Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 1-1 Facilities Falcons
June 20, 2012, 8:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

2012 will always be a special year in this blogger’s heart as my beloved Chelsea finally got their hands on that infernal Champions League trophy – and no I didn’t care that it was by playing some of the most defensive football ever witnessed to thwart the patently more gifted and stylish Barcelona and Bayern Munich teams.

Have that! Drogba’s penalty secures the Champions League for Chelsea.

Indeed, Chelsea seem to have started a trend for this type of thing – witness England v France in their opening Euros game. And it didn’t stop there…even those artisans of the beautiful game Spain played without a recognised striker against Italy.However all these examples of success through ugly football were eclipsed by the gargantuan mis-match that was The Kickers v Facilities Falcons last Friday.

This hastily arranged fixture following the previous week’s postponement meant that the Kickers were missing their entire cohort of attack-minded players. No Paul Chin, no Paul Andrews, no Andy Hoole, no Robert Sherratt and despite his best efforts to re-write the IT desk rota, no Aaron Barwick. Yes dear reader…I know….who did that leave? Only the six bravest players ever to pull on the sacred Kickers jersey. Step forward to take your rightful place in the 6-a-side footballing hall of fame….

  1. Ned Kelly
  2. Wayne Thompson
  3. Gary Thompson
  4. Richard Bayliss
  5. Tony Ward
  6. Mike Ewen

Note these names well for they performed such heroics that would shame even Jason and his bleedin’ argonauts. Capturing  a golden fleece from the many -headed hydra was a piece of piss compared to repelling the monstrous Faz and his army of skeletons (well the traitorous Al Hewett and some other blokes actually).

The Facilities team prepare to do battle. Alan Hewett has lost some more weight hasn’t he?

So depleted were the Kickers ranks that there was even a rumour doing the rounds that yesterday’s man Chris Awre was to make a comeback. In the end it proved to be nothing more than a myth. There would be no Shevchenko-esqe swansong to remind us of past glories but instead just some excuse about hay fever and not really feeling up to it. However, there was some good news concerning absent Kickers as manager Gary Moore returned to the touchline after his recent illness to support the lads.

With no obvious choice to play up front, Mike Ewen assumed the role on the basis that he was the youngest Kickers player on the pitch. The ever willing Tony Ward was to try and offer support with Richard Bayliss acting as his midfield partner. The Thompson twins Wayne and Gary volunteered to “hang around at the back” with Ned Kelly the custodian of the nets. As attacking line-ups go it was up there with Scotland’s infamous 4-6-0 formation v the Czech Republic in 2011.

Within 10 seconds of the kick off the Kickers imploded in calamitous fashion. Mike Ewen played the ball back to Wayne Thompson who seemed  genuinely surprised to see the ball at his feet. Unsure what to do Wayne looked around for options only to see his team-mates paralysed with a similar fear of all things spherical. Even big bruv Gary turned his back on his younger sibling with a “you’re on your own with this one our kid” look on his face. Wayne did they only thing he could – he panicked. His rushed clearance fell straight to Faz who cracked a vicious drive at Ned Kelly in the Kickers goal. Although initially striking the upright, the ball cannoned of a prone Ned’s shoulder and straight into the back of the net. A goal down in the first minute!

The Irish team were so bad their fans finally had to turn their backs on them…what? oh …sorry…just another “Poznan” then.

After this confidence-crushing start the Kickers boys were all over the place. Passes were hurriedly mis-directed, possession cheaply surrendered and positional sense as absent as a Roy Keane compliment about Trapattoni’s tactics… (or indeed Shay Given’s goalkeeping, Robbie Keane’s finishing, the Irish fans singing and the taste of Guinness –  this bloke is Irish right?)

Facilities had got in a ringer by the name of Tom who Dickiebliss knows for a fact is a good 10 years younger than at least half the Kickers team and he was giving an especially beleaguered Bayliss a torrid time. However, the footballing gods watching that lunchtime were in a benevolent mood and took pity on the puny Kickers players and allowed half time to be reached without further damage to the scoreline.

Half-time: The Kickers 0-1 Facilities Falcons

A tactical switch was made for the 2nd half with stand-in goalkeeper Wayne Thompson swapping with Ned Kelley. With Bayliss reverting to his usual right defence position, Ned was to add some fresh legs to the midfield.

The relentless Facilities attacks threatened to overwhelm the Kickers who were permanently camped in their own half. At one point they even seemed to have developed a new style of football never before witnessed – playing backwards – at least that ‘s what it seemed like such was the lack of forward motion into the opposition’s half.

And then… in keeping with Chelsea’s Champions League winning style, the Kickers conjured a goal  seemingly from nowhere. Positioned out on the right hand touchline Mike Ewen played the pass of his life into the path of Tony Ward who entered the penalty box, rolled the defender covering him and slotted a perfect finish beyond the keeper and into the net.

Tony revealed afterwards that the shock of scoring had been too much for his ageing bowels and he subsequently soiled himself with excitement ( and indeed excrement). Danish striker Nicolas Bendtner was fined £80,000 for exposing his underpants with a betting firm’s name written on them after scoring against Portugal in the Euros. Anyone know what the fine is for actually shitting your pants after scoring?

The view after the game was that Tony’s goal was very similar to Gary Lineker’s strike vs West Germany at Italia 90. However, the following bit of Lineker footage seems more appropriate to this blogger….

The rest of the game saw the Kickers defending furiously to retain their draw. This was some of the bravest rearguard action ever witnessed as shots were blocked, tackles made and clearances hoofed anywhere. The facilities players grew ever more frustrated with their inability to find a winner and started to moan to the ref at every decision that went against them. But fortune favours the brave and none were braver than those six Kickers players that lunchtime. The referee’s final whistle saw them earn the most unlikely of points.

Full-time: The Kickers 1-1 Facilities Falcons. 

Scorer: Tony Ward

How they performed:

1. Ned Kelly: Performed honourably both in and out of goals. Not to blame for his OG. 7/10

If he were a team in the Euros 2012 he would be: 

Germany – can always be relied upon to get it right in the big games


2. Wayne Thompson: Literally had a game of two halves. More comfortable as goalkeeper  than outfield. Second half clean sheet means he has yet to concede a goal this season. 7/10

If he were a team in the Euros 2012 he would be:

England – tremendous spirit, very little ability.

3. Gary Thompson: Usual stuff from Gaz – At least he didn’t  stink the place out this week though – that honour belonged to Tony Ward’s shorts. 7/10

If he were a team in the Euros 2012 he would be:

Italy – as predictable as a Balotelli tantrum.


4. Richard Bayliss: Folly of trying to play in midfield was cruelly exposed. Contributed some nuisance value when returning to his usual right back position. 6/10

If he were a team in the Euros 2012 he would be:

Republic of Ireland – had no right being there in the first place.


5. Tony Ward: Unlikely goal hero – and what a goal. Who knew? 8/10 MotM

If he were a team in the Euros 2012 he would be:

Greece  – still alive and kicking somehow


6. Mike Ewen: Strong performance topped off with his goal-making pass. 7/10

If he were a team in the Euros 2012 he would be:

Portugal – always talked up as being better than they actually are but finally coming good

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