Dickiebliss’s Blog


The Kickers 1-5 Facilities
March 12, 2012, 9:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yaay..the 6-a-side league is back!

Err…not quite. This was a hastily arranged Friday lunchtime friendly..no team strip or owt…

No team strip – was it skins against shirts then?

Heavens no!!! The lads had their Mars Just Play bibs on over their individual shirts – so mercifully no sign of any flesh – middle age spread and all that…

I see…so what happened then?

They lost 5-1

Oi arsey! I can see the score for myself. Any chance of a quick match report?

The lads said they didn’t want one..given the result and all.

Sod that! Let’s have it…

But I promised….

Dickiebliss…the purveyor of truth and justice silenced by the deflated egos of a bunch of middle-aged losers? Say it ain’t so…

Well maybe I could just give them some marks out of 10 then…

That’s the spirit….what harm could that do?

Yes you’re right…Dickiebliss cannot be censored or sanitised… print and be damned and all that…

(Sound of hands being rubbed followed by a schadenfraude-filled chuckle)


Tony Ward: Tony, Tony , Tony (sound of tutting)…our Tone produced a performance so full of ineptitude even the dire AVB looked god-like in comparison. Wrong options were gleefully chosen time after time much to the chagrin of his agonised team-mates. The whole spectacle was encapsulated in one memorable piece of action where Tone decided he couldn’t be bothered to jump for a cross aimed in his direction just because it wasn’t  planted on a sixpence directly onto his forehead and remained rooted to the spot as the opposition chased and gathered the loose ball. Very much like the lethargy Man Utd’s Fabio displayed versus Athletic Bilbao the other night. At least that was funny… 4/10

 Mike Ewen: “Mr Magic” – played for the opposition for most of the game (as they were a man down) and looked a a half decent player (even scoring with a header). However, once restored to the Kickers ranks he performed a disappearing trick David Copperfield would have struggled to better with a totally anonymous showing only to reappear in the final reveal as a footballing version of Tiny Winky  clearing a Faz bound shot of the line whilst holding his kit bag in his left hand. 6/10

Andy Hoole: Struggling with a recurrence of an ankle injury early on, Andy looked a bit rusty  – not so much RVP as Rip Van Winkle. However, he did produce a stunning long range effort that fair flew into the bottom corner of the net to spare the Kickers from the shame of a nil in the goals for column. 7/10

Aaron Barwick: Debut boy Aaron struggled to come to terms with the raw..ahem..talent on display from his team-mates and no amount of cajoling and instruction from him was going to make any difference to their performance. Encouragingly for The Kickers, Aaron seemed as desperate as David Hay for a re-match immediately after the final whistle .Things could get explosive with this guy in the team…. 6/10

Gary Moore: Look – if you let 5 goals in you can’t expect a decent write-up can you? To be fair to Gary, he couldn’t really be blamed for any of them but his decision not to bring the team kit for the match and forcing the lads to wear bibs meant a point deducted from his marks out of 10.  5/10

Paul Chin: As The Kickers looked amongst their ranks moments before kick off, the reassuring presence of Chinny as their bit of quality shone through the gloom. It turned out to be as misleading as a Roman Abramovich vote of confidence when Paul gave a lacklustre showing that tarnished his previous greatness. Failed to get his legs working and needed too many touches when in possession. An ailment that he explained after the game as having something to do with “penis cramp”? Ooer missus etc to fade…! 5/10

Gary Thompson: On his Arsenal debut, legendary donkey Tony Adams was given a piece of advice by his (and England’s then) left back Kenny Sansom which was “Right you know what to do if the ball comes anywhere near you don’t you? Get rid of it upfield as quickly as you can.” 25 years later and this model of “AVE IT!” football is still being regularly deployed by another well known ass….5/10

Richard Bayliss: Taking up his favoured right back position, Bayliss barely touched the ball for the first 15 mins as he struggled to keep up with the pace of the game. Eventually awoke from his stupor to provide a decent impression of that well known Chelsea right back….oh that’s right they don’t have one either do they? 5/10


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