Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 4-0 Facilities Falcons
July 25, 2012, 8:54 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s July 2012 and in the UK everyone’s thoughts are turning to the great sporting spectacle appearing over the horizon, that celebration of competition, that festival of sporting deeds…no not the Olympics (we’re all bored of them already). No, I mean the climax of the Staff Intramural 6-a-side league and specifically those legends of  athleticism the Kickers!

After a four match unbeaten run and with the finishing line in sight, the Kickers faced those erstwhile opponents the Facilities Falcons. Yes that’s right – Faz and his chums. Having registered an unlikely 1-1 draw against them recently with a team of defenders, hopes were high in the Kickers camp that they could go for gold  and secure all 3 points against the Falcons this time.

And yet there was something different about this Facilities team as they warmed up prior to kick off. Something….professional. And then the penny dropped…they had a proper kit with their team name on the front and numbers on the back and everything. Gulp! Well two can play that game and immediately an unfazed Gary Moore reached for the kit bag and produced the Kickers away kit to avoid a colour clash. Ha! Take that Faz!

Robbie Fowler – he runs the Adam Ant fan club in his spare time apparently

The Kickers had played their trump card in the professionalism stakes but unfortunately Paul Andrews couldn’t let it rest at that and took to the pitch with some sort of new fangled knee support strap system attached to both legs.It looked like one of those nasal strips that Robbie Fowler used to shove on his shonk to help his air intake but worn on the knee instead. Achingly fashionable I’m sure Paul but it was a step (or knee) too far and only slightly less risible than Tony Ward’s headband and sports goggle combo.

“Ere Wayne – have you seen this?” Rio finds out via Twitter that Robert Sherratt is back for the Kickers

With the Kickers already depleted by the evil machinations of the IT support desk rota that robbed them of Aaron Barwick and Andy Hoole, they were further rocked by the absence  of Mike Ewen whose withdrawal from the squad was late to the point of rudeness. However, there was some good news  – and this was more controversial than a Rio Ferdinand tweet  – the return of Kickers stalwart nay multi award winning legend – Mr Robert Sherratt!!! Oh yes – -he was back – the spectacle wearing man with the “goalden” boots – but did still he have it?

With Gary Moore still recovering from his wedding day exertions and nominating himself as sub, the rest of the team virtually picked itself. “Ned” Kelly was back in goals, Richard Bayliss and Tony Ward formed the defensive wall, the Pauls (Andrews and Chin) made up the midfield with Sherratt restored up front to see if he could recapture former glories.

The pace of the game was frenetic from the start with both teams pouring forward in search of the opening goal. Straight from the kick off  the Kickers retained possession intelligently with all five outfield players contributing. It culminated in a sharp interchange between Paul Andrews and Richard Bayliss who upon finding himself in the opposition box in the vicinity of the ball promptly suffered a leg paralysing rush of blood to the head and the chance was gone.

Next Faz released a team mate with a typically pinged cross-field ball. Latching onto it, the Falcons forward dribbled his way into the Kickers box, past an off balance Tony Ward and somehow slid the ball under Ned Kelly in goals. Fortunately for the Kickers the ball glanced the near post and trickling along the goal line was calmly cleared by the covering Bayliss before it could go in. Phew!

Half time: The Kickers 0-0 Facilities Falcons

Happy with the 1st half performance and  unwilling to change things at half time despite the protests of Bayliss that he needed a breather, Gary Moore sent out the same starting six for the resumption of hostilities. And before long Moore’s tactical hunch was proved right  – Tony Ward, who, in the first half, had been more defensive than a Theresa May press conference on the G4S Olympics security fiasco, suddenly took it upon himslef to gallop down the left wing. Why? Well Tony is a well known fantasist and prone to the odd delusion of grandeur and in this case believed himself to be an old fashioned left winger. Yet to everyone’s surprise, Tone looked up and  pulling back his leg, delivered the cross of a lifetime which bisected the Facilities defence and landed with mathematical precision squarely onto the head of the onrushing Paul Andrews who nodded in from point blank range. (In the after match post mortem, when asked if he had meant it, Tony insisted he had and that he had indeed started out life as a left winger – all together now…CHINNY RECKON!!!!)

Inspired by Tony’s party piece, Gary Moore threw himself on in place of Paul Chin and immediately was earning himself an assist statistic (even if it was just ever so tenuous). A loose looking cross from the right by Gary somehow crept under the foot of the covering Facilities defender and was pounced on quicker than the press on a Boris Johnson soundbite by Robert Sherratt who steered the ball into the net for number two. Did someone question earlier whether Robert still had it? Hang your head in shame for the Master has returned.

Click below for Boris Johnson’s unique welcome to the London Olympics 2012

Suddenly it was if someone had given the “fire at will” command as the Kickers rained in shots at the opposition goal. Gary Moore went through one on one with the keeper but was unable to hit the target. However he made amends moments later when a wonderful through ball from Sherratt released Gary again and he made no mistake this time creating some space for himself with a nice little shimmy before blasting the ball into the top corner.

Facilities suddenly had the look of a side who didn’t know their North Korea from their South Korea flags and resorted to long range pot shots and moaning at the ref.

No doubt Boris had something to do with this

Even luck deserted them when former Kickers hero but now dirty traitor Big Al Hewett diverted a goal- bound Faz shot past the post. Having lost their discipline they then lost their shape and the Kickers picked them off with deadly accuracy – the fourth goal coming when a Paul Andrews pass found Sherratt in acres of space and he calmly slotted home.

It was a massive win and set the Kickers up nicely for their final game against deadly enemies and title rivals IECS HIFI. For Facilities …well they still had their nice new kit …and the Olympics to look forward to.

Full time The Kickers 4-0 Facilities Falcons


Paul Andrews

Gary Moore

Robert Sherratt (2)

How they performed:

John Kelly: Saw very little action due to the wayward shooting of the opposition but did what he had to well including one full length dive to his right in the second half. Reassuring presence as ever. 7/10

Olympic counterpart: The medal podium – not very exciting but essential. Just as it wouldn’t be the Olympics without it, the Kickers wouldn’t be the Kickers without Ned


Tony Ward: To see Tony rolling back the years and sprinting down the left wing to deliver a peach of a cross for the first goal was simply marvellous. Never caught out at the back either with some impeccably timed challenges 8/10

Olympic counterpart: Boris Johnson – bumbling buffoon most of the time but can be relied upon for moments of inspiration (see Ping Pong speech at the Beijing Olympics, Olympics welcome video etc etc)


Richard Bayliss: Slightly overshadowed by the towering performance of fellow defender Tony Ward but nevertheless had one of his better days. Good support play combined with some crisp passing AND that goal line clearance -not bad, not bad at all . 7/10

Olympic counterpart: Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards – Famously incompetent at his chosen sport – so much so that the IOC heightened the entry requirements to stop this sort of thing happening again. Still who needs sporting prowess when you have a talent for self promotion?


Paul Chin: Failed to make a lasting impression on the midfield but certainly wasn’t out of his depth. Still no sign of a goal despite numerous long distance efforts. Ended the game on the sidelines which kind of summed up his afternoon as he was rather sidelined by the goalscoring exploits of his fellow attackers. 6/10

Olympic counterpart: GB Olympic football team – largely ignored by UK footy fans, Paul was also strangely anonymous in midfield despite his obvious quality.


Paul Andrews: Despite those ludicrous leg accessories, this was another tasty performance from Paul. A second goal in as many games and some diligent defensive cover in his own half too. 8/10 

Olympic counterpart: Flo-Jo – still considered the fastest woman of all time but better known for her ridiculously long and colourful finger nails.


Gary Moore: Those resignation blues are firmly behind him now – couldn’t help but get involved in the action and was rewarded for his enthusiasm with a goal. 7/10

Olympic counterpart: Lord Coe – some say there would be no London Olympics without him. Others say he is a preposterous meglo- maniac. Which one are you Gary?


Robert Sherratt: Glorious return for the big fella. Showed his quality with two goals and an assist in his first outing of the season. 8/10 Man of the Match

Olympic counterpart: Sir Steve Redgrave – multi medal winning legend who after  winning the 1996 Olympic Gold Medal stated if anyone found him close to a rowing boat again they could shoot him. Fortunately Robert has yet to make any such severe announcements re: 6 – a-side football.

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