Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 2-0 IECS/HIFI
November 15, 2010, 9:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

November 12th 2010…mark this date well for it shall go down in history as the best Kickers performance of all time.  No really! It genuinely was!

Yes the heretics amongst you will argue that  it was “just a friendly wasn’t it?” (following some problems with teams not having registered properly on the new league website, the fixture was designated as not an official league game) but this was the stuff of dreams. No jumpers- for -goalposts kick about in the park this – proper teams, timed halves and the Kickers were in their smart blue kit for the first time this season -and that’s kit not uniform or outfit as the ladies in Information Management tried to tell Dickiebliss – “Were you wearing your little outfit today?” AAAGGGHHH!!!

In the dressing room prior to the match it became apparent that  John Higham had bought himself some brand spanking new first-time-out football boots to announce his return to the Kickers’ fold.

“Oooh – get you!” cooed his jeering team-mates but John knew that, just like Billy of the  Billy’s Boots comic strip, his boots could magically make him play in the style of a professional player. At least that’s what the man in the sports shop said.

John’s boots were part of the new retro collection and did indeed make him play like a donkey

The Kickers were missing some big names including Robert Sherratt but still had a 9 strong squad for Gary Moore to pick from. Richard Bayliss reported that he was carrying a knee injury and volunteered to start on the bench where he was joined by John Higham and Manager Moore.

Kick off…and what followed was pure footballing heaven. Literally for the next 90 seconds IECS did not touch the ball as the Kickers stroked it about with confidence and purpose. Every player was involved as the opposition chased shadows – this was total football in it’s purest form. For the first 5 minutes Wayne Thompson remained the only player in the Kickers half.

“Chuffin ‘eck!” exclaimed Moore from the sidelines, “what’s got into them?” Rumours that the IECS boys had just got back from a riotous field trip in Whitby and were still feeling the effects of their …ahem…research were just rumours of course.

Click below to witness secretly filmed footage of the IECS captain during the pre-match warm-up

All that was missing was an end product – the classy Paul Andrews had already struck a post and wonderkid Blake Mace (sorry BLAKE MACE!) had found the side netting from an acute angle before Alan Hewett finally put one in the onion bag (that means he scored ladies). A defensive mix up presented big Al with a chance which he took with aplomb.

Manager Moore freshened it up by allowing Bayliss and Higham to enter the proceedings 5 mins before the interval and immediately Bayliss was asked to stir his stumps by excellently closing down the marauding giant IECS forward  Luca when through on goal.

Half-time: Kickers 1-0 IECS

After much back-slapping and “Keep it going boys” type rhetoric at half-time, the Kickers emerged for the second half but without Bayliss who had sensibly asked his manager to sub him after his knee ligament injury had flared up once again. It could be sometime before the 42 year old veteran is seen in a Kickers shirt again.

Tony Ward filled in at the back and the Kickers were soon at it again. With an almost telepathic understanding having developed between Andrews and the gazelle-like BLAKE MACE! chances were being created one after the other. Blake somehow contrived to miss from a yard out with the goal gaping but he soon made amends finishing like a good ‘un after another link-up with Andrews.


A real first this - a genuine photo of the Kickers actually playing! Witness Tony Ward executing a slide-rule pass to Paul Andrews

At the back Wayne Thompson had little to do but on the one occasion he was called upon saved well with his feet from a Luka effort. IECS looked well beaten and it was they that were relieved when the final whistle ended their misery.

Full-time: The Kickers 2-0 IECS

Scorers: Alan Hewett, BLAKE MACE!

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson: Impressive stuff from the mighty Wayne again. Confident in his distribution and assured in his shot-stopping, the Kickers finally have a keeper to be relied upon…except that Wayne is on record as saying he’ll only play when his gym schedule will allow him to. Come on Wayne, the Kickers need you more than the body -building freak show circuit does!

If he were an X Factor contestant: Mary Byrne – solid as a rock. 8/10

Gary Thompson: Look, say what you like about Gaz (and this blog frequently has) but you can’t knock his consistency over the years. If the ball comes anywhere near him, Gary can be relied upon to launch it back in the direction it came with some extra “‘ave it!” thrown in for good measure...every single time.

If he were an X Factor contestant: Paije Richardson – never going to be a star but reliable performer all the same. 7/10

Tony Ward: A rejuvenated Tony reeled back the years with a display of enthusiastic running and commitment. Was later spotted in the campus Waterstones telling anyone who would listen what a great performance the Kickers had turned in, how pleased he was to be fit and playing again and how he was basically… well…”over the moon Brian”.

If he were an X Factor contestant: Wagner  – no idea what is going on around him but doesn’t care. He’s having the time of his life. 7/10

Richard Bayliss: Performed well during his 5 min cameo but looks like middle age may have finally caught up with him in the form of a persistent dodgy knee. Dark days ahead for our resident blogger as he contemplates the end of his playing career.

If he were an X Factor contestant: Katie Waissel – tries hard but is no longer reliable and prone to drama queen histrionics (how many times has his hurty knee been mentioned?) 7/10

John Higham: Still finding his feet back in the squad after his year long-sabbatical, John played most of the game in defence. After the game he admitted to Dickiebliss that being a defender was “really hard – you don’t even touch the ball that often”. Never mind John, Dickiebliss won most improved player last season by not touching the ball very much. Sometimes less really is more.

If he were an X Factor contestant: Treyc  Cohen – undoubtedly has some talent but yet to find his best position. 7/10

Alan Hewett: Always on the move, always available for a pass, always telling people where to run, big Al has now added that precious commodity of goals to his game. Tried one to many backheels for his manager’s liking but to criticise Al for that really would be pedantic – a bit like saying that Gareth Bale may be the best footballer in the world right now but he doesn’t half have stupid-looking ears – he does though doesn’t he?

If he were an X Factor contestant: One Direction – tires you out just looking at him/them 8/10

Paul Andrews: His partnership with BLAKE MACE! is the most excting thing to happen to the Kickers since Nigel Cass bought himself a new jock-strap. Toshack and Keegan? Dalglish and Rush?Pah! Andrews and Mace make them look as potent a strike duo as Keith Harris and Orville! Cuddles the monkey on the other hand was a nifty left-winger in his day…

If he were an X Factor contestant: Rebecca Ferguson  – class performance every time 9/10

BLAKE MACE!: Currently the envy of every other team in the league (and perhaps also a peeved Carl Barrow), BLAKE (MACE!) is fast turning into the discovery of the season. Some players just look the part and Blake certainly does and with his willingness to make run after run he reminds this blogger of a young Gary Lineker in his prime. Could even be heard shouting out encouragement using the collective noun for the first time this season (“Come on Kickers – keep it going!”). Aaawh – don’t you just love him?

If he were an X Factor contestant: Matt Cardle – new kid on the block causing a stir 9/10

Gary Moore: Content to let his young lions take centre stage for this one, Gary used himself sparingly no doubt ruminating over his best starting 6. Given the size of the squad this year, Gary may have some tough calls to make very soon the first one being how does he fit last year’s top scorer Robert Sherratt in to the Andrews/ Mace axis when Robert is available again? Sometimes 3 into 2 really won’t go.

If he were an X Factor contestant: Cher Lloyd – as the debate rages as to whether she is the new queen of pop or the Emperor’s new clothes so does the debate about Gary  – is he the manager or a player?  7/10

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