Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 3-3 IECS HIFI (friendly fixture)
September 21, 2011, 8:30 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

After a Summer of Tuesday lunchtime kick-a-bouts, The Kickers finally had a proper fixture albeit just a friendly. How did we know this was the real thing? Well the boys were in their full kit for one and secondly a 9 man squad had turned up for this game. Middle aged men just cannot resist even the merest hint of competitive edge  – there is nothing more certain in the world  – except perhaps that the Strictly Come Dancing line-up will feature at least one no-mark D-lister you’ve never heard of.

Erstwhile rivals IECS HIFI were the opposition but they could only muster a team of 5 so The Kickers had to lend them 2 players so a 7-a-side game could begin. Paul Chin and John ‘Ned” Kelly were the nominated traitors with the promise that they would be loaned back to the Kickers in the second half. It was a complicated arrangement that would have rivalled the Tevez/West Ham saga back in 2007 – indeed we still do not know who now owns John Kelly’s image rights and there is apparently a lot of work out there for Dave Spikey lookalikes.

Click below for rare behind -the -scenes footage of John Kelly in the Kickers changing room

The Kickers were missing their two best players from last season with the multi-award winning Paul Andrews and Andy Hoole on their holidays but there was still a vast array of experience on display. The sad news that Wayne Thompson had officially retired from active football duty meant Gary Moore was still stuck in goals whether he liked it or not (for the record he didn’t). At the back were regular defenders Richard Bayliss and Gary Thompson whilst a (very) solid looking midfield was stocked by Tony Ward and Big Al Hewett. A strike force of Robert Sherratt and young Blake Mace looked positively full of goals.

 Kick off  – The Kickers get the game under way looking very smart in their all white kit. The rain clouds hover above but no matter how hard you look there is no club crest shaped portent like Wolves fans witnessed this week. The lads are going to have to win this one without divine help.

Spot the difference - conclusive evidence that God is a Wolves fan

 1min – GOAL! Who needs God when you’ve got Blake Mace! The Kickers forward latches onto a disastrous Paul Chin back pass and slams a shot into the net. The Chinster feels many a mistrusting look burrowing into the back of his head from his temporary HIFI team-mates.

The Kickers 1-0 IECS HIFI

5 mins – Manager Gary Moore feels the need to offer his defenders some sharp words about taking their time on the ball. There’s more composure, judgement and considered decision-making in an e-mail from disgraced ex-Man City chief exec Garry Cook than there is in the Kickers defence at the moment.

10 mins – GOAL! Told you there were goals in this Kickers strike force. Robert Sherratt is at it now latching onto an Alan Hewett through ball to notch another one for his collection. Natch.

The Kickers 2-0 IECS HIFI

 17 mins – GOAL! Disaster strikes as HIFI forward JB shoots from distance but somehow the ball manages to squirm between Gary Moore’s knees with just enough force to bellyflop over the goal line. JB looks embarrassed, Gary Moore even more so. Even the football raises a hand in apology  as if to say “Ah, what can you do?”

The Kickers 2-1 IECS HIFI

 Confusion reigns as we have the denouement of the 2 player loan deal. Blake Mace is the makeweight in the negotiation that sees Paul Chin and Jon Kelly return to the Kickers fold but Ned starts the half between the sticks as HIFI goalkeeper. Before things get more surreal than an Ian Holloway press conference, Ned is literally frogmarched to the Kickers half and told which way to face (can somebody do the same for Fernando Torres at Chelsea please?).

Half-time score: The Kickers 2-1 IECS HIFI

28 mins – Brilliant work from John Kelly as he clears a goal-bound HIFI effort of his own goal line. The biggest Phew! of all time…well…at least since Fergie saw the name Torres and not Drogba on the Chelsea team sheet last Sunday.

 30 mins –  What a miss! Kickers defender Richard Bayliss finds himself stranded in the opposition half for some inexplicable reason but as a HIFI move breaks down the ball works its way out to the busy Alan Hewett on the right wing who delivers a pinpoint cross onto the toe of Bayliss who is suddenly Johnny-on-the-spot. At last  – it must be a Bayliss goal and like Fernando Torres it’s been years since we have seen one  – but also like Torres on Sunday, when it looked harder to miss than score, somehow Richard manages to do just that and produces a huge air-shot and connects with nothing at all as the ball flashes past him.

Click below for the FiFA 11 edition of that Torres miss in full 

 35 mins – Brilliant! Alan Hewett displays superb nonchalance as he casually guides a backwards header into the path of a team-mate with the impudence of opposition fans favourite the immensely rich, handsome and gifted Cristiano Ronaldo (his words not mine).

 38 mins – GOAL! It’s all square as HIFI forward Richard Something-or-other ghosts into the space left by a dawdling Bayliss who is still sauntering to get back into position after his upfield jaunt @ 30 mins and latches onto a huge upfield punt and leathers the ball into the Kickers net.

The Kickers 2-2 IECS HIFI

 39 mins – GOAL! 2 goals in a minute as the Kickers defence disintegrates. There is no-one within 10 feet of giant HIFI beanpole Luca who smacks a loose ball into the corner of the net. The Kickers are fading as fast as Frank Lampard’s England career.

The Kickers 2-3 IECS HIFI

 40 mins – Tactical change as goalkeeper Gary Moore swaps with John Kelly and goes straight up front in search of the equaliser. It’s as desperate as Jedward trying to hang onto their ounce of fame at the moment.

 47 mins – GOAL! YEEESS!!!! Some quality approach work from that most unlikely of sources Tony Ward ends with a lovely disguised pass through to Gary Moore who justifies his decision to play outfield with a finish as measured as a Gary Barlow put down. BRAP!

The Kickers 3-3 IECS HIFI

 Its all over and an honourable draw for The Kickers. 6 goals and more entertainment than a night out dwarf-throwing with the England rugby team to boot.

Final score: The Kickers 3-3 IECS HIFI

Scorers: Blake Mace, Robert Sherratt, Gary Moore

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