Dickiebliss’s Blog

The last day of the season finally arrived for the Kickers after numerous cancellations, delays and postponements and in keeping with footballing tradition, the weather was glorious. No blizzards, no driving rain and no hailstones as the previous few weeks had brought – instead bright sunshine and a moderate temperature – perfect for playing football. The boys looked smart in their newly washed kit and the mood in the camp was upbeat after a win and a draw in the last 2 games. Manager Gary Moore even had designs on a double hat-trick that would take him past Robert Sherratt as leading goalscorer for the season – now there’s belief in your own ability – otherwise known as self delusion.

As for Sherratt himself, his goalscoring exploits for the season were over having been injured during the week playing in a friendly fixture. Robert admitted that in years gone by he would have played through the pain but with his 40th birthday approaching the era of “being sensible” and “acting like a grown up” was beginning and he opted to sit this was one out…dressed in a nice pair of slacks and some comfy shoes no doubt.

No such age concerns for the returning Tony Ward who at nearly 45 is the nailed on certainty for the oldest player of the year award. Tony had missed the last 2 games with a bad back but now he was …well… back! Tony’s warm-up ritual is legendary consisting of numerous jogs, stretches and bends that work together to bring his body and mind to a physical peak. However, none of the above prepared the squad for Tony’s latest exercise that involved him lying on his back and lifting his legs back over his shoulders as if auditioning for the role of a circus contortionist! Thankfully Tony was able to get out of this unnatural (and frankly disturbing) position without the need for medical aid – nobody fancied having to explain this one to the ambulance crew!

Tony Ward: "See lads...if you do a proper warm-up routine you can look as good as me"

Also back was Carl “heart throb” Barrow who was ignoring his doctor’s advice in order to play. What a guy eh ladies? Courage and looks!

After attempting to avoid playing in the previous two weeks by firstly forgetting his boots and then turning up late enough to miss the first half, right back Rob Hall finally managed to miss the whole game by going completely AWOL. We know Rob is a reluctant hero but his shyness is beginning to cripple the team!

Once again there was support for the Kickers on the touchline in the form of injured squad members Nigel Cass and Robert Sherratt plus George Slater who had not been seen anywhere near the 3G pitch since his short appearance for the Kickers months ago. Its true stats fans, the record books will show that George came on as a second half sub against the Law School on 6th November for nearly a whole 30 seconds before having to go off injured. George’s performance went something like this:

• Run onto the pitch
• Loiter in the penalty area
• Receive a pass
• Fall over
• Claim a penalty (denied)
• Signal for a sub
• Hobble off pitch

Hardly a legendary performance admittedly but then Jürgen Klinsmann built a career on less.

For the anoraks amongst you, the Kickers went with the following starting line-up:

1. Wayne Thompson
2. Richard Bayliss
3. Gary Thompson
4. Andy Thompson
5. Alan Hewett
6. Carl Barrow

Subs: Gary Moore, Tony Ward

A promising start from the Kickers saw Alan Hewett combine neatly with pin-up boy Barrow who sent a sharp drive just wide. However, that was as good as it got for the lads in the first half as they began to sit deeper and deeper, inviting attack after attack from the Coastal Studies side. The defence was stretched to capacity with Thompson having to resort to ever more desperate hoofed clearances. On the opposite flank, Bayliss performed a number of last ditch block tackles to repel goal-bound shots including one effort that was stopped using his formidable backside.

Does my bum look big in this? The Bayliss Backside takes centre stage

As there always is, the opposition included the compulsory loudmouth amongst their ranks, this time in the form of a stoutly built bearded gentleman wearing a Brazil shirt who “effed and jeffed” his way through the entire game. How vulgar!

Ward was brought onto in place of Gary Thompson to add some “experience” to the defence and was soon in the thick of the action, chasing and pressing like a man possessed. Then Moore brought himself on for Barrow and in a rare Kickers attack squeezed an exquisite cross field pass into the path of the on-rushing Andy Thompson. Clear through on goal, Andy lost his composure and couldn’t sort his feet out quickly enough to take the pass in his stride and the ball somehow flicked off his heel and behind him and the chance was gone.

Click below to see how Andy should have dug the ball from under his feet…

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Coastal Studies

With Gary Thompson back on for Bayliss and Barrow swapping with Moore the only changes, the second half began with a familiar pattern emerging. Coastal Studies were starting to get on top and were attacking the Kickers goal with alarming regularity. The big annoying bloke in the Brazil shirt smacked one effort against a post and then…the scabbiest goal you will ever see. A powder-puff cross came in from the right literally on the by-line and trickled towards Wayne Thompson in goals who bent down to easily collect the ball. What happened next defies the laws of physical plausibility. Seemingly from an impossible angle, the ball somehow squirmed under Wayne’s not insubstantial frame and trickled along the goal line, clipping the far post and span into the net! What a shocker!

Click below to see another goal scored from an impossible angle

The Kickers only response seemed to be to loft high balls into the opposition half for Alan “Marathon Man” Hewett to chase and to his credit Al did manage to latch onto one such ball before firing just wide of the post. Bayliss came back on with minutes to go to replace Tony Ward who had run himself into the ground but there was to be no late reprieve for the Kickers. If anything, Coastal Studies looked more likely to grab a second goal than the Kickers were to rustle up an equaliser. The final whistle sounded with Coastal Studies on the attack again – the game and the season was up.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Coastal Studies

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Another game, another gaffe for Wayne. It’s easy to criticize but the Kickers to a man should be shaking Our Wayne warmly by the hand and offering him their eternal thanks. Why? For being the one member of the squad brave enough to stand between the sticks every week, his flaws cruelly exposed more than any other player as he performed the role of chief monitor of balls accumulating in the back of the net superbly. As Robert Sherratt and Nigel Cass remarked on the sidelines, they’d rather not play at all if it meant having to play in goals. He may be daft as a brush for doing so but Wayne, we salute you. 8/10 Man of the Match

Gary Thompson just squeezes into the latest team photo. Is that brother Wayne in the centre with the glasses?

Gary Thompson – Gary was so taken by last week’s review that he had considered having MAD DOG put on the back of his shirt and a picture of a British Bulldog tatooed across his forehead. However this week, Gary was not so much “Well ‘Ard” as “Scooby Doo” – a stupid-looking canine with the brain capacity of John Terry who never learns that the evil ghost or monster’s true identity is always the only person they had met earlier in the episode. In Gary’s case, he never learns not to jump into a tackle thus allowing the opposition striker to easily glide past him…despite Manager Moore telling him every week not to. 6/10

Richard Bayliss – This season, Richard has come to realize that he doesn’t play football. No, what he actually does is get in the way, delay the action, form a physical barrier – in short, he stops other people playing football. He’s a killjoy, a party pooper, he is a spoilsport in its purest form…he spoils sport. But most of all he writes this blog and awards the players their ratings and this week he awards himself 7/10. 7/10

Carl Barrow – Neat and tidy (like his quiff) display from Carl who had the best chance for the Kickers very early on in the first half. That old football maxim of the chance coming too early in the game applied here though, arriving as it did before Carl had got his eye in (not that he wears a false one you understand ladies). Actually Carl’s link up play wasn’t at all bad but he was as likely to score as John Terry is to be named Father of the Year – oh hang on he was wasn’t he….doh! 7/10

Alan Hewett beats Stephen Hunt and his girly curly hair to the finishing line

Alan Hewett – Is he man or machine? The Kickers’ very own 6 million dollar man was still full of running at the end of the game – and he’s in training for a marathon. Actually what sort of player could you get for 6 million dollars these days? 6 million dollars is about 4 million pounds … in the last transfer window Hull City turned down a bid from Wolves for Stephen Hunt for that amount. I’d rather have Al in the City team thanks – and I bet he could have the big girl’s blouse in a fight! 7/10

This is Andy's childhood teddy bear - this inside out theme is quite deep-rooted apparently

Andy Thompson – Andy gave a master class in how to perform the sliding tackle and didn’t deserve to be on the losing side. Involved in a bizarre incident at half-time when it was pointed out that he had his shorts on inside out! Was it another footballing superstition or was it that Andy had literally turned himself inside out when giving two opposition players the runaround in the corner as the first half closed? 7/10

Tony Ward – If there’s one thing in life Tony hates it’s losing at football – he really can’t stand it. Its got so bad that Tony refuses to accept the reality of Hull City’s results anymore (in Tony’s alternate world City are pushing for a European slot). Something else Tony refuses to accept is his encroaching old age and the small matter of a dodgy back. Neither of these things received any countenance as Tony pulled another great performance out of the (colostomy) bag. 7/10

Gary Moore – Saturday 27th March 2004… Chesterfield’s second division battle with Grimsby Town ends 4-4 and is watched by a crowd of 4,444. This footballing peculiarity, sad as it is, is more interesting than anything Gary did on the pitch. Double hat-trick my a**e! 6/10

Dickiebliss was once asked by his line manager the perennial question “What is it about grown men and football?” Indeed….given the conditions this match was played in most of the Kickers squad were asking themselves the same thing. Why would anyone put themselves through this? Just to remind you, the weather on Friday was atrocious and the game itself was played out during a torrential downpour, a cloudburst of biblical proportions.

The game against Estates had already been postponed once and surely it was in doubt again with the relentless rain? A further complication arose with yet more problems on the small 3G pitch meaning the game was shifted to the larger neighbouring pitch. As the lads assembled there was a demonstrative reluctancy to leave the warmth and comfort of the changing rooms and the team chose to do their warm up exercises in there. All except the clearly deranged Gary “Mad Dog” Thompson who was first out, obviously keen to rebuild his reputation after last week’s blog questioned his commitment and manliness by calling him a wuss for missing the game with toothache. Younger brother Wayne felt the pull of sibling loyalty and begrudgingly followed Gary out into the squall muttering under his breath ” It’s sooo unfair….why do I always have to do what he wants to do?” and something about hand-me-down trainers.

Last week’s villain Gary Moore promised to behave himself this time and suddenly the procrastination could go on no longer – it was time to brave the elements and do battle! Veteran right back Bayliss was still unsure and would only depart the changing rooms with an umbrella in hand prompting many a Steve McClaren quip.

Wally with the brolly - Bayliss keeps dry - wuss!

With the squad still suffering with injuries, it was a skeleton team of just 6 that made it to the rain-soaked pitch. Estates on the other hand seemed to have a constant stream of players turning up culminating in a multitude of 9. And these guys were big and burly and chomping at the bit. Collectively, they looked like one big seething mass of testosterone. Among their ranks was the massive goalkeeper who kept coming out of his area to play outfield the last time the two teams met. This guy is the proverbial man-mountain. Suddenly a familiar face appeared – it was Alan Hewett – not so much a mountain more of a hillock size-wise but a Ben Nevis in terms of stamina – things were looking up!

With the arrival of Hewett it was agreed to play 7-a-side and the Kickers lined up thus:

1. Wayne Thompson
2. Gary Thompson
3. Richard Bayliss
4. Alan Hewett
5. Andy Thompson
6. Robert Sherratt
7. Gary Moore

A flurry of excitement when it appeared a crowd was arriving – finally the Kickers had some fans! But no it was actually Tony Ward and Carl Barrow who couldn’t be considered bona fide fans on account of them being (injured) members of the squad – their support was very welcome though and duly noted. Right on kick off last week’s debut boy Rob Hall arrived but too late to make the starting line-up and he had to make do with a place on the bench…and bizarrely there was an actual bench on this pitch with a roof and everything…

The manly men of Estates kicked off and immediately launched a red-blooded attack. There was an audible sharp intake of breath from the Kickers defence as a sea of powerful muscles and pumped up thighs descended on them (“Steady on” watershed ed). The Kickers though had their own hardy, strapping tower of masculinity in the shape of “Mad Dog” Thompson who stood firm and broke up the attack before setting a Kickers breakaway in motion. The ball swept to the other end via Andy Thompson, Gary Moore and then finally to Robert Sherratt who forced the opposition goalkeeper into a smart save.

The rain was now lashing down yet there was some decent football being played in spite of the weather. Although the bulk of the possession was with Estates, the Kickers looked dangerous on the break. Hewett had started in centre of defence but was popping up everywhere, whilst “Mad Dog” Thompson was getting his head in the way of everything. Keeper Wayne Thompson, however, was suffering from a wardrobe malfunction. His specs required constant wiping to clear the rain away from them – in the end he dispensed with them altogether flinging them angrily into the back of the net. The spectating Carl Barrow wisely decided that wasn’t the best place to keep them and effected a nimble rescue act and whisked them away to the safety of the dugout. Some wag from Estates came up with a glorious one-liner – “Should have gone to specsavers mate!” How we all laughed!

Our Wayne - or is it Joe 90?

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Bayliss decided he’d had enough at half-time and made straight for Rob Hall who was standing high and dry in the dugout. “I felt a slight twinge in my calf. You’ll have to go on Rob” Bayliss lied through his teeth and Hall was forced out into the unforgiving monsoon in a straight swap at right back.

Conditions were now officially beyond atrocious and to carry on was pure farce- but nobody was going to do the sensible thing and call it a day. These were men after all and this was football – men don’t cry off from the football because its raining (well unless your name is Bayliss obviously). The pumped up Estates boys were still going hell for leather and beginning to get on top. A ball drifted across the box and landed at the feet of the Estates man-mountain 2 yards out who couldn’t miss – yet inexplicably he did as he got his footwork all wrong and the ball bounced off his heel away from goal!

Another Estates thunderbolt arrowed towards the Kickers net but from nowhere Mad Dog Thompson threw himself in the way and deflected the ball away for a corner. At the other end Hewett waltzed past three defenders and into the box but just overcooked it and was caught by one final tackle and the chance was gone.

With the Kickers hanging on all eyes turned to Gary Moore as official time keeper – how much longer could there be? “That’s it fellas” Moore finally cried and the madness was halted with the Kickers recording their first ever draw and stretching their unbeaten run to two (well you have to start somewhere).

“What is it about grown men and football?”…its the adrenalin, the camaraderie…it’s the thrill of winning that tackle, of making that saving clearance …it’s all of these things and more …but most of all…today…it was all about the rain.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson: Credit must go to Wayne for keeping a clean sheet in such treacherous conditions. Many a goalkeeper has succumbed to the elements down the years but not so our Wayne. Although he admitted after the game that he couldn’t see a thing outside of his area once he’d removed his glasses, he managed to hold firm and was as brave as a lion – Clarence the cross-eyed lion from Daktari obviously. 7/10

Gary Thompson: Talking of animals…here comes Mr Mad Dog himself. Not so much lion-hearted as rabid pit-bull, Gary turned in a frenzied performance of tackles, blocks, clearances and challenges. He literally was like a dog with a bone that wouldn’t give it up. Bitchin! 8/10 Man of the Match

Richard Bayliss: Touched the ball five times in the first (and his only) half before disappearing to the safety of the dugout. The five touches were pretty decent though. 6/10

Alan Hewett: Where was Al meant to be playing? Started off in defence before moving up front via the right wing. Seemed most likely to break the deadlock for the Kickers. Rumours persist that Al will be giving up the footy due to his training regime for his upcoming marathon. Say it ain’t so Al…7/10

Andy Thompson..or is it Wayne Rooney..no too much hair

Andy Thompson: A combative display from Andy who is fast becoming the “action man” of the team. Often heard bellowing the commands “Volunteer needed for a special mission” (cue disappearing act from Bayliss) or “Enemy in range 1000 yards” – watch out for his “eagle eyes” 7/10

Robert Sherratt: Last week’s hat-trick hero couldn’t repeat the feat this week. Never really looked likely to pull the trigger – I think his gunpowder got wet. 6/10

Gary Moore: Chastened by last week’s review, Gary was much more placid but like Samson without his hair, taking away the aggression from his game reduced his impact. Apparently Samson’s heroic feats included slaying an entire army with only a donkey’s jawbone…a donkey you say?…why does that ring a bell? 6/10

Rob Hall: Pressed into action by the lame Bayliss, Rob looked confident in shoring up the right hand flank with some measured passing and tackles. But why didn’t he play from the start? A “reluctant hero” maybe? Wikipedia cites Han Solo from Star Wars as an example of a reluctant hero – a man initially reluctant until he realised there was no one else but him who could succeed. Hmmm…so if Rob is Han Solo, does that make Bayliss C3PO? A cowardly robot with stiff joints. Sounds about right….7/10

Finally… a proper, bona fide, honest to goodness league match against real live opposition. Having had to make do with training sessions galore and an impromptu friendly game played in a blizzard, the Kickers were back on the circuit with a match against a team who had given them a humiliating chasing the last time they met. Back in November HUBS had triumphed 4-1 with a marvellous solo performance by their nippy forward with the …ahem ….low centre of gravity ( “well put” – politically correct ed). Would the tubby git (“groan” – politically correct ed) do the same again this time round?

Before they could worry about the opposition make-up, the Kickers had some team selection problems of their own to deal with. The squad was decimated by injuries and absence. Here’s the full roll call of the unavailable:

• Tony Ward (gone fishing – literally)
• Nigel Cass (on the lash with his mates – allegedly)
• Alan Hewett (in Derby – bizarrely)
• Chris Awre (heavy cold – perennially )
• Gary Thompson (toothache – wussily)
• Paul Andrews (Still AWOL -who he?)

And so it was left to the remaining seven members of the squad to turn up and turn in a performance that would be written about for years to come (well – this weekend at least).

The Magnificent Seven included yet another new boy in Rob Hall who was to replace Gary Thompson at left back – a bit like Wayne Bridge standing in for Ashley Cole in the England team but without the lurid tabloid headlines or Max Clifford. Rob had originally e-mailed in his excuses saying he had forgotten his kit but manager Gary Moore channeled his inner vindictive sports teacher persona (think Brian Glover in “Kes”) and sent him home to go and get his boots! Gary had been overheard in the dressing rooms pre-match complaining of the workload associated with having to be coach, tactician, kit manger, bibs and cones monitor etc …his treatment of Rob showed the pressure was taking its toll. Gary would let off steam in dramatic fashion late in the second half…

Gary Moore rallies the troops - note a crouching and chastened Rob Hall pulling faces in the background

The good news was that the official team strip was back – it having been sent back to the manufacturers after the cuffs bled the first time it was washed! To celebrate, the Kickers were out early for their warm-up …far too early as it turned out! It was the longest warm-up ever witnessed on the 3G pitches lasting a full 30 minutes leaving many of the elder members of the team knackered before a ball had been kicked. As the endless stretching exercises unfolded, Robert Sherratt gave a stern warning to team mate Carl Barrow. Carl had been to the doctors in the week and had been prescribed anti- inflammatories for his knees. “You can get addicted to those you know – you’ll end up found dead on the toilet like fat Elvis”. As it turned out, health problems did await poor Carl who would not make it to the final whistle – happily Carl’s demise was not as tragic as Elvis’s.

Finally HUBS turned up including their nippy star striker and this time he had a strike partner who was equally small in stature. Tom Thumb -like they may have been but they were fast and needed only the slightest half chance to punish any defensive mistakes. They could be in and out of the penalty area in less time than it took Fabio Capello to sack John Terry. So opportunist were they that they came to be known as “Smash” and “Grab”.

Meanwhile, Gary Moore’s team talk again pointed to the fact that something was awry with him as instead of the usual “keep it tight, press the man, talk to each other, no messing about with back-heels” diatribe, Gary simply said “Not bothered today lads – just go out and enjoy yourselves.” Hmm…folly or genius – its a fine line…Moore elected to start on the bench with Carl barrow up front, supported by Robert Sherratt and Andy Thompson in midfield, Bayliss and Hall at the back with Wayne Thompson in goals.

A bright start was soon undermined as the Kickers found themselves trailing 0-2 thanks to some opportunist finishing from “Smash” and “Grab” and some criminal goalkeeping from their own normally reliable custodian of the nets. A dipping HUBS shot was going wide of the left hand post but Wayne Thompson wanted to make sure and dived to divert the ball behind anyway. However, Wayne got his bearings all wrong and succeeded only in keeping the ball in play and palmed it into the path of “Smash” who pounced on the chance and steered it into the empty net. Two minutes later a carbon copy as another HUBS effort was spilled by Thompson into the path of “Grab” who clinically converted the chance.

The Magnificent Seven AS Kickers pull off the perfect offside trap

At 0-2 down a Kickers comeback looked unlikely but what transpired would go down in Kickers folklore and beats the Magnificent Seven triumphing over hordes of Mexican bandits in the “you couldn’t make it up” stakes . A neat interchange of passes saw Carl Barrow advance down the right wing. As he began to run out of pitch, Carl swung a cross over which the arriving Robert Sherratt cooly directed into the net. Game on!

Within minutes the Kickers were level thanks to that man Sherratt again. This time he gathered the ball out on the left and set off towards goal. With Andy Thompson having run the length of the pitch to get up in support and screaming for the ball, Sherratt decided he didn’t need any help and nonchalantly passed the ball under the advancing keeper into the empty net. A wonderful solo strike fit to grace any game.

Then a dramatic incident – a crunching tackle on Carl Barrow saw the Kickers pin-up boy shrieking in pain as he crumpled to the floor. Relax ladies – Carl’s face was uninjured. His ribs however, the same ones that he had injured in training before Xmas, took the full force of the collision and were causing him terrible discomfort. “I shouldn’t have played” Carl bemoaned and pleaded with boss Gary Moore to be taken off – but Moore was still in sadistic sports teacher mode and told Carl he had to stay on until half-time….well… to be fair Carl didn’t have a note from his Mum.

Half-time: AS Kickers 2-2 HUBS

Moore finally relented and replaced Carl for the second half assuming his normal position up front. Straight from the kick off the Kickers put together a stunning display of ball possession with every outfield player joining in a move that drew chants of “Its just like watching Brazil” from the non-existent crowd…and then they lost the ball and HUBS went straight down their end and hit the inside of the post! It was a warning that the Kickers took full heed of.

Click below to see another great display of possession football (this one’s for you Gary Moore!)

The Kickers were sensing glory now and not content with a creditable draw were going for the win. Gary Moore drove through the heart of the HUBS defence but put his effort just wide. Gary wasn’t finished though and popped up on the right wing to slide a pass across the box to the waiting Robert Sherratt. Surely he couldn’t do it again? Yes he could! Robert deftly controlled the ball and shimmied past the goalkeeper before calmly slotting home his hat-trick goal. The action took literally a matter of seconds but it seemed like hours before the ball hit the back of the net. 3-2 to the Kickers – GET IN !!!

The expected HUBS revival never materialised and it was the Kickers who looked more likely to grab another. Bayliss advanced down the right wing and glanced a ball inside the opposition full back to Moore who laid it off to the debut boy Rob Hall who curled an effort just wide of the post. Both defenders joining in one attack – this was the very definition of “Total Football”…apart from the lack of anyone Dutch being on the pitch obviously!

And then….a dark chapter in an otherwise gloriously sunny read. The thought of letting a two goal lead disappear was too much for “Smash” who lunged recklessly into a sliding tackle on Gary Moore. As man and ball were sent sprawling, a hush descended over the 3 G pitch. But for Gary Moore the only thing descending was the red mist. Looking around for his assailant, Moore caught sight of him running freely with the ball and launched himself in an acrobatic two-footed assault, at one point totally horizontal off the ground and connected with “Smash” full on. Yet another hush descended as time stood still, the only audible sound  being that of Bayliss exhaling a big “oooh”. Predictably there followed the time honoured ritual of two grown men squaring up to each other and many a finger being pointed in anger. To his credit, “Smash” asked to be substituted and the situation was diffused. Moore later apologised for his actions to his team-mates who were hardly surprised at what had happened – Gary is a Leeds fan after all.

Click below to see Gary Moore’s Leeds idol in action – what a role model!

It was to be the last talking point as the final whistle brought an end to hostilities and the curtain down on a fine Kickers win.

Full -time: AS Kickers 3-2 HUBS

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson: An otherwise competent performance was marred by his two handling errors that led to both HUBS goals. Wayne has officially given up Monday training sessions to concentrate on his body building sessions at the gym. No doubt he is trying for the ripped physique of England goalkeeper David James. Sadly for Wayne the only resemblance on display was his Calamity James- like goalkeeping gaffs. 6/10

Richard Bayliss: Another decent performance from team blogger Bayliss. Rumours that he was only getting a game because of his match reports have surely been dismissed…unlike Gary Moore. 7/10

Rob Hall: Fine debut from the stand-in left back. His performance was only bettered by hat-trick hero Sherratt. Confident in possession of the ball, Rob showed no fear in the face of the HUBS strike duo. Now get on with those lines Rob ” I must not forget my football kit on Fridays… I must not forget my football kit on Fridays…I must not forget my football kit on Fridays…8/10

Andy Thompson: Andy has quickly established himself in the Kickers team despite only having made two appearances. Andy recently went on holiday to Bulgaria where the only downside was the amount of time had had to wait while queuing for the hotel lifts. With performances like these Andy won’t be behind anybody in the queue for a starting place. 7/10

Carl Barrow: Played a crucial part in the Kickers first goal that set the Kickers on the comeback trail. Carl caused many a female heart to flutter with his dramatic first half injury. As he laid prone on the pitch, a crowd of concerned players gathered round him. Was he OK? Was he dead? Carl emerged from the huddle to exclaim the immortal line “Does my quiff look alright?” 7/10

Robert Sherratt: Move over Paul Andrews, out of his way Roy of the Rovers….here comes the real deal…dear readers I give you the one, the only…MR ROBERT SHERRATT!!! Robert’s three goals represent a fantastic achievement. The only thing missing was the match ball. Robert is in good company. Apparently Geoff Hurst didn’t realise his last World Cup goal had counted until after the match. This meant he had not attempted to get the match ball as a souvenir, which hat-trick scorers traditionally do. Haller scorer of the Germans’ first goal, acquired the ball and was seen holding it as he collected his runner’s up medal. He returned it to England more than 30 years later. If Robert has to wait a similar amount of time for his match ball he will be nearly 70…that means he will be just about approaching his peak in Kickers years! 9/10 Man of the Match

Gary Moore: Acted the school teacher with his treatment of Rob Hall but then disgraced himself with his second half Kung-Fu show. All together now… (adopts stern teacher voice) “You’ve not only let your team-mates, your friends and your family down…you’ve let yourself down” 5/10

It was destined to be a day of firsts – the match was played on a different pitch for the first time, the Kickers unveiled their brand new strip and there was also a debut game for a new member of the squad. Unfortunately, there was nothing new about the result which had an all too familiar look to it.

With the normal 3G pitch out of use due to Health & Safety concerns, the game was to be played on one half of the neighboring full-size pitch. As the local school had this pitch booked for 1.00pm the Kickers game was required to kick-off promptly at 12.30pm – so no time for any of the normal pre-game shenanigans such as ” crossbar challenge” (who can hit the crossbar from long-range), “back-heel flick-trick” (who can perform the most outrageous back-heel) and of course the perennial favourite “Its a knockout” (who can knock goalkeeper Wayne Thompson to the floor with a well-aimed pile-driver to the head).

And yet another first – it was agreed by the two managers that the game would be 7-a-side as opposed to the normal 6-a-side format seeing as both sides had 7 players each and it would be mean to make substitutes freeze on the sidelines. How considerate and what a refreshing attitude from the Kickers’ opponents after last week’s bad form displayed by the Union All Stars! In the end the Kickers had 8 players and so one perishing soul did have to do his impression of a glacier on the touchline – the poor unfortunate Carl Barrow was last to turn up (something to do with hair gel and an unruly quiff) but the first to go numb as his place in the starting line-up went to new boy Andy Thompson.

Hang on – did you say “Thompson”? Not another one surely?! Yes, in what seemed to be an attempt to turn the Kickers into a footballing version of Duran Duran there were now three members in the team all with the same surname!

Quifftastic! Duran Duran contemplate asking Carl Barrow to join the band

Andy had paid his rock ‘n’ roll dues though. By turning up to every training session since well before Xmas, Andy had done the footballing equivalent of a pop hopeful playing every dirty, grimy working men’s club from Sunderland to Hull before hitting the big time and headlining Wembley stadium as a fully fledged rock star. His big moment had arrived and Andy was determined not to let it pass him by.

If Andy was under the impression that the Kickers always looked this slick an outfit, the veterans of the team were trying to come to terms with the air of professionalism their new kit was lending them. Indeed, Alan Hewett had to be forcibly coerced to change out of his normal Spurs top and into the new strip – apparently big Al feared that, similar to Sampson having his hair cut off, he would lose all his power and prowess without a cockerel on his chest. The curse of the superstitious footballer strikes again!

And so to the action…the 7 -a-side agreement meant a new formation that Manager Moore had to explain at length to his charges (“No there’s 7 of us – that’s one more than six so we can play with an extra player at the back this week”) Maths is obviously not the Kickers strong point!

Manager Gary Moore goes back to basics in the face of blank expressions from his team

The Kickers starting line-up in full:

Goalkeeper: Wayne Thompson
Right defence: Richard Bayliss
Left defence: Gary Thompson
Centre defence: Tony Ward
Midfield: Andy Thompson
Midfield: Alan Hewett
Striker: Gary Moore

It was in essence the Christmas tree formation with Tony Ward anchoring the defence in the centre-back position…and it was working! The defence showed great solidity with the Law School having to resort to ever more desperate long range pot shots.

Even when a cross field ball from Gary Thompson was mis-controlled by Bayliss and pounced upon by an opposition forward, the 41 year old defender recovered by showing a turn of pace that belied his advancing years and executed a perfect sprawling sliding tackle to block the shot. As forward and defender laid prone on the floor, Bayliss was first to react to swipe the ball to safety whilst still on the ground. Then something totally unexpected…the Law School forward congratulated Bayliss on his tackle (“ooh n0 missus don’t!” etc). This was sportsmanship of the highest order – there were even unconfirmed reports of a Law School striker politely asking if any of the Kickers minded awfully if he chanced his arm and had a shot at goal!

Meanwhile, Moore took himself off to allow Barrow to defrost with a run-out. Almost immediately and unexpectedly those polite law boys sprang a surprise by taking the lead. Still restricted to long range shooting by the Kickers defence, a Law School striker simply let fly from what appeared to be the halfway line and the ball skidded on the slippery surface through the hands of Wayne Thompson and into the net. The Law school skipper offered to let the Kickers have a penalty to even up the score so ashamed was he of the undignified way in which his team had taken the lead by virtue of the poor weather conditions but Moore declined the offer.

Click below to see the stupidest goalkeeper of all -time (not our Wayne!)

The extra man at the back however was allowing the Kickers defence to get forward like never before. Bayliss entered nose-bleed territory with a saunter upfield that culminated in a strike on goal that cannoned into Barrow damaging his quiff in the process. The ball deflected off a defender and out for a corner to the Kickers. The corner came in and was fumbled by the Law keeper straight to Barrow. Carl was obviously operating on a different time scale to everyone else (maybe as he’d arrived late) and, thinking it was still the pre-match warm-up, indulged in a solo bout of “crossbar challenge” and whacked the ball against the upright. As Carl wheeled away in celebration at his achievement his team-mates groaned collectively. The Law may be an ass but Carl had just proved himself to be a proper donkey!

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

The pressing matter of the pitch being booked by the local school from 1pm meant there could be no half-time team talk so there was just a quick swap of ends and the match restarted. New boy Andy Thompson was seeing a lot of the ball and he deftly played Alan Hewett in on goal but Al got caught between two minds whether to blast or chip his shot and in the end did neither and the chance was gone.

The Kickers were in the ascendancy now and the next chance fell once more to Carl Barrow who was set up for an attempt on goal following good work again by Andy Thompson. Carl steadied himself, took aim and, as the ball whizzed past him, produced a perfect air shot, his foot connecting magnificently with nothing.

Click below to see the Barrow air-shot

With the kickers desperate for a goal and time running out, Tony Ward sacrificed himself to allow the greater goal threat of Moore to re-enter the (ahem…legal) proceedings with Hewett dropping back into defence.

Alas, the Kickers were to be thwarted in bizarre circumstances. As an off target Law School effort missed Wayne Thompson’s left hand post, it ricocheted off the parameter stanchion and into the gated and locked playing field behind. In the absence of a substitute ball or a set of keys, and with the school sports master now glaring angrily at the players, it was decided that enough was enough and the game ended. The second half playing time was a mere 7 minutes! Game abandoned due to locked gate! The result however stood.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Law School

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Marshalled the defence with his usual authority but the memory of the goal he conceded will have kept him awake into the early hours of Saturday morning. Never mind Wayne, you can always blame those cheap goalkeeper gloves that brother Gary bought you for Xmas! 6/10

Gary Thompson – Mr Consistent. Has made his name one of the first on the team-sheet of late with some towering performances. No mean feat with 2 other namesakes in the team. That’s “Thompson” spelt G-A-R-Y! 7/10

Richard Bayliss – Seemed to prefer the wide open flanks of the new pitch and certainly benefited from having Tony Ward beside him in defence. Even attempted to live out his Roy of the Rovers fantasy by appearing in the opposition penalty box as an additional striker on occasion. Not bad for an old fella. 7/10

Tony Ward – And talking of the older generation, here’s the most elderly man on the team. The venerable Mr Ward returned to the fold this week to show us all that you cannot beat a bit of experience at the back. He may be a bit grizzled, he’s certainly grey-haired but Tony proved he’s not yet old hat with an enthusiastic yet measured display of old school defending. (Enough with the “old” references! Age discrimination ed) Man of the Match 8/10

Carl Barrow – Poor old young Carl! Another traumatic week for the Kickers would be pin-up. Never really got into the game after a false start due to a quiff-related incident. He seemed weighed down by the burden of expectation as lone striker until Moore reappeared – or maybe he was just swamped in his new kit. Are you really an XL Carl? 6/10

Alan Hewett – What can you say about big Al? This blogger couldn’t think of anything so I googled him. Guess what? Nothing. Well, I say nothing, there was a reference to an Alan Hewitt – a deceased American actor whose main claim to fame was a small role in 60s sci-fi comedy “My Favorite Martian” about an alien from the planet Mars who comes to earth and lives with a human being under the guise of his uncle Martin. As far as we know our Alan is definitely human although his capacity to run and run and run has led to a rumour of him being “superhuman”. Tireless performance as ever. 7/10

Andy Thompson – Showed no nerves on his debut and saw a lot of the ball from start to finish. Confident in possession and determined of tackle, Andy looks to be a decent signing for the Kickers. If only he would consider changing his name – three Thompsons is enough to confuse anybody. Look at 80s synth-pop trio the Thompson Twins – how confusing were they? (the main confusion was why they were so successful – Music ed) 7/10

Gary Moore – Puzzling game for the gaffer. Took himself off early doors to allow Barrow on and was only seen again in the last 3 minutes of the truncated second half. This new “less is Moore” policy isn’t working Gary. 6/10

With no game since early December due to the weather, the Academic Services squad had kept themselves fit with some indoor training sessions and despite the wind, rain and cold assembled on Friday lunchtime full of New Year resolution. Ah yes, New Year, new beginnings, a fresh start, ringing the changes and all that…and one thing that surely needs changing is the team name. From now on this blog will refer to the lads using the new team name of the “AS Kickers” (© Freda Oliver 2010). Much better…

As ever the squad turned up in healthy numbers but were minus two regulars – Tony Ward was away on a course learning how to collaborate with himself (maybe his left foot will know what the right is doing from now on) and alarmingly top scorer Paul Andrews was also unavailable.

Nevertheless it was still an 8 strong squad and manager Moore unveiled a new tactic of splitting it into “offensive” and “defensive” mini teams. Each mini team would work on their own tactics independently and substitute only within their group. A bit like American Football but without the cheerleaders (FYI: there are still plenty of vacancies for Kickers cheerleaders if any ladies are interested!)

With Chris Awre seemingly now permanently dethroned as the Kickers number 1, this was the lads starting line-up:

1. Goalkeeper: Wayne Thompson
2. Right defence: Richard Bayliss
3. Left defence: Gary Thompson
4. Midfield: Nigel Cass
5. Midfield: Robert Sherratt
6. Striker: Carl Barrow

The cold weather was causing problems even before kick off as Carl Barrow point-blank refused to take off his blue waterproof training top until it was made clear to him that he was starting and would cause a colour clash if he didn’t remove it. “Hey Carl, fancy a game?” shouted Nigel Cass as Carl stomped up and down the touchline moments before kick off with his lower lip stuck out in defiance.

Bizarrely, the weather had not put off a record crowd of 5 people turning up to watch – everyone of them a Union All Stars supporter! Without even the encouragement of Paul Andrews’ girlfriend (so far the only Kickers fan to ever turn up…ever), the lads made a very tentative start. There was very little going forward and every Kickers player seemed to have been struck down with Ray Wilkinsitis – think of a formation-dancing troupe consisting entirely of crabs and you’ve got the general idea.

Ray Wilkins demonstrates a physique that is an all too familiar sight in the AS Kickers' changing room

As the half wore on it became apparent that an element of “niggle” was creeping into the action. Tackles were late, elbows were high and pushes were plentiful – and all of it coming from the Union All Stars! The Kickers of course always play the game in the spirit of the Corinthian Casuals, promoting fair play and sportsmanship – no Kickers player has ever been cautioned let alone sent off (mainly due to the fact that there has never been a ref for any of their games but nevertheless).

Unused to such unsporting tactics, our brave heroes struggled to come to terms with their dirty opponents. Inevitably the AS defence was breached. Some outrageous pushing and shoving at the hands of the All Stars causing Bayliss to shank a clearance from an incoming corner straight to an opposition striker who planted a shot into the back of Thompson’s net.

The main culprit dishing out the All Stars dirt was a a man who bore the legend “AOB” on the back of his shirt. AOB? Was this some ludicrous take on the Elvis Presley acronym TCB? For non Elvis aficionados, TCB stood for Taking Care of Business – Elvis named his band TCB and incorporated it into an emblem which was used in several pieces of jewelry including his famous T.C.B. ring. Its a sinister moto with Mafia connotations that promotes images of organised crime. AOB of course means “Any Other Business?” and promotes images of a softly spoken Chris Awre chairing an Information Management team meeting – it doesn’t carry quite the same tone of menace does it?

As the “niggle-o-meter” ticked over into boiling point, a late challenge on Gary Thompson brought howls of outrage from the AS team. The perpetrator was that man AOB – the Dick Dastardly of the 6-a-side world!

Click below to relive the horror tackle on Gary Thompson (N.B. The Kickers new and yet to be unveiled strip is not pink)

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Union All Stars

The Kickers were in need of an injection of pace upfront and so Gary Moore entered the fray in place of Sherratt whilst Bayliss made way for Hewett in defence. By now the rain was teeming down making the conditions especially difficult for the goalkeepers. Moore was alert to this and, pouncing on a misplaced All Stars pass, unleashed an unstoppable rocket that stung the opposition keeper’s hands causing him to spill it into his net. GOAL! It was a waspish strike from Moore with hardly any back-lift and it also ended his personal season long goal drought. “How about that then?” Moore shouted to Bayliss (the official team statistician) on the touchline. A massive thumbs up was the reply.

Suddenly the Kickers were full of confidence – Cass nonchalantly tried his luck from distance and was unlucky to see his drive rattle the base of the post. Talk about a game of two halves! But just as the match was within their grasp, a mistake in the Kickers defence allowed an All Stars striker to nip into the penalty area to poke a shot past Thompson and into the Kickers’ net.

The injustice of it all became too much for the still sulking Carl Barrow whose ankles had been tapped one time too many. “That’s it – I’ve had enough! I’m refuse to play against this bunch of caddish bounders a moment longer – the rotters!” Carl barked channeling his inner Corinthian spirit once more. “You better have a word with him” Cass remarked to Manager Moore. With a consoling pat of the head, Moore replaced Barrow with Sherratt who was eager to return to the action. At the same time Bayliss replaced Hewett in defence as the game entered the final quarter.

The tears flow as Barrow loses the plot - Papa Cass looks on in responsible adult mode

Sherratt’s impact was immediate as he harried and chased and blocked and tackled. Picking up a loose ball in midfield he advanced to the edge of the area, checked, looked up and let fly. It was a goal from the moment the ball was struck and it arrowed into the far left hand corner. WHAT A SCREAMER! The scores were tied up at 2-2.

Click below to see Sherratt’s Screamer

It was up for grabs now – but even as the Kickers were dreaming of unlikely glory they manged to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. A speeding All Stars forward got in behind Gary Thompson and cut into the penalty area. Bayliss tried in vain to close him down but was unable to prevent the ball across the box. Lurking at the far post was Dick Dastardly (aka AOB) who nudged in front of Sherratt (illegally no doubt) to glance the ball into the net of his shin. 3-2 to the All Stars. Drat, drat and double drat!

Union All Stars forward AOB celebrates his goal with a dastardly twirl of his moustache

Before you could shout “Muttley…DO SOMETHING!!”, the ball was down the other end as the Kickers launched one last desperate attack to salvage the game. Moore forced a corner and beckoned everyone but Wayne Thompson forward. Even Bayliss was allowed to cross the halfway line for the first time in 3 games. As the corner was swung over Bayliss loitered at the back post but was comprehensively out-jumped by his All Stars marker who did though concede another corner. This was it – one last chance. Bayliss stepped up and delivered a decent outswinger across the face of the box that just begged a touch from someone, anyone to divert it goalwards but its trajectory beat everyone and glided harmlessly away to safety. Curses! Foiled again!

Fulltime: AS Kickers 2 – 3 Union All Stars

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – No clean sheet for Wayne this time but he turned in a decent impression of a goalkeeper anyway with some authoritative handling and cross interceptions. Needs to invent a pair of glasses which come with windscreen wipers as standard for the next rainy day game though. 6/10

Gary Thompson – Put in an almighty shift shoring up the defence despite nearly being cut in two by AOB’s horror tackle. Made countless crucial interceptions and clearances – didn’t deserve to be on the losing side. 7/10

Richard Bayliss – Didn’t do much wrong – didn’t do much at all in fact. 6/10

Alan Hewett – Not one of Al’s better games with some loose passes that didn’t find their intended target in evidence. Al didn’t seem to know where he was meant to be playing in the end and became increasingly isolated caught between defence and midfield. Maybe he should have gone on that “Collaborative Working” course with Tony. 6/10

Carl Barrow – Not one to tell the grandchildren about. “Now then kids, has Grandad ever told you the story about the day I sulked through an entire 6-a-side game whilst refusing to take my waterproof off because it was raining” 6/10

Nigel Cass – Growing in confidence with every appearance, “Stroller” Cass shimmied his way through the game with some daring snake-hipped moves. Unlucky not to score with a long-range strike that reeked of sang-froid. Here’s a thought – if Nigel had his own personal army of female fans would they be called Cass-ettes? 7/10

Robert Sherratt – Herculean performance from Big Bob Sherratt capped by that unstoppable missile of a goal that briefly threatened to earn the Kickers a deserved draw. Determined of tackle, sure-footed of pass, brave to the point of stupidity, Robert did not know when to stop – well apart from his usual 5 minute rest at the start of the second half to get his breath back. 8/10 Man of the Match

Gary Moore – He’s back.. back…BACK! Gary rolled back the years to break his season long goal drought with a smashing effort that would surely have won the “goal of the match” award on any other day. Gary was pipped at the post for that particular accolade by Sherratt’s genre defining wonder strike but that shouldn’t detract from a very polished performance up front from the gaffer. 7/10

4th Dec 2009 – a momentous day in the world of football. Finally it was here, all the anticipation, the hyperbole, the excitement had led us to this point…no not the World Cup 2010 draw… the day Academic Services beat Sports Science!

And what a day it was – the rain stayed away and the sun was shining as the ever enthusiastic AS squad assembled. All except 2 of them…Chris Awre had already sent in his sick note on Thursday. Pathetic excuse number 1 – “I can’t play I’m growing my beard”. More surprisingly the other absentee was Robert Sherratt. Pathetic excuse number 2 – he took the day off to go Xmas shopping! With the lack of commitment duly noted, the absence of Awre and Sherratt would mean some re-jigging of the team formation.

Last week’s fall guy Richard Bayliss made his way to the far 3G court (you know the one – the place where the magic happens) in splendid isolation, alone with his thoughts, reliving last week’s shocking performance. His Ipod randomly selected “Substitute” by Clout as the soundtrack to his journey from changing room to pitchside – somewhat apt as last week’s stinker of a game would mean a place on the bench for sure.

Bayliss was not alone though in trying to exorcise some demons. Manager Gary Moore had resorted to changing his boots in an attempt to break his scoring duck. Hey…whatever works for you Gary. His announcement that he was sticking with the same pair of lucky pants he always wears was less welcome.

And yet another no show – Tony Ward was delayed in a meeting that had over-run and was nowhere to be seen (aren’t meetings a waste of time?… especially Friday meetings and especially those which get in the way of the important things in life like 6-a-side football matches!). There was now an official absentee rate that would rival truancy comedy “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (the use of the word comedy is used begrudgingly here – there’s more fun to be had hacking off your own hand with a dull spoon than watching this film).

"No you have to stand in a straight line!" The cast of Ferris Bueller's day off struggle with the offside trap.

The AS starting line-up in full:

1. Goalkeeper – Wayne Thompson (in for the unreliable Awre)
2. Left Defence – Gary Thompson (restored to the side after 2 weeks of inactivity)
3. Right Defence – Richard Bayliss (hang on – that can’t be right!)
4. Midfield – Alan Hewett ( in for the AWOL Tony Ward)
5. Midfield – Paul Andrews (well you don’t bench your best player do you?!)
6. Striker – Carl Barrow (Really?..Carl?.. Striker?)

We did lose to this lot 6-0 last time didn’t we? (Yes you did – stats ed) OK then…this should be fun. Bogey team SHES were once again led by the Arsenal supporting Cleveland (the lad with the giant Afro) and the erstwhile thorn in the backsides of Academic Services. Bayliss was detailed to man-mark Cleveland whilst the idea going forward was to lob a few high balls over the top for Carl Barrow to chase onto. Sounds like a plan….

Wayne Thompson’s vocal organisation of his defence was once again in full effect, directing Bayliss and brother Gary with precision – “Gary, come into the centre two paces… Richard drop back one yard…” -it brought to mind 70s game show The Golden Shot. For those too young to remember (probably just Wayne in the AS squad), the show was presented by Bob Monkhouse and involved a crossbow (“Bernie the Bolt”) attached to a television camera guided by contestants shooting a bolt at an exploding target (“Up, up, up, left a bit, down a bit, left a bit, FIRE!”). Wayne’s precise instructions ensured Bayliss was never more than one foot away from the dangerous Cleveland and the threat to the AS goal was being nullified.

Paul Andrews lines up his goal-bound high precision drive

Further up the pitch, Carl Barrow was using his pace to stretch the SHES defence and raced clean through on goal only to fluff the chance following a poor first touch.The scores weren’t level for long though as Paul Andrews calmly slotted home his 4th goal of the season (and 3rd in consecutive games) with an accurate drive. Bullseye!

Meanwhile, Tony Ward had arrived hot foot from his late running meeting and was soon thrown into the action in place of Hewett. Immediately Tony found himself on the ball and unleashed a wicked dipping pile-driver that stung the hands of the SHES keeper.

Half time: Academic Services 1-0 SHES

The second half saw Hewett replace Gary Thompson on the left of defence and Gary Moore on for Carl Barrow. The AS defence carried on where they had left off with Bayliss attached limpet-like to Cleveland denying him the opportunity to produce anything like the form he had shown in previous encounters.

In attack, Moore made a further change bringing on a clearly injured Cass (well he had a bandage on his knee) to talk the SHES defence into submission and his plan nearly brought immediate dividends. Cass turned his marker into open space but was immediately closed down by the SHES goalkeeper and could only stab his effort wide.

Next a bizarre episode involving Alan Hewett. SHES forced a corner but whilst the AS defence readied themselves for the oncoming inswinger, Big Al suddenly decided he was playing in a completely different game – one which involved him having a ball all to himself! Stealing possession of the ball before SHES could take the corner, Hewett sped off upfield at full pelt, in some sort of trance, intent upon mounting a one man solo mission against the opposition goal. Sanity finally made contact with planet Hewett and the ball was returned to the SHES corner taker whilst Alan seemed blissfully ignorant as to what had just happened.

Click below to see an incident to rival Alan’s mental moment

SHES seemed to lose all direction following the Hewett incident and AS closed the game out. The 6-0 hammering Sports Science handed out last time the two teams met now seemed like it had never happened. Revenge was realised as the final whistle blew – football eh? Its a funny old game!

Full time: Academic Services 1-0 SHES

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Two clean sheets out of two for Wayne. Surely he has now established himself as the No 1 keeper? Chris Awre? Who? Oh… just some bloke with a beard we used to know…8/10

Gary Thompson – Flung into the thick of the action after 2 weeks of truncated appearances, Gary gave a composed performance with some fine passing and positional discipline. Welcome back Gaz! 7/10

Richard Bayliss – A revelation after last week’s nadir. Had Cleveland in his pocket all game, never letting him out of his sight. When Cleveland, turned off the TV at home that night and trudged up stairs to bed, Bayliss was behind him saying “See you in the morning”. 8/10 Man of the Match

Alan Hewett –

“We’ve got something you’ve not got,
we’ve got something you’ve not got,
we’ve got something you’ve not got, we’ve got Alan Hewett” 7/10

Carl Barrow – Given the opportunity to show what he can do from the start this week, “Wheel” displayed some neat footwork and held up the ball well. Couldn’t convert any of the half-chances that came his way but did enough to give Manager Moore something to think about when choosing the striker for the next game. 7/10

Nigel Cass – The word on the street was that Nigel was injured and would take no part in the game. That’s not the Nigel we all know though and sure enough he talked his manager into letting make a 2nd half appearance complete with bandage support. Fluffed his lines though with the only chance that came his way. Can’t fault his commitment though – can you Chris/Robert? 7/10

Tony Ward – Gatecrashed the party late into the first half but was no unwelcome guest as he put in a solid performance anchoring the midfield. 7/10

Paul Andrews – Mr Prolific – Paul is the Ledley King of the team – never trains with the rest of the squad during the week but does the business come matchday. Bagged his customary goal with the usual aplomb. 8/10

Gary Moore – No goals (again) but you can’t knock his tactical nous – pulled off an unlikely masterstroke by playing Carl Barrow up front and by keeping the faith with Bayliss at the back. 7/10

After the euphoria of last week’s stratospheric win, Academic Services fell back to Earth with a Bowiesque crash against a team they had beaten easily in a pre-season friendly. A bewildering result for sure but more importantly a concerning performance for Manger Moore to ponder. His troops just weren’t at it and were beaten by the better team on the day.

It was a full roll call of players again complemented by the return of regular keeper Chris Awre, resplendent with fully formed beard after last week’s hibernation. As kick off approached, the HUBS team appeared complete with an entourage comprising of manager, physio, official time-keeper, a tactics board and statistician. Gulp! This lot looked serious and a vastly different proposition to the bunch of losers AS had faced in that friendly fixture. Even so, Moore had faith in last week’s heroes and went with the same starting line-up save for the return of Awre meaning Bayliss and last week’s star performer Hewett were in defence, Andrews and Sherratt formed the midfield leaving Cass to talk himself silly up front.

Hewett issued some tactical advice to the rest of the defence in the tense moments before kick off – something about tracking runners and forming triangles. The only triangles in evidence in the first 5 minutes were Bermuda-shaped as the previous week’s comfortable possession and crisp passing completely disappeared without a trace.

The HUBS tactics board in full effect

HUBS were playing a high-tempo pressing game giving the AS defence less time on the ball than Michael Owen managed in 4 seasons at Newcastle. It was this tactic that led to an error by Bayliss that saw HUBS go one-nil up. With Awre struggling to find an outlet, Bayliss dropped deep to receive the ball. A sudden cry of “Man On!”reverberated across the pitch (no doubt it was from the lips of Nigel Cass), and Bayliss was panicked into passing back to his goalkeeper. His under-hit pass allowed the onrushing opposition striker to nip in and shoot pass Awre into an unguarded net. Disaster!

However, within 2 minutes AS were level. Yet again it was that man Andrews pouncing on a loose opposition pass to saunter upfield and calmly deposit the ball into the HUBS net. So unflappable and laid back was Andrews in scoring that he made The Magic Roundabout’s Dylan look like a hyperactive 6-year old who’d eaten too many Smarties!

Paul Andrews needs to work on his goal celebration - this is rubbish!

Galvanised by the equaliser, AS put together a mouth-watering 4 man move that ended with Cass slamming a shot against the base of the post. Oooh! Close!

Half-time: Academic Services1-1 HUBS

The second half started horribly for AS as they seemed to suffer a bout of sudden collective amnesia and were playing like a team of strangers meeting for the first time at a speed dating evening. Passes went astray, possession was lost and formations crumbled. A string of corners were conceded in quick succession as AS struggled to get out of their own half.

The inevitable happened….HUBS took the lead and again it was a gift from AS. In fact it could not have been more of a gift if the defence had written a shopping list, caught the bus to town, trawled round the shops, bought, paid and wrapped it, hired a sleigh and then turned up on December the 25th in a red suit and white beard. Hewett played a suicidal pass across his own box and behind a sleeping Bayliss allowing the rotund but agile HUBS striker to stroll through and score. Oh dear! Said barrel-shaped forward was beginning to give Bayliss a torrid time with his speed and ball control. The wretched defender was turned inside out so many times that when he was finally subbed he came off with platted blood vessels.

Click below to see Bayliss being given the runaround

2-1 gave way to 3-1 and the final nail came with a literally last second goal following a cheaply conceded free kick. AS did manage a solitary second half attack that resulted in Moore firing straight at the keeper with the ball hacked off the line before Sherratt could turn in the rebound. The final whistle sounded and much debate ensued as to where it had all gone wrong but the truth was that it was a poor display all round. With a return leg against Sports Science next up, Moore has some big decisions to make and a despondent squad to rally.

Final Score: Academic Services 1-4 HUBS

How they performed:

Chris Awre: Produced his usual trick of managing to avoid any criticism despite shipping 10 goals in his last 2 appearances. Nice guys may finish last but amiable Chris is always one step ahead of the rest by ensuring he is the last person anyone would blame for yet another defeat. 6/10

Richard Bayliss: A couple of no-nonsense clearances early on gave way to being given a second half roasting by the chunky HUBS striker. Humiliated. 5/10

Alan Hewett: Big drop in performance level from last weeks MOTM.Spent most of the 2nd half on ball boy duty on the sidelines as AS resorted to hoofing clearances out of the ground 6/10

Tony Ward: Brought some stability to the defence with some sensible positional play when he replaced the floundering Bayliss. Still hasn’t learned to shoot yet as his wild 2nd half drive proved. On your bike Alan Hewett! 6/10

Wayne Thompson: Ousted from the goalkeeper’s jersey by Awre, Uncle Wayne performed with distinction in defence becoming a human wall as he repelled the HUBS invaders. If Wayne was a superhero he’d be The Thing from the Fantastic Four – “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” 7/10

Nice shorts Wayne!

Gary Thompson: After missing much of last week’s game through injury,Gary continued the theme this week by hardly getting a kick as an underused sub. Less than 5 minutes game time meant Gary was first out of the changing rooms post match with precious little need for a shower. 6/10

Carl Barrow: Acquitted himself adequately without really ever getting into the match. Has fallen foul of the squad rotation policy in recent weeks and could be part of a disgruntled queue forming outside Manager Moore’s office come the January transfer window. 6/10

Paul Andrews: A somewhat pedestrian performance from Paul despite his now customary clinically taken goal. “Stroller” Andrews can certainly walk the walk but he rather trudged his way through the game. 6/10

Nigel Cass: And now a man who knows how to talk the talk….Fast becoming the Emile Heskey of the squad – the non-scoring forward. How long can his manager keep faith with him? No doubt Nigel will be able to talk himself out of any tight spot on the subject of his (lack of) onion bag prowess. 6/10

Gary Moore: Talking of a lack of goals…Gary’s current tally for the season? ZERO (and a big fat one at that). Suffered the curse of being Manager of the Week by promptly masterminding a dreadful team performance. 6/10

Robert Sherratt: One of the few to emerge with any credit. Solid display in the middle of the park with some stout challenges and intelligent distribution. Denied a goal by a dramatic goal line clearance. Pipped Wayne Thompson to MOTM by uttering the magic phrase “WHO WANTS IT?” late doors. 7/10 Man of the Match

Click below to hear Brian Clough’s verdict on Academic Services performance:

A week is a long time in football – last week Thierry Henry was one of the classiest acts ever to have graced the English game with a nice sideline in endorsements and TV ads. This week he’s the cheating smug git responsible for the “Hand of Frog” goal that broke Irish hearts. In a carefully worded statement, Henry claimed that “Of course the fairest solution would be to replay the game but is not in my control”….unlike the ball the other night which his hand had full control of.

Also only last week the Academic Services football team were the intramural league whipping boys, their results divining such depths of awfulness that they made JEdward look like the natural successors to the Beatles. This week they toppled the league leaders with a display that was faultless – prompting their manager Gary Moore to comment post-match that his boys were “Not a foot wrong today, the amount of effort put in was amazing.” Shucks…

After a rigorous training session on Monday complete with cones, shuttle runs and warm-up and down exercises, the AS lads assembled for the early 12.00 pm kick-off (blame the Sky cameras) with a newly discovered purpose and discipline. However the opponents were Coastal Studies, the team of unfeasibly tall god-like figures that inflicted a 7-0 mullering (© Mick McCarthy 2009) upon AS last season. Would history repeat itself or could AS defy the odds (and gods) and get a result?

Robert Sherratt confidently announced that the team could nick a 1-0 win …a bold statement with one hitch…that would involve the notching of an AS goal, something of a rare commodity this season. Indeed when Carl Barrow is your team’s joint top scorer (1 goal stats fans) then you know that you are less likely to find the onion bag than a bag -hating Alliumphobia (look it up) sufferer with an irrational fear of the cricketer Graham Onions.

Graham Onions - insert your own gag!

However, Paul Andrews was back in the starting line-up which had a determined steeliness about it. With Chris Awre having gone into beard growing hibernation, last week’s harshly criticized Wayne Thompson once again showed the nerve to step into the goalkeeping breach. Brother Gary and Richard Bayliss were on defensive duties whilst Andrews and Sherratt supplied the midfield with quality and effort (you can work out who supplied which for yourselves surely?). Suprisingly, Manager Moore went with the talkative Nigel Cass as the lone striker (maybe hoping that making him play in isolation would reduce the chat with no-one to jabber to!).

Kick off…and immediately Andrews attempted an audacious strike on goal from the halfway line – this was new… and it proved to be a marker for the rest of the game. All of the hard work the lads had put into training was paying off – neat short passes that were finding their targets, everyone looking comfortable in possession, no panicked hoofs upfield. And then…a GOAL! A loose pass from Coastal Studies was seized upon by the leggy Robert Sherratt who went helter-skelter towards goal…but could he find a finish? Oh yes he could! A lovely side foot past the keeper into the net and an end to the jokes about the team being renamed Academic Servicesnil.

Back came the Coastal Studies giants and they immediately rattled the post (well it was a little disconcerted to say the least). But with Wayne Thompson barking out instructions to his defenders,the AS goal remained intact. Then… a setback. Gary Thompson turned his ankle when making a meaty clearing challenge and had to go off, his game cruelly over before half time. Carl Barrow sprinted on as his replacement and was immediately involved in a flash-point incident when he clattered into an opponent which left both players on the floor. There was an audible intake of breath as time stood still – would there be an angry reaction from Coastal Studies? As Harry Hill would say “FIGHT!”….but no… Carl simply shrugged and muttered ” Sorry..” and the action continued.

This was a controlled display from AS and, incongruous as it sounds, it was no surprise when they went 2-0 up. A wonderful turn by Paul Andrews from a Cass through ball and he was away down the left flank before slipping the ball under the body of the advancing keeper. 2-0! Two actual goals scored…before half time…this hadn’t happened since playing that team of girls last year! Fortunately half time was signaled before anybody became too giddy with excitement.

Click below to see Paul Andrews’ turn prior to scoring his goal:

Half-time: Academic Services 2-0 Coastal Studies

With the Coastal Studies team beginning to argue amongst themselves as to how it was possible they could be losing to Academic Services, their play became increasingly desperate in the second half. The long ball was resorted to and one such punt upfield brought about a sickening 3 man collision between Bayliss, Alan Hewett and the nippy opposition striker. Somehow all 3 managed to arrive in the same space at exactly the same time and the game was brought to a halt as the players lay prone. Despite initially seeming to be the least injured, Bayliss went onto to nurse a weeping grazed knee all weekend requiring bandage after bandage. Oh yeah…the other two were OK apparently….

Click below to see a replay of the collision:

The AS lads were continuing to play their passing game and when a cross came in from the left, Moore pirouetted in the box (ouch!) and a neat step over allowed a marauding Hewett to steal in at the far post to convert. 3-0 to the Academic Services…I’ll type that again….3-0 to the Academic Services…unbelievable!

By now the kitchen sink had been called for by Coastal Studies and, duly summoned, was flung at the AS defence with great vengeance. At the heart of that defence, Hewett was having the game of his life and threw himself into every challenge, blocking shot after shot with any part of his body that was available. When Coastal Studies did at last get past Hewett, Wayne Thompson stood firm with a number of heroic saves, and when they finally beat Thompson the post came to the rescue (well it at least asked if everyone was OK).

And then…the final whistle! A truly astounding scoreline – what an achievement! A result that is up there with some of the great upsets of all time…think Hereford,Ronnie Radford and all those parkas or Wimbledon beating Liverpool in the cup final (‘the crazy gang have beaten the culture club” and all that). This may have eclipsed them all.

Its 1972 and non-league Hereford have just dumped Newcastle out of the FA cup - everyone played in black and white back then

Final Score: Academic Services 3-0 Coastal Studies

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Proving the “a week is a long time in football” theory single-handedly, Uncle Wayne played a blinder. Labelled a donkey last week, Thompson the younger was more feline than asinine this week, leaping like a cat to repel everything that was thrown at him. His performance may have worried the absent Chris Awre whose place is now under threat – Shilton v Clemence anyone? 8/10

Gary Thompson – Was enjoying a very steady and composed game until he injured himself in one almighty bone -shaking challenge against an opposition forward. Had to sit out the second half as the glory unfolded in front of him yet tantalizingly out of his reach – a bit like Jimmy Greaves missing out on the 1966 World Cup Final. Never mind Gaz, following in Greavsie’s footsteps has its benefits – you’ll get to grow a minging moustache in later life and have to spend years in the company of a tedious Scotsman. 7/10

Richard Bayliss – Followed his manager’s instructions to the letter by sacrificing himself to the game plan (i.e. do not under any circumstances attempt to cross the halfway line at anytime – especially if you have possession of the ball). Didn’t let anybody down. 7/10

Alan Hewett – What a week for big Al! First he turns in the performance of a lifetime with his all action display including a picture-book collection of last ditch, certain- goal saving tackles. Then he ventures up field to slot in his first goal of the season and finally his beloved Spurs only go and win 9-1! Only one complaint Al – how about letting the rest of us have a game next week! 9/10 *Man of the Match*

Tony Ward – Started on the bench but came on to replace Bayliss. Weighed in with a measured performance and a very high pass completion rate. Has committed to playing 3 times a week to improve his fitness and it showed. May need to invest in some more of those surgical knee support accessories he has taken to wearing if he insists on keeping this up! 7/10

Carl Barrow – Nearly started a riot with his first challenge that left a Coastal Studies player counting his limbs. The Portfolio Holder for Communication? It was Carl that needed a good talking to after that tackle. Settled down after that explosive start to provide some useful link-up play and diligent work down the left flank. 7/10

Nigel Cass – Ah now….here’s someone who knows all about communicating. Its the King of Chat, the Prince of Prattle , the blatherer supreme himself… heeeere’s Nigel! Playing in a more advanced role, Nigel’s job was to hold the play up until support arrived. This he did via a number of slaloming runs down the flanks heading towards the byline… until he ran out of space at which point he would turn around and come back the other way all the time shouting “WHO WANTS IT?” in a menacing tone. Never quite managed the goal his play deserved despite spurning a number of chances. 7/10

Robert Sherratt – Scorer of a marvelous goal on the break in the first half, Robert provided the initial spark that ignited belief among the AS team that anything was possible. Marked out by his flaming red hair, Robert blazed with intensity and fervour in the middle of the park for the whole game until the final whistle…. when he spontaneously combusted. 8/10

Paul Andrews – Spurred on by his girlfriend watching from the touchline (meaning the official attendance was a respectable 1), super silky Paul pulled all the strings yet again. Had possession of the ball with more frequency than Katie Price appears on the front cover of the tabloids. Span, turned and scored so quickly that the ball was in the back of the net before his opponent could shout “I’m a Celebrity get me out of here!” …. actually that’s quite a mouthful…8/10

Gary Moore – All his planning, tactics and formations worked like a dream and he basked in the glory of his (team’s) victory afterwards (we could all hear you singing in the changing room showers Gary!). Employed some reverse psychology on his squad in the run up to the game by stating his game plan was to pack the defence in order to keep the score down – a masterstroke that unseated the league leaders with a clean sheet to boot! In the words of one Mr Clough, “Lets see Don flipping Revie do that!” 9/10 *Manager of the Week*

"You've all done very well"

Match day 4 and the AS boys were confident that they could achieve a decent result. Then they looked at the fixture list….today’s opponents were the dreaded Sports Science gang! Led by the lad with the giant afro, this lot had embarrassed the AS team 0-4 last time out with a display of powerful running and precision ball control.

But this is a new AS team with a motivated manager, team talks and training sessions – surely things would be different this time? One look at the calendar may have given an indication of how events would unfold – match day 4 fell on Friday 13th!

Bad luck and misfortune lurked ominously as the team assembled …

“Hang on…where’s Paul Andrews?” inquired an eagle-eyed Richard Bayliss. Alas their star player was once again missing and with Gary Thompson also absent (something about an appointment with a Sky engineer/TV repair man/cable guy….), some jiggery pokery was required from Manager Moore. With goalkeeper Chris Awre back from the US (the International Society of Beard Cultivators AGM apparently), the defence was completed by Richard Bayliss and Wayne Thompson. In midfield Moore plumped for the hard-running Alan Hewett with the talkative Nigel Cass for company and elected to go with the old (well nearly 40 anyway) warhorse Robert Sherratt up top.

A bright start from AS augured well as passes found their targets, the defence was standing firm and Nigel was, as ever, talking a good game – Friday the 13th be blowed! The soothsayers had spoken and all portents pointed to a positive result for Team AS.

Alas, games are determined by incidents and decisions – sometimes they go for you, sometimes they don’t and the curse of Friday the 13th struck in cruel fashion. A super through ball from Tony Ward (on for a tiring Bayliss) put Sherratt through one-on-one with the goalie. A neat feint took the speccy striker past his opponent only for the cheating swine to leg him over – PENALTY REF! For decisions to go your way however, generally you need an official present to make a decision in the first place….unfortunately, as it was Friday 13th, the ref was one Casper the Ghost and nowhere to be seen and the penalty claims fell on phantom ears.

The ref waves away AS penalty claims and gives the decision the other way!

In a double-whammy of misfortune, with the AS team still protesting, Sports Science broke downfield and crashed an unstoppable bullet past Awre to take the lead.

Half-time: Academic Services 0-1 SHES

As the teams lined up for the start of the second half more paranormal activities seemed to be afoot. Chris Awre noticed that the goal that Team AS had been attempting to breach in the first half was not properly aligned with the pitch markings! No wonder our brave heroes hadn’t been able to get a shot on target! Somebody had literally moved the goalposts! What supernatural forces could have caused this occurrence? Was there some astronomical disorientation at large? Or was it the curse of Friday the 13th again?

The spooky goalposts that Chris Awre noticed were out of (cosmic) alignment

With the goalposts shifted back into position, the second half began. The next goal would be crucial. If it went to Academic Services it was game on but a second Sports Science goal would almost certainly seal another defeat. Which way would it go? …..Obviously it went to Sports Science (come on what did you expect?) and from then on in it was to be a damage limitation exercise.

Despite constant rolling substitutes, Team AS began to visibly tire and with their resistant weak the goals started to flow. 0-2 quickly became 0-3 and then 0-4 with Sports Science displaying some unnaturally precise finishes from tight angles with the shots flying in to the only places in Chris Awre’s net that he could not reach.

And then….a spirited fight back from Academic Services. A beautiful 3-man move beginning with an accurate pass from Bayliss to Cass, a wonderful shimmy and cross from the verbose midfielder which arrived straight onto the boot of Robert Sherratt. BANG! Wait for net to ripple….GOAL! But no…yet again the curse of Friday the 13th saw fit to smite Academic Services as the flight of the ball abnormally changed direction mid -air and smacked against the right-hand post and away to safety.

Click below to witness Robert Sherratt’s goal-bound shot being kept out by paranormal forces

Knowing that there goal was now protected by mysterious forces beyond scientific explanation, the SHES team could afford to throw men forward and a further two goals flew in late doors and the 6-0 rout was complete.

Yet again, Academic Services had fallen to another damaging defeat – surely they are due a change of luck? Next game? Coastal Studies and crucially it will not be played on Friday the 13th.

Full time: Academic Services 0-6 SHES

How they performed:

Chris Awre – How often does a keeper let in 6 and get a good review? Bizarrely Chris seems to defy all known football logic here but it would be a harsh critic who blamed him for the scoreline. Solid in the first half, the team’s capitulation after the break left him sorely exposed – ooh painful! 6/10

Wayne Thompson – With elder sibling Gary indisposed, it was time for Uncle Wayne to step out of his brother’s shadow and prove himself as the footballer he undoubtedly believes himself to be. Wayne fancies himself as a ball-playing hard man….I wonder if the record books will agree…let’s see …(sound of pages being flicked)…Wayne Thompson…Wayne Thompson…no they don’t agree…there’s just a picture of a donkey. 6/10

Robert Sherratt – Denied a stone wall penalty in the first half and also a certain goal by mystic forces in the second, Robert will consider himself persecuted by the curse of Friday the 13th. Apparently there is a word for the phobia of Friday the 13th ….paraskevidekatriaphobia. There is a also a word for the phenomenon of hitting the post from 2 yards out when it seems easier to score than miss…crapness 6/10

Gary Moore – And so the goal drought continues….Gary’s eye for the onion bag seems to have been affected by his dual player manager role – men and multi-tasking and all that. Maybe he should clone himself – seems to have worked for “JEdward”. 6/10

Tony Ward – Showed some incisive passing but was struck down by the curse of Friday 13th when, confronted with no option to pass in a tight corner was heard to shout “You all disappeared boys” – spooky! 6/10

Richard Bayliss – Produced a couple of timely clearances and well executed tackles but a lack of fitness told late on as he was increasingly stranded out of position as AS pressed for a consolation goal. Don’t check out your Prozone stats Richard – you’ll only upset yourself. 6/10

Alan Hewett – This man does not know when to stop – would gladly play next week’s fixture as soon as this one had finished. If he was a song he’d be “O Superman” by Laurie Anderson – you feel like it will never ever stop. Maybe Al has Kryptonite for breakfast? 7/10

Nigel Cass – Another garrulous display from Nigel – with his incessant talking he’s becoming a pest (© Chas ‘n’ Dave 1980) – for the opposition of course! 6/10

Carl Barrow – Started on the bench but was chomping at the bit to get involved. Threw himself into every tackle when he did get on and showed some intelligent possession of the ball. Pushing for a starting place next week? 7/10

Academic Services? Whither the mighty Bookworms of last season’s daring exploits? You may well ask …apparently certain people thought bookworms wasn’t a fitting name anymore (admittedly it isn’t a name to strike fear into the hearts of opponents) and with many of the original players missing it was felt that it could reflect the new team. Hang on…original players missing ? New team?

Yes…its true the Bookworms…sigh…Academic Services have a host of new faces for the new season (more of them later) but for now a moment of contemplation to recognise those heroes of yesteryear who failed to make it into this brave new world ..Simon Lamb, Big John Higham, Pengfei Xue….your like may never be seen again (hopefully not …they were pants ….)

And so to the new breed…after a very encouraging 4-1 win in a friendly against the Business School the previous week and rumours of a proper kit and even sponsorship being secured, there was a distinctly professional feel to the team for the first league game of the season.

Did I say “team”? Make that “squad” as an unprecedented multitude of 11 players assembled for the traditional pre-match “kickabout”* Those mathematicians amongst you will have immediately spotted a problem here…11 into 6 does not go. To rectify this a policy of “rolling substitutions” was put forward to ensure everyone got a game.

The new squad assembles

Despite the plethora of new faces there was some continuity with Chris Awre regaining his place as goalkeeper from last season’s stand-in Wayne Thompson, a familiar strike force of Robert Sherratt and Gary “Goals” Moore and Mr Reliable Ponytail himself Gary Thompson acting as the destroyer in defence. The starting 6 line-up was completed by new boys Rob Dent, a busy, tough tackling ball player and Tony Ward an experienced journeyman (well he is 44!) with coaching credentials to boot.

And so to the action… a cautious opening gave way to sustained possession by Estates who were starting to flex their muscles and Chris Awre was called upon to produce some inspired (i.e. lucky) reaction saves on numerous occasions. The rulebook was called for after the Estates giant goalkeeper unilaterally decided he was allowed to play “rush”goalie**. With no rulebook forthcoming (t’was ever thus), the Estates goalkeeper began to run rings around the bamboozled Academic Services team who soon found themselves 2 goals down as half-time approached.

If anything the constant changing of the team brought about by the rolling substitutes policy seemed to be having a destabilising effect on the AS boys with the line-up changing more times than the Sugababes in a revolving door contest. It brought to mind the old adage that if you own a spade and you change the handle and then have to replace the blade is it the same spade? (What? Philosophy ed). Back in the thick of it, the AS lads were wishing they had shovels of their own to dig some holes to hide in.

The Estates goalkeeper surveys the damage his outfield expolits had wrought

Halftime: Academic Services 0 – 2 Estates

The second half saw a much improved performance from AS. Despite going 0-3 down early on, a number of chances were created and spurned. The main culprit was Tony Ward who twice failed to put away one-on-one chances and also screwed a shot wide from an admittedly wide angle.

When the breakthrough finally arrived it came from an unlikely source. Following good work by Rob Dent who rode a number of opposition challenges, the ball broke for Carl Barrow, a man as likely to score a goal as Alex Ferguson is likely to say “Och aye, the ref today was as fit as a butcher’s dog ye ken”. With the goalkeeper stranded by the deflection off Rob Dent, an unmanned open goal loomed large in front of Carl. As his AS team-mates held their breath, Carl managed to overcome his natural instincts to spoon the ball over the bar and cooly side-footed home from close range. Game on!

Game over…as the Estates man-mountain goalkeeper calmly strode forward once more, nonchalantly swotting the AS boys aside as if they were irritating midges and planted a stunning volley inside Chris Awre’s near post.

Click below to see the Estates goalkeeper scoring…

And that was that…a beating for sure but the AS lads showed distinct promise in the second half especially. Maybe it won’t be such a long season after all…

Full-time: Academic Services 1-4 Estates

* Kickabout = 10 outfield players attempting to take Chris Awre’s head off by crashing in as many shots as possible as hard as possible.

** Rush goalie = when a goalkeeper is allowed outside of his designated area to play outfield – in the world of 6-a-side football this phenomenon is also known as CHEATING!

How they performed

Chris Awre – The bearded wonder pulled off a string of saves in the first half to keep his team in the game. Needs to learn to shout at his defence a bit more – not something that will come naturally as he is well known for being softly-spoken. SPEAK UP CHRIS! 6/10

Gary Thompson – Displayed great commitment to the cause by playing whilst he was actually on holiday. Roared on by his young son, Gary employed his usual “if it moves, kick it” approach to the game. Left at half-time when Thompson junior reminded him that Mum would be wondering where they were. 6/10

Wayne Thompson – “Uncle” Wayne’s main contribution to the afternoon was escorting his nephew to the 3G pitch after the youngster got fed up waiting for Dad to get changed. 5/10

Robert Sherratt – Unaccustomed to not playing every minute as he usually does, Robert struggled to hit his stride..and when he did the stride hit back as he seemed to spend most of the game writhing around on the floor trying to get the ball from under his feet. Produced one desperate lunging stab at goal following up a Tony Ward thwarted effort but it drifted wide of the mark… disappointing. 5/10

Gary Moore – Quiet game from last year’s top goalscorer. A one season wonder? Has more work than Phil Brown to do in the restoring reputations stakes. 5/10

Rob Dent – Promising debut that featured a crunching early challenge that Alan Hansen would no doubt have described as an old-fashioned tackle from behind like they used to do in the good old days when they played proper football…or something. 7/10

Tony Ward – Marked his debut by wearing a Mark Knopfler-esque bandanna. Wasted a glorious one-on one chance late on with a finish that was “so far away” and will surely prompt Tony into some “private investigations” as to how he failed to score. Generally solid performance. 6/10

Richard Bayliss – 100 % pass completion rate including one sumptuous through ball that put Tony Ward in one -on one with the keeper. Neat, tidy and effective display 7/10

Alan Hewett – Another of the new lads with a reputation of having a “good engine” (basically he will run all day for a lump of sugar). Put in a good shift on the right hand side culminating in one arrowing cross which flashed across the Estates area causing a trail of panic in its wake… mainly from the AS boys who had never seen such a thing before and were clueless as to what to do with it. 6/10

Nigel Cass – Enthusiastic performer. Always talking (“Nigel wants it” may become a catchphrase), Nigel sought to bring professionalism to the team as was demonstrated by his rousing “come on lads lets get organised ” pre-match exhortation…which was quickly followed by him wondering off down the sidelines fiddling with his shorts in a little world of his own. 6/10

Carl Barrow – Contrary to rumour, Carl proved he did in fact have the technical ability to hit a cow’s backside with a banjo by conjuring up a brilliant 1 yard finish to score from an open goal. 7/10