Dickiebliss’s Blog


The Kickers 2-2 SHES Electric
November 21, 2010, 4:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It has been suggested to Dickiebliss that the blog has become overly long and bloated of late and couldn’t it be trimmed down a bit? Listen, this blogger only reports what actually happened (“Really ?” – Artisitic Licence Ed) so if there’s a lot of incident then the blog will reflect that and this week’s match …well….the term epic doesn’t really cover it. This was a roller-coaster from start to finish – seriously, any adrenalin junkies out there wanting their next high should watch footage of this humdinger and forget all about elevator surfing or cliff jumping or whatever it is you do….you’ll need to sit in a darkened room for a week after this tale.

There were only 2 absences in the squad –  Nigel Cass was still having trouble with his maggots and wasn’t back from last week’s fishing trip whilst Richard Bayliss had failed to recover from his knee injury but turned up to support the lads anyway.However, The Kickers were late out of the dressing room prompting threats from their opponents about points being docked for fixtures not kicking off on time! This SHES team though was filled with new faces since last season and obviously does not understand how the Friday 6-a-side league works  –  ancient law decrees that every game kicks off a minimum 15 mins late due to various traditional rituals that have to be performed before we can even think about starting the match.

For a start there is Tony “Wagner” Ward’s legendary lengthy warm-up routine that Tony starts 5 mins before he goes to bed the previous night to ensure he is ready for kick off the next day. Add to that the practice that every single player MUST kick the ball over the fence at least once and then go and retrieve it and finally there is the hugely popular parlour guessing game of “Who’s playing where gaffer?” to be considered. Starting on time? Laughable really…amateurs.

Click below to watch exercises from the DVD Tony Ward has incorporated into his warm-up routine  – may explain Tony’s wheezing after 2 mins play

Talking of time, Richard Bayliss was given the stopwatch to time the halves and we were finally ready to kick off. Except….where was Wayne Thompson? The Kickers goalie was nowhere to be seen and so manager Gary Moore was called into action as the reserve keeper. With Bayliss out, Andy Thompson was asked to fill in at the back alongside Tony Ward. Up front, Robert Sherratt scotched rumours of his being usurped by BLAKE MACE! and Paul Andrews by re-assuming his strikers duties with the unlucky Big Al Hewett making way and joining John Higham and Carl Barrow on the sub’s bench.

Unable to come up with any more procrastinations, The Kickers, rather aptly, kicked off. With both teams keen to get forward, the action was end-to-end. In the Kickers nets, Gary Moore looked confident and assured whilst Andy Thompson executed a perfect block tackle in his own penalty area to deny a certain goal.

Click below to see Andy’s tackle (no really – straight up!)

As The Kickers broke upfield, the ball was worked out to Sherratt, who, cutting in from the left, squeezed the ball into the corner of the net from a tight angle. Cue pandemonium on the sidelines from The Kickers’ entourage! And what an entourage! With the very late appearance of the Thompson Twins Gary and Wayne, there were now nearly as many of the squad on the sidelines as there were on the pitch! 11 Kickers players had turned up for a 6-a-side game! Unbelievably there were still enough kits to go around (“Exactly how much did this kit cost?!” – University Purchasing Officer)

Half Time: The Kickers 1-0 SHES Electric

With Carl Barrow already on for Sherratt late in the first half,  further changes were made at the interval with John Higham joining the defence along with Big Al Hewett. What followed was very near catastrophic for The Kickers as they quickly found themselves behind for the first time in the game. SHES poured forward from the re-start and were soon level when they pounced on hesitation in the Kickers rearguard and their midfield general rifled in a spectacularly explosive shot into the top corner of the net, introducing itself to the stanchion on the way in. 

The Kickers had been caught with their pants down and were now receiving a right spanking. The SHES goalscorer cracked another one off that struck a post and span away to safety before his team were finally in the lead. A sliced clearance from Higham in defence dropped perfectly for a SHES forward to calmly slot past Moore. 1-2. Gulp!

And then more drama…as Carl Barrow lingered on the ball, he was brought crashing to the floor by a lunging challenge from behind. Carl writhed in agony and a hush fell upon the pitch as the full horror of the situation hit those in attendance. Carl somehow staggered off the pitch and was subbed before slumping back to the floor. As the watching Bayliss desperatley tried to remember the ABC of First Aid and with Carl starting to panic with the pain, suddenly there was another crashing thud on the sidelines. As Bayliss turned to his right, there lay a prone BLAKE MACE! “Twisted knee” groaned Blake. Two injured heart-throbs within seconds of each other (is there a collective term for injured heart-throbs?). Fortunately, sensible grown -up Gaz Thompson administered basic first aid to Carl and Blake wasn’t as badly hurt as first thought (relax ladies) and was eventually to return to the fray.

Click below to see more highlights from the game (includes commentary where Robert Sherratt goes a bit Beach Boys – that bit in Barbara Ann when one of them shouts “Scratch it Carl Scratch it!”)

Meanwhile, back on the pitch The Kickers had pulled their socks (and indeed their trousers) up and were taking the game to SHES Electric. First Sherratt rounded their keeper only to see his finish from an acute angle slip the wrong side of the post. Then Paul Andrews hit a couple of finger-stingers from distance that nearly brought the equaliser. Big Al Hewett had moved up front to replace BLAKE MACE! and it was he who nicked a second goal. After good approach play by Sherratt and Andrews, the ball was worked to Al on the right of the area and he calmly poked the ball into the net for his second goal in as many games. Again – pandemonium erupted from the carnage that was the Kickers bench.

With The Kickers players that were left standing taking the strain, time-keeper Bayliss flet under enormous pressure to call time early to preserve the draw. Honest as the day is long, Bayliss played it straight although he did give the players the nod with the famous Steve McMahon one-minute- to- go gesture. Even then there was time for SHES to launch one last attack and with their forward bearing down on goal, Gary Moore produced a magnificent save with his legs. Finally Bayliss called time and this epic, titanic clash was over.

Click below to see what happened after the original Steve McMahon one-minute-to-go gesture – thankfully this didn’t happen to The Kickers

Full-time: The Kickers 2- 2 SHES Electric

Scorers: Robert Sherratt, Alan Hewett

How they performed:

Gary Moore: Fine performance from the stand-in keeper culminating in the draw- securing save in the last 30 seconds without which this would have been a very different blog. No dodgy keeper here – perhaps the only dodgy thing about Gary was his decision to make Bayliss assistant manager after the game.

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Peter Shilton – Obviously 9/10 Man of the Match

Gary Thompson: Did his best work as a medic on the sidleines attending to Carl Barrow’s injury. It must be that smart new haircut that’s giving Gaz the look of Dr. Kildare (well better him than Doogie Howser)

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Jimi Mistry  –  Mr Nice Guy with a history of playing doctors 7/10

Wayne Thompson: Arrived late to see his goalkeeper jersey being worn with distinction by Gary Moore. Entered the fray as a defender to limited effect later on. Wayne is to defending what Wagner is to singing – please stop…. and get back to being the goalkeeper next week.

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Alesha Dixon – Everyone knows she isn’t a judge – she’s a dancer/failed pop star (delete as appropriate) 6/10

Andy Thompson: No-nonsense Andy seemed a bit puzzled at being asked to play defence this week but it makes sense really – Andy is the best tackler in the squad. Solid performance throughout and put his foot in when it was neededalways handy when playing football (a foot that is).

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Craig Revel Horwood –  doesn’t pull any punches 7/10

Tony Ward: Went a bit Crocodile Dundee early on when he went “walkabout” in the oppostion half but the  second instalment of his performance was much better (unlike Crocodile Dundee 2).

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Anne Widdicombe – game old bird, no idea what she’s doing out there. 7/10

Alan Hewett: Big Al just never gives up and  keeps niggling away at you the whole game – playing against Al must be as annoying as if every time you had a sing in the shower, there was a miniature Louis Walsh on your shoulder saying “you made the song your own”. Fine performance and also maintained his goal-per-game ratio.

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Paul Daniels – His  performance style annoys the hell out of most people but still has that bit of magic 8/10

John Higham: Poor John hardly got a sniff this week as he was only on the field for about 2 mins. Unfairly blamed himself for the 2 goals conceded after the game. Could do with a confidence boost – actually maybe John could do with his own miniature Louis Walsh after all.

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Goldie – blink and you missed him 6/10

Carl Barrow: Poor old Carl – officially now the most injured player in Kickers history. He is the Darren “sicknote” Anderton of the squad. Actually Anderton carried on playing professionally until he was 36. So Carl you should have exactly ….2 years left in you…oh...you’re older than you look.

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Bruno Tonioli – overly flamboyant and prone to exaggeration. 6/10

Paul Andrews: Ran the midfield elegantly and was unlucky not to grab himslef a goal. Is to the Kickers what Ray Wilkins was to Chelsea in the 70’s – their litte bit of class. Obviously that’s not the case these days!

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Felicity Kendall – class is permanent 8/10

BLAKE MACE!: Not as blistering a performance as last week but still put in a decent shift. Caused hearts to flutter with his injury scare in the second half but that’s nothing compared to this piece of devestating news – Blake already has a girlfriend! Sorry ladies! Details of a helpline for those deeply affected by this news will be announced later.

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Tess Daly – Glamorous assistant overshadowed by the main presenter  7/10

Robert Sherratt: The sorcerer returnshow could we have doubted him. Clinically taken goal and another performance full of guile and quality that overshadowed young apprentice BLAKE MACE!

If he was on Strictly Come Dancing he would be: Bruce Forsyth – legendary performer with a quick brain despite his advancing years. “Didn’t he do well?” 8/10


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