Dickiebliss’s Blog


The Kickers 3-1 IECS HIFI FC (aka The Battle of Inglemire Lane)
November 30, 2010, 8:36 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

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Carl Barrow: An Apology

Last week’s blog suggested that Carl may have been…..ahem…overstating the extent of his injury sustained in the game versus SHES Electric. This blogger now accepts he was not in full possession of the medical facts and offers a full and unreserved apology to Carl who actually fractured his elbow. Carl is now out for the rest of the season and the team will miss Carl’s ability to….err….turn up each week. Get well soon Carl! ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Talk about bad-tempered…the latest Kickers win makes one of Gordon Ramsey’s expletive -filled rants look like a trembling Oliver, bowl in hand, asking if he can have some more please sir. Why so unpleasent an atmosphere? The fixture list had thrown up another meeting between these two teams only a fortnight since The Kickers had comprehensively taken their opponents apart in a 2-0 win and those IECS boys don’t take kindly to losing – especially to a bunch of shushing librarians!

Gillian McKeith is overcome after catching a glimpse of her idol BLAKE MACE!

Last season, the corresponding fixtures between these two sides had resulted in a fluky 1-0 win for IECS over an aggrieved Kickers team on the last day of the campaign and a 3-0 win for our brave lads at a time when they were bottom of the league and IECS were top (and that went down as well as Gillian McKeith going back for thirds at jungle meal time). So history shows this to be a bit of a grudge match and the latest installment was to top the lot!

Despite the overnight snow and freezing temperatures, there was no danger of this one being called off and the lunchtime sunshine actually made for a winter wonderland vista perfect for any Xmas card. There was to be no good will to all men on display here though. The Kickers were in sync with the weather in their white away kit and again turned out mob-handed with 9 players making themselves available for selection. Wayne Thompson was missing presumed in the gym whilst Tony “Widdecombe” Ward was just…missing.

However, big Nige Cass was back for the first time this season having apparently no other fish to fry this week. The still injured Richard Bayliss was in attendance for the first time in his role as assistant manager (in charge of substitutions) as was last week’s casualty Carl Barrow as offical team mascot (in charge of …err…his flask of coffee).

This Andrews/Mace/Sherratt pin badge will be available in The Kickers club shop soon

Wayne’s no-show meant manager Gary Moore was once again between the sticks while the defence was an all-Thompson affair in the shape of Gary and Andy. Up front, the Kickers went with Robert Sherratt, Paul Andrews and BLAKE MACE! – a veritable Holy Trinity of footballing talent…

…and if that sounds like pure hyperbole (Nice!  – Vocab ed), then you didn’t see the wonderfully constructed goal that Sherratt dispatched, the ball eventually going in after hitting both posts and the crossbar, following some intricate link-up play between the trio. Unfortunately neither did Dickiebliss and there is subsequently no footage of this fine goal.

Click below to see some footage Dickiebliss did manage to film – a mesmorising passage of controlled passing from The Kickers – OK it’s fairly non-descript stuff but given that Dickiebliss seems to slip over on the ice at the end of this clip, you’re lucky there’s any footage at all!

With the Kickers a goal to the good in no time, the tension between the teams started to rise and things quickly came to a head when the IECS players reacted en masse to a solid-looking challenge from Andy Thompson on their captain. With Andy in no mood for prisoners (nor apologies), the game continued and IECS’s sense of injustice was piqued when they were soon 2-0 down …to a goal from Andy Thompson! Possessor of possibly the hardest shot in the squad, Andy found himself within sight of goal and unleashed a ferocious drive into the bottom corner of the IECS net.

Meanwhile on the sidelines, assistant manager Bayliss took his first steps into the world of tactical substituions by taking off Sherratt for the so far under-used John Higham whilst Gary Thompson was replaced by Al Hewett. The Bayliss changes brought immediate dividends as Hewett played an inch-perfect through ball for BLAKE MACE! to run onto and calmly slot past the IECS keeper.

Even at 3-0 up, the Kickers did not take their foot off the pedal as demonstrated by Mace running the length of the pitch to make a rugby-style up- and- under clearance that cleared the perimeter fence and ended up in the road. Cue much Peter Kay “Ave It!” hilarity from the Kickers bench.

Click below to see BLAKE MACE’s clearance

Half-time: Kickers 3-0 IECS HIFI FC

The interval saw Bayliss fussing over the second half starting line-up like Garth Crooks getting his shorts in a twist over a late offfside flag on Final Score. In the end he went with Sherrat back on for Mace and Nigel Cass (dodgy ankle and all) on for Paul Andrews. Immediately there was another potentially explosive incident involving Andy Thompson with the IECS players to a man crying foul play as Andy clashed with an opposing striker. As the flashpoint threatened to boil over, Bayliss took the sensible decision to remove Andy from the eye of the hurricane for his own good and subbed him with Gary Thompson.

An enraged IECS team channelled their fury into their performance and pounded the Kickers goal. Hewett somehow managed to keep the ball out of the net with some goal-line acrobatics before the IECS skipper finally beat a resolute Moore with a cracking shot. John Higham then asked to be taken off having run himself into the ground and was replaced by Paul Andrews before Bayliss made his final change putting Mace back into the fray in place of a clearly disgruntled Sherratt. Next, a mazy Andrews run and shot ended with the ball somehow steadfastly refusing to cross the goal-line before being hacked clear by an IECS defender.

The IECS bench showed how much time they thought was still to be played

Finally time-keeper Bayliss brought an end to this petulant clash but even then the unpleasantness didn’t stop. One IECS player refused to accept it was full-time, insisting there was at least 90 seconds left to play by his watch and continued to play on. Bayliss stood his ground though and both sides finally left the pitch with handshakes between the two sides conspicuous by their absence.

Full-time: Kickers 3-1 IECS HIFI FC

Scorers: Robert Sherratt, Andy Thompson, BLAKE MACE!

How they performed:

Gary Moore: Currently making  a name for himself between the sticks, Gary has been able to concentrate on playing rather than managing now that Bayliss has been given responsibility for substitutions. As managerial double acts go, they are less Brian Clough and Peter Taylor and more Sam Allardyce and Sammy Lee – no prizes for guessing which ones which either! Obviously Gary is a dead-ringer for Sammy Lee.

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Kayla Collins – magnificent pair… of hands. 8/10

Gary Thompson: Our Gaz kind of slipped off the radar this week – we know he was there – he’s on the video footage plain as day –  but this blogger just can’t recall anything Gary actually did. Still, Dickiebliss has said it before and he’ll say it again, Bayliss won an award last season by not doing very much at all. You stick with being anonymous Gary – see what happened to Andy Thompson when he tried to make himself stand out on the pitch!

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Aggro Santos – who? 7/10

Andy Thompson: Talking of whom – a game not to be forgotten for The Kickers hard man. Andy scored his first ever goal for the team with a magnificent shot but was also involved in multiple flashpoints with the IECS team who were unhappy with his rugged defending. Taken out of the firing line in the second half with a bleeding knee, Andy is fast becoming known as the Robbie Savage of the team – apart from the blond hair of course…and the fact that he’s not Welsh.

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Gillian McKeith – public enemy number one 7/10

Alan Hewett: Spent most of the first half marking out the far touchline that was obscured by the snow but came on to good effect arrowing a perfect pass that set up Mace to get the third goal. Spent second half trawling the channels, tidying up loose passes and removing the ball from dangerous areas. And lo – it came to pass that Al was forevermore known as the “snow plough”.

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Linford Christie – still as fit as a butcher’s dog  7/10

Nigel Cass: Spent the whole of the second half doing his pied piper of Hamelin routine, leading the IECS defence a merry dance as he   wandered around the pitch twisting defenders inside out and creating space for others.

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Shaun Ryder – creative genius  – he twists yer melons man 7/10

John Higham: Big John needed a confidence-boosting performance after last week and he delivered. Given a run out up front by Bayliss, John seemed much more at ease than in defence and was only a whisper a way from perfect through balls on a couple of occasions. Such was the difference between games that you would have been forgiven for thinking John’s performance last week was a spoof of the real thing. All that was missing was an oversized mobile phone.

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Dom Joly – trigger happy super spoofer 7/10

Paul Andrews: Dickiebliss is starting to run out of superlatives for Paul. How many different ways can you describe this man as classy? Accomplished? Polished? Refined? Yes Paul was all of these and more but there is one word lacking from Paul’s vocabulary – GOALS! Come on Paul – your onion bag’s emptier than Simon Cowell’s soul.

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Nigel Havers  – cultured performer 8/10

BLAKE MACE! Another terrific performance by Blake. Took his goal well and was full of running which he even put to good use when subbed in the second half and not actually on the pitch by acting as ball boy. Covered every blade of artifical turf (eh?) to the extent that there seemed to be 2 of him at one point. Interesting that as his name even sounds like a double act…”and now the duo you’ve all been waiting for BLAKE & MACE!

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Ant and Dec – everyone loves them and everything they touch turns to gold/goals 8/10 Man of the Match

Robert Sherratt: Veteran Robert turned in another performance that belied his advancing years. Customary goal was backed up with some fantastic pass- and- move action. Clearly unhappy at being subbed twice in the same game by Assistant Manager Bayliss – you were doing some very heavy breathing when you came off though Robert!

If he was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! he would be: Jenny Eclair – Grumpy old woman still refusing to act her age 8/10


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