Dickiebliss’s Blog

The Kickers 2-3 Facility Falcons
January 25, 2011, 10:06 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

After a 2 month break due to snow, Xmas and not having a game last week, the Kickers were finally back in action on Friday lunchtime. The Kickers came into the game with an injury list as long as Man Utd’s unbeaten run with the following players all unavailable due to various ailments.

  • Carl Barrow – fractured elbow
  • Richard Bayliss – torn cartilage
  • Nigel Cass – bunions
  • John Higham -work commitments (swot)
  • Gary Moore – flu
  • Robert Sherratt – stuck in a moment he can’t get out of (well a meeting anyway)

The absence of Manger Moore was a massive blow as it meant the team were now solely in the hands of Assistant Manager Bayliss – imagine the country being run by Nick “the student’s friend” Clegg and you get the picture [This blogger would like to point out that the last comment in no way infers that Gary Moore bears any resemblance to David Cameron].

You're off! Nick Clegg issues a red card despite his favourite colour being (Tory) blue

At least Wayne Thompson was available to play as stand-in goalkeeper for Moore and there was a huge collective sigh of relief from the kickers when Paul Andrews was sighted sauntering up to the pitch minutes before kick-off.

With only 7 players available, team selection was fairly straight-forward with the only decision for Bayliss to make being who would be the substitute. In the end Andy Thompson volunteered for the role, obviously trying to keep a low profile after his controversial performance the last time out against IECS HIFI FC. So inept was Bayliss at organising his troops that it was left to Alan Hewett to issue the all-important team talk. This basically consisted of Big Al pointing out that the opposition only had one decent player and if he could be stopped , the game would be won. The only problem with Al’s plan was this – the player in question was Faz!

For the uninitiated, Faz is a lunchtime league legend – massive of both reputation and size. He single-handedly destroyed The Kickers last season 4-1 with a masterclass in finishing  – and Faz was the goalkeeper that day! True story! It would be a brave man who would volunteer to man-mark the man-mountain – brave …or possibly stupid….step forward Tony Ward, a man so old he’ll probably be in line to win this year’s Sports Personality of the Year award (well they gave it to Ryan Giggs for basically being old didn’t they?).

This is how the first half action happened, minute -by-minute:

1 min: Controversy right at the start. Tony Ward delays a clearance and, under pressure from Faz, somehow gets the ball caught under his armpit. Handball! The Falcons look towards the ref who …isn’t there. “Play on” shouts Bayliss from the sidelines and unbelievably the players do exactly that!


5 mins: GOALFLASH The Kickers 1-0 Facility Falcons

Kickers goal: Great piece of opportunism from BLAKE MACE! Paul Andrews nicks the ball off a Falcons player and nudges it to Big Al Hewett who launches the ball upfield.  Mace chases it down and beats the opposition goalkeeper to it by a split second lifting it over his head from an acute angle.

8 mins: GOALFLASH The Kickers 1-1 Facility Falcons

Falcons goal: It’s been coming. The Kickers fail to retain possession of the ball and the lethal Faz leaps (well lumbers) onto the opportunity . He picks up the loose ball and literally dances past 3 Kickers players before popping the ball past Wayne Thompson into the corner of the net. The Kickers defence look in bewilderment at each other – they literally bounced off Faz as he swept past them like a ballet-dancing rhinoceros. 

Faz celebrates his goal with an impromptu pirouette

Someone has struck the woodwork

10 mins: BLAKE MACE! goes so close to a second goal with a snap shot on the turn that rattles the far post. It’s end to end now.

11 mins:Ouch! Big AL Hewett pursues a long upfield punt and, never taking his eye off the ball, collides with the Falcons keeper and hits the deck. A dazed Al is replaced by Andy Thompson. Thank heavens it wasn’t Faz that Al ran into.

Half time

Half-time: The Kickers 1-1 Facility Falcons
Einstein once said that he felt like a small child picking pebbles on the beach whilst all the time being in the shadow of a massive mountain he could neither see nor comprehend. Einstein probably never intended to pursue a career as a football pundit but that observation perfectly describes the Kickers defence’s handling of Faz in the first half. For a big man, Faz has an uncanny knack of ghosting into positions unseen. He’s so elusive he’s like a footballing Bigfoot – is he man or myth? Click below to see footage of what appears to be a blocked shot from Blake Mace but look carefully  – at about 5 seconds in the fabled Faz is caught on camera.

Changes were required and  Bayliss replaced Gary Thompson with Hewett who was desperate to rejoin the fray.

Second half

18 mins: GOALFLASH The Kickers 1-2 Facility Falcons

Falcons goal: Pure brilliance from Faz as he unleashes a ferocious strike that has Wayne Thompson beaten all ends up. It’s a crucial time now as the Kickers need to stay strong and retain their shape and discipline. Bayliss cuts a forlorn figure on the sidelines as he has no idea how his team can handle the giant Faz who is running the show now.

20 mins: However, Paul Andrews is in no mood to be overshadowed by Faz and, dragging the game by the scruff of the neck creates a great chance for BLAKE MACE! who somehow diverts Paul’s cross wide of goal. On the touchline, Bayliss kicks his own shin in pure frustration and promptly falls over.

Someone has struck the woodwork

22 mins: More woodwork is rattled as Alan Hewett hits the base of the post with a speculative effort. So close.

23 mins: GOALFLASH The Kickers 1-3 Facility Falcons


Falcons goal: Game over? Could be. It’s that man Faz again who completes his hat-trick. The Kickers commit far too many men forward for a corner and when it breaks down, the Falcons flood upfield with only little BLAKE MACE! back as the last man in defence. How did that happen? Blake employs the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke tactic but is swamped and inevitably the tsunami-like Faz destroys Kickers hopes.

26 mins: Or has he? Paul Andrews isn’t finished yet and engineers a chance for himself from nothing only to see his goal-bound shot cleared off the line.

28 mins: More desperate last – ditch defending from the Kickers as yet another Falcons attack is finally repelled somehow by first Hewett and finally Andy Thompson. Click below to see this bit of riveting action (and a gratuitous close up of Tony Ward’s leg at the end)



30 mins: GOALFLASH The Kickers 2-3 Facility Falcons

With the very last kick of the game the tireless Hewett latches onto an Andrews break and despatches a calm finish into the bottom corner. It’s no more than the Kickers deserve but ultimately it is just a consolation.

Full-time The Kickers 2-3 Facility Falcons

Scorers: BLAKE MACE!, Alan Hewett

How they performed

Wayne Thompson: Looked slightly rusty in his first appearance between the sticks for weeks. Couldn’t really be faulted for any of the goals though. Assistant manager Bayliss was mightily relieved that Wayne turned up as the only other squad player available who has ever played as goalkeeper before was Gary Thompson …a man less likely to keep a clean sheet than Avram Grant is to win the Colgate sponsored “Mr Smiley Smile” of the year award. 6/10
If he was a boy-band he would be: Bros  – identical twin duo from the 80s – but the talented one obviously – which one was that again?

Gary Thompson: Talking of whom, here comes “the other one”. Poor old Gary always seems to get a hard time from Dickiebliss – take cover Gaz here it comes again! Struggled to combat the threat of Faz and unilaterally decided to sub himself at half time before briefly rejoining the fray late doors for a tiring Tony Ward. Had very little impact on the game. 6/10

If he was a boy-band he would be: Upside Down – manufactured quartet from the 90s. So bad even having their own BBC documentary couldn’t save them. Later re-styled themselves as Orange Orange (officially the worst band name ever). Our Gaz’s new hairstyle hasn’t improved his game as yet – how about changing your name as well Gary?

Andy Thompson: Not one of Andy’s better games. Came on for the injured Hewett in the first half but failed to impose his usual all-action style on the game. Distribution was inconsistent and failed to retain possession on occasion (sorry Andy – Dickiebliss has the footage to prove it!). Having said that, Andy did suffer the now habitual bleeding knee injury which Wayne Thompson quickly pointed out meant Andy has a WEAK knee! It was all a bit like that episode of Blackadder when Tom Baker plays the salty sea captain who insists on telling Blackadder he has “a WOMAN’S legs my lord”. 6/10

If he was a boy-band he would be: East 17 – gritty, street-wise 4 piece who rivalled Take That in the 90s. Member Brian Harvey accidentally ran himself over with his own car in 2005 and required surgical treatment. Let’s hope Andy is a bit more careful on the football pitch than that in future – the Kickers first aid box is running out of plasters for that poorly knee.

Alan Hewett: An eventful game for Al. Took a nasty knock in the first half that left him dazed and confused, but also made one goal and scored another himself. All just a normal day’s work for Al – you’d think working in Health & Safety he’d be a very cautious individual wouldn’t you? No chance – Al goes at it like a bull in a china shop or to put it in football parlance, like Andy Gray chasing a female assistant referee up and down the touchline Benny-Hill style whilst shouting “It was offside love..now… put that flag down my trousers”. 7/10 (Legal ed: The last comment is in no way a reflection on the conduct of our beloved Al who is a perfect gentleman at all times)

If he was a boy-band he would be: Westlife – Somehow they are still making records after all these years –  they should by rights be completely down the dumper by now. Unlike Al, they expend as little energy as possible in their performances, choosing to be permanently attached to their everpresent stools. The only stools in Al’s life are of the regular variety brought on by the three shredded wheat we know he eats every morning.

Tony Ward: Good old Tony, he always makes out he’s really enjoyed running himself into the ground each week and that he loves leaving the pitch a quivering mass of sweat and aches. Tony was in his element this week then as he had to defend to the point of distraction to keep Faz at bay. Another driving run by Faz was as welcome for Tony as  Andy Gray wearing a comedy pair of breasts then gate crashing a Germaine Greer dinner party and demanding she explain the offside rule to him. 6/10

If he was a boy-band he would be: Bay City Rollers – the original boy band and by original I mean oldest. A curious mixture of ankle -length tartan trousers and sugary pop songs, they were briefly the new Beatles in the 70s. It’s been a long time since Tony was the new anything but his football dress sense is certainly Rollersesque in its bizarreness – witness his tendency for a snood accessorized with a headband (full of sweat).

Paul Andrews: Another terrific effort by Paul who was determined to rival Faz as the best player on the pitch. Schemed and harried in the midfield as he valiantly tried to turn the tide in the second half. Didn’t deserve to end the game on the losing side. Man of the match (for the Kickers anyway) 8/10

If he was a boy-band he would be: Take That: The template for all modern-day boy bands to aspire to. Classy, evergreen and talented just like our Paul.

BLAKE MACE! Took his goal excellently but tired visibly towards the end of the game, retiring into defence for the final few minutes. Guilty of a couple of misses that maybe should have gone in but gave it his all as usual. 7/10

If he was a boy-band he would be: Boyzone: Hugely successful and popular beat combo from the 90s and recently reactivated but always seen as a poor man’s Take That. Too harsh do you think? Sorry Blake!

3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Too harsh!

Comment by Debbie

Hi Debbie

Thanks for your comment – I’m guessing you might be Blake’s girlfriend?

Yes – on reflection it is way too harsh – what was I thinking? I think Blake has been great for the team this year. I offer a full apology – feeling like Richard Keys a bit here.

In my defence I always give myself a hard time in the blog too!

Please don’t let my poorly judged comments put you off reading the blog – I’m away this Friday so will miss the match so there won’t be one next week but it will return.



Comment by dickiebliss

I love reading your blog Dickiebliss! I was disappointed to hear there won’t be one this week. Couldn’t you just guess what happens and write it up?

Comment by Debbie

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