Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 0-1 IECS HIFI
September 11, 2012, 9:19 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Life’s full of disappointments isn’t it? Dickiebliss’s list currently stands at:

  • Never did get that call from Chelsea to be their new star striker
  • Never did form that band and become a global rock star
  • Still can’t grow a proper beard

Well add to that list the crushing disappointment of the Kickers doomed tilt at the staff 6-a-side football league title of 2012.

Going into their final match of the season it was all about the maths and the boys had done their sums and worked out that they could still finish anywhere from first to third as the race for the title entered the final lap. SFC FC sat top of the pile before Friday’s game but had played all their games and could be caught by both the Kickers and HIFI (who lay 2 points behind the lads but crucially with 2 games in hand). Keeping up? Good – I’ll carry on.

Tony Ward goes back to the drawing board to work out who will finish top of the league this year

A win for the Kickers would see them overtake SFC FC and create a 5 point gap over HIFI – not enough to win the title outright but it would ensure a nail-biting finale for sure.

Ater last season’s  final day win which guaranteed 2nd place, hopes were high that they could go one better this time around. A series of postponements meant that they had not played for 6 weeks or so but thanks to the administration skills of Richard Bayliss the final game was…well…finally here. A squad of 8 assembled for one last time in the unexpectedly blazing sun of Friday lunchtime. As if the heat wasn’t enough, the tension of the occasion was creating a real pot boiler setting – would the Kickers wilt or win?

Now a squad of 8 sounds pretty healthy numbers wise but there were two important figures missing from the equation – top scorer Andy Hoole and that venerable custodian of the nets “Ned” Kelly. The Kickers would have to triumph without them and it proved to be a theory founded in chaos.

Without Hoole, a front three of the Pauls Chin and Andrews plus Aaron Barwick formed a promising triangle that manager Gary Moore hoped would fire the goals his team needed to bring home the title. However it  proved to be more of a Bermuda Triangle as the Kickers title hopes disappeared without trace come the final whistle.

Forget the footballers and drugs – its the refs you have to watch out for – Collina points the way to some much needed “munchies”

And yet the omens had augured well before kick off. Robert Sherrratt circulated a rumour that he had seen two of the opposition having a crafty smoke during the warm-up and not of the Bensons and Hedges variety – a massive doobie if you will – not the ideal preparation for a game of such magnitude. [This blog’s lawyers have instructed me to make it clear that this was pure conjecture and not corroborated with any actual evidence].

Indeed, the only possession to be seen come kick off was that of the Kickers ownership of the football as they moved it about with comfort but alas little penetration. With neither side wishing to take a risk the game was more cautious than Liverpool’s owners in a transfer window – something would have to give.

Half time: The Kickers 0-0 IECS HIFI

The half time team talk had been full of “keep it going, the chances will come” rhetoric from manager and stand-in goalkeeper Gary Moore – it was decided that the defence only needed one person goal-side when the Kickers were in possession. It was to prove a fatal flaw in the game plan.

The extra numbers up front were starting to pay dividends though – some nice link play by Barwick and Andrews created an opening for the Kickers . Unfortunately it fell to Mike “Just point me in the right direction” Ewen whose technique was as convincing as a George Osbourne nervous smile and his shot sailed past the post on its way to the corner flag (had there been one).

George Osbourne gets the boos in…

Then a Kickers corner was forced and although Robert Sherratt scuffed the delivery, a poor HIFI clearance fell at the feet of a surprised Richard Bayliss. Spooked by the very presence of the football in such close proximity to his foot, Bayliss scuffed his shot well wide and his chance of glory was gone for another year.

Meanwhile HIFI had been investing their time wisely in punting long balls upfield at Peter Crouch body double Luca and it was to be this tactic that ultimately hoofed the Kickers title hopes into touch. One such long ball bisected the Kickers defensive angles and with solitary defender Bayliss hopelessly exposed, Luca drilled home a precise trajectory of a finish. Eureka!

Now clearly desperate, The Kickers launched a frantic attack that saw Aaron Barwick run clear on goal but his effort was magnificently repelled by the diving opposition goalie. There was time for one final crazy dribble up field by goalkeeper Moore but he ran into heavy traffic and ended up marooned out on the left wing when the Kickers needed the ball in the box. No Jimmy Glass heroics here…

Jimmy who? JIMMY GLASS!!!!

And with that the Kickers title hopes were gone…and this year’s league winners? Well…we’ll probably never know as HIFI will never get those final two league games played   – like trying to work out how many decimal places there are to pi – the 2012 season will never end.

Full time: The Kickers 0-1 IECS HIFI

How they performed:

Gary Moore: Bravely assumed goalkeeping duties in the absence of both Ned Kelly and understudy Wayne Thompson and did a decent job. Were it not for the last minute nonsense of his outfield dribbling antics would probably have got MotM to boot. 7/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Brian Cox OBE

Pin up boy of the geek world, the multi -talented Cox is credited with popularising the sciences with the masses whilst also infamously being the keyboard player in 90s chart stars D:Ream. Similarly, the multi talented Gary Moore can play both as striker and goalkeeper, infamously combining the two roles in the last minute of the match by dribbling out of goal upfield in search of an equaliser. Yeah…D:Ream on Gary.


Richard Bayliss: Tried his best to get forward in support of the front three but was left hopelessly exposed for the goal as the last covering defender. 6/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Ray from Ghostbusters

Just look at the picture….probably a step up from Sam Allardyce in the lookalikes stakes though eh?


Tony Ward: Solid display from Tone – tried his damnedest to come up with an equaliser but usually ended up getting all his angles wrong when it came to shooting. 6/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Velma from Scooby Doo

Like Tony, couldn’t see without her glasses. Have yet to hear Mr Ward exclaim “jinkies” when he loses the ball yet again though.


Mike Ewen: Once again talked a great game  expounding some sound (as a pound) tactical theories during half-time but  was as useful as a calculator in a shit storm when it came to putting the ball in the opponents net. 6/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Adric from Doctor Who

Mathematical genius who was a companion of the Doctor’s in the early 80s. Came to a nasty end at the hands of the Cybermen. Similarly, Mike’s footballing reputation has has died a death at the fingertips of this cyber-blogger.


Paul Chin: Took advantage of the rolling subs policy to  great effect, so much so that he seemed to spend more time on the sidelines than in the middle of the park. Can Old Father Time finally be catching up with Paul? Say it ain’t so Chinny 6/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Johnny Ball

Eccentric kids TV presenter famous for making maths seem like fun  and being the father of nausea-inducing DJ Zoe Ball. 74 year old Johnny is everyone’s favourite old uncle type and about to undergo a resurgence of popularity as a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. Similarly, the ever popular Chinny  is everyone’s favourite team-mate – alas there was no evidence of twinkle-toed ability on the pitch on Friday.


Paul Andrews: Nearly created a late  equaliser with a slide rule pass through to Aaron Barwick but most of the time his teammates weren’t on his wavelength 7/10 Man of the Match

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Mr Spock from Star Trek

The godfather of all things logical, Spock could also rough it up with his famous Vulcan death grip. Paul has yet to cut loose on the football pitch with any such manoeuvres but it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch isn’t it?


Aaron Barwick: Early season form deserted him and he got his trajectory calculations all wrong with that last gasp chance for an equaliser when shooting straught at the keeper. 6/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Mark Zuckerberg

Multi-millionaire Facebook internet sensation but has he reached his peak?


Robert Sherratt:Never really got his game together and never had a sniff of a chance. 6/10

If he were a geeky maths type he would be: Brains from Thunderbirds

Specy git who was always strangely missing when the real action started.


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