An unusual night in the long history of Getupfront in that for possibly the very first time they arrived at the Prosoccer centre for a game with a squad of seven meaning that they could have TWO subs all night! This was of course heavenly news to that pair of old codgers Tony Ward and Richard Bayliss. The bliss of being able to sub themselves after their legs have gone (normally around the 90 seconds mark) cannot be understated.
After a week off due to holidays and the small matter of Jay Robson getting married (congratulations Jay!), the squad was straining at the leash (no easy task for Ward the elder and Boss Bayliss) to get on court. And 7 players? How did that happen you ask? After the return of Mike Lines recently we had the return of another Mike – this time it was a Mike of the scouse variety – the ever genial Mike Ewen. With new signing Blake Mace coming back for more, the regular team of 5 was now a proper squad of 7 – a Blake’s 7 if you will (ahem).
The new Blake’s 7 inspired Getupfront kit would take a bit of getting used to.
And the opposition? Another first as the opposition were for once unknown. For the purposes of this blog and to keep the sci-fi theme going let’s call them the UFOs.
Game 1 Getupfront 4-5 UFOs
There was nothing out of this world about Getupfront at the start of game one however and they were soon 2-0 down until lone space ranger Robson scored a simple tap in to reduce the deficit. After that the lads disappeared into a black hole of their own making as they were soon trailing 1-5 as half time approached. And then a lifeline – the opposition failed to leave a man upfront and Jay Robson rifled in the resulting penalty.
Half-time: Getupfront 2-5 UFOs
What followed in the 2nd half was simply epic as the lads went supersonic with keeper Stu Taylor in particular putting in a stellar performance. Absolute scenes were happening as Taylor repelled everything that came near his goal. Save after save after save were made and meanwhile down the other end Robson and Luke Ward helped themselves to a goal each to bring the score to 4-5.
However, it was not all good news as Blake Mace pulled up after turning awkwardly and had to retire to the sidelines. In a perfect piece of Sci-Fi symmetry, he didn’t wasn’t seen again until the final whistle of the second game whereupon he returned with an ice pack on his leg.
No idea what I’m taking about? Watch this – the legendary finals scenes of the long running BBC sci-fi drama Blake’s 7 – derided for the fact that the titular lead character Blake disappears at the end of series 2 and isn’t seen again for 26 episodes until the end of series 4. Also look out for some dreadful over acting from Paul Darrow as Avon.
Talking of dramatic denouements , in the final act of the game Luke Ward squared the ball for Jay Robson to secure an unlikely draw as he converted an open goal from point blank range. Err… except he only BLOODY MISSED! Incredible! His excuse? The ball bobbled!
Seriously – Jay’s miss rivalled some of these…
Full-time: Getupfront 4-5 UFOs
Game 2 Getupfront 2-4 UFOs
Despite losing game 1, the boys had effectively won the second half 2-0 with Stu taylor keeping a clean sheet – no mean feat in the 5-a-side football universe. Despite now being a squad of 6 with Blake lost in space somewhere, the quality football continued in game 2. Luke Ward scored a stunning long range goal and only an equaliser from the UFOS late in the half spoilt an other clean sheet performance. Nevertheless, Taylor had now only let in 1 goal in 20 minutes of play – talk about going boldly where no man had gone before.
Stu Taylor – the man with the safest hands in the Universe
Half-time: Getupfront 1-1 UFOs
It could’t last of course and the second half brought 2 early soft goals for the UFOs effectively putting the game out of reach and beyond the stars for Getupfront. There was however to be one final trailblazing comet of a goal from the boys that involved every single outfield player (though not Bayliss obviously who was on the sidelines at the time). Mike Ewen picked up a ball from Jay Robson in his own half and passed it wide to Tony Ward who passed the baton onto his son Luke who squared for Ewen to finish with a curling drive into the corner. Super Nova!
Full-time: Getupfront 2-4 UFOs
How they rated:
Stuart Taylor:
Goals: N/A
Rating: 9/10 MOTM
Comment:
What a performance. A masterclass of goalkeeping. Without doubt one of his best performances. Bravo sir!
Richard Bayliss:
Goals: 0
Rating 5/10
Comment:
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to describe just how anonymous this guy is. OK – how about this – it was a ghost poo of a performance. You know, a ghost poo. You know you have passed a stool but there is no evidence in the toilet bowl or on the toilet paper. A ghost poo. Similarly, we know Bayliss was there but there was no evidence at all of him doing anything. A turd of a performance.
Tony Ward:
Goals: 0
Rating : 7/10
Comment: Benefitted from the availability of subs and it helped produce a more than competent performance from our Tone. This week’s highlight – his part in the build up to Mike Ewen’s goal of the night.
Luke Ward:
Goals: 2
Rating : 8/10
Comment:
Would have been MOTM but for Taylor’s supersonic performance. Scored 2 great goals and worked his channel tirelessly. Not sure why he needed a break in the last game though being comfortably the youngest member of the squad by a good 15 years or so.
Jay Robson:
Goals: 3
Rating: 7/10
Comment:
A mixed bag – 3 goals again to cement his place as top scorer but oooh….THAT MISS!
Blake Mace
Goals: 0
Rating 6/10
Comment:
Blake’s night was tragically cut short by injury. He had started full of running – if anything he (along with Luke Ward) was too keen chasing everywhere and therefore sometimes being caught out of position. No doubt would have grown into the game had he remained on the court. Should have done one of Tony’s legendary lengthy warm-up routines before hand.
Mike Ewen
Goals: 1
Rating 7/10
Comment:
A solid game from the ever talkative Mike. Scorer of a stunning goal in the 2nd game. He’s the glue that keeps the rest of the team from coming unstuck.
Sometimes football narrative just writes itself. Take this game for instance. Not only does it feature the usual thrills, spills, goals and ineptitude (yes I’m looking at you Richard Bayliss), but this week it also had that classic story plot of the returning hero. Oh and not forgetting a first look at a potential new one as well.
These are troubled times for Getupfront and especially for player -manager Bayliss who is overseeing an omni-shambles we have not seen the like of since Brexit. However, just like Jeremy Corbyn he is refusing to resign. But in scenes reminiscent of Kevin Keegan rocking up at Newcastle for a 3rd time, there returned to the fold a figure not seen for many a long month.
The last time former manager Mike Lines had played for Getupfront, people were still expecting Leicester City’s title bid to falter.
“Who did you say? Mike Lines? Oh the likeable scouser?”
“No – that’s Mike Ewen. Mike Lines! Linesy!”
“Oh come on people! MIKE LINES!”
“Oh himmmm! But he retired didn’t he?”
“Well yes kind of… but now he’s back!”
Well anyway despite his reappearance causing his former team mates to launch into a chorus of “Who the f*****g Hell are you? Who the f*****g Hell are you?”, Mike “Side” Lines had to be satisfied with starting on the bench whilst Bayliss asserted his leadership by assuming his usual place in defence in the starting line up.
But wait…who was that deceptively fresh faced newbie also lining up in Getupfront red? Why its only Blake Mace!
“Who?”
STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! We’re not gong there again.
Blake Mace (for it is he) was once the rising young star of the University team AS Kickers but who had since lost his way and fell out of love with football. Think David Bentley.
Who was David Bentley? This was David Bentley!
Unlike Bentley, Mace had not retired for good and after some cajoling / unseemly begging by work colleague Bayliss, had agreed to turn out for this grand old team with an emphasis on the old.
Blake Mace in classic new signing pose
Could this injection of new and not so new faces add some zest to the decidedly ragged looking faithful 5 who had been comprehensively beaten over and over recently?
Game 1 Getupfront 3-6 FC Tigers
The new look outfit was proving as successful a formula as the Chris Evans led Top Gear team as FC Tigers sped into a 3-0 lead by half time. Mace was full of running but was taking his time in adjusting to his new team mates. And the prodigal Lines? Cometh the hour …
Half time Getupfront 0-3 FC Tigers
…cometh more of the same. Despite the introduction of the former manager, the scoreboard showed little signs of doing a U-turn as the score rattled along to 0-6. And then the moment arrived, the moment that turned the clock back to happier times, the moment we all thought we would never see again….MIKE LINES SCORED A STUNNER! Picking up a loose ball somewhere near the half way line, Lines advanced, looked up, swung his leg and unleashed a rocket into the far corner. “Get that in the blog!” Lines hollered in triumph. This blogger’s work is done on that score.
Inspired by Lines, the rest of the Getupfronters finally woke up and started playing. Indeed Jay Robson wasn’t having his place as main goalscorer undermined by that upstart Lines and banged in 2 goals of his own to bring some respectability to the final score. Could the tide finally be turning for our heroes?
Full time Getupfront 3-6 FC Tigers
Game 2 Getupfront 6-9 FC Tigers
With the boys seemingly having rediscovered that most precious of footballing commodities – namely GOALS – the 2nd game saw then score more in one match than they had at any time in the last 4 months. But the 2nd game didn’t start out like that and with poor Stuart Taylor in the nets not being given adequate protection by his defence, his goal was breached 4 times before the break. A sole Jay Robson goal was the only reply from Getupfront. Gulp!
Half time Getupfront 1-4 FC Tigers
The 2nd half however was truly bonkers with the boys effectively securing a 5-5 draw . After being as far behind as 1-5, there followed a period of play that rolled back the years to the days when games were actually won! A four goal salvo without reply gave FC Tigers a massive scare as the scoreboard showed 5-5 at one point.
5-5 you say? Here’s another memorable 10 goals thriller from back in the day…
Jay Robson scored a magnificent brace within seconds of each other whilst Mike Lines scored the goal of the night. Some great hold up play by Tony Ward in the corner (no really!) saw the ball worked out to Lines on the edge of the box. A smart one-two with Blake Mace saw Mike finish from an acute angle. Glorious doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Unused to being level and (whisper it) going for a winner, the boys were caught on the break a further four times and those gaps were clinically exploited by FC Tigers. Despite another Lines goal before the end, it was another (albeit noble) defeat.
Full time Getupfront 6-9 FC Tigers
How they rated:
Stuart Taylor:
Goals: N/A
Rating: 7/10
Comment: Solid as ever – will be pleased that he managed to improve the goals against column significantly
Richard Bayliss:
Goals: 0
Rating 6/10
Comment: Nishters, nada, zilch – however you say it, there really was nothing to say again about this anonymous performance.
Tony Ward:
Goals: 0
Rating : 7/10
Comment: Tony’s highlight this week was his assisting role in the goal of the game when he held up the ball for what seemed like 3 days before releasing Mace to play in Lines.
Mike Lines
Goals: 4
Rating: 8/10
Comment: He’s back, back, BACK!! Provided the goal threat to take the weight off Jay Robson’s shoulders as main goalscorer. But will it prove to be a swan song or a second coming? MOTM
Jay Robson:
Goals: 5
Rating: 8/10
Comment: Playing his last game before his nuptials, Jay showed no “cold feet” – indeed his 5 goal haul proved they were “red hot”
Blake Mace
Goals: 0
Rating 7/10
Comment: Energetic debut from the boy Mace. Took a while to get going but promises to be a useful acquisition to the squad especially if he can add goals to his game.
Tony rides into battle
Ward declares war on pork pies
Think you’ve seen it all in this topsy-turvy season? Do you believe nothing can match Leicester City’s tilt at the title for sheer unexpectedness? Or that there has never been a bigger shock than Chelsea’s catastrophic defence of their Premier League crown? Then you are wrong in all of your assumptions for last Sunday an event so seismic in its element of surprise that it literally blew the minds of all who were there to witness it. You may want to be seated before you read the next sentence…..Tony Ward scored a hat-trick….in one game! A proper, bona fide, game-changing hat-trick!
I know…I know….how could this possibly be you are asking yourself. Tony? Tony Ward? The very last word in “really should know better at his age”players? The over-the-hill footballers over -the -hill footballer? Yes…Yes…..and thrice YES! Tony Ward did this..for he is Spartacus and he led you here….
Game 1: Getupfront 1-5 Pearson Park Pork Pies
Game 1 but game 11 in fact for Getupfront under the stewardship of new boss Richard Bayliss. Following the shock resignation of previous manager Mike Lines, it has been a mixed bag under the new regime. The previous 10 games had yielded 1 win, 2 draws on 7 losses. Nothing to write about there (err.. except I am writing about it) and with a bare bones squad of 5 and no subs again this week, hopes of adding to that solitary win looked as likely as …well a Tony Ward hat-trick. But this is season 2015-16 and seemingly anything can happen. Yet it seemed to be the same old same old in game 1 as Getupfront created nothing going forward in the first half and deservedly trailed 0-3 at the break.
The second half at least saw them register on the scoreboard with a smart finish from Luke Ward after a route 1 pass from keeper Stu Taylor bisected the Pork Pies defence. But it wasn’t enough to affect the final result and the game was up as the Pies rattled in 2 more goals to run out easy winners.
Game 2: Getupfront 5 – 4 Pearson Park Pork Pies
The first half of the 2nd game has traditionally been a weak spot for the Getupfronters and the usual collapse looked on again as they were quickly 0-1 down once more. But then a bolt form the blue – a goal form Tony Ward! Sure it was a scuffed finish and Tony was only up front because his legs had given up on him (again) but somehow he forced the ball over the line and the lads were level. With the defence being expertly marshalled by the ever talkative Mike Ewen and with Stu Taylor repelling anything that came near him (including his own team mates on occasion), parity was maintained until the last 40 seconds of the half when 2 goals were shipped . The second was a personal calamity for Ewen who got sacked in his own half quicker than you could say “Steve McClaren” and Taylor for once was unable to prevent the inevitable outcome of a goal in the against column.
And then….cometh the hour cometh the middle-aged man….enter goal hero Tony Ward. After a quick check by Boss Bayliss on the state of Tone’s knees, the decision was taken to keep Ward up front and it turned out to be an inspired decision. Another long punt up front direct from the boot of keeper Taylor allowed Ward in on goal and he finished with unerring aplomb right into the corner. Game on! And then game level as our Tone cut in from the left and arrowed a delicious toe poke passed the opposition goalie. It was a special moment for Ward and a career first hat-trick.
Not to be outdone by his old man, son Luke Ward then conjured up a delightful headed goal, nonchalantly flicking on yet another Taylor “ave it!” pass. The crowd – had there been one – would have been in uproar. This was fantasy football and it got even better when Ewen finished smartly to atone for his previous error with another strike to send Getupfront 5-3 up. 4 goals without reply! There was still time for Tony to remind us what he was really all about when he missed a sitter and a late Pork Pies goal provoked some desperate defending by our brave heroes but nothing was going to deprive them and Ward in particular of their triumph. We may never see its like again.
How they rated
Stuart Taylor (GK)
Ever dependable, Stu bizarrely added assists to his game with 3 in one night. 8/10
If he were a terrace chant he would be:
“We’ve got something you’ve not got,we’ve got something you’ve not got,we’ve got something you’ve not got, we’ve got Stewie Taylor!”
Mike Ewen
Rapidly becoming an very important part of the squad, Scouser Mike was a reassuring presence , always available for a pass, always talking and his goal turned out to be the winner. 8/10
If he were a terrace chant he would be:
“He’s fast, he’s hard, he talks like Steve Gerrard, Mike Ewen Mike Ewen”
Richard Bayliss (Player Manager)
The boss played his usual game of just getting in everyone’s way – the law of averages mean that every now and again this worked as he provided a stout obstacle for the opposition. 7/10
If he were a terrace chant he would be:
“Where were you when you were shit?*
* where he always was and continues to be – right side of the defence looking bewildered
Luke Ward
On any other night we would have been talking about his marvellous header but the evening belonged to his Dad….8/10
If he were a terrace chant he would be:
“He scores when he wants, he scores when he wants, Luke Ward he scores when he wants”
Tony Ward
A legendary night for Tony. Three goals and a story to bore his grand kids with for years to come. “Did I ever tell you about the time I scored a hat trick kids?”….9/10 MOTM
If he were a terrace chant he would be:
“Tony Ward my Lord Tony Ward, oh Lord Tony Ward”
It’s Wednesday night…. it’s 8pm….it must be futsal time!
And indeed it was. After a lengthy delay due to Easter, the Kickers were back on court ready to go head -to -head with Theeb FC who might sound like a character from the 2000 AD comic but are actually a football futsal team.
This week, Dickiebliss broke all his blogging own rules by asking the players to tell him what they considered their personal highlights of their performances were, rather than just making it all up like he normally does. Well then, let’s see who can spot whose version of the truth is written below….
And so it all came down to this…a match between two teams that was as pointless as a shin-kicking contest between two one-legged men with the prize of a pair of Doc Martens for the winner (and as attractive to watch some may say). And yet….
…these guys were operating in the eye of the hurricane and when you’re in it every pass, every lunge, every moment is loaded with meaning and consequence. Yes the Bookworms’ season had been strewn with disappointments and disaster but here was one last opportunity to prove their worth on the only stage that matters – the 3G pitch (the one in the extreme left hand corner that borders Inglemire Road).
In the pre-match build-up the sense of togetherness was palpable – Thompson twin Wayne even offered to share his locker with Bayliss – an indication of how far these guys would go for each other. With belief and purpose the players assembled – buoyed by the knowledge that they had destroyed their opponents 3-0 in their last meeting. Then the news came that the brave Bookworms had dreaded: ” The All stars have drafted in some new players for this one” proclaimed Gary Thompson. For “new players” read “ringers”….a collective gulp was audible from the Bookworms.
But two can play at that game as Gary Moore announced that his mate Paul would be playing for the Bookworms. Paul had not been seen since the 3-1 defeat to IECS/HIFI on 13th March and had been a goalscorer and star player on that day and now he was back! Alas as kick off approached there was no sign of Paul and with the All Stars keen to start the Bookworms (with Simon Lamb gone into hiding for fear of another 4/10 rating) lined up thus:
- Goalkeper: Wayne “Shilton” Thompson
- Right defence: Richard Bayliss
- Left defence: Gary Thompson
- Midfield: “Big” John Higham
- Forward: Gary Moore
- Forward: Robert Sherrat
As for the opposition they looked purposeful and were led by a skipper who bore an uncanny resemblance to Grange Hill’s Trevor Cleaver – a carrot-topped Arsenal supporting bully who developed an alcohol problem in series 12. He wore the legend “Horatio” on his shirt but did he have the “Nelson touch” -the ability to inspire and bring out the best in his men? If inspire means dispute every decision and berate your team-mates with expletives at every juncture then yes this man did have the “Nelson touch” – he was also a Napoleonic bore.
The Union All Stars captain
And so to the action – the Bookworms were looking tight at the back with Wayne Thompson displaying a new found authority and confidence between the posts. Gary Thompson looked his usual solid self and Richard Bayliss at last had found a position on the pitch he felt comfortable in with some timely interceptions and accurate ball distribution. Up front Gary Moore looked lively but “Big” John Higham had taken up a position far too deep which Robert Sherrat was quick to point out.
As a stalemate broke out, Paul Andrews finally arrived and Gary Thompson was the unlucky man to make way with Robert Sherrat dropping deep to fill in at the back. It was clear immediately that Paul was a class act and the Bookworms looked to give him possession at every opportunity. With Paul’s confidence on the ball and his seemingly telepathic appreciation of where Gary Moore would be, the chances started to mount. Moore went close twice and then when a pile-driver was spilt by the keeper “Big” John Higham could only scuff the rebound straight back into his grateful arms. A corner landed at the feet of Bayliss in the box but the ball came at him too quickly (is this scientifically possible? – Physics ed) and the chance was gone.
At the other end the All Stars huffed and puffed but they could not blow down the door which Wayne Thompson was keeping under lock and key masterfully (who needs Chris Awre anyway?). Robert Sherrat then treated the crowd (some bloke and his girlfriend) to a display of twinkle-toed ball control which outfoxed the three All Stars players surrounding him before playing in Gary Moore but yet again the chance was not converted.
Half- time : Bookworms 0 Union All Stars 0
The Bookworms were in good heart as the second half started. The only change saw Bayliss give way to allow Gary Thompson back into the action. The break had done nothing to disrupt the flow of chances with Bookworms laying siege to the All Stars ramparts. Surely a break through was imminent?
Gary Moore was repeatedly thwarted by the opposition goalkeeper who was enjoying the game of his life. With Paul Andrews prompting and probing, the All Stars defence was at breaking point . Chance after chance came, had a look, decided it had something better to do that afternoon and went. The All stars resorted to parking the proverbial bus in front of goal resulting in numerous penalty box scrambles.
The horror as another chance goes begging for Bookworms
This was like England v Poland in 1973 all over again, the game when Brian Clough famously called the Polish keeper a clown but who withstood wave after wave of English attacks to dump us out of the World cup. This game also had a clown – this one though was not Polish but playing for Union All Stars. Yes, Trevor Cleaver was at it again constantly moaning and barking out instructions to anyone who would listen. This was a man so convinced of his own ability he would make Ben from “The Apprentice” look like someone who had failed an audition to play himself in a film of his own life story.
At the other end Thompson twin Wayne was directing his troops with a military precision that would not have looked out of place in the Battle of Trafalgar. When brother Gary’s tendons finally collapsed, Bayliss re-entered the field of play and immediately robbed an advancing All Stars forward and strode majestically upfield. With the opposition backing off, Bayliss played a swift one-two with Andrews and advanced further into opposition territory. It was at this point that Bayliss suddenly remembered who he was (i.e. an ageing Sam Allardyce lookalike and definitely not Nicolas Anelka) and instead of calmly side-footing a shot to the keepers left, panicked hysterically and crashed a shot wide of the post.
Bayliss pictured seconds after missing that chance
With full time approaching and the tension-o-meter cranked up to unbearable, “Big” John Higham produced a piece of individual skill that left all who witnessed it awestruck in admiration. As a chipped pass upfield descended from the sky, “Big” John swiveled his body shape, let the ball drop over his shoulder and produced a thunderous Van Basten-like volley that screamed towards the net. “This one’s in for sure!!” nobody in the crowd shouted aloud in a Roy of the Rovers fashion but the shot curled wide and away taking with it Bookworms’ dreams of glory.
“Big” John Higham goes oh so close!
And so it came to pass that in the final minute of this epic engagement the Bookworms were to succumb to the classic sucker punch. As the seconds ticked away an All Stars forward pounced on a loose ball and from a full 25 yards out produced an outrageously flukey toe-poke that flew into the only part of Wayne Thompson’s net that he could not reach. As the Bookworms sank to their knees the All Stars scorer performed that annoying “come hither” beckoning-hand goal celebration to rub salt in the wound.
There was still time for one last forage upfield from Bookworms but again a sharp drive from Andrews was blocked at the death. Some bloke (and his girlfriend) decided time was up and blew the final whistle (well.. he did that cross armed “its all over” gesture that so annoyed Alex Ferguson recently) and the game was up – Bookworms incredibly, tragically and heartbreakingly had been beaten.
Full time: Bookworms 0 Union All Stars 1
How they performed:
Wayne Thompson – what a performance from the younger Thompson twin! Commanding, assured and crucially the only one who fancied going in goals – a towering display. Unlucky to be beaten late on – did not deserve to be on the losing side. 8/10
Gary Thompson – the very definition of solid – go on look up “solid” in the Collins dictionary and there’s a picture of Gary (actually it says “consisting of matter all through” but we get the idea – ed) 7/10
Richard Bayliss – one of his best performances of the season. Showed great discipline in defence whilst also producing some silky touches of the ball further upfield. Would have to spend 7 years living in Finland, qualify for dual nationality and change his name to Jari Litmanen before he could claim to have a finish in him though.7/10
Paul Andrews – otherwise known as Gary Moore’s mate. If only he had been available for the Bookworms throughout the season. This man does not know when to stop and drove his team forward until the very end. A touch of class. 9/10
“Big” John Higham – found his feet after a shaky start and produced a stunning volley late on that deserved to win any game . Had it gone in he would have hung up his boots there and then John said afterwards – thankfully for Bookworms retirement will have to wait a while yet 7/10
Gary Moore – the master of the mazy dribble. His slaloming runs would have caused any connoisseur of the game to drool and slaver at his skills – his finishing was drivel though. 7/10
Robert Sherrat –Big Bob put a good shift in for the team. Showed excellent tactical nous by dropping to defence when Andrews arrived and also when spotting Higham was doing a Noam Chomsky by being too deep. 7/10
Filed under: football
Any thoughts of a second consecutive win for the Bookworms were quickly exposed as pure folly by this performance which can only be described as a complete and utter shambles. They were not helped by a squad that was depleted by a number of absentees including goalkeeper Chris Awre (again) who’s commitment to the cause must surely now be in doubt with his continued Lord Lucan impression. Robert Sherratt was also a high profile casualty succumbing to a mystery injury late doors.
With Big John Higham also unavailable due to reasons unknown, Pengfei Xue earned a starting place in midfield – rumours that this was to increase shirt sales in Asian territories remain unsubstantiated. Thompson twin Wayne bravely volunteered between the sticks again with brother Gary and Simon Lamb completing the defence. Top scorer Gary Moore and last week’s last gasp hero Richard Bayliss started upfront.
Dark clouds gathered overhead as Bookworms kicked off, a portent of things to come. As they looked upfield to view the opposition, Bookworms must surely have been reminded of a certain Harry Enfield “Kevin the Teenager” sketch – Kevin, having hosted an impromptu house party with his parents out for the night, in response to his Mother’s demand for an explanation as to why the family home lay ransacked on their return, replied tearfully “Big boys came”. The IECS lads looked mythical Roman heroes – tall, youthful and athletic. The crucial and ultimately defining element to their make-up though was this – they knew how to play football… properly.
Within the opening 30 seconds the first goal went in – an effortless and clinical despatch that arose from an error by Lamb who tried to appease the IECS gods by offering them a sacrifice – namely possession of the ball in his own half. A second quickly followed and as the heavens opened so did the Bookworms defence. When a Wayne Thompson clearance was charged down by the marauding IECS forward (Hercules?) it rebounded fortuitously into the net – to be fair to Bookworms at least one of the seven goals was a definite fluke.
The Bookworms mounted a solitary forage into the IECS half thanks to a rambling run by Gary Moore that resulted in a corner. Bayliss trotted over to take it – only he truly knows why he decided against a curling,teasing inswinger into the danger area in favour of punting a toe-poke in the direction of the halfway line that went out for a throw-in.
Half-time came with Bookworms 0-3 down and with a hill the size of Mount Olympus to climb in the second half. With no substitutes available, some radical reshuffling of personnel was required – in practice this amounted to Simon Lamb offering to fall on his sword by going in goals with Thompson twin Wayne deciding now was the time to unveil his Fernando Torres impression to the world by going up front. The ineffectual Bayliss shifted to defence and the new formation took to the field – the IECS gods smiled mockingly at the pitiful mortals in front of them.
What transpired next was of Alamo proportions with wave after wave of IECS attacks overwhelming the Bookworms. In one ludicrously one-sided episode, IECS forced 6 consecutive corners before a fourth goal was inevitably scored – a towering header from a Talos-like giant.
As the goal count clicked on Bookworms seemed unable to keep possession of the ball at all resorting to hoofing it anywhere as soon as it came near. One such upfield punt from Bayliss miraculously intersected the IECS deities to land at the feet of Thompson twin Wayne. Unfortunately Wayne showed as much composure in front of goal as Didier Drogba being interviewed on live TV by the Norwegian Tourist Board to comment on their greatest indigenous national products (A-ha…that’s about it – Ed).
And still the goals flowed…a fifth and sixth in quick succession with Bookworms offering as much defence as Jason the Argonaut trying to repel the many headed Hydra with a carrot. An unforced error from the increasingly dejected looking Bayliss led to the seventh and final goal before timekeeper Zeus finally tired of witnessing the Bookworms being played with by the IECS gods and blew for full-time.
Final score: IECS 7 Bookworms 0h!
How they underperformed:
Wayne Thompson: The first half goalkeeper could not be blamed for any of the 3 goals he let in but as a striker after the break was less like Fernando Torres and more like a jigsaw – he went to pieces in the box. 5/10
Gary Thompson: Doggedly stuck to the “if in doubt kick it out” principle throughout but was completely swamped in the end. His after match quote that the best thing about the afternoon had been the rain said it all really. 5/10
Simon Lamb: After making an error in the opening minute, Simon decided early doors that this was not going to be any fun. Sought sanctuary by going in goals in the second half – an odd decision akin to Norwegian referee Tom Henning Ovrebo laying low from the Chelsea v Barcelona fall out by hiding out in Michael Ballack’s living room. 4/10
Pengfei Xue: Bookworms own Ji-Sung Park was more like Pearson Park – named after mayor Zachariah Charles Pearson who , financially ruined, resigned as mayor and spent the last 29 years of his life in obscurity. Pengfei similarly had that look of resignation about him and went missing as the game wore on. 4/10
Gary Moore: Probably Bookworms’ best player on the day – he at least seemed to recognize that the thing at his feet was indeed a football and that the game is best played by keeping possession of it rather than sending it into orbit at the earliest opportunity. 6/10
Richard Bayliss: A couple of encouraging touches of the ball early on quickly gave way to some wayward passing (including that disastrous corner). Escaped being sent off late on when he handled in the area in an act of self defence to stop an IECS hot-shot hitting him in the face. One late desperate lunge to thwart yet another opposition attack led to a nasty kick on the ankle -it swelled up really bad on Friday night – honest! 4/10
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