Dickiebliss’s Blog


The Kickers 0-2 HUBS
October 17, 2011, 9:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

What’s this then? Thought the 6-a-side season hadn’t started yet. Well it hasn’t dear reader but this was something different …this was The Kickers in full on 11-a-side action.

WHAT?!!  11-a-side ? With a full size pitch, 90 minutes and a ref? No of course not a ref (never has been, never will be). But the other two were present and correct.

What madness is this? Well it seemed a good idea at the time……at least that’s what the gathering Kickers troops were thinking as they assembled at the 3G pitches at 6.45 pm on Sunday night.

Sunday? Oh yes, you had to be fully committed if you wanted in on this one and committed they should be some of the lads were thinking as they suddenly realised who their opponents were.

That youthful, athletic bunch of blokes standing over there? Oh s**t...

But hang on…have The Kickers even got 11 players? Well…there were a few faces in the ranks that looked like they didn’t belong but were yet strangely familiar.

Isn’t that Arthur from the Sports Centre and that bloke over there looks very much like John Harvey, IECS HIFI stalwart and sworn enemy of The Kickers? Yes it is but tonight (Matthew) he’s going to be a Kicker thus fulfilling a long held ambition (come on John, we all know you’d rather be a Kicker than a HIFI). And anyway he brought along his mate Chris to be goalkeeper so we’ll forgive his past indiscretions just this once.

And the talkative Scouser lining up at right back? That’s Michael Ewen.

Michael Owen? Bloody hell! I know he’s struggling to get a game at Man U but this really is falling through the leagues isn’t it? Ewen not Owen…newly transferred from the History Centre and drafted straight into the team after one impressive Tuesday lunch time trial. 

Please Mr Ferguson..can I play this week? Nay chance sonny!

I suppose the rest of them are the usual suspects then? You betcha! All your favourites were there….Gary Moore, Tony Ward (plus son Luke as unofficial ball boy), Paul Andrews, Chinny, Big Al Hewett, Andy ‘The Hammer” Thompson, Nige Cass…

Blimey Cassy? Really? Yup

Bet they had their kit on then as well? Oh yes – looking very smart in their blue shirts. Dazzling under the glare of the floodlights they were….

Floodlights? Well it was a 7.00pm kick off in mid October….

So the official line up was?

  • GK: Chris
  • RB: Michael Ewen
  • CH: Tony Ward
  • CH: Richard Bayliss
  • LB: Sports Centre Arfa
  • LM: Andy Thompson
  • CM: Paul Chin
  • CM: Paul Andrews
  • RM: Alan Hewett
  • FWD: Andy Hoole
  • FWD: John Harvey
  • Subs: Gary Moore, Nigel Cass.

So what happened? Andy Hoole kicked off to John Harvey who passed to Paul Andrews who knocked it sideways to Paul Chin…

Just give me the highlights OK? Oh sorry…well it was a tight affair to begin with. The young legs of the HUBS team were seriously testing The Kickers ageing back line (combined age 181..no seriously I’ve just added it up with a calculator..it was 181). but Arfa’s uncanny positioning sense got The Kickers out of trouble more times than there were candles on his last birthday cake. 

Old fella is he? Some respect for your elders please! Arfa was a rock offering reassurance to the enthusiastic loose cannon that was Tony Ward and the shaky looking Richard Bayliss beside him. 

Tony Ward and Richard Bayliss were the centre half pairing? Yes…what are you intimating?

Nothing…carry on…Well it was all going fine until Tone (bless him) decided that the best way to deal with an incoming ball across the penalty box was to effect a perfect Harlem Globetrotters impression and controlled it not just with his hand but by rolling it down his forearm, then his elbow and finally he span the bloody thing on his finger before slam dunking the ball on the penalty spot and shouting “HANDBALL REF!”

Click below to see Tony in action

Penalty? All day long..good work Tone! Despite a tremendous effort from Chris the Keeper, the ball squirmed under his right arm and nestled in the back of the net.

Half-time: The Kickers 0-1 HUBS

Any half time subs? Bayliss threw in the towel almost immediately complaining of a poorly toe and Andy Hoole had a rather more genuine looking sore heel so had to come off. Andy Thompson dropped to defence with Gary Moore taking his place in midfield whilst Nige Cass went up front.

Nige Cass? Really? Yes I’ve told you once…Nige Cass …straight up.

What did he have to say for himself? Plenty… about the lack of sweat in the shirt he pulled on from the departing Bayliss.

Meaning? Let’s just say that Nige was less than impressed with the shift Bayliss had put in. Apparently Carlos Tevez worked up more of a sweat when he refused to move his arse off the Man City bench the other week. 

Fancy a game Carlos? Tevez would rather sit and stew. That explains his funny looking head then.

Lazy tosser…so what happened in the 2nd half? Only the most controversial incident ever witnessed in a Kickers game…

Did Big Al Hewett get his jock strap out again? No…controversial I said, not terrifying. A Gary Moore snapshot was turned onto the post by the HUBS keeper and it span tantalisingly along the goal line….

GOAL! Unfortunately not. The keeper dragged it back from behind the line and the game carried on.

WHAT? I know…nobody had a definitive view and the keeper, who we now know to be one Michael Nolan of Economics, wouldn’t come clean, later sending an e-mail out saying he didn’t know if the ball had crossed the line as he was still disorientated from a collision with one of his own defenders moments earlier.

What did the ref say? Ref shmef. Weren’t  you listening before? Ref indeed!

Oh yeah…how did The Kickers react? Well it all kicked off then didn’t it? Bad tackles were flying in, players squaring up to each other, effing and jeffing…

Effing and jeffing? I thought there were children in the crowd? Yes Tony Ward’s lad Luke. He said he heard worse from his Dad down the KC stadium last week though. 

Any more goals? Just the one – a lucky deflection that looped over Chris the keeper and into the net. The HUBS players celebrated like it was the winner in the World Cup final. 

Seems a bit over the top…like a Joey Barton tackle 

So that was that then? Well…there was that bizarre 2 min cameo when Bayliss came back on the pitch…

I though he had cried off at half time? He did but then Big Al Hewett was injured in injury time…

That’s what is there for I suppose… very drole. Anyway Bayliss had already put his civvies clothes back on thinking he wouldn’t be needed and had to play in his burgundy jumper for the the last few moments. 

Well jumpers for goalposts and all that….Arf, Arf (so good they named him twice)

Full time: The Kickers 0-2 HUBS


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