Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 3-6 SHES Electric (Friendly Fixture)
February 28, 2011, 11:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

According to Wikipedia, the word “comeback” describes the process whereby a public figure or entertainer returns to popularity after a period of decline with the term predominately being used in politics, sports and entertainment.

History is littered with such occurrences; from the world of music there is Elvis’s 1968 comeback TV special where a slimmed down Presley dressed in a killer black leather look successfully kick starts a flagging career whilst simoultaneously inventing the “unplugged” format later popularised by MTV.

The universe of entertainment offers us the curious case of Steve Austin aka TV’s The Six Million Dollar Man; a fictional astronaut severely injured in a seemingly fatal experimental plane crash who is “rebuilt” in a title-giving operation that costs at least six million dollars with bionic parts. Austin is iconically described in the opening sequence voice over as “Better than he was before. Better…stronger…faster”. Better you say? Funny that as every episode Dickiebliss can recall involved Austin picking up tree trunks in slow motion whilst maintaining a look of utter constipation on his face. How is that better? Maybe the trauma of the crash caused poor Steve to subsequently suffer from bowel evacuation problems and the bionics were meant to remedy the situation by acting as a laxative. Bionic laxatives? There must be a market for it don’t you think? [ Let’s move on  – toilet humour ed].

And finally from the football arena, who can forget the stunning return of Eric Cantona in his comeback game versus Liverpool following his 8 month ban imposed for his impromptu Hong Kong Fooey impression in 1995. For the record, Cantona made one and converted a penalty before celebrating with some nifty pole dancer moves (so that’s what he got up to in those 8 months off).

Click link below to witness Cantona’s return including the usual ridiculous Fergie outrage at the length of the ban at 0:23. Rooney didn’t forearm smash Wigan’s James McCarthy at the weekend either did he Fergie?!

Last Friday lunchtime saw the latest example of this phenomenon with the return to the 6-a-side pitch of Kickers stalwart Richard Bayliss. Richard had not played for The Kickers since 12th Nov 2010 due to a torn cartilage injury but even with keyhole surgery pending, the admirable Bayliss offered his services to a team struggling for players. Indeed The Kickers had not played for a month with two games postponed due to lack of players.

The 6 million dollar man and his adversary Bigfoot - hang on - is that you Tony Ward?

And so it came to pass that Bayliss once again felt the thrill of pulling on the sacred Kickers jersey and undertaking the hallowed tradition of non-sensical and medically inadvisable warm-up routines.As it happened, due to an electrical fault at the sports centre, there were no changing rooms or showers available for the players and so Bayliss and the rest of The Kickers had to suffer the indignity of getting changed on the touchline (sorry ladies – no photos available!). And that wasn’t the only thing not available as the scheduled league game against Facility Falcons had to be postponed as the Falcons couldn’t raise more than 2 players. Left with the prospect of no game, Gary Moore asked the SHES Electric boys who had just completed their game minutes before if they fancied a kickabout and so a hastily arranged friendly match was on with SHES Electric plus Sam and Faz from Facilty Falcons the opponents.

As for The Kickers line-up…well, let’s just say the squad is suddenly looking a bit thin. Here is the full list of players currently carrying injuries/unavailable:

  1. Alan Hewett – stomach muscle injury *
  2. Nigel Cass – unspecified ailment*
  3. BLAKE MACE! – calf injury
  4. Paul Andrews – injured and too busy at work too boot
  5. Wayne Thompson  – on holiday
  6. Carl Barrow – fractured elbow
  7. Robert Sherratt – dodgy knee*
  8. Tony Ward – dodgy everything*
  9. Richard Bayliss – torn knee cartilage**
  10. John Higham – AWOL

*  too old

**  too s**t

Despite the litany of ailments, both teams managed to get muster 8 players and so an 8-a-side format was agreed by the respective managers. The Kickers included two new(ish) boys in their ranks. Up front was IT-boy Andy Hoole, a young whipper- snapper in the Carlos Tevez mould and at the back Gary Thompson’s cousin (University affilation unknown), a good old-fashioned stopper. The pitch-side bookies made SHES odds-on favourites for this one seeing as they were ..well… to continue the Steve Austin theme…Better…stronger…faster….and crucially younger.

The Spanish Inquisition - their chief weapon is surprise - that and Andy Hoole's finishing

And yet…The Kickers seemed strangely inspired by the galvanising return of Bayliss and fashioned the opening goal when Andy Thompson latched onto a loose ball and steered a pass in the direction of Andy Hoole who finished expertly. “They weren’t expecting that” crowed Gary Moore in goals. In fairness there was more chance of the Spanish inquisition turning up than The Kickers taking the lead (and nobody expects the Spanish inquisition).

Meanwhile, at the other end of the pitch, returning hero Bayliss seemed to be moving very gingerly and had resorted to ambling around The Kickers penalty box in ever-decreasing circles like a clockwork Steve Austin action figure with 2 left feet.The Kickers defence couldn’t afford to carry any passengers and inevitably SHES equalised before halftime.

Half-time: The Kickers 1-1 SHES Electric

The interval revealed that Kickers legend Tony Ward had pulled up with a knee twinge and could only carry on by playing in goals with Gary Moore playing outfield. Now we all love Tony but with the greatest will in the world, he just isn’t a goalkeeper. Robert Sherratt offered some calming reassurance by saying “Tony, all we ask is that you put your body on the line at every opportunity”. Sounds reasonable.

Despite Tony’s best efforts, the goals soon started to fly in and The Kickers found themselves 1-5 behind in no time. But this blog is all about comeback’s isn’t it Dickiebliss? Is there no hope of a revival? Yes The Kickers are down but not out surely? Never let it be said that this blog doesn’t deliver. You want comebacks, you want Kickers goals? Here comes one…and it’s that man Andy Hoole bursting through a crowd of players to poke a shot into the net via the keeper’s legs. POW! You want more? Well do ya? Here’s another one then…Robert Sherratt pouncing on a loose ball in the box delivers a snapshot salvo on the turn. BACK OF THE NET! One more? Yeah? OK…oh this one is from SHES (a fancy back-heel finish from Faz)…sorry…that’s it. The onion bag is officially empty (or full depending how you look at it).

Full-time: The Kickers 3-6 SHES Electric

Scorers: Andy Hoole (2), Robert Sherratt

How they performed:

Gary Moore: Didn’t do anything wrong between the sticks in the first half but lacked any real cutting edge when deployed outfield in the second. Gary’s dilemma is that he doesn’t really want to play in goals but with Wayne Thompson currently as likely to make an apperance as a West Brom clean sheet, he feels he has little choice and given the performance of custodian Tony Ward you can see his point. What Gary needs is some sort of authority figure to give Wayne a good talking to, someone elder and wiser whom he respects to show him the error of his freakish body-building ways… say an elder sibling?  Come on Gaz – do it for the team!6/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Billy Thomson aka Billy the Fish

Billy was born half-man half- fish but still managed to have a successful career as goalkeeper by inexplicably being able to float 5 feet above the ground and pull off dramatic saves by propelling himself with his fins and tail. He played for Fulchester Utd whose various signings included Shakin’ Stevens, Mick Hucknall and a pair of conjoined twins, whose goals counted double. Hang about – conjoined twins, whose goals counted double? Quick grab Gary and Wayne Thompson and bring that gaffer tape with you. I feel a cunning plan coming on.

Gary Thompson: Usual performance from Gaz – there really are only so many ways of saying that Gary kicked anything that moved within 2 feet of him. How about “he was relentlessly determined in his clearances” or “he was unyielding in his tackling”…actually I think I’ll just say it again…Gary kicked anything that moved within 2 feet of him. 6/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Jack Chelsey aka Jack of United

Jack was one half of footballing brothers Jack and Jimmy Chelsey. Jack played for Castleburn United whilst his brother played for crosstown rivals Castleburn City. Jack was the straight-laced, sensible, reliable defensive midfielder who was always trying to reign in his more wayward George Best-like younger brother. Is this ringing any bells with you Gary? Actually, this comparison isn’t really working is it because Gary and younger brother Wayne are both just IT nerds aren’t they?

Gary Thompson’s cousin: Commanding performance from the well-built defender. Looked to be the only Kickers player capable of going toe-to-toe with the mighty Faz. Here’s the thing though – what is it with The Kickers and players called Thompson. Brings to mind that long forgotten comic strip Football Family Robinson which featured Thatchem United of the fourth division –  a football team with a difference, you were only allowed to play for Thatchem United if your surname was Robinson. Stupid idea, s**t team. 6/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Johnny Dexter aka The Hard Man

Johnny Dexter was a no-nonsense centre-half with a fiery temper which often got him into trouble with referees. Johnny also regularly found himself involved in off-pitch slapstick, including one memorable storyline in which he travelled to Italy to discuss signing for a top Serie A team. After rebuffing the team’s owner, he ended up in prison and then was forced to try and flee the country dressed in drag. These days we’ve got Ashley Cole for off-field japery – to be fair you can’t expect Cole to know air rifles can be dangerous – I mean how dangerous can a gun that uses air as ammunition be eh Ashley?

Andy Thompson: Found gainful employment in the middle of the park, setting up the first Kickers goal for Andy Hoole. Picked up the now obligatory bleeding knee injury by the end of the game. In fact, Andy’s bleeding knee is acquiring near legendary status. Every week without fail it makes an appearance. Every week without fail this blog mentions it. Indeed it sounds like it could be a strip cartoon in Viz  – Andy Thompson and his bleedin’ knee. You’ll chortle as Andy wonders the streets of Fulchester as his knee gets him into various first-aid related adventures. Hmm..on reflection it’s not exactly  Finbar Saunders and his Double Entendres is it? 6/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Jimmy Chelsey aka Jimmy of City

Ok – Andy isn’t Gary’s brother but he has the same surname and that seems to be what counts. Jimmy (of City) was the more flamboyant of the two Chelsey brothers, living for today and not worrying about his pension options or what the neighbours might think like brother Jack. He even once recklessly spent money on a deep-freeze for his mother. Andy also has a reckless streak in him – why just in this match he actually made a forward pass – I know – crazy mutha!

Tony Ward: Poor Tony succumbed to a knee injury in the first half which necessitated a spell in goals in the second period. Tony is to goalkeeping what Andy Gray is to feminism – it wasn’t a pretty sight (hey – isn’t that what Gray said about Sian Massey?). Note to Manager Gary Moore – this should never be allowed to happen again. 5/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Kevin Mouse aka Mighty Mouse

Mouse was a skillful First Division footballer despite the fact that he was very short, extremely overweight, and wore thick spectacles even whilst playing. He combined being a footballer with studying  as a medical student. Tony Ward, on the other hand, is an ageing 6-a-side lunchtime footballer who is very short, extremely overweight, and wears thick spectacles even whilst playing. He combines being a footballer (of sorts) with studying as an imbiber of ales at his local public house.

Richard Bayliss: God-awful – no really he was. Billed as the returning hero, the second coming if you will – Bayliss was less deity and more David Icke (self -professed son of God and best known for his theory that a secret group of reptillain humanoids controls humanity – oh and for playing in goals for Coventry City in the 70s). To be fair to Bayliss, he was virtually a dead-man walking on the pitch such was his lack of mobility due to his knee injury. Gary Moore commented that Bayliss was a bit “rusty” as Richard failed to control yet another pass – a bit rusty? Bayliss dispayed full-on corrosion of his already seriously deteriorated footballing talent. 4/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Billy Dane aka Billy’s Boots

Billy was an aspiring yet extremely poor footballer until he discovered a pair of old style football boots while cleaning his grandmother’s loft. The boots had belonged, decades before, to a famous professional footballer and magically possess special abilities which turn Billy into a fantastic football player when he wore them. Richard is just an extemely poor footballer.

Robert Sherratt: He might moan about his aching legs, he may lament his advancing years but when it comes down to it, Robert loves his football, really loves it! Seriously, he just can’t get enough of it. This week Robert played a full match knowing he would have to attend a meeting in the afternoon with a female member of staff all hot and sweaty. And that dear reader is dedication….either that or he has ongoing hygiene issues. Took his goal well though. 7/10

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Roy Race aka Roy of the Rovers

Forever young colossus of comic strip footballers. Won 10 league titles, 10 FA cups and 3 European cups during his career and is the inspiration behind the stock media phrase “real Roy of the Rovers stuff”. Has also been kidnapped 5 times, had his deadly left foot amputated and displays a liking for the music of Spandau Ballet (he signed band members Martin Kemp and Steve Norman to play for Melchester Rovers in the 80s) so the comparison isn’t all good news Robert!

Andy Hoole: Played in up front in place of the missing BLAKE MACE! and was an instant hit with his two well-taken goals. Will give manager Gary Moore some selction headaches if Blake, Paul Andrews , Robert Sherratt and now Andy are all fit at the same time. Just pipped Sheratt to the MotM award by outscoring Robert two goals to one. 7/10 Man of the Match

If he was a comic strip football character he would be: Hamish Balfour aka Hot Shot Hamish

Hamish was a gentle Hebridean  giant with the most powerful shot in the world which would often burst the goalnet and break the goalposts. He also had a pet sheep called McMutton. Andy also posseses a wickedly powerful shot and owns a pet rotweiller called Hool(e)-igan.

Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: