kickers on the touchline in the form of injured squad members Nigel Cass and Robert Sherratt plus George Slater who had not been seen anywhere near the 3G pitch since his short appearance for the Kickers months ago. Its true stats fans, the record books will show that George came on as a second half sub against the Law School on 6th November for nearly a whole 30 seconds before having to go off injured. George’s performance went something like this:

• Run onto the pitch
• Loiter in the penalty area
• Receive a pass
• Fall over
• Claim a penalty (denied)
• Signal for a sub
• Hobble off pitch

Hardly a legendary performance admittedly but then Jürgen Klinsmann built a career on less.

For the anoraks amongst you, the Kickers went with the following starting line-up:

1. Wayne Thompson
2. Richard Bayliss
3. Gary Thompson
4. Andy Thompson
5. Alan Hewett
6. Carl Barrow

Subs: Gary Moore, Tony Ward

A promising start from the Kickers saw Alan Hewett combine neatly with pin-up boy Barrow who sent a sharp drive just wide. However, that was as good as it got for the lads in the first half as they began to sit deeper and deeper, inviting attack after attack from the Coastal Studies side. The defence was stretched to capacity with Thompson having to resort to ever more desperate hoofed clearances. On the opposite flank, Bayliss performed a number of last ditch block tackles to repel goal-bound shots including one effort that was stopped using his formidable backside.

As there always is, the opposition included the compulsory loudmouth amongst their ranks, this time in the form of a stoutly built bearded gentleman wearing a Brazil shirt who “effed and jeffed” his way through the entire game. How vulgar!

Ward was brought onto in place of Gary Thompson to add some “experience” to the defence and was soon in the thick of the action, chasing and pressing like a man possessed. Then Moore brought himself on for Barrow and in a rare Kickers attack squeezed an exquisite cross field pass into the path of the on-rushing Andy Thompson. Clear through on goal, Andy lost his composure and couldn’t sort his feet out quickly enough to take the pass in his stride and the ball somehow flicked off his heel and behind him and the chance was gone.

Click below to see how Andy should have dug the ball from under his feet…

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Coastal Studies

With Gary Thompson back on for Bayliss and Barrow swapping with Moore the only changes, the second half began with a familiar pattern emerging. Coastal Studies were starting to get on top and were attacking the Kickers goal with alarming regularity. The big annoying bloke in the Brazil shirt smacked one effort against a post and then…the scabbiest goal you will ever see. A powder-puff cross came in from the right literally on the by-line and trickled towards Wayne Thompson in goals who bent down to easily collect the ball. What happened next defies the laws of physical plausibility. Seemingly from an impossible angle, the ball somehow squirmed under Wayne’s not insubstantial frame and trickled along the goal line, clipping the far post and span into the net! What a shocker!

Click below to see another goal scored from an impossible angle

The Kickers only response seemed to be to loft high balls into the opposition half for Alan “Marathon Man” Hewett to chase and to his credit Al did manage to latch onto one such ball before firing just wide of the post. Bayliss came back on with minutes to go to replace Tony Ward who had run himself into the ground but there was to be no late reprieve for the Kickers. If anything, Coastal Studies looked more likely to grab a second goal than the Kickers were to rustle up an equaliser. The final whistle sounded with Coastal Studies on the attack again – the game and the season was up.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Coastal Studies

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Another game, another gaffe for Wayne. It’s easy to criticize but the Kickers to a man should be shaking Our Wayne warmly by the hand and offering him their eternal thanks. Why? For being the one member of the squad brave enough to stand between the sticks every week, his flaws cruelly exposed more than any other player as he performed the role of chief monitor of balls accumulating in the back of the net superbly. As Robert Sherratt and Nigel Cass remarked on the sidelines, they’d rather not play at all if it meant having to play in goals. He may be daft as a brush for doing so but Wayne, we salute you. 8/10 Man of the Match

Gary Thompson – Gary was so taken by last week’s review that he had considered having MAD DOG put on the back of his shirt and a picture of a British Bulldog tatooed across his forehead. However this week, Gary was not so much “Well ‘Ard” as “Scooby Doo” – a stupid-looking canine with the brain capacity of John Terry who never learns that the evil ghost or monster’s true identity is always the only person they had met earlier in the episode. In Gary’s case, he never learns not to jump into a tackle thus allowing the opposition striker to easily glide past him…despite Manager Moore telling him every week not to. 6/10

Richard Bayliss – This season, Richard has come to realize that he doesn’t play football. No, what he actually does is get in the way, delay the action, form a physical barrier – in short, he stops other people playing football. He’s a killjoy, a party pooper, he is a spoilsport in its purest form…he spoils sport. But most of all he writes this blog and awards the players their ratings and this week he awards himself 7/10. 7/10

Carl Barrow – Neat and tidy (like his quiff) display from Carl who had the best chance for the Kickers very early on in the first half. That old football maxim of the chance coming too early in the game applied here though, arriving as it did before Carl had got his eye in (not that he wears a false one you understand ladies). Actually Carl’s link up play wasn’t at all bad but he was as likely to score as John Terry is to be named Father of the Year – oh hang on he was wasn’t he….doh! 7/10

Alan Hewett – Is he man or machine? The Kickers’ very own 6 million dollar man was still full of running at the end of the game – and he’s in training for a marathon. Actually what sort of player could you get for 6 million dollars these days? 6 million dollars is about 4 million pounds … in the last transfer window Hull City turned down a bid from Wolves for Stephen Hunt for that amount. I’d rather have Al in the City team thanks – and I bet he could have the big girl’s blouse in a fight! 7/10

Andy Thompson – Andy gave a master class in how to perform the sliding tackle and didn’t deserve to be on the losing side. Involved in a bizarre incident at half-time when it was pointed out that he had his shorts on inside out! Was it another footballing superstition or was it that Andy had literally turned himself inside out when giving two opposition players the runaround in the corner as the first half closed? 7/10

Tony Ward – If there’s one thing in life Tony hates it’s losing at football – he really can’t stand it. Its got so bad that Tony refuses to accept the reality of Hull City’s results anymore (in Tony’s alternate world City are pushing for a European slot). Something else Tony refuses to accept is his encroaching old age and the small matter of a dodgy back. Neither of these things received any countenance as Tony pulled another great performance out of the (colostomy) bag. 7/10

Gary Moore – Saturday 27th March 2004… Chesterfield’s second division battle with Grimsby Town ends 4-4 and is watched by a crowd of 4,444. This footballing peculiarity, sad as it is, is more interesting than anything Gary did on the pitch. Double hat-trick my a**e! 6/10

AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Dickiebliss was once asked by his line manager the perennial question “What is it about grown men and football?” Indeed….given the conditions this match was played in most of the Kickers squad were asking themselves the same thing. Why would anyone put themselves through this? Just to remind you, the weather on Friday was atrocious and the game itself was played out during a torrential downpour, a cloudburst of biblical proportions.

The game against Estates had already been postponed once and surely it was in doubt again with the relentless rain? A further complication arose with yet more problems on the small 3G pitch meaning the game was shifted to the larger neighbouring pitch. As the lads assembled there was a demonstrative reluctancy to leave the warmth and comfort of the changing rooms and the team chose to do their warm up exercises in there. All except the clearly deranged Gary “Mad Dog” Thompson who was first out, obviously keen to rebuild his reputation after last week’s blog questioned his commitment and manliness by calling him a wuss for missing the game with toothache. Younger brother Wayne felt the pull of sibling loyalty and begrudgingly followed Gary out into the squall muttering under his breath ” It’s sooo unfair….why do I always have to do what he wants to do?” and something about hand-me-down trainers.

Last week’s villain Gary Moore promised to behave himself this time and suddenly the procrastination could go on no longer – it was time to brave the elements and do battle! Veteran right back Bayliss was still unsure and would only depart the changing rooms with an umbrella in hand prompting many a Steve McClaren quip.

With the squad still suffering with injuries, it was a skeleton team of just 6 that made it to the rain-soaked pitch. Estates on the other hand seemed to have a constant stream of players turning up culminating in a multitude of 9. And these guys were big and burly and chomping at the bit. Collectively, they looked like one big seething mass of testosterone. Among their ranks was the massive goalkeeper who kept coming out of his area to play outfield the last time the two teams met. This guy is the proverbial man-mountain. Suddenly a familiar face appeared – it was Alan Hewett – not so much a mountain more of a hillock size-wise but a Ben Nevis in terms of stamina – things were looking up!

With the arrival of Hewett it was agreed to play 7-a-side and the Kickers lined up thus:

1. Wayne Thompson
2. Gary Thompson
3. Richard Bayliss
4. Alan Hewett
5. Andy Thompson
6. Robert Sherratt
7. Gary Moore

A flurry of excitement when it appeared a crowd was arriving – finally the Kickers had some fans! But no it was actually Tony Ward and Carl Barrow who couldn’t be considered bona fide fans on account of them being (injured) members of the squad – their support was very welcome though and duly noted. Right on kick off last week’s debut boy Rob Hall arrived but too late to make the starting line-up and he had to make do with a place on the bench…and bizarrely there was an actual bench on this pitch with a roof and everything…

The manly men of Estates kicked off and immediately launched a red-blooded attack. There was an audible sharp intake of breath from the Kickers defence as a sea of powerful muscles and pumped up thighs descended on them (“Steady on” watershed ed). The Kickers though had their own hardy, strapping tower of masculinity in the shape of “Mad Dog” Thompson who stood firm and broke up the attack before setting a Kickers breakaway in motion. The ball swept to the other end via Andy Thompson, Gary Moore and then finally to Robert Sherratt who forced the opposition goalkeeper into a smart save.

The rain was now lashing down yet there was some decent football being played in spite of the weather. Although the bulk of the possession was with Estates, the Kickers looked dangerous on the break. Hewett had started in centre of defence but was popping up everywhere, whilst “Mad Dog” Thompson was getting his head in the way of everything. Keeper Wayne Thompson, however, was suffering from a wardrobe malfunction. His specs required constant wiping to clear the rain away from them – in the end he dispensed with them altogether flinging them angrily into the back of the net. The spectating Carl Barrow wisely decided that wasn’t the best place to keep them and effected a nimble rescue act and whisked them away to the safety of the dugout. Some wag from Estates came up with a glorious one-liner – “Should have gone to specsavers mate!” How we all laughed!

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Bayliss decided he’d had enough at half-time and made straight for Rob Hall who was standing high and dry in the dugout. “I felt a slight twinge in my calf. You’ll have to go on Rob” Bayliss lied through his teeth and Hall was forced out into the unforgiving monsoon in a straight swap at right back.

Conditions were now officially beyond atrocious and to carry on was pure farce- but nobody was going to do the sensible thing and call it a day. These were men after all and this was football – men don’t cry off from the football because its raining (well unless your name is Bayliss obviously). The pumped up Estates boys were still going hell for leather and beginning to get on top. A ball drifted across the box and landed at the feet of the Estates man-mountain 2 yards out who couldn’t miss – yet inexplicably he did as he got his footwork all wrong and the ball bounced off his heel away from goal!

Another Estates thunderbolt arrowed towards the Kickers net but from nowhere Mad Dog Thompson threw himself in the way and deflected the ball away for a corner. At the other end Hewett waltzed past three defenders and into the box but just overcooked it and was caught by one final tackle and the chance was gone.

With the Kickers hanging on all eyes turned to Gary Moore as official time keeper – how much longer could there be? “That’s it fellas” Moore finally cried and the madness was halted with the Kickers recording their first ever draw and stretching their unbeaten run to two (well you have to start somewhere).

“What is it about grown men and football?”…its the adrenalin, the camaraderie…it’s the thrill of winning that tackle, of making that saving clearance …it’s all of these things and more …but most of all…today…it was all about the rain.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson: Credit must go to Wayne for keeping a clean sheet in such treacherous conditions. Many a goalkeeper has succumbed to the elements down the years but not so our Wayne. Although he admitted after the game that he couldn’t see a thing outside of his area once he’d removed his glasses, he managed to hold firm and was as brave as a lion – Clarence the cross-eyed lion from Daktari obviously. 7/10

Gary Thompson: Talking of animals…here comes Mr Mad Dog himself. Not so much lion-hearted as rabid pit-bull, Gary turned in a frenzied performance of tackles, blocks, clearances and challenges. He literally was like a dog with a bone that wouldn’t give it up. Bitchin! 8/10 Man of the Match

Richard Bayliss: Touched the ball five times in the first (and his only) half before disappearing to the safety of the dugout. The five touches were pretty decent though. 6/10

Alan Hewett: Where was Al meant to be playing? Started off in defence before moving up front via the right wing. Seemed most likely to break the deadlock for the Kickers. Rumours persist that Al will be giving up the footy due to his training regime for his upcoming marathon. Say it ain’t so Al…7/10

Andy Thompson: A combative display from Andy who is fast becoming the “action man” of the team. Often heard bellowing the commands “Volunteer needed for a special mission” (cue disappearing act from Bayliss) or “Enemy in range 1000 yards” – watch out for his “eagle eyes” 7/10

Robert Sherratt: Last week’s hat-trick hero couldn’t repeat the feat this week. Never really looked likely to pull the trigger – I think his gunpowder got wet. 6/10

Gary Moore: Chastened by last week’s review, Gary was much more placid but like Samson without his hair, taking away the aggression from his game reduced his impact. Apparently Samson’s heroic feats included slaying an entire army with only a donkey’s jawbone…a donkey you say?…why does that ring a bell? 6/10

Rob Hall: Pressed into action by the lame Bayliss, Rob looked confident in shoring up the right hand flank with some measured passing and tackles. But why didn’t he play from the start? A “reluctant hero” maybe? Wikipedia cites Han Solo from Star Wars as an example of a reluctant hero – a man initially reluctant until he realised there was no one else but him who could succeed. Hmmm…so if Rob is Han Solo, does that make Bayliss C3PO? A cowardly robot with stiff joints. Sounds about right….7/10

AS Kickers 3-2 HUBS

Finally… a proper, bona fide, honest to goodness league match against real live opposition. Having had to make do with training sessions galore and an impromptu friendly game played in a blizzard, the Kickers were back on the circuit with a match against a team who had given them a humiliating chasing the last time they met. Back in November HUBS had triumphed 4-1 with a marvellous solo performance by their nippy forward with the …ahem ….low centre of gravity ( “well put” – politically correct ed). Would the tubby git (“groan” – politically correct ed) do the same again this time round?

Before they could worry about the opposition make-up, the Kickers had some team selection problems of their own to deal with. The squad was decimated by injuries and absence. Here’s the full roll call of the unavailable:

• Tony Ward (gone fishing – literally)
• Nigel Cass (on the lash with his mates – allegedly)
• Alan Hewett (in Derby – bizarrely)
• Chris Awre (heavy cold – perennially )
• Gary Thompson (toothache – wussily)
• Paul Andrews (Still AWOL -who he?)

And so it was left to the remaining seven members of the squad to turn up and turn in a performance that would be written about for years to come (well – this weekend at least).

The Magnificent Seven included yet another new boy in Rob Hall who was to replace Gary Thompson at left back – a bit like Wayne Bridge standing in for Ashley Cole in the England team but without the lurid tabloid headlines or Max Clifford. Rob had originally e-mailed in his excuses saying he had forgotten his kit but manager Gary Moore channeled his inner vindictive sports teacher persona (think Brian Glover in “Kes”) and sent him home to go and get his boots! Gary had been overheard in the dressing rooms pre-match complaining of the workload associated with having to be coach, tactician, kit manger, bibs and cones monitor etc …his treatment of Rob showed the pressure was taking its toll. Gary would let off steam in dramatic fashion late in the second half…

The good news was that the official team strip was back – it having been sent back to the manufacturers after the cuffs bled the first time it was washed! To celebrate, the Kickers were out early for their warm-up …far too early as it turned out! It was the longest warm-up ever witnessed on the 3G pitches lasting a full 30 minutes leaving many of the elder members of the team knackered before a ball had been kicked. As the endless stretching exercises unfolded, Robert Sherratt gave a stern warning to team mate Carl Barrow. Carl had been to the doctors in the week and had been prescribed anti- inflammatories for his knees. “You can get addicted to those you know – you’ll end up found dead on the toilet like fat Elvis”. As it turned out, health problems did await poor Carl who would not make it to the final whistle – happily Carl’s demise was not as tragic as Elvis’s.

Finally HUBS turned up including their nippy star striker and this time he had a strike partner who was equally small in stature. Tom Thumb -like they may have been but they were fast and needed only the slightest half chance to punish any defensive mistakes. They could be in and out of the penalty area in less time than it took Fabio Capello to sack John Terry. So opportunist were they that they came to be known as “Smash” and “Grab”.

Meanwhile, Gary Moore’s team talk again pointed to the fact that something was awry with him as instead of the usual “keep it tight, press the man, talk to each other, no messing about with back-heels” diatribe, Gary simply said “Not bothered today lads – just go out and enjoy yourselves.” Hmm…folly or genius – its a fine line…Moore elected to start on the bench with Carl barrow up front, supported by Robert Sherratt and Andy Thompson in midfield, Bayliss and Hall at the back with Wayne Thompson in goals.

A bright start was soon undermined as the Kickers found themselves trailing 0-2 thanks to some opportunist finishing from “Smash” and “Grab” and some criminal goalkeeping from their own normally reliable custodian of the nets. A dipping HUBS shot was going wide of the left hand post but Wayne Thompson wanted to make sure and dived to divert the ball behind anyway. However, Wayne got his bearings all wrong and succeeded only in keeping the ball in play and palmed it into the path of “Smash” who pounced on the chance and steered it into the empty net. Two minutes later a carbon copy as another HUBS effort was spilled by Thompson into the path of “Grab” who clinically converted the chance.

At 0-2 down a Kickers comeback looked unlikely but what transpired would go down in Kickers folklore and beats the Magnificent Seven triumphing over hordes of Mexican bandits in the “you couldn’t make it up” stakes . A neat interchange of passes saw Carl Barrow advance down the right wing. As he began to run out of pitch, Carl swung a cross over which the arriving Robert Sherratt cooly directed into the net. Game on!

Within minutes the Kickers were level thanks to that man Sherratt again. This time he gathered the ball out on the left and set off towards goal. With Andy Thompson having run the length of the pitch to get up in support and screaming for the ball, Sherratt decided he didn’t need any help and nonchalantly passed the ball under the advancing keeper into the empty net. A wonderful solo strike fit to grace any game.

Then a dramatic incident – a crunching tackle on Carl Barrow saw the Kickers pin-up boy shrieking in pain as he crumpled to the floor. Relax ladies – Carl’s face was uninjured. His ribs however, the same ones that he had injured in training before Xmas, took the full force of the collision and were causing him terrible discomfort. “I shouldn’t have played” Carl bemoaned and pleaded with boss Gary Moore to be taken off – but Moore was still in sadistic sports teacher mode and told Carl he had to stay on until half-time….well… to be fair Carl didn’t have a note from his Mum.

Half-time: AS Kickers 2-2 HUBS

Moore finally relented and replaced Carl for the second half assuming his normal position up front. Straight from the kick off the Kickers put together a stunning display of ball possession with every outfield player joining in a move that drew chants of “Its just like watching Brazil” from the non-existent crowd…and then they lost the ball and HUBS went straight down their end and hit the inside of the post! It was a warning that the Kickers took full heed of.

Click below to see another great display of possession football (this one’s for you Gary Moore!)

The Kickers were sensing glory now and not content with a creditable draw were going for the win. Gary Moore drove through the heart of the HUBS defence but put his effort just wide. Gary wasn’t finished though and popped up on the right wing to slide a pass across the box to the waiting Robert Sherratt. Surely he couldn’t do it again? Yes he could! Robert deftly controlled the ball and shimmied past the goalkeeper before calmly slotting home his hat-trick goal. The action took literally a matter of seconds but it seemed like hours before the ball hit the back of the net. 3-2 to the Kickers – GET IN !!!

The expected HUBS revival never materialised and it was the Kickers who looked more likely to grab another. Bayliss advanced down the right wing and glanced a ball inside the opposition full back to Moore who laid it off to the debut boy Rob Hall who curled an effort just wide of the post. Both defenders joining in one attack – this was the very definition of “Total Football”…apart from the lack of anyone Dutch being on the pitch obviously!

And then….a dark chapter in an otherwise gloriously sunny read. The thought of letting a two goal lead disappear was too much for “Smash” who lunged recklessly into a sliding tackle on Gary Moore. As man and ball were sent sprawling, a hush descended over the 3 G pitch. But for Gary Moore the only thing descending was the red mist. Looking around for his assailant, Moore caught sight of him running freely with the ball and launched himself in an acrobatic two-footed assault, at one point totally horizontal off the ground and connected with “Smash” full on. Yet another hush descended as time stood still, the only audible sound  being that of Bayliss exhaling a big “oooh”. Predictably there followed the time honoured ritual of two grown men squaring up to each other and many a finger being pointed in anger. To his credit, “Smash” asked to be substituted and the situation was diffused. Moore later apologised for his actions to his team-mates who were hardly surprised at what had happened – Gary is a Leeds fan after all.

Click below to see Gary Moore’s Leeds idol in action – what a role model!

It was to be the last talking point as the final whistle brought an end to hostilities and the curtain down on a fine Kickers win.

Full -time: AS Kickers 3-2 HUBS

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson: An otherwise competent performance was marred by his two handling errors that led to both HUBS goals. Wayne has officially given up Monday training sessions to concentrate on his body building sessions at the gym. No doubt he is trying for the ripped physique of England goalkeeper David James. Sadly for Wayne the only resemblance on display was his Calamity James- like goalkeeping gaffs. 6/10

Richard Bayliss: Another decent performance from team blogger Bayliss. Rumours that he was only getting a game because of his match reports have surely been dismissed…unlike Gary Moore. 7/10

Rob Hall: Fine debut from the stand-in left back. His performance was only bettered by hat-trick hero Sherratt. Confident in possession of the ball, Rob showed no fear in the face of the HUBS strike duo. Now get on with those lines Rob ” I must not forget my football kit on Fridays… I must not forget my football kit on Fridays…I must not forget my football kit on Fridays…8/10

Andy Thompson: Andy has quickly established himself in the Kickers team despite only having made two appearances. Andy recently went on holiday to Bulgaria where the only downside was the amount of time had had to wait while queuing for the hotel lifts. With performances like these Andy won’t be behind anybody in the queue for a starting place. 7/10

Carl Barrow: Played a crucial part in the Kickers first goal that set the Kickers on the comeback trail. Carl caused many a female heart to flutter with his dramatic first half injury. As he laid prone on the pitch, a crowd of concerned players gathered round him. Was he OK? Was he dead? Carl emerged from the huddle to exclaim the immortal line “Does my quiff look alright?” 7/10

Robert Sherratt: Move over Paul Andrews, out of his way Roy of the Rovers….here comes the real deal…dear readers I give you the one, the only…MR ROBERT SHERRATT!!! Robert’s three goals represent a fantastic achievement. The only thing missing was the match ball. Robert is in good company. Apparently Geoff Hurst didn’t realise his last World Cup goal had counted until after the match. This meant he had not attempted to get the match ball as a souvenir, which hat-trick scorers traditionally do. Haller scorer of the Germans’ first goal, acquired the ball and was seen holding it as he collected his runner’s up medal. He returned it to England more than 30 years later. If Robert has to wait a similar amount of time for his match ball he will be nearly 70…that means he will be just about approaching his peak in Kickers years! 9/10 Man of the Match

Gary Moore: Acted the school teacher with his treatment of Rob Hall but then disgraced himself with his second half Kung-Fu show. All together now… (adopts stern teacher voice) “You’ve not only let your team-mates, your friends and your family down…you’ve let yourself down” 5/10

AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

It was destined to be a day of firsts – the match was played on a different pitch for the first time, the Kickers unveiled their brand new strip and there was also a debut game for a new member of the squad. Unfortunately, there was nothing new about the result which had an all too familiar look to it.

With the normal 3G pitch out of use due to Health & Safety concerns, the game was to be played on one half of the neighboring full-size pitch. As the local school had this pitch booked for 1.00pm the Kickers game was required to kick-off promptly at 12.30pm – so no time for any of the normal pre-game shenanigans such as ” crossbar challenge” (who can hit the crossbar from long-range), “back-heel flick-trick” (who can perform the most outrageous back-heel) and of course the perennial favourite “Its a knockout” (who can knock goalkeeper Wayne Thompson to the floor with a well-aimed pile-driver to the head).

And yet another first – it was agreed by the two managers that the game would be 7-a-side as opposed to the normal 6-a-side format seeing as both sides had 7 players each and it would be mean to make substitutes freeze on the sidelines. How considerate and what a refreshing attitude from the Kickers’ opponents after last week’s bad form displayed by the Union All Stars! In the end the Kickers had 8 players and so one perishing soul did have to do his impression of a glacier on the touchline – the poor unfortunate Carl Barrow was last to turn up (something to do with hair gel and an unruly quiff) but the first to go numb as his place in the starting line-up went to new boy Andy Thompson.

Hang on – did you say “Thompson”? Not another one surely?! Yes, in what seemed to be an attempt to turn the Kickers into a footballing version of Duran Duran there were now three members in the team all with the same surname!

Andy had paid his rock ‘n’ roll dues though. By turning up to every training session since well before Xmas, Andy had done the footballing equivalent of a pop hopeful playing every dirty, grimy working men’s club from Sunderland to Hull before hitting the big time and headlining Wembley stadium as a fully fledged rock star. His big moment had arrived and Andy was determined not to let it pass him by.

If Andy was under the impression that the Kickers always looked this slick an outfit, the veterans of the team were trying to come to terms with the air of professionalism their new kit was lending them. Indeed, Alan Hewett had to be forcibly coerced to change out of his normal Spurs top and into the new strip – apparently big Al feared that, similar to Sampson having his hair cut off, he would lose all his power and prowess without a cockerel on his chest. The curse of the superstitious footballer strikes again!

And so to the action…the 7 -a-side agreement meant a new formation that Manager Moore had to explain at length to his charges (“No there’s 7 of us – that’s one more than six so we can play with an extra player at the back this week”) Maths is obviously not the Kickers strong point!

The Kickers starting line-up in full:

Goalkeeper: Wayne Thompson
Right defence: Richard Bayliss
Left defence: Gary Thompson
Centre defence: Tony Ward
Midfield: Andy Thompson
Midfield: Alan Hewett
Striker: Gary Moore

It was in essence the Christmas tree formation with Tony Ward anchoring the defence in the centre-back position…and it was working! The defence showed great solidity with the Law School having to resort to ever more desperate long range pot shots.

Even when a cross field ball from Gary Thompson was mis-controlled by Bayliss and pounced upon by an opposition forward, the 41 year old defender recovered by showing a turn of pace that belied his advancing years and executed a perfect sprawling sliding tackle to block the shot. As forward and defender laid prone on the floor, Bayliss was first to react to swipe the ball to safety whilst still on the ground. Then something totally unexpected…the Law School forward congratulated Bayliss on his tackle (“ooh n0 missus don’t!” etc). This was sportsmanship of the highest order – there were even unconfirmed reports of a Law School striker politely asking if any of the Kickers minded awfully if he chanced his arm and had a shot at goal!

Meanwhile, Moore took himself off to allow Barrow to defrost with a run-out. Almost immediately and unexpectedly those polite law boys sprang a surprise by taking the lead. Still restricted to long range shooting by the Kickers defence, a Law School striker simply let fly from what appeared to be the halfway line and the ball skidded on the slippery surface through the hands of Wayne Thompson and into the net. The Law school skipper offered to let the Kickers have a penalty to even up the score so ashamed was he of the undignified way in which his team had taken the lead by virtue of the poor weather conditions but Moore declined the offer.

Click below to see the stupidest goalkeeper of all -time (not our Wayne!)

The extra man at the back however was allowing the Kickers defence to get forward like never before. Bayliss entered nose-bleed territory with a saunter upfield that culminated in a strike on goal that cannoned into Barrow damaging his quiff in the process. The ball deflected off a defender and out for a corner to the Kickers. The corner came in and was fumbled by the Law keeper straight to Barrow. Carl was obviously operating on a different time scale to everyone else (maybe as he’d arrived late) and, thinking it was still the pre-match warm-up, indulged in a solo bout of “crossbar challenge” and whacked the ball against the upright. As Carl wheeled away in celebration at his achievement his team-mates groaned collectively. The Law may be an ass but Carl had just proved himself to be a proper donkey!

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

The pressing matter of the pitch being booked by the local school from 1pm meant there could be no half-time team talk so there was just a quick swap of ends and the match restarted. New boy Andy Thompson was seeing a lot of the ball and he deftly played Alan Hewett in on goal but Al got caught between two minds whether to blast or chip his shot and in the end did neither and the chance was gone.

The Kickers were in the ascendancy now and the next chance fell once more to Carl Barrow who was set up for an attempt on goal following good work again by Andy Thompson. Carl steadied himself, took aim and, as the ball whizzed past him, produced a perfect air shot, his foot connecting magnificently with nothing.

Click below to see the Barrow air-shot

With the kickers desperate for a goal and time running out, Tony Ward sacrificed himself to allow the greater goal threat of Moore to re-enter the (ahem…legal) proceedings with Hewett dropping back into defence.

Alas, the Kickers were to be thwarted in bizarre circumstances. As an off target Law School effort missed Wayne Thompson’s left hand post, it ricocheted off the parameter stanchion and into the gated and locked playing field behind. In the absence of a substitute ball or a set of keys, and with the school sports master now glaring angrily at the players, it was decided that enough was enough and the game ended. The second half playing time was a mere 7 minutes! Game abandoned due to locked gate! The result however stood.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Marshalled the defence with his usual authority but the memory of the goal he conceded will have kept him awake into the early hours of Saturday morning. Never mind Wayne, you can always blame those cheap goalkeeper gloves that brother Gary bought you for Xmas! 6/10

Gary Thompson – Mr Consistent. Has made his name one of the first on the team-sheet of late with some towering performances. No mean feat with 2 other namesakes in the team. That’s “Thompson” spelt G-A-R-Y! 7/10

Richard Bayliss – Seemed to prefer the wide open flanks of the new pitch and certainly benefited from having Tony Ward beside him in defence. Even attempted to live out his Roy of the Rovers fantasy by appearing in the opposition penalty box as an additional striker on occasion. Not bad for an old fella. 7/10

Tony Ward – And talking of the older generation, here’s the most elderly man on the team. The venerable Mr Ward returned to the fold this week to show us all that you cannot beat a bit of experience at the back. He may be a bit grizzled, he’s certainly grey-haired but Tony proved he’s not yet old hat with an enthusiastic yet measured display of old school defending. (Enough with the “old” references! Age discrimination ed) Man of the Match 8/10

Carl Barrow – Poor old young Carl! Another traumatic week for the Kickers would be pin-up. Never really got into the game after a false start due to a quiff-related incident. He seemed weighed down by the burden of expectation as lone striker until Moore reappeared – or maybe he was just swamped in his new kit. Are you really an XL Carl? 6/10

Alan Hewett – What can you say about big Al? This blogger couldn’t think of anything so I googled him. Guess what? Nothing. Well, I say nothing, there was a reference to an Alan Hewitt – a deceased American actor whose main claim to fame was a small role in 60s sci-fi comedy “My Favorite Martian” about an alien from the planet Mars who comes to earth and lives with a human being under the guise of his uncle Martin. As far as we know our Alan is definitely human although his capacity to run and run and run has led to a rumour of him being “superhuman”. Tireless performance as ever. 7/10

Andy Thompson – Showed no nerves on his debut and saw a lot of the ball from start to finish. Confident in possession and determined of tackle, Andy looks to be a decent signing for the Kickers. If only he would consider changing his name – three Thompsons is enough to confuse anybody. Look at 80s synth-pop trio the Thompson Twins – how confusing were they? (the main confusion was why they were so successful – Music ed) 7/10

Gary Moore – Puzzling game for the gaffer. Took himself off early doors to allow Barrow on and was only seen again in the last 3 minutes of the truncated second half. This new “less is Moore” policy isn’t working Gary. 6/10

Academic Services 2-3 Union All Stars

With no game since early December due to the weather, the Academic Services squad had kept themselves fit with some indoor training sessions and despite the wind, rain and cold assembled on Friday lunchtime full of New Year resolution. Ah yes, New Year, new beginnings, a fresh start, ringing the changes and all that…and one thing that surely needs changing is the team name. From now on this blog will refer to the lads using the new team name of the “AS Kickers” (© Freda Oliver 2010). Much better…

As ever the squad turned up in healthy numbers but were minus two regulars – Tony Ward was away on a course learning how to collaborate with himself (maybe his left foot will know what the right is doing from now on) and alarmingly top scorer Paul Andrews was also unavailable.

Nevertheless it was still an 8 strong squad and manager Moore unveiled a new tactic of splitting it into “offensive” and “defensive” mini teams. Each mini team would work on their own tactics independently and substitute only within their group. A bit like American Football but without the cheerleaders (FYI: there are still plenty of vacancies for Kickers cheerleaders if any ladies are interested!)

With Chris Awre seemingly now permanently dethroned as the Kickers number 1, this was the lads starting line-up:

1. Goalkeeper: Wayne Thompson
2. Right defence: Richard Bayliss
3. Left defence: Gary Thompson
4. Midfield: Nigel Cass
5. Midfield: Robert Sherratt
6. Striker: Carl Barrow

The cold weather was causing problems even before kick off as Carl Barrow point-blank refused to take off his blue waterproof training top until it was made clear to him that he was starting and would cause a colour clash if he didn’t remove it. “Hey Carl, fancy a game?” shouted Nigel Cass as Carl stomped up and down the touchline moments before kick off with his lower lip stuck out in defiance.

Bizarrely, the weather had not put off a record crowd of 5 people turning up to watch – everyone of them a Union All Stars supporter! Without even the encouragement of Paul Andrews’ girlfriend (so far the only Kickers fan to ever turn up…ever), the lads made a very tentative start. There was very little going forward and every Kickers player seemed to have been struck down with Ray Wilkinsitis – think of a formation-dancing troupe consisting entirely of crabs and you’ve got the general idea.

As the half wore on it became apparent that an element of “niggle” was creeping into the action. Tackles were late, elbows were high and pushes were plentiful – and all of it coming from the Union All Stars! The Kickers of course always play the game in the spirit of the Corinthian Casuals, promoting fair play and sportsmanship – no Kickers player has ever been cautioned let alone sent off (mainly due to the fact that there has never been a ref for any of their games but nevertheless).

Unused to such unsporting tactics, our brave heroes struggled to come to terms with their dirty opponents. Inevitably the AS defence was breached. Some outrageous pushing and shoving at the hands of the All Stars causing Bayliss to shank a clearance from an incoming corner straight to an opposition striker who planted a shot into the back of Thompson’s net.

The main culprit dishing out the All Stars dirt was a a man who bore the legend “AOB” on the back of his shirt. AOB? Was this some ludicrous take on the Elvis Presley acronym TCB? For non Elvis aficionados, TCB stood for Taking Care of Business – Elvis named his band TCB and incorporated it into an emblem which was used in several pieces of jewelry including his famous T.C.B. ring. Its a sinister moto with Mafia connotations that promotes images of organised crime. AOB of course means “Any Other Business?” and promotes images of a softly spoken Chris Awre chairing an Information Management team meeting – it doesn’t carry quite the same tone of menace does it?

As the “niggle-o-meter” ticked over into boiling point, a late challenge on Gary Thompson brought howls of outrage from the AS team. The perpetrator was that man AOB – the Dick Dastardly of the 6-a-side world!

Click below to relive the horror tackle on Gary Thompson (N.B. The Kickers new and yet to be unveiled strip is not pink)

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Union All Stars

The Kickers were in need of an injection of pace upfront and so Gary Moore entered the fray in place of Sherratt whilst Bayliss made way for Hewett in defence. By now the rain was teeming down making the conditions especially difficult for the goalkeepers. Moore was alert to this and, pouncing on a misplaced All Stars pass, unleashed an unstoppable rocket that stung the opposition keeper’s hands causing him to spill it into his net. GOAL! It was a waspish strike from Moore with hardly any back-lift and it also ended his personal season long goal drought. “How about that then?” Moore shouted to Bayliss (the official team statistician) on the touchline. A massive thumbs up was the reply.

Suddenly the Kickers were full of confidence – Cass nonchalantly tried his luck from distance and was unlucky to see his drive rattle the base of the post. Talk about a game of two halves! But just as the match was within their grasp, a mistake in the Kickers defence allowed an All Stars striker to nip into the penalty area to poke a shot past Thompson and into the Kickers’ net.

The injustice of it all became too much for the still sulking Carl Barrow whose ankles had been tapped one time too many. “That’s it – I’ve had enough! I’m refuse to play against this bunch of caddish bounders a moment longer – the rotters!” Carl barked channeling his inner Corinthian spirit once more. “You better have a word with him” Cass remarked to Manager Moore. With a consoling pat of the head, Moore replaced Barrow with Sherratt who was eager to return to the action. At the same time Bayliss replaced Hewett in defence as the game entered the final quarter.

Sherratt’s impact was immediate as he harried and chased and blocked and tackled. Picking up a loose ball in midfield he advanced to the edge of the area, checked, looked up and let fly. It was a goal from the moment the ball was struck and it arrowed into the far left hand corner. WHAT A SCREAMER! The scores were tied up at 2-2.

Click below to see Sherratt’s Screamer

It was up for grabs now – but even as the Kickers were dreaming of unlikely glory they manged to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. A speeding All Stars forward got in behind Gary Thompson and cut into the penalty area. Bayliss tried in vain to close him down but was unable to prevent the ball across the box. Lurking at the far post was Dick Dastardly (aka AOB) who nudged in front of Sherratt (illegally no doubt) to glance the ball into the net of his shin. 3-2 to the All Stars. Drat, drat and double drat!

Before you could shout “Muttley…DO SOMETHING!!”, the ball was down the other end as the Kickers launched one last desperate attack to salvage the game. Moore forced a corner and beckoned everyone but Wayne Thompson forward. Even Bayliss was allowed to cross the halfway line for the first time in 3 games. As the corner was swung over Bayliss loitered at the back post but was comprehensively out-jumped by his All Stars marker who did though concede another corner. This was it – one last chance. Bayliss stepped up and delivered a decent outswinger across the face of the box that just begged a touch from someone, anyone to divert it goalwards but its trajectory beat everyone and glided harmlessly away to safety. Curses! Foiled again!

Fulltime: AS Kickers 2 – 3 Union All Stars

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – No clean sheet for Wayne this time but he turned in a decent impression of a goalkeeper anyway with some authoritative handling and cross interceptions. Needs to invent a pair of glasses which come with windscreen wipers as standard for the next rainy day game though. 6/10

Gary Thompson – Put in an almighty shift shoring up the defence despite nearly being cut in two by AOB’s horror tackle. Made countless crucial interceptions and clearances – didn’t deserve to be on the losing side. 7/10

Richard Bayliss – Didn’t do much wrong – didn’t do much at all in fact. 6/10

Alan Hewett – Not one of Al’s better games with some loose passes that didn’t find their intended target in evidence. Al didn’t seem to know where he was meant to be playing in the end and became increasingly isolated caught between defence and midfield. Maybe he should have gone on that “Collaborative Working” course with Tony. 6/10

Carl Barrow – Not one to tell the grandchildren about. “Now then kids, has Grandad ever told you the story about the day I sulked through an entire 6-a-side game whilst refusing to take my waterproof off because it was raining” 6/10

Nigel Cass – Growing in confidence with every appearance, “Stroller” Cass shimmied his way through the game with some daring snake-hipped moves. Unlucky not to score with a long-range strike that reeked of sang-froid. Here’s a thought – if Nigel had his own personal army of female fans would they be called Cass-ettes? 7/10

Robert Sherratt – Herculean performance from Big Bob Sherratt capped by that unstoppable missile of a goal that briefly threatened to earn the Kickers a deserved draw. Determined of tackle, sure-footed of pass, brave to the point of stupidity, Robert did not know when to stop – well apart from his usual 5 minute rest at the start of the second half to get his breath back. 8/10 Man of the Match

Gary Moore – He’s back.. back…BACK! Gary rolled back the years to break his season long goal drought with a smashing effort that would surely have won the “goal of the match” award on any other day. Gary was pipped at the post for that particular accolade by Sherratt’s genre defining wonder strike but that shouldn’t detract from a very polished performance up front from the gaffer. 7/10

Academic Services 1-0 SHES

4th Dec 2009 – a momentous day in the world of football. Finally it was here, all the anticipation, the hyperbole, the excitement had led us to this point…no not the World Cup 2010 draw… the day Academic Services beat Sports Science!

And what a day it was – the rain stayed away and the sun was shining as the ever enthusiastic AS squad assembled. All except 2 of them…Chris Awre had already sent in his sick note on Thursday. Pathetic excuse number 1 – “I can’t play I’m growing my beard”. More surprisingly the other absentee was Robert Sherratt. Pathetic excuse number 2 – he took the day off to go Xmas shopping! With the lack of commitment duly noted, the absence of Awre and Sherratt would mean some re-jigging of the team formation.

Last week’s fall guy Richard Bayliss made his way to the far 3G court (you know the one – the place where the magic happens) in splendid isolation, alone with his thoughts, reliving last week’s shocking performance. His Ipod randomly selected “Substitute” by Clout as the soundtrack to his journey from changing room to pitchside – somewhat apt as last week’s stinker of a game would mean a place on the bench for sure.

Bayliss was not alone though in trying to exorcise some demons. Manager Gary Moore had resorted to changing his boots in an attempt to break his scoring duck. Hey…whatever works for you Gary. His announcement that he was sticking with the same pair of lucky pants he always wears was less welcome.

And yet another no show – Tony Ward was delayed in a meeting that had over-run and was nowhere to be seen (aren’t meetings a waste of time?… especially Friday meetings and especially those which get in the way of the important things in life like 6-a-side football matches!). There was now an official absentee rate that would rival truancy comedy “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (the use of the word comedy is used begrudgingly here – there’s more fun to be had hacking off your own hand with a dull spoon than watching this film).

The AS starting line-up in full:

1. Goalkeeper – Wayne Thompson (in for the unreliable Awre)
2. Left Defence – Gary Thompson (restored to the side after 2 weeks of inactivity)
3. Right Defence – Richard Bayliss (hang on – that can’t be right!)
4. Midfield – Alan Hewett ( in for the AWOL Tony Ward)
5. Midfield – Paul Andrews (well you don’t bench your best player do you?!)
6. Striker – Carl Barrow (Really?..Carl?.. Striker?)

We did lose to this lot 6-0 last time didn’t we? (Yes you did – stats ed) OK then…this should be fun. Bogey team SHES were once again led by the Arsenal supporting Cleveland (the lad with the giant Afro) and the erstwhile thorn in the backsides of Academic Services. Bayliss was detailed to man-mark Cleveland whilst the idea going forward was to lob a few high balls over the top for Carl Barrow to chase onto. Sounds like a plan….

Wayne Thompson’s vocal organisation of his defence was once again in full effect, directing Bayliss and brother Gary with precision – “Gary, come into the centre two paces… Richard drop back one yard…” -it brought to mind 70s game show The Golden Shot. For those too young to remember (probably just Wayne in the AS squad), the show was presented by Bob Monkhouse and involved a crossbow (“Bernie the Bolt”) attached to a television camera guided by contestants shooting a bolt at an exploding target (“Up, up, up, left a bit, down a bit, left a bit, FIRE!”). Wayne’s precise instructions ensured Bayliss was never more than one foot away from the dangerous Cleveland and the threat to the AS goal was being nullified.

Further up the pitch, Carl Barrow was using his pace to stretch the SHES defence and raced clean through on goal only to fluff the chance following a poor first touch.The scores weren’t level for long though as Paul Andrews calmly slotted home his 4th goal of the season (and 3rd in consecutive games) with an accurate drive. Bullseye!

Meanwhile, Tony Ward had arrived hot foot from his late running meeting and was soon thrown into the action in place of Hewett. Immediately Tony found himself on the ball and unleashed a wicked dipping pile-driver that stung the hands of the SHES keeper.

Half time: Academic Services 1-0 SHES

The second half saw Hewett replace Gary Thompson on the left of defence and Gary Moore on for Carl Barrow. The AS defence carried on where they had left off with Bayliss attached limpet-like to Cleveland denying him the opportunity to produce anything like the form he had shown in previous encounters.

In attack, Moore made a further change bringing on a clearly injured Cass (well he had a bandage on his knee) to talk the SHES defence into submission and his plan nearly brought immediate dividends. Cass turned his marker into open space but was immediately closed down by the SHES goalkeeper and could only stab his effort wide.

Next a bizarre episode involving Alan Hewett. SHES forced a corner but whilst the AS defence readied themselves for the oncoming inswinger, Big Al suddenly decided he was playing in a completely different game – one which involved him having a ball all to himself! Stealing possession of the ball before SHES could take the corner, Hewett sped off upfield at full pelt, in some sort of trance, intent upon mounting a one man solo mission against the opposition goal. Sanity finally made contact with planet Hewett and the ball was returned to the SHES corner taker whilst Alan seemed blissfully ignorant as to what had just happened.

Click below to see an incident to rival Alan’s mental moment

SHES seemed to lose all direction following the Hewett incident and AS closed the game out. The 6-0 hammering Sports Science handed out last time the two teams met now seemed like it had never happened. Revenge was realised as the final whistle blew – football eh? Its a funny old game!

Full time: Academic Services 1-0 SHES

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Two clean sheets out of two for Wayne. Surely he has now established himself as the No 1 keeper? Chris Awre? Who? Oh… just some bloke with a beard we used to know…8/10

Gary Thompson – Flung into the thick of the action after 2 weeks of truncated appearances, Gary gave a composed performance with some fine passing and positional discipline. Welcome back Gaz! 7/10

Richard Bayliss – A revelation after last week’s nadir. Had Cleveland in his pocket all game, never letting him out of his sight. When Cleveland, turned off the TV at home that night and trudged up stairs to bed, Bayliss was behind him saying “See you in the morning”. 8/10 Man of the Match

Alan Hewett –

“We’ve got something you’ve not got,
we’ve got something you’ve not got,
we’ve got something you’ve not got, we’ve got Alan Hewett” 7/10

Carl Barrow – Given the opportunity to show what he can do from the start this week, “Wheel” displayed some neat footwork and held up the ball well. Couldn’t convert any of the half-chances that came his way but did enough to give Manager Moore something to think about when choosing the striker for the next game. 7/10

Nigel Cass – The word on the street was that Nigel was injured and would take no part in the game. That’s not the Nigel we all know though and sure enough he talked his manager into letting make a 2nd half appearance complete with bandage support. Fluffed his lines though with the only chance that came his way. Can’t fault his commitment though – can you Chris/Robert? 7/10

Tony Ward – Gatecrashed the party late into the first half but was no unwelcome guest as he put in a solid performance anchoring the midfield. 7/10

Paul Andrews – Mr Prolific – Paul is the Ledley King of the team – never trains with the rest of the squad during the week but does the business come matchday. Bagged his customary goal with the usual aplomb. 8/10

Gary Moore – No goals (again) but you can’t knock his tactical nous – pulled off an unlikely masterstroke by playing Carl Barrow up front and by keeping the faith with Bayliss at the back. 7/10