Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 9 – 4 The Plebs
April 29, 2013, 8:23 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


…yes back to the prologue. After last week’s rude interruption normal service has been resumed. Mickey Fliss has been banished to Berlin for a weekend of depravity that would shock Caligula (otherwise known as a stag weekend) and your regular blogger Dickiebliss has been restored to his rightful position. Now…talking of shocking, this week The Kickers were up against a team so offensively named that this blog will not give them the satisfaction of a name check and so will be  referred to simply as The Plebs.


With the week in football being dominated by that Luis Suarez incident, the pre-kick off talk amongst the assembled Kickers was of whether the 10 match ban was a fair punishment or too ahem…drac-onian. Without resident  Liverpudlian Mike Ewen in the ranks, it was left to plastic Scouser Andy Hoole to boo hoo that poor Luis is just misunderstood. Chelsea stalwart Rich Bayliss was having none of it and neither was the Man Utd supporting Aaron “Azza” Barwick. Gary Moore (Leeds Utd) and Nigel Cass (Sheffield Wed) were told not to worry as this matter involved proper football clubs and did not concern them. “Hang on…Nigel Cass?!” I hear you cry in disbelief. Are you sure? Indeed it was big Nige, returned to the Kickers fold after a year long sabbatical and ready to …well I was about to say play but what I really mean is mostly sit on the bench and then stroll about a bit when actually on court.

The Plebs were an unknown quantity, the Kickers not having faced them yet but they appeared to be a bunch of spotty, shouty students full of the swagger of youth but lacking the intelligence to discern between crassness and humour (yes I’m talking about their team name). Both teams eyed each other with caution in the obligatory warm-up, the players bristling with the tension that only appears when spoiling for a fight.  “Finally a proper fixture. This is going to be fun” pondered Azza Barwick to himself….


It was clear from the off that The Plebs were  hyped up to the max to win. Teenage hormones were going off like fireworks as they strutted and shouted their way through the first five minutes. And then something happened that we had not as yet witnessed, the Kickers went a goal down. They had not been behind in any game up to this point and it was a shock to the system. Some blamed  Nigel Cass for being a  jinx. Fortunately parity was restored through a Hoole effort soon after and the the world resumed its place on its axis. Suddenly it was time for the subs to come on – Cass and Bayliss – and big Nige immediately proved he was indeed a Jonah by giving the ball away for the opposition to re-take the lead. Holy crap Cass-man!

Half-time: The Kickers 1 – 2 The Plebs


With Cass and Bayliss resting their asses (or is that ss’s) on the sidelines once more, the second half started ….and what a start. The Kickers tore into their opponents with a hunger not seen since …well since the previous Sunday at Anfield. Chances were created and converted in rapid time…Sherratt, Hoole, Kirk, Hoole (again) as the score clicked round to 6-2. It reminded this blogger of Chelsea running riot against Barcelona in 2005.

The Plebs were blown away and resorted to blaming each other for their predicament. A further 3 goals by Rich Kirk meant that there was no way back for them. Probably the best half of football the Kickers have ever served up. A feast of football if you will. Bite Me!

Full-time: The Kickers 9 – 4 The Plebs

Scorers: Andy Hoole (4), Rich Kirk (4), Robert Sherratt


How they performed

Gary Moore

Proving to be irreplaceable between the sticks, Gary once again pulled out all the stops with a string of splendid saves as the battle raged even earning a magnificently patronising tousle of his hair from Bayliss after yet another stop.

Luis Suarez bite mark:  Similar to Peter Parker’s metamorphosis into Spiderman after being bitten by that radioactive spider, Gary seemed imbued with superhuman powers as he swung Spidey-like from post to post repelling goal bound efforts with nonchalance. 8/10


Rich Bayliss

After last week’s revelation of a performance, Bayliss reverted to type somewhat doing that thing he does best – namely just getting in the way….of team mates, opposition and occasionally the ball. It had all started well enough as Rich showed some composure at the height of the battle highlighted by a towering first half defensive header. After the break it all got a bit much for him as his wayward pass count outstripped his years on the planet and full on rabbit in the headlights mode was assumed. Fear gave rise to anger as a dead leg on the opposition’s playmaker was followed by an outburst at an opponent who, out of frustration, kicked the ball in Rich’s direction. Watch out Azza Barwick – your position as the team’s Mr Angry is under threat! Bayliss does though deserves an ounce of credit for doing as he was told and keeping his position at the back whilst the real players did the business at the other end. Seems even Rich can stand where he’s told to – actually kicking the ball from A-B accurately …now that’s a different matter.

Luis Suarez bite mark: As angry as a Vinnie Jones hack into a journalist’s nose and ultimately as productive 6/10


Rich Kirk

A slow start by his own stellar standards, Rich seized control of the play in that blistering salvo at the start of the second half. Scored 4 goals, some of which were truly unstoppable cross shots, and frankly made nonsense of last week’s Mickey Fliss review. This diva did the business and how.

Luis Suarez bite mark: Like Ozzy Osbourne ripping a bat’s head off – a legendary performance that will assume mythical status in years to come. 9/10


Nigel Cass

Much like his namesake the cassette (no that’s not a term for a Nigel groupie but a long forgotten recording format from the 70s and 80s – oh ask your Dad!), would Nige prove to be a thoroughly redundant relic in this brave new world of futsal? In short, did he still have the legs for it? Despite actually being short (and hairy) of leg and being at fault for the opposition’s 2nd goal, Nige did OK. Sure he struggled at times to dig the ball out from under his feet but nothing that a pair of shovels instead of trainers wouldn’t remedy. Nigel also somehow managed to place one shot through the open gym window behind the goal causing a temporary stoppage in play. Such pinpoint accuracy would not be a lasting memory of his performance but it was good to see him back on the scene all the same.

Luis Suarez bite mark:  A tentative chomp like someone biting on a toffee for the first time after a crown replacement. 6/10


Andy Hoole:

And so to the second of last week’s divas.  Andy did indeed demonstrate his inner diva tendencies by once again spurning the Kickers white strip preferring instead his own fashion choice of a white Liverpool 3rd kit shirt. The rumours that he demanded his own personal dressing room with scented locker remain unsubstantiated though. Any such demands would seem a small ask in return for the performance Andy served up. Four goals and some sparkling footwork later and the Kickers were in Easy Street.

Luis Suarez bite mark:  Dracula-esque – sank both fangs into the neck of the opposition with some devastating finishing which finally killed the game off. Didn’t seem to mind getting on the end of crosses either. 8/10


Aaron Barwick

Azza is as Azza does. Another display full of pent up anger, bile and frustration which at least twice spilled  over into vehement exclamations of disbelief that the opposition had the temerity to actually be winning. Thankfully the Kickers came good and balance and karma was returned to Azza’s universe. Can someone roll him a joint or something before next week’s game.

Luis Suarez bite mark:  Similar to Gnasher from Dennis the Menace, Azza just wouldn’t let this one go, continually goading his team mates into ever greater efforts with a rallying “we’re better than them” clarion call. 7/10


Robert Sherratt

By his own admission did nothing worthy of reporting in his last appearance but big Bob was a catalyst in the second half revival with the all important goal to make it 2-2. And what a goal! Robert literally pushed Rich Kirk out of the way to latch onto a Hoole pass and bulldozered his way past the opposition before bundling home from close range. Takes him a while to get going but once he’s started this man does not know when to stop.

Luis Suarez bite mark:  Like Henry VIII at a banquet – gargantuan appetite for destruction. Robert dismantled the opposition defence like the colossal Tudor devouring a chicken leg whilst scoring the pivotal 2nd Kickers equaliser at the start of the second half. 7/10


And lo it came to pass that Dickiebliss did indeed prove himself to the be the sayer of truth and that any other bloggers were just false prophets.

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