Dickiebliss’s Blog

Academic Services 0-6 SHES
November 16, 2009, 10:34 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Match day 4 and the AS boys were confident that they could achieve a decent result. Then they looked at the fixture list….today’s opponents were the dreaded Sports Science gang! Led by the lad with the giant afro, this lot had embarrassed the AS team 0-4 last time out with a display of powerful running and precision ball control.

But this is a new AS team with a motivated manager, team talks and training sessions – surely things would be different this time? One look at the calendar may have given an indication of how events would unfold – match day 4 fell on Friday 13th!

Bad luck and misfortune lurked ominously as the team assembled …

“Hang on…where’s Paul Andrews?” inquired an eagle-eyed Richard Bayliss. Alas their star player was once again missing and with Gary Thompson also absent (something about an appointment with a Sky engineer/TV repair man/cable guy….), some jiggery pokery was required from Manager Moore. With goalkeeper Chris Awre back from the US (the International Society of Beard Cultivators AGM apparently), the defence was completed by Richard Bayliss and Wayne Thompson. In midfield Moore plumped for the hard-running Alan Hewett with the talkative Nigel Cass for company and elected to go with the old (well nearly 40 anyway) warhorse Robert Sherratt up top.

A bright start from AS augured well as passes found their targets, the defence was standing firm and Nigel was, as ever, talking a good game – Friday the 13th be blowed! The soothsayers had spoken and all portents pointed to a positive result for Team AS.

Alas, games are determined by incidents and decisions – sometimes they go for you, sometimes they don’t and the curse of Friday the 13th struck in cruel fashion. A super through ball from Tony Ward (on for a tiring Bayliss) put Sherratt through one-on-one with the goalie. A neat feint took the speccy striker past his opponent only for the cheating swine to leg him over – PENALTY REF! For decisions to go your way however, generally you need an official present to make a decision in the first place….unfortunately, as it was Friday 13th, the ref was one Casper the Ghost and nowhere to be seen and the penalty claims fell on phantom ears.

The ref waves away AS penalty claims and gives the decision the other way!

In a double-whammy of misfortune, with the AS team still protesting, Sports Science broke downfield and crashed an unstoppable bullet past Awre to take the lead.

Half-time: Academic Services 0-1 SHES

As the teams lined up for the start of the second half more paranormal activities seemed to be afoot. Chris Awre noticed that the goal that Team AS had been attempting to breach in the first half was not properly aligned with the pitch markings! No wonder our brave heroes hadn’t been able to get a shot on target! Somebody had literally moved the goalposts! What supernatural forces could have caused this occurrence? Was there some astronomical disorientation at large? Or was it the curse of Friday the 13th again?

The spooky goalposts that Chris Awre noticed were out of (cosmic) alignment

With the goalposts shifted back into position, the second half began. The next goal would be crucial. If it went to Academic Services it was game on but a second Sports Science goal would almost certainly seal another defeat. Which way would it go? …..Obviously it went to Sports Science (come on what did you expect?) and from then on in it was to be a damage limitation exercise.

Despite constant rolling substitutes, Team AS began to visibly tire and with their resistant weak the goals started to flow. 0-2 quickly became 0-3 and then 0-4 with Sports Science displaying some unnaturally precise finishes from tight angles with the shots flying in to the only places in Chris Awre’s net that he could not reach.

And then….a spirited fight back from Academic Services. A beautiful 3-man move beginning with an accurate pass from Bayliss to Cass, a wonderful shimmy and cross from the verbose midfielder which arrived straight onto the boot of Robert Sherratt. BANG! Wait for net to ripple….GOAL! But no…yet again the curse of Friday the 13th saw fit to smite Academic Services as the flight of the ball abnormally changed direction mid -air and smacked against the right-hand post and away to safety.

Click below to witness Robert Sherratt’s goal-bound shot being kept out by paranormal forces

Knowing that there goal was now protected by mysterious forces beyond scientific explanation, the SHES team could afford to throw men forward and a further two goals flew in late doors and the 6-0 rout was complete.

Yet again, Academic Services had fallen to another damaging defeat – surely they are due a change of luck? Next game? Coastal Studies and crucially it will not be played on Friday the 13th.

Full time: Academic Services 0-6 SHES

How they performed:

Chris Awre – How often does a keeper let in 6 and get a good review? Bizarrely Chris seems to defy all known football logic here but it would be a harsh critic who blamed him for the scoreline. Solid in the first half, the team’s capitulation after the break left him sorely exposed – ooh painful! 6/10

Wayne Thompson – With elder sibling Gary indisposed, it was time for Uncle Wayne to step out of his brother’s shadow and prove himself as the footballer he undoubtedly believes himself to be. Wayne fancies himself as a ball-playing hard man….I wonder if the record books will agree…let’s see …(sound of pages being flicked)…Wayne Thompson…Wayne Thompson…no they don’t agree…there’s just a picture of a donkey. 6/10

Robert Sherratt – Denied a stone wall penalty in the first half and also a certain goal by mystic forces in the second, Robert will consider himself persecuted by the curse of Friday the 13th. Apparently there is a word for the phobia of Friday the 13th ….paraskevidekatriaphobia. There is a also a word for the phenomenon of hitting the post from 2 yards out when it seems easier to score than miss…crapness 6/10

Gary Moore – And so the goal drought continues….Gary’s eye for the onion bag seems to have been affected by his dual player manager role – men and multi-tasking and all that. Maybe he should clone himself – seems to have worked for “JEdward”. 6/10

Tony Ward – Showed some incisive passing but was struck down by the curse of Friday 13th when, confronted with no option to pass in a tight corner was heard to shout “You all disappeared boys” – spooky! 6/10

Richard Bayliss – Produced a couple of timely clearances and well executed tackles but a lack of fitness told late on as he was increasingly stranded out of position as AS pressed for a consolation goal. Don’t check out your Prozone stats Richard – you’ll only upset yourself. 6/10

Alan Hewett – This man does not know when to stop – would gladly play next week’s fixture as soon as this one had finished. If he was a song he’d be “O Superman” by Laurie Anderson – you feel like it will never ever stop. Maybe Al has Kryptonite for breakfast? 7/10

Nigel Cass – Another garrulous display from Nigel – with his incessant talking he’s becoming a pest (© Chas ‘n’ Dave 1980) – for the opposition of course! 6/10

Carl Barrow – Started on the bench but was chomping at the bit to get involved. Threw himself into every tackle when he did get on and showed some intelligent possession of the ball. Pushing for a starting place next week? 7/10

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