Dickiebliss’s Blog


AS Kickers 09/10 Season Review
May 8, 2010, 11:52 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

THE PLAYERS


Chris tried to improve his performance by fashioning an extra set of nets from his beard. It didn't work.

CHRIS AWRE

Position: Goalkeeper

Appearances: 3

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comments: Started the season in possession of the goalkeeper’s jersey but soon found himself deposed by the younger and frankly better Wayne Thompson. Sorry Chris but the stats don’t lie – your record reads:

P 3 W 0 D0 L3 Goals Conceded 14

Yes that last figure is a 14! Somehow Chris’s performance (or lack of it) seemed to slip under the radar as the cause of the Kickers early season malaise but no-one can escape the Dickiebliss end of season analysis – not even nice guy Chris (and hiding behind your beard won’t help). The verdict is in – Chris, you were pants!

Andy Goram: He taught Wayne everything he knows about technique

WAYNE THOMPSON

Position: Goalkeeper

Appearances: 10

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: Wayne established himself as the undisputed No 1 this season following Chris Awre’s demise. The reason that Wayne volunteered for the goalkeepers jersey is now lost in the mists of time. Certainly nobody else in the squad can give a rational explanation for his decision – but then as we all know goalkeepers are notoriously mental! Scottish goalkeeper Andy Goram is probably the most famous example of the breed. After it was reported in the press that Goram had a mild form of schizophrenia, fans responded with a chorus of “Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams”. Two Wayne Thompsons in goal may have improved the Kickers goals against column but their defence would surely never have coped with stereo instructions being bellowed at them by Wayne (x2). Anyway, one brother and one namesake in the team is surely enough Thompsons for anybody?

 

Phil Neville...or is it Steptoe? All together now..."ARROLD!!!!"

GARY THOMPSON

Position: Defender

Appearances: 9

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: Continuing the tradition of footballing brothers here comes Thompson the elder. Gary has been around the Kickers squad so long now that he’s almost part of the furniture – a clapped out, sagging, threadbare armchair which really should be thrown out but which nobody can bear to part with obviously! If Gary (and Wayne) really were professional footballers who would they be? Bobby and Jack Charlton? Frank and Ronald de Boer? Gary and Phil Neville? As Gary is the older brother that would make him Gary Neville – a sour-faced Scouse-hating whinger – not the best player to be likened to. Still that means Wayne is Phil Neville, best known for looking like old man Steptoe. Think you got off lightly Gary!

"Get in!!" Bayliss celebrates his win while a despondent Robert Sherratt cannot believe there is an award he didn't win

RICHARD BAYLISS

Position: Defender

Appearances: 10

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: He came, he saw, he man-marked furiously, he went home….to write the match report. While it is true that some of Richard’s best performances came in cyberspace, Bayliss the Blog was a model of consistency on the pitch maintaining a constant whiff of mediocrity. Amazingly voted most improved player of the season by his team-mates, it begs the question how bad was Bayliss the previous season?

Shy Rob wasn't keen on being in the Kickers team photo

ROB HALL

Position: Defender

Appearances: 2

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Shy guy Rob came into the squad late doors to shore up the defence. Despite being modest in nature and reticent with words, Rob was confident and assured in possession of the ball, slotting into the left back position so comfortably that he may well have been wearing slippers. Played so well in fact that the regular Kickers defenders may have to keep one eye over their shoulders next season if they are to keep their places in the team. Well, it is always the quiet ones you have to watch isn’t it?

 

An advert for Al's keep fit DVD: "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Alan Hewett will be that man. We can make him better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.....and possibly shorter"

ALAN HEWETT

Position: Utility

Appearances: 10

Goals: 1

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: Of all the new signings at the beginning of the season, Al arguably had more impact than anyone on the team both on and off the pitch. In fact he’s a bit like Jimmy Bullard at Hull City (without the dodgy barnet of course) – fully committed on the pitch (Nicky Barmby may disagree) and a likeable, bubbly character off it (Nicky Barmby definitely disagrees and probably so do most of the KC crowd since City’s relegation!), Al would run through brick walls if you told him to. Apparently Al used to carry a bit of extra weight a few years ago but an extreme lifestyle change resulted in the new man you see before you now. Expect to see a fitness DVD on the shelves of your local Tesco anyday now.

 

Tony had his own take on the traditional chicken pasta pre-match meal

TONY WARD

Position: Utility

Appearances: 7

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 1

Comment: You cannot talk about Tony without the issue of his age raising its (gnarled and wizened) head. Tony is of course the eldest player on the team which he likes to remind everyone of at every available opportunity. He campaigned vociferously for an Oldest Player of the Year Award but his appeals fell on deaf ears. Despite his advancing years, Tony plays 3 times a week to maintain his fitness and harbours hopes of emulating Stanley Matthews by playing on into his 50s. Sir Stanley was a teetotal vegetarian and reckoned that was the key to his longevity. Tony, on the other hand, loves his steak and kidney pies washed down with copious amounts of ale. Not so much Sir Stan as Desperate Dan. It remains unclear whether Tony’s legendary warm-up routine for next season will include lifting a cow with one hand.

 

 

 

A post-game Andy Thompson realises he's left his shower gel at home

ANDY THOMPSON

Position: Midfield

Appearances: 4

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Andy arrived in the team during the latter stages of the Kickers season to great effect. Reminiscent of Eric Cantona joining Leeds Utd in the last 2 months of the 91-92 season when he rubber-stamped their title win, Andy put together a string of promising performances that inspired the Kickers to play some of their best football of the season. If he follows a similar Cantona-esque path, Andy can look forward to an incident packed career of kung-fu kicks, Gallic shrugs, turned-up collars and cameo acting roles. Well…if the seagulls will follow the trawler….

Jay Z: "Yeah , I'm like a really big fan of Arsenal United"

NIGEL CASS

Position: Midfield

Appearances: 6

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Another old-timer who succumbed to the ravages of decrepity and missed the latter part of the season with a calf injury. Shame really as Nigel had been showing some decent form up to that point. When considering the impact Nigel had this season though, one thing cannot be ignored – his capacity for talking his way though a game. Hell this man can chat! “Nigel wants it” became not just a catchphrase but his own personal battle cry. Rapper Jay Z has nothing on Nige C – well apart from millions in the bank and being married to Beyoncé of course! Yes, but can he bend a ball from 30 yards like our Nigel?

Apparently Jay Z is interested in investing in Arsenal (following on from P Diddy’s flirtation with Crystal Palace). The Kickers of course already enjoy the patronage of a generous benefactor in the form of Dr Richard Heseltine (or Richie H Fierce Bling a.k.a.Sir Swoop as he is known to the lads).

We looked up Rob Dent in the Kickers Yearbook and found this where his photo should be

ROB DENT

Position: Midfield

Appearances: 1

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: Rob who? You know… Rob Dent – tough tackling midfielder, promising debut in the first game of the season, the future of the Kickers….no never heard of him. Neither did the Kickers after that first game. File under “Where Are They Now?” along with Simon Lamb, Big John Higham, wedge haircuts and Sigue Sigue Sputnik.

 

 

 

Nick Hancock fails to avoid the inevitable Iceland advert despite setting up home on a deserted beach

PAUL ANDREWS

Position: Forward

Appearances: 5

Goals: 4

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: The season’s “what if” story. What if Paul had stayed fit? Who knows what the Kickers could have gone on to achieve? Paul scored 4 goals in as many games in the first half of the season but missed the entire second half through a persistent injury. Football is littered with “what if” stories when history rattles the points and the future plots a course in one direction when it could so easily have turned a different corner. What if the Russian lineman hadn’t awarded that goal in 1966? No World Cup victory possibly which means no “They think its all over” line from Kenneth Wolstenholme and no career hosting satirical sport-based panel games for Nick Hancock. He’d have probably ended up doing supermarket commercials – oh he did that anyway doesn’t he? Funny how some things are inevitable isn’t it? Get fit soon Paul.

 

The bloke in the middle is the current Spectacle Wearer of the Year - bet he's never bagged a hat-trick though

ROBERT SHERRATT

Position: Forward

Appearances: 9

Goals: 5

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 3

Comment: What an unbelievable Season for Robert. He cleaned up at the AS Kickers Awards Ceremony bagging the following four trophies: Golden Boot, Players’ Player of the Year, Manager’s Player of the Year and the Sports Writer’s Player of the Year.In fact the only thing he didn’t win (apart from Bayliss’ Most Improved Player gong) was the Spectacle Wearer of the Year trophy (yes there is such an award!) and even then he was a close second.

The secret of his success? GOALS! And plenty of ’em! This season Robert scored on the pitch as regularly as love rat Ashley Cole scored off it …and our Robert didn’t feel the need to text photos of himself doing it (scoring goals that is) to his mates either. Who cares whether Wayne Rooney will be fully fit for the World Cup this summer? All England fans should be praying that Sherratt stays injury free. Robert, your country needs you!!

Carl dreams of bagging a hat-trick for the Kickers - dream on Carl

CARL BARROW

Position: Forward

Appearances: 10

Goals: 1

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comments: Last season Carl was restricted to just 2 appearances. Carl says he was injured but rumour has it he had a very bad haircut and went into hiding until it had grown out. This year, poster boy Carl demonstrated an enthusiasm that took many by surprise. He hardly missed a game, turned up for every training session and even supported the lads in a cloudburst when out injured. Deed Poll are expecting an application any day instructing them to change Carl’s name to Mr A.S.Kicker. Carl is also the only player in the squad who insists on taking his kit home to wash himself (Gary Moore washes everyone else’s as kit manager). We think he likes to wear it in bed (now that conjures up an image hey ladies!). Anyway, Carl’s performance on the pitch, contrary to all expectations, wasn’t too bad actually.

"I'm telling you maaan... it was a definite penalty" - George at the post-match press conference

GEORGE SLATER

Position: Not on pitch long enough to ascertain

Appearances: 1 (minute)

Goals: 0

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comment: The curious case of George Slater and the one minute appearance. It went unreported at the time – mainly because it was over in the blink of an eye – but George fashioned a bizarre appearance for the Kickers early in the season. Despite claiming to only be there to shout encouragement from the sidelines, Georgie Boy couldn’t resist the pull of the pitch and sauntered into the action in the second half. 60 seconds and one dive later, George was back on the sidelines, protesting that he should have had a penalty and that his back had gone. As unlikely cameos go, its up there with Keith Richards playing Johnny Depp’s Dad in Pirates of the Caribbean. According to movie legend, Richards had snorted a shed load of cocaine the morning he shot his scenes and, as a result, had no idea he was filming a movie. Similarly George seemed to have no idea he had been involved (albeit briefly) in a game of football afterwards although we are pretty sure there were no Class A drugs involved. George was never seen again in the Kickers ranks. (S)Laters George!

An under fire England manager Graham Taylor and his less than able lieutenant Phil "Yes Boss" Neal

GARY MOORE

Position: Player/Manager

Appearances: 10

Goals: 1

Kicker Factor:

Man of the Match Awards: 0

Comments: An exacting season for the gaffer – the dual responsibility of the player/manager role finally taking its toll in the win against HUBS with Gary losing the plot big time. His goal return of one was desperately disappointing compared to last season’s haul of six – a contributing factor being his tendency to start himself on the bench as manager before coming on in the second half as player.

Gary is not alone in his failure in the player/manager role. Certainly there are very few examples of successful player/managers down the years. Dickiebliss can only think of Kenny Dalglish (1986 double winner), Gianluca Vialli (3 trophies in 3 seasons 1998-2000) and…..that’s where the trail goes cold. It seems to be a case of that perennial question of whether men can multi-task or not? Maybe Gary needs a lieutenant or to delegate more? Whatever he decides, the Gaffer is already planning for next season with a cunning ruse to play himself as goalkeeper – what was that before about goalkeepers being mental?

Click below to see an example of men multi-tasking at the highest level

THE MATCHES

 

The lads were very keen to drown their sorrows in the communal bath after this result

 

AS Kickers 1-4 Estates

Friday 23 October 2009

Kick off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one where everyone wanted to play”

First game of the season, first defeat of the season. The game will be remembered for Estates employing a controversial rush-goalkeeper policy and for the fact that the Kickers had 11 players turn up for a 6-a-side game. Talk about using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut. Unfortunately it was more like too many cooks spoil the broth as the Kickers made a right dog’s dinner of this one.

Goalscorer: Carl Barrow

Man of the Match: Opposition Goalkeeper


Apparently the Post Office have no plans to produce a first day cover commemorating Kickers 1-3 Union All Stars

AS Kickers 1 – 3 Union All Stars

Friday 30th October 2009

Kick Off: 12.40 pm

Match Report:

“The one with the game that (nearly) never was”

With the squad decimated by injuries and absences, The Kickers struggled to put out a team at all. In the end, the game could only go ahead with the Kickers supplemented by a player lent to them by the opposition and a once only appearance by Gary Thompson’s teenage daughter. Yes. that’s right the Kickers displayed their inner diversity by having a girl play for them! With your trusty blogger Dickiebliss not available for this one (he was going through his lackadaisical Berbatov phase), there was no match report and so very few details are known about this mythical game. A bit like USA beating England 1-0 in 1950 or Arbroath 36-0 Bon Accord. The record books show they took place but nobody really knows much about them. One myth emanating from the latter game is that Arbroath goalkeeper Jim Milne Sr did not touch the ball in the entire game and spent some of the match sheltering from the rain under a spectator’s umbrella. Rumour has it that stand in Kickers goalkeeper Gary Thompson had a slightly busier time of it.

Goalscorer: Paul Andrews

Man of the Match: No idea

 

George's performance was commemorated by the erection of this statue on the exact spot on the pitch where he fell over

AS Kickers 0-3 Law School

Friday 6th November 2009

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one with George Slater in it”

2nd May 1953:
FA Cup Final day
Wembley Stadium
Final score: Blackpool 4-3 Bolton

The game that would forever be known as the “The Matthews Final” after the performance by Blackpool winger Stanley Matthews who inspired his team to come from 3–1 down and on a personal note, claimed the trophy that had eluded him in two previous finals.

Fast forward 56 years…..

6th November 2009
Lunchtime
Far 3G pitch (the one in the corner)
Final score: AS Kickers 0-3 Law School

The game that will forever be known as “The Slater Spectacle” after Kickers substitute George Slater single handedly entered and then exited the pitch all within the space of 60 seconds, inspiring his team to blink in disbelief at the bizarre curiosity that was his Kickers career. Will we still be talking about George’s performance in another 56 years? No we won’t.

Goalscorer: No chance

Man of the Match: George Slater

 

Derek Acorah...or is it an ageing Ian Rush? Spooky!

 

AS Kickers 0-6 SHES

Friday 13th November 2009

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one where supernatural forces caused a Kickers catastrophe”

Match 4 was played on Friday the 13th and was littered with spooky events including moving goalposts, unnervingly accurate finishing from the opposition and a bizarre incident where the ball defied the laws of physics by changing direction mid-air to prevent a certain Kickers goal. And yet to blame the supernatural for this defeat is as convincing as Derek Acorah’s passport listing his occupation as a Psychic Medium. The lads performed like phantoms, disembodied and a pale vision of a football team. In the end they just gave up the ghost.

Goalscorer: Uh uh

Man of the Match: Cleveland (opposition captain)

 

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough" - Alan Hewett leads the taunting of the towering god-like Coastal Studies captain

AS Kickers 3-0 IECS/HIFI

Friday 20th November 2009

Kick Off: 12.00 pm

 

Match Report:

“The one where the Kickers beat the league leaders”

Without question the performance of the season as the Kickers whipping boys somehow toppled the unfeasibly tall and god-like league leaders. Alan Hewett played the game of his life in defence, standing firm when all about him were wilting and then popping up at the other end to slam dunk the goal that sealed victory. Manager Moore worked some brilliant reverse psychology on his squad by telling them pre-kick off that they couldn’t possibly win and to keep the score down to ten – in fact his actual words were “You’re s**t and you know you are”. One to tell the grandchildren about.

Goalscorers: Robert Sherratt, Paul Andrews, Alan Hewett

Man of the Match: Alan Hewett

 

This man was so lost in the dressing room he needed to be permanently attached to a team-mate by a rope

AS Kickers 1-4 HUBS

Friday 27th November 2009

Kick Off: 12.40 pm

Match Report:

“The one where Gary Moore lost the dressing room”

A dreary and dreadful performance by the Kickers who were comprehensively outplayed by the opposition. Again a massive squad turned up for the Kickers (11 in all) showing how many people want to play for the grand old team. Inevitably some players were overlooked with the likes of Carl Barrow and Gary Thompson hardly getting any playing time. Gary in particular suffered the ultimate insult of being a substituted substitute when he was hauled off just 3 minutes after coming on as a second half replacement.

It was at this point in the season that the rumour began that Manager Moore had “lost the dressing room” with players unhappy with the squad rotation policy and the results not being up to standard. There has been a lot of dressing rooms being lost recently. At various points in the season the following managers have been accused of it: Rafa Benitez, Martin O’Neill, Phil Brown and Iain Dowie, Gary Megson and most recently Brian Laws – even John Terry was accused of it in the wake of his sex scandal and he’s not even a manager! What a curious phenomenon it is to lose a dressing room – presumably all these people knew where it was the previous day – indeed Rafa Benitez has been at Anfield for 6 years so surely he didn’t need a map to find it? Maybe he needs to go on one of those stadium tours to refresh his memory – or maybe he really is just a fat Spanish waiter after all and has finally been found out?

Anyway, Moore knew the knives were out and a much needed improved performance was needed in the next game…..

Goalscorer: Paul Andrews

Man of the Match: Robert Sherratt

 

Bayliss celebrates the Kickers win with Cleveland and co declaring "It's not fair!"


AS Kickers 1-0 SHES

Friday 4th December 2009

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

” The one where Bayliss put Cleveland in his pocket”

A second win for the Kickers against much fancied opposition. An heroic defensive performance was the key with Bayliss giving his best performance of the season in neutralizing the dangerous opposition star striker Cleveland to the point that the SHES player felt totally emasculated at the final whistle – the big girl’s blouse! Bayliss was more ubiquitous than the ‘”Go Compare” advert and probably just as annoying for poor Cleveland.

The Kickers had responded to last week’s awful defeat in the best possible way – there’s “bouncebackability” for you as Ian “The Relegation King” Dowie would say…

Click below to see the Hull City manager temporary Football Management Consultant in action as a player…

Goalscorer: Paul Andrews

Man of the Match: Richard Bayliss

 

Ahh...diddums...The moment Carl Barrow realises a little bit of rain can never wash away his tears

AS Kickers 2-3 Union All Stars

Friday 15th January 2010

Kick Off: 13.20 pm

Match Report:

“The one where foul play won the day”

This one is primarily remembered for the dirty tactics employed by the All Stars who literally kicked their way to victory in a bad -tempered encounter. Late challenges and off the ball pushing and shoving were the order of the day as the All Stars, led by their captain AOB (it was the “legend” on the back of his shirt …no…. nobody else could work it out either!), proved cheats do prosper sometimes. But the moral victors were the Kickers who displayed true sportsmanship and thoroughbred gentlemanly conduct throughout despite extreme provocation – well except for Carl Barrow who sulked like a big baby from start to finish after being made to play in the rain without his all weather waterproof.

Goalscorers: Gary Moore, Robert Sherratt

Man of the Match: Robert Sherratt

 

"When you get to the end of the catwalk, stop, strike a pose and look alluring" The classic 70s football combination: a crap kit and a ginger afro! Quite extraordinary!

AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

Friday 22nd January 2010

Kick Off: 12.30 pm

Match Report:

“The One where the Kickers wore their brand new strip!”

After much anticipation the lads finally strode out to do battle in a proper football kit with matching shirts, shorts and everything (that’ll be socks then – Fashion Ed). Unfortunately the lads clobber was the only thing that matched on the day as the result did not co-ordinate with the performance as the plucky Kickers went down to a lucky long-range fluke of a shot. An unlikely combination of a locked gate, a lost ball and an impatient games teacher meant that the second half was abandoned after a mere 7 minutes!

Goalscorer: (Size) Zero

Man of the Match: Tony Ward

Ashley Cole: Misunderstood or scumbag? You decide

AS Kickers 3-2 HUBS

Friday 19th February 2010

Kick Off: 12.00 pm

Match Report:

“The one where Gary lost his head”

This match was polarized by the performances of two players – one a towering display of footballing prowess and clinical marksmanship, the other a contemptible show of petulance and bad behaviour.

Step forward Robert Sherratt (Hurray!!) and Gary Moore (Boo!!). All round good guy Robert produced a marvellous treble to secure a remarkable comeback by the Kickers who triumphed after being two goals behind. Public enemy No 1 Gary on the other hand produced a disgraceful waist high two-footed lunge against an opponent as retribution for an admittedly bad tackle seconds earlier against himself. A case of the good, the bad and the very ugly (let’s not bring Iain Dowie into it please!)

Growing rumours that Gary has been auditioning for the role of pantomime villain in this year’s Christmas Panto at Hull New Theatre remain unsubstantiated. Pantomime Villain? Now there’s an alternative career for that other favourite national punchbag Ashley Cole!

Goalscorer: Robert Sherratt (3)

Man of the Match: Robert Sherratt

 

This 0-0 draw was so good they put up a sign to commemorate the occasion

AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Friday 26th February 2010

Kick Off: 12.00 pm

Match Report:

The one where it rained a lot”

Dickiebliss’s wife has often pondered the age-old football conundrum – can a goal-less draw be a good game? Mrs Bliss is of the faith that such a game must have been boring as “nothing happened”.

Well lets see if that is true with the case study of Kickers 0-0 Estates. Did anything actually happen? Yes it was the first draw the Kickers have ever been involved in, yes the teams played 7 instead of 6-a-side and yes there was a lot of shouting and posturing (especially from the overtly masculine and ridiculously red-blooded Estates team)….but did anything actually happen? No not really ….it just rained a lot.

Goalscorer: A Washout

Man of the Match: Gary Thompson

AS Kickers 0- 1 Coastal Studies

Friday 5th March 2010

Kick Off: 12.40 pm

Match Report:

The one where a scabby goal was scored”

The final game of the season (Finally! Dickiebliss thanks the gods of football for signaling the end of this marathon blog). Perfect weather conditions and an undefeated run of two games gave cause for optimism but in truth the Kickers turned in a performance as lifeless as Gary Neville’s remaining career in top flight football (seriously Gary – give up!). The winning goal was a fluke but in fairness anything more than a defeat for the boys would have been a travesty.

Click below to witness the art of the flukey goal

And like that (snaps fingers) it was all over…..

Epilogue:

A season that will be talked about for years to come? Probably not. But the Kickers best ever season? Yes..and that’s a fact!

But more importantly than that…fast forward 30 years to a time when the players of 2009/10 have long since thrown away their shin pads* and their waistlines are as big as Cristiano Ronaldo’s ego and the days of playing football are as dead as Ashley Cole’s marriage … maybe, just maybe, the exploits of this season will still promote warm and wistful memories of comradeship, fun and the occasional goal for those that were there…

*This does not apply to Tony Ward – you’ll still be playing in the year 2040 Tony, obviously…

The Kickers season in statistics:

P 12 W3 D1 L8 GF 12 GA 27 Pts 10


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