Dickiebliss’s Blog

Kickers 10 – 2 Theeb FC ( Wed night futsal league)
April 15, 2013, 8:07 pm
Filed under: football, Uncategorized

It’s Wednesday night…. it’s 8pm….it must be futsal time!

And indeed it was. After a lengthy delay due to Easter, the Kickers were back on court ready to go head -to -head with Theeb FC who might sound like a character from the 2000 AD comic but are actually a football futsal team.

This week, Dickiebliss broke all his blogging own rules by asking the players to tell him what they considered their personal highlights of their performances were, rather than just making it all up like he normally does. Well then, let’s see who can spot whose version of the truth is written below….

After a bloated team of 8 players was deployed in rotation last time out, the squad was trimmed to a more workable 6 by boss man Gary Moore whose best laid plans were flattened by Robert Sherratt turning up late doors. A pool of 7 players meant that a round robin policy of substitutes was hastily agreed.

Last time out, the Kickers were one up in 10 seconds so it  takes an absolute age for them to net first in this game … a whole 60 seconds if you will before Rich Kirk rifles in a stinging drive. A lethargic start by their own recent stellar standards. But another goal is just around the corner as Azza Barwick arrows one in from a tight angle. The Kickers are starting to move through the gears with some quick pass and move triangles but they suddenly stall when a Theeb forward produces a tip-top toe punt into Gary Moore’s right hand corner. No-one saw that coming least of all Gary and its suddenly game on…

…or not as twinkle toed Andy Hoole dances through the Theeb back line to slot home for 3-1. And then its time for the first of those substitutions when Mike ” Miss” Ewen and Richard Bayliss enter the fray. You may remember that despite being on a winning team that scored 18 (that’s eighteen) goals in the last match, Mike failed to score even one. Mike certainly remembers although he would like us all to forget. Still the subs certainly make an impact as Rich Kirk scores within 5 seconds of their arrival…well it must have been their reassuring presence at the back that gave him the confidence to go forward.

Bayliss’s first action is to go through the back of a Theeb player therefore drawing a foul …he has yet to to even touched the ball. All the same he gets a pat on the back from Ewen who obviously approved. His next act though definitely doesn’t get Mike’s blessing as the pressure of not scoring again is suddenly ratcheted up a notch as his fellow sub follows up a Sherratt blocked shot to prod home for a second goal in consecutive games. The shame of being outscored  by Rich Bayliss has a decisive effect on our Mike though who manages to stumble one in from 3 inches following good approach work by Barwick. He really couldn’t miss (or could he?) yet you would think he had scored the goal of the century judging by his overblown celebration. Think Mick Channon’s windmill arm action meets girly baton twirling and you get the picture.


For the last 5 minutes, Gary Moore in the Kickers goal has hardly touched the ball but suddenly the games’s forgotten man is centre stage when he takes a shot from a Theebs player right in the mush. As he drops to the floor, the game remarkably goes on and a weak clearance by Bayliss is hammered back into the Kickers net by Theebs with Moore still poleaxed. Unbelievably, the ref lets the goal stand…and then asks Gary if he is OK! Despite having a face redder than Fergie after a night on the grog, Moore insists he is able to carry on. Have you ever seen such bravery!

Half time: The Kickers 6 – 2 Theeb FC

The second half saw the Kickers revert to their original starting line up and it was this formation that almost led to an incredible goal. Some breathtaking interplay between Kirk, Barwick and Hoole saw the Theeb defence overwhelmed and when the ball finally returned to Kirk  he somehow managed to scoop his shot over the bar with the goal gaping. Only Wigan reaching the cup final was a bigger shock than Theeb not going 7-2 down.

Kirk’s spirit of generosity spread to his fellow team mates when Robert Sherratt needlessly committed a sliding tackle in his own box (ooh err missus) and conceded a penalty. Fortunately for Robert, Gary Moore spared his blushes with a wonderful full length save to his right to touch the penalty kick onto the post and ultimately away to safety.

The relentless Kickers domination continued  and Theeb conceded a further four goals before full time meaning that the Kickers had once gain managed to score double figures in every game of the competition so far. As the goals flew in, substitute Ewen felt  left of the action on the sidelines and so fashioned his own personal piece of glory by volleying a loose ball that had gone out of play straight back into the Theeb net. Lovely (if pointless) stuff.

Full time: The Kickers 10 – 2 Theeb FC


  • Kirk (4)
  • Hoole (3)
  • Ewen
  • Barwick
  • Bayliss

How they performed:

Rich Kirk:

The best way to win the league? Pinch your rivals best player for your own team! Well, it worked for Man U who lured away Arsenal’s most valuable player – Robin Van Persie – with the promises of titles and medals. Similarly, the Kickers somehow managed to steal away Sports Science’s MVP – but for RVP read RCK  – Rich “Captain” Kirk. This unbelievably talented individual played for Carlisle Utd’s youth team in his …err..youth. Yes –  a bona fide professional football club. That’s how good he is. By comparison, t’other Rich (Bayliss)’s football zenith was playing for his school’s 3rd team…once. Mind he did score a goal and nobody can ever take that away from him. 8/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

Captain KirkCaptain Kirk…obviously.


Mike Ewen:

As ever with Mike, he talked a good game meaning that his best work came from the sidelines when he was a sub, cajoling his teammates onto ever more daring feats of footballing excellence. Once on court, that verbosity never really translated into actions and he remained so much on the periphery of things he was nearly mistaken for Fernando Torres’s Chelsea career at one point. He did score a goal though….and nobody can ever take that away from him. 6/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

UnknownLieutenant Uhura: Never ever got anywhere near the action in any episode…unless you count that time she snogged Captain Kirk. This blogger can report that although there may have been some exuberant back slapping from the Kickers players come full time, there were definitely no tongues.


Robert Sherratt:

When asked for his personal match highlights, Robert replied that there were none and that he had produced a “dour journeyman performance” with the only other noteworthy incident being that slide tackle that resulted in a penalty and also a bruised and grazed knee. On this occasion, he was right. 6/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

Star_Trek_-_Obsession_(screenshot_of_dead_redshirt)A Redshirt: You know…one of those guys dressed in a red tunic that you’d never seen before who’s in  a landing party that has transported down to an unknown planet’s surface who you just knew would be dead before the theme tune had begun. Totally faceless and anonymous yet entirely predictable.


Gary Moore:

An eventful game for Gary what with a game stopping (eventually) injury and a penalty save. Fortunately for Gary these two incidents overshadowed his amazing miss which came after one of his speciality mazy outfield runs where he had a goal laid on a plate for him by a Bayliss return pass which he incredibly spurned as his shot stuck under the opposition keeper’s legs.  7/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

Unknown-3Dr “Bones” McCoy: Gary had to take some of his own medicine when he was smacked in the face with the ball whilst denying a goal bound Theeb shot in the first half. With no medic rushing to his aid, he had to treat himself and after administering a dose of reviving water to his face was ready for action once more. It was a save Jim but not as we know it.


Aaron Barwick:

Azza’s highlights included – and this is straight from the horse’s mouth – Messi like dribbling, Xavi like passing and Vidic like defending. Now whose making things up Aaron? Foe once , it isn’t Dickiebliss.  7/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

Unknown-1Scotty: The USS Enterprise’s engineer who is  permanently annoyed with his fellow crew members and seemed to get on best with the ship’s warp drive . Similarly, Aaron is  permanently annoyed with his team mates and seems to get on best with the the inanimate object that is the football. Great technician though. 7/10


Andy Hoole:

You know what to expect from Andy – goals..and plenty of them. Plundered a trio of strikes this time but bizarrely admitted that his personal highlight was being clotheslined by Rich Bayliss whilst trying to keep a wayward touch in play. If Andy gets off on picking up injuries sustained during futsal,  I’m sure the lads wouldn’t mind forming an orderly queue to give him a kick up the backside every Wed night. 8/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

Unknown-2Checkov: Football intellectual and 80s Chelsea legend Pat Nevin was catching up on some light reading at the back of the team coach whilst travelling to an away game when he was approached by one of the younger members of the Chelsea team. “What you reading Pat?” he enquired. “Chekhov” came Nevin’s reply. “I didn’t knew you were a Trekkie!” exclaimed the youngster. We don’t know if Andy has ever read any Chekhov or indeed any book but he certainly read the script for this game as he bagged his usual hat-trick.


Richard Bayliss:

In the absence of the injured Tony Ward, Richard was the eldest player on court and it showed as he looked ready to keel over from exhaustion at any moment. Managed to catch his breath for long enough to slot home a goal when following up  a Robert Sherratt effort.  6/10

If he were a character from Star Trek he would be:

imagesA Klingon – after this performance he’ll struggle to “cling on” to his place in the team. Ahem.

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