Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 2 – 15 (fifteen) Equipe Ruby
November 3, 2013, 11:41 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

There are some rules of life that are undeniable.

The only certainties in life are death and taxes?

Yes but here are a few more that raised their ugly heads in last nights futsal pre tournament  ‘friendly’ fixture:

1. A game of football, without a ref, inevitably descends into a confrontation between the two teams

2. There’s always showing off when a team brings along girlfriends to watch

3. Men over 40 should not play football against 18 year olds

Futsal back is it?

YES! And so are the Kickers –  the reigning champions of this particular brand of footy. However it was a very different looking Kickers team that assembled for this warm-up match.

  • GONE! Gary Moore – last year’s goalkeeper / manager.
  • GONE! Paul Andrews- the ever stylish midfield maestro.
  • INJURED! Rich Kirk – last year’s star player out with damaged ankle ligaments (but more of him later).
  • MISSING! Andy Hoole – he forgot to turn up so engrossed was he in some pumpkin carving (I’m not making this up – this was his genuine reason for his no-show!)
  • MISSING! Mike Ewen, Aaron Barwick, Michael Latham…

OK – I get the picture. So who exactly was playing?!

Like those lingering stains on the Kickers shirts that just won’t come out even after repeated boil washes, Richard Bayliss and Robert Sherratt were still there but the latter had an appendage in the form of his sixteen (not forgetting the “and a half”) son Patrick who had agreed to play  – after careful consideration of how he could live with the embarrassment factor of having to appear in the same team as his Dad.

I see…Any other newbies?

Yes – another new face was that of Mike Lines whose only affiliation to the Kickers cause was that he lives a few doors up from Bayliss. Yes – he was Richard’s neighbour (beat that for a tenuous connection!).

And in goal?

Well this was a bit of luck as John “Ned” Kelly was available as his regular Wed night dominoes team match was postponed.

What old Ned?! But he must be……well……old?

Don’t be deceived by the white hair – Ned can throw himself to the floor quicker than Ashley Young in the penalty area.

So who was in charge of this brave new team?

Richard Bayliss has appointed himself manager / organiser this time around.

Oh lord…..So judging by the scoreline in the title of this post, things didn’t go to plan then?

That would be assuming the Kickers had a plan to begin with. Bayliss was pleased just to get 5 players on the court at the same time in the end and that’s where his tactics stopped.

What no formation, no roles, no nothing?

Zip – they just sort of “started”

Eh? You mean there wasn’t even a kick off?

Oh there was a kick off alright …..just no ref.

No ref..that’s…

Madness – yes.

So …rules…that sort of thing…?

Thrashed out by Bayliss and the opposition captain two seconds before the start

Must have been carnage

Actually the first half was a surprisingly cordial affair with no flash points.  It was even an ..well ….even game for much of the opening 10 minutes.

Highlights please

Well…the opposition were obviously younger and certainly had the skill factor but the Kickers remained tight at the back and got numbers behind the ball but the French lads struck first and got themselves a 2-0 lead before a smart finish by Mike Lines from a Bayliss pass reduced the arrears. Mike was certainly trying to impress in his  audition appearance as he then struck the post twice before the Equipe boys increased their lead to 4-1 by half time.

Half time: The Kickers 1 – 4 Equipe Ruby

So what the Hell happened in the second half?

Well it should have been better as Rich Kirk came on as a sub

Thought he was injured?

He thought he was injured but he just couldn’t resist the pull of  pulling on the Kickers jersey and played the whole of the second half.

Was he fit?

No – skills were there but the weakness of his ankle meant he was only operating at 75% capacity. It was like watching the Beatles in concert when they had that replacement drummer in for Ringo when he had tonsillitis – you saw them (him) but you didn’t see them (him) if you see what I mean?

Not really.

Yay!! Rich Kirk is back from injury. Let’s see what he does with the ball…..oh dear……also look out for someone gobbing on the bloke at the end of the clip from the balcony

So Rich Kirk was still crocked . What about the rest of them? Did Ned  really let in 11 goals in the second half – that’s criminal

Ned was the Kickers Man of the Match

Jeez! Doesn’t say much for the rest of them.

That may be so but its the truth and here’s the video evidence to prove it….

A genuinely good bit of footage this – sweet feet from Mike Lines early on and then, after the move breaks down,  a terrific point blank save by Ned Kelly 

So when did it all start getting fractious?

When the French lads went 14-1 up and stated to dispute decisions.

Who does that?


Did they have a case?

Young Patrick Sherratt was definitely guilty of at least one shove in the back

The folly of youth eh?

Well yes …except the real throwing his toys out of the pram merchant was Richard Bayliss

Bayliss? The man who plays football as if he’s been struck mute? He’s never been heard to utter a word whilst in action has he?

He did yesterday.  The humiliation got a bit much for him and in a fit of pique he demanded a penalty for slide tackling by the opposition keeper deep into the second half. And he took it as well!

Oh dear…Dare I ask what happened? 

He missed it of course.

The old dilemma of whether to go for power or placement?

I think he was probably thinking “Why isn’t somebody trying to wrestle the ball off me and stop this nonsense”. And the strop carried on after that…

Took his ball home?

Decided to confront the French lads captain about the behaviour of some of his team mates. I think there may have been some finger wagging….

*The sound of barely muffled laughter* OK….OK…so the second rule of life …the one about girlfriends watching football?

All true  –  Equipe Ruby had two girls supporting them from the sidelines…there’s no doubt that’s what all the aggro was about…preening and strutting and showing off by boys in front of girls…always happens – guaranteed.

And the third rule of life about men over 40?

Richard Bayliss, Ned Kelly, Robert Sherratt and a 2 – 15 scoreline? The evidence m’lud.

Guilty verdict returned!

“Pop” Sherratt has a pop at goal and wakes the opposition keeper up in the process – also LOUD BLOKE alert right at the end!

Full time: The Kickers 2 – 15 Equipe Ruby

Scorers: Mike Lines, Rich Kirk

How they rated:

John “Ned” Kelly

Yes he let in 15 goals but without him the shame could have been of biblical proportions. Produced a string of fine stops to deny the French hordes from completely ransacking the Kickers goal. But with Ned’s dominoes commitments compromising his availability for future fixtures, a serious doubt about the goalkeeper position remains. 7/10 Man of the Match 

shirtRichard Bayliss

The self-appointed guv’nor did a magnificent job of washing the team shirts (honestly – they’ve never smelt so good) and exhibited  magnificent organisational behaviours by getting his team to be at the right place and the right time for kick off (apart from that pumpkin botherer Andy Hoole). On the pitch he produced his usual trick of not actually playing any football you understand but rather  just “got in the way” of the opposition, the ball and team mates alike. A second half meltdown climaxed with his petulant demand for a penalty which he then fluffed spectacularly but at least he did show some spirit when berating the opposition captain about his whining  comrades. 5 for performance plus 1 for the shirts = 6/10

Robert Sherratt

What a moment for Robert – its not every Father that gets to play in the same team as their son. A trawl of the internet shows its a very exclusive club with probably the most famous example being Arnor Gudjohnsen being substituted whilst playing for the Icelandic international team by his son Eidur (ex Chelsea, Barcelona etc).  The reverse happened late on in the Kickers game with Robert giving Patrick the hook to allow him to re-enter the fray late into the second half – no family loyalty on display here. Robert was bursting with desperation to get back into the action and Patrick was the fall guy for his Dad’s eagerness for game time – Robert obviously ignoring  the lyrics of that most appropriate of songs “Father and Son” …”Its not time to make a change just relax and take it easy…” As for his actual performance, “Pop” Sherratt did the basics well but lacked his usual flair for a goal. 6/10

Patrick Sherratt

The youngest ever player to have turned out for the Kickers by a country mile. You would have been forgiven for expecting a Harry Enfield style stroppy teenager who flounces about shouting “It’s not fair!” as the scoreline advanced and the humiliation grew. Not so – Patrick produced a bustling, harrying display and wasn’t afraid to put his foot in when required. Did get overly enthusiastic when his jostling of an opponent turned into a clear shove but hey – there was no ref – so who cares? Eventually got bored and retired to the sidelines for the last few minutes to play Angry Birds on his iPhone. Dad Robert should be very proud. 6/10

Mike Lines

Pre-match rumours that Mike had been scouted by Newcastle Utd in his youth fuelled expectations of a mammoth performance from the newbie. Well, he wasn’t exactly “SuperMac” (ask your Dad Patrick), but the Kickers own “SuperMike” was pretty good. Scored a goal (a feat which shouldn’t be underestimated in this match) and also hit the post twice. Always willing to receive the ball, Mike never gave up and didn’t deserve to be associated with such a defeat on his Kickers debut. 7/10

Rich Kirk

A surprise appearance from the supposedly injured Kirk. Allowed his heart to rule his head by begging to be allowed to play the second half despite obviously not being match fit.  The flicks and tricks were not coming off and the assured presence on the ball that we have all come to expect from last year’s stellar performer was just not there. Normally you can give the ball to Rich and you know it will be protected, nay cherished, then put to good use often with devastating effect.  Unfortunately Rich looked as mortal as the rest of the team this time – maybe he just human after all. Did score the second consolation goal though and for that he ranks a…6/10

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