Dickiebliss’s Blog

After the euphoria of last week’s stratospheric win, Academic Services fell back to Earth with a Bowiesque crash against a team they had beaten easily in a pre-season friendly. A bewildering result for sure but more importantly a concerning performance for Manger Moore to ponder. His troops just weren’t at it and were beaten by the better team on the day.

It was a full roll call of players again complemented by the return of regular keeper Chris Awre, resplendent with fully formed beard after last week’s hibernation. As kick off approached, the HUBS team appeared complete with an entourage comprising of manager, physio, official time-keeper, a tactics board and statistician. Gulp! This lot looked serious and a vastly different proposition to the bunch of losers AS had faced in that friendly fixture. Even so, Moore had faith in last week’s heroes and went with the same starting line-up save for the return of Awre meaning Bayliss and last week’s star performer Hewett were in defence, Andrews and Sherratt formed the midfield leaving Cass to talk himself silly up front.

Hewett issued some tactical advice to the rest of the defence in the tense moments before kick off – something about tracking runners and forming triangles. The only triangles in evidence in the first 5 minutes were Bermuda-shaped as the previous week’s comfortable possession and crisp passing completely disappeared without a trace.

The HUBS tactics board in full effect

HUBS were playing a high-tempo pressing game giving the AS defence less time on the ball than Michael Owen managed in 4 seasons at Newcastle. It was this tactic that led to an error by Bayliss that saw HUBS go one-nil up. With Awre struggling to find an outlet, Bayliss dropped deep to receive the ball. A sudden cry of “Man On!”reverberated across the pitch (no doubt it was from the lips of Nigel Cass), and Bayliss was panicked into passing back to his goalkeeper. His under-hit pass allowed the onrushing opposition striker to nip in and shoot pass Awre into an unguarded net. Disaster!

However, within 2 minutes AS were level. Yet again it was that man Andrews pouncing on a loose opposition pass to saunter upfield and calmly deposit the ball into the HUBS net. So unflappable and laid back was Andrews in scoring that he made The Magic Roundabout’s Dylan look like a hyperactive 6-year old who’d eaten too many Smarties!

Paul Andrews needs to work on his goal celebration - this is rubbish!

Galvanised by the equaliser, AS put together a mouth-watering 4 man move that ended with Cass slamming a shot against the base of the post. Oooh! Close!

Half-time: Academic Services1-1 HUBS

The second half started horribly for AS as they seemed to suffer a bout of sudden collective amnesia and were playing like a team of strangers meeting for the first time at a speed dating evening. Passes went astray, possession was lost and formations crumbled. A string of corners were conceded in quick succession as AS struggled to get out of their own half.

The inevitable happened….HUBS took the lead and again it was a gift from AS. In fact it could not have been more of a gift if the defence had written a shopping list, caught the bus to town, trawled round the shops, bought, paid and wrapped it, hired a sleigh and then turned up on December the 25th in a red suit and white beard. Hewett played a suicidal pass across his own box and behind a sleeping Bayliss allowing the rotund but agile HUBS striker to stroll through and score. Oh dear! Said barrel-shaped forward was beginning to give Bayliss a torrid time with his speed and ball control. The wretched defender was turned inside out so many times that when he was finally subbed he came off with platted blood vessels.

Click below to see Bayliss being given the runaround

2-1 gave way to 3-1 and the final nail came with a literally last second goal following a cheaply conceded free kick. AS did manage a solitary second half attack that resulted in Moore firing straight at the keeper with the ball hacked off the line before Sherratt could turn in the rebound. The final whistle sounded and much debate ensued as to where it had all gone wrong but the truth was that it was a poor display all round. With a return leg against Sports Science next up, Moore has some big decisions to make and a despondent squad to rally.

Final Score: Academic Services 1-4 HUBS

How they performed:

Chris Awre: Produced his usual trick of managing to avoid any criticism despite shipping 10 goals in his last 2 appearances. Nice guys may finish last but amiable Chris is always one step ahead of the rest by ensuring he is the last person anyone would blame for yet another defeat. 6/10

Richard Bayliss: A couple of no-nonsense clearances early on gave way to being given a second half roasting by the chunky HUBS striker. Humiliated. 5/10

Alan Hewett: Big drop in performance level from last weeks MOTM.Spent most of the 2nd half on ball boy duty on the sidelines as AS resorted to hoofing clearances out of the ground 6/10

Tony Ward: Brought some stability to the defence with some sensible positional play when he replaced the floundering Bayliss. Still hasn’t learned to shoot yet as his wild 2nd half drive proved. On your bike Alan Hewett! 6/10

Wayne Thompson: Ousted from the goalkeeper’s jersey by Awre, Uncle Wayne performed with distinction in defence becoming a human wall as he repelled the HUBS invaders. If Wayne was a superhero he’d be The Thing from the Fantastic Four – “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” 7/10

Nice shorts Wayne!

Gary Thompson: After missing much of last week’s game through injury,Gary continued the theme this week by hardly getting a kick as an underused sub. Less than 5 minutes game time meant Gary was first out of the changing rooms post match with precious little need for a shower. 6/10

Carl Barrow: Acquitted himself adequately without really ever getting into the match. Has fallen foul of the squad rotation policy in recent weeks and could be part of a disgruntled queue forming outside Manager Moore’s office come the January transfer window. 6/10

Paul Andrews: A somewhat pedestrian performance from Paul despite his now customary clinically taken goal. “Stroller” Andrews can certainly walk the walk but he rather trudged his way through the game. 6/10

Nigel Cass: And now a man who knows how to talk the talk….Fast becoming the Emile Heskey of the squad – the non-scoring forward. How long can his manager keep faith with him? No doubt Nigel will be able to talk himself out of any tight spot on the subject of his (lack of) onion bag prowess. 6/10

Gary Moore: Talking of a lack of goals…Gary’s current tally for the season? ZERO (and a big fat one at that). Suffered the curse of being Manager of the Week by promptly masterminding a dreadful team performance. 6/10

Robert Sherratt: One of the few to emerge with any credit. Solid display in the middle of the park with some stout challenges and intelligent distribution. Denied a goal by a dramatic goal line clearance. Pipped Wayne Thompson to MOTM by uttering the magic phrase “WHO WANTS IT?” late doors. 7/10 Man of the Match

Click below to hear Brian Clough’s verdict on Academic Services performance:

A week is a long time in football – last week Thierry Henry was one of the classiest acts ever to have graced the English game with a nice sideline in endorsements and TV ads. This week he’s the cheating smug git responsible for the “Hand of Frog” goal that broke Irish hearts. In a carefully worded statement, Henry claimed that “Of course the fairest solution would be to replay the game but is not in my control”….unlike the ball the other night which his hand had full control of.

Also only last week the Academic Services football team were the intramural league whipping boys, their results divining such depths of awfulness that they made JEdward look like the natural successors to the Beatles. This week they toppled the league leaders with a display that was faultless – prompting their manager Gary Moore to comment post-match that his boys were “Not a foot wrong today, the amount of effort put in was amazing.” Shucks…

After a rigorous training session on Monday complete with cones, shuttle runs and warm-up and down exercises, the AS lads assembled for the early 12.00 pm kick-off (blame the Sky cameras) with a newly discovered purpose and discipline. However the opponents were Coastal Studies, the team of unfeasibly tall god-like figures that inflicted a 7-0 mullering (© Mick McCarthy 2009) upon AS last season. Would history repeat itself or could AS defy the odds (and gods) and get a result?

Robert Sherratt confidently announced that the team could nick a 1-0 win …a bold statement with one hitch…that would involve the notching of an AS goal, something of a rare commodity this season. Indeed when Carl Barrow is your team’s joint top scorer (1 goal stats fans) then you know that you are less likely to find the onion bag than a bag -hating Alliumphobia (look it up) sufferer with an irrational fear of the cricketer Graham Onions.

Graham Onions - insert your own gag!

However, Paul Andrews was back in the starting line-up which had a determined steeliness about it. With Chris Awre having gone into beard growing hibernation, last week’s harshly criticized Wayne Thompson once again showed the nerve to step into the goalkeeping breach. Brother Gary and Richard Bayliss were on defensive duties whilst Andrews and Sherratt supplied the midfield with quality and effort (you can work out who supplied which for yourselves surely?). Suprisingly, Manager Moore went with the talkative Nigel Cass as the lone striker (maybe hoping that making him play in isolation would reduce the chat with no-one to jabber to!).

Kick off…and immediately Andrews attempted an audacious strike on goal from the halfway line – this was new… and it proved to be a marker for the rest of the game. All of the hard work the lads had put into training was paying off – neat short passes that were finding their targets, everyone looking comfortable in possession, no panicked hoofs upfield. And then…a GOAL! A loose pass from Coastal Studies was seized upon by the leggy Robert Sherratt who went helter-skelter towards goal…but could he find a finish? Oh yes he could! A lovely side foot past the keeper into the net and an end to the jokes about the team being renamed Academic Servicesnil.

Back came the Coastal Studies giants and they immediately rattled the post (well it was a little disconcerted to say the least). But with Wayne Thompson barking out instructions to his defenders,the AS goal remained intact. Then… a setback. Gary Thompson turned his ankle when making a meaty clearing challenge and had to go off, his game cruelly over before half time. Carl Barrow sprinted on as his replacement and was immediately involved in a flash-point incident when he clattered into an opponent which left both players on the floor. There was an audible intake of breath as time stood still – would there be an angry reaction from Coastal Studies? As Harry Hill would say “FIGHT!”….but no… Carl simply shrugged and muttered ” Sorry..” and the action continued.

This was a controlled display from AS and, incongruous as it sounds, it was no surprise when they went 2-0 up. A wonderful turn by Paul Andrews from a Cass through ball and he was away down the left flank before slipping the ball under the body of the advancing keeper. 2-0! Two actual goals scored…before half time…this hadn’t happened since playing that team of girls last year! Fortunately half time was signaled before anybody became too giddy with excitement.

Click below to see Paul Andrews’ turn prior to scoring his goal:

Half-time: Academic Services 2-0 Coastal Studies

With the Coastal Studies team beginning to argue amongst themselves as to how it was possible they could be losing to Academic Services, their play became increasingly desperate in the second half. The long ball was resorted to and one such punt upfield brought about a sickening 3 man collision between Bayliss, Alan Hewett and the nippy opposition striker. Somehow all 3 managed to arrive in the same space at exactly the same time and the game was brought to a halt as the players lay prone. Despite initially seeming to be the least injured, Bayliss went onto to nurse a weeping grazed knee all weekend requiring bandage after bandage. Oh yeah…the other two were OK apparently….

Click below to see a replay of the collision:

The AS lads were continuing to play their passing game and when a cross came in from the left, Moore pirouetted in the box (ouch!) and a neat step over allowed a marauding Hewett to steal in at the far post to convert. 3-0 to the Academic Services…I’ll type that again….3-0 to the Academic Services…unbelievable!

By now the kitchen sink had been called for by Coastal Studies and, duly summoned, was flung at the AS defence with great vengeance. At the heart of that defence, Hewett was having the game of his life and threw himself into every challenge, blocking shot after shot with any part of his body that was available. When Coastal Studies did at last get past Hewett, Wayne Thompson stood firm with a number of heroic saves, and when they finally beat Thompson the post came to the rescue (well it at least asked if everyone was OK).

And then…the final whistle! A truly astounding scoreline – what an achievement! A result that is up there with some of the great upsets of all time…think Hereford,Ronnie Radford and all those parkas or Wimbledon beating Liverpool in the cup final (‘the crazy gang have beaten the culture club” and all that). This may have eclipsed them all.

Its 1972 and non-league Hereford have just dumped Newcastle out of the FA cup - everyone played in black and white back then

Final Score: Academic Services 3-0 Coastal Studies

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Proving the “a week is a long time in football” theory single-handedly, Uncle Wayne played a blinder. Labelled a donkey last week, Thompson the younger was more feline than asinine this week, leaping like a cat to repel everything that was thrown at him. His performance may have worried the absent Chris Awre whose place is now under threat – Shilton v Clemence anyone? 8/10

Gary Thompson – Was enjoying a very steady and composed game until he injured himself in one almighty bone -shaking challenge against an opposition forward. Had to sit out the second half as the glory unfolded in front of him yet tantalizingly out of his reach – a bit like Jimmy Greaves missing out on the 1966 World Cup Final. Never mind Gaz, following in Greavsie’s footsteps has its benefits – you’ll get to grow a minging moustache in later life and have to spend years in the company of a tedious Scotsman. 7/10

Richard Bayliss – Followed his manager’s instructions to the letter by sacrificing himself to the game plan (i.e. do not under any circumstances attempt to cross the halfway line at anytime – especially if you have possession of the ball). Didn’t let anybody down. 7/10

Alan Hewett – What a week for big Al! First he turns in the performance of a lifetime with his all action display including a picture-book collection of last ditch, certain- goal saving tackles. Then he ventures up field to slot in his first goal of the season and finally his beloved Spurs only go and win 9-1! Only one complaint Al – how about letting the rest of us have a game next week! 9/10 *Man of the Match*

Tony Ward – Started on the bench but came on to replace Bayliss. Weighed in with a measured performance and a very high pass completion rate. Has committed to playing 3 times a week to improve his fitness and it showed. May need to invest in some more of those surgical knee support accessories he has taken to wearing if he insists on keeping this up! 7/10

Carl Barrow – Nearly started a riot with his first challenge that left a Coastal Studies player counting his limbs. The Portfolio Holder for Communication? It was Carl that needed a good talking to after that tackle. Settled down after that explosive start to provide some useful link-up play and diligent work down the left flank. 7/10

Nigel Cass – Ah now….here’s someone who knows all about communicating. Its the King of Chat, the Prince of Prattle , the blatherer supreme himself… heeeere’s Nigel! Playing in a more advanced role, Nigel’s job was to hold the play up until support arrived. This he did via a number of slaloming runs down the flanks heading towards the byline… until he ran out of space at which point he would turn around and come back the other way all the time shouting “WHO WANTS IT?” in a menacing tone. Never quite managed the goal his play deserved despite spurning a number of chances. 7/10

Robert Sherratt – Scorer of a marvelous goal on the break in the first half, Robert provided the initial spark that ignited belief among the AS team that anything was possible. Marked out by his flaming red hair, Robert blazed with intensity and fervour in the middle of the park for the whole game until the final whistle…. when he spontaneously combusted. 8/10

Paul Andrews – Spurred on by his girlfriend watching from the touchline (meaning the official attendance was a respectable 1), super silky Paul pulled all the strings yet again. Had possession of the ball with more frequency than Katie Price appears on the front cover of the tabloids. Span, turned and scored so quickly that the ball was in the back of the net before his opponent could shout “I’m a Celebrity get me out of here!” …. actually that’s quite a mouthful…8/10

Gary Moore – All his planning, tactics and formations worked like a dream and he basked in the glory of his (team’s) victory afterwards (we could all hear you singing in the changing room showers Gary!). Employed some reverse psychology on his squad in the run up to the game by stating his game plan was to pack the defence in order to keep the score down – a masterstroke that unseated the league leaders with a clean sheet to boot! In the words of one Mr Clough, “Lets see Don flipping Revie do that!” 9/10 *Manager of the Week*

"You've all done very well"

Match day 4 and the AS boys were confident that they could achieve a decent result. Then they looked at the fixture list….today’s opponents were the dreaded Sports Science gang! Led by the lad with the giant afro, this lot had embarrassed the AS team 0-4 last time out with a display of powerful running and precision ball control.

But this is a new AS team with a motivated manager, team talks and training sessions – surely things would be different this time? One look at the calendar may have given an indication of how events would unfold – match day 4 fell on Friday 13th!

Bad luck and misfortune lurked ominously as the team assembled …

“Hang on…where’s Paul Andrews?” inquired an eagle-eyed Richard Bayliss. Alas their star player was once again missing and with Gary Thompson also absent (something about an appointment with a Sky engineer/TV repair man/cable guy….), some jiggery pokery was required from Manager Moore. With goalkeeper Chris Awre back from the US (the International Society of Beard Cultivators AGM apparently), the defence was completed by Richard Bayliss and Wayne Thompson. In midfield Moore plumped for the hard-running Alan Hewett with the talkative Nigel Cass for company and elected to go with the old (well nearly 40 anyway) warhorse Robert Sherratt up top.

A bright start from AS augured well as passes found their targets, the defence was standing firm and Nigel was, as ever, talking a good game – Friday the 13th be blowed! The soothsayers had spoken and all portents pointed to a positive result for Team AS.

Alas, games are determined by incidents and decisions – sometimes they go for you, sometimes they don’t and the curse of Friday the 13th struck in cruel fashion. A super through ball from Tony Ward (on for a tiring Bayliss) put Sherratt through one-on-one with the goalie. A neat feint took the speccy striker past his opponent only for the cheating swine to leg him over – PENALTY REF! For decisions to go your way however, generally you need an official present to make a decision in the first place….unfortunately, as it was Friday 13th, the ref was one Casper the Ghost and nowhere to be seen and the penalty claims fell on phantom ears.

The ref waves away AS penalty claims and gives the decision the other way!

In a double-whammy of misfortune, with the AS team still protesting, Sports Science broke downfield and crashed an unstoppable bullet past Awre to take the lead.

Half-time: Academic Services 0-1 SHES

As the teams lined up for the start of the second half more paranormal activities seemed to be afoot. Chris Awre noticed that the goal that Team AS had been attempting to breach in the first half was not properly aligned with the pitch markings! No wonder our brave heroes hadn’t been able to get a shot on target! Somebody had literally moved the goalposts! What supernatural forces could have caused this occurrence? Was there some astronomical disorientation at large? Or was it the curse of Friday the 13th again?

The spooky goalposts that Chris Awre noticed were out of (cosmic) alignment

With the goalposts shifted back into position, the second half began. The next goal would be crucial. If it went to Academic Services it was game on but a second Sports Science goal would almost certainly seal another defeat. Which way would it go? …..Obviously it went to Sports Science (come on what did you expect?) and from then on in it was to be a damage limitation exercise.

Despite constant rolling substitutes, Team AS began to visibly tire and with their resistant weak the goals started to flow. 0-2 quickly became 0-3 and then 0-4 with Sports Science displaying some unnaturally precise finishes from tight angles with the shots flying in to the only places in Chris Awre’s net that he could not reach.

And then….a spirited fight back from Academic Services. A beautiful 3-man move beginning with an accurate pass from Bayliss to Cass, a wonderful shimmy and cross from the verbose midfielder which arrived straight onto the boot of Robert Sherratt. BANG! Wait for net to ripple….GOAL! But no…yet again the curse of Friday the 13th saw fit to smite Academic Services as the flight of the ball abnormally changed direction mid -air and smacked against the right-hand post and away to safety.

Click below to witness Robert Sherratt’s goal-bound shot being kept out by paranormal forces

Knowing that there goal was now protected by mysterious forces beyond scientific explanation, the SHES team could afford to throw men forward and a further two goals flew in late doors and the 6-0 rout was complete.

Yet again, Academic Services had fallen to another damaging defeat – surely they are due a change of luck? Next game? Coastal Studies and crucially it will not be played on Friday the 13th.

Full time: Academic Services 0-6 SHES

How they performed:

Chris Awre – How often does a keeper let in 6 and get a good review? Bizarrely Chris seems to defy all known football logic here but it would be a harsh critic who blamed him for the scoreline. Solid in the first half, the team’s capitulation after the break left him sorely exposed – ooh painful! 6/10

Wayne Thompson – With elder sibling Gary indisposed, it was time for Uncle Wayne to step out of his brother’s shadow and prove himself as the footballer he undoubtedly believes himself to be. Wayne fancies himself as a ball-playing hard man….I wonder if the record books will agree…let’s see …(sound of pages being flicked)…Wayne Thompson…Wayne Thompson…no they don’t agree…there’s just a picture of a donkey. 6/10

Robert Sherratt – Denied a stone wall penalty in the first half and also a certain goal by mystic forces in the second, Robert will consider himself persecuted by the curse of Friday the 13th. Apparently there is a word for the phobia of Friday the 13th ….paraskevidekatriaphobia. There is a also a word for the phenomenon of hitting the post from 2 yards out when it seems easier to score than miss…crapness 6/10

Gary Moore – And so the goal drought continues….Gary’s eye for the onion bag seems to have been affected by his dual player manager role – men and multi-tasking and all that. Maybe he should clone himself – seems to have worked for “JEdward”. 6/10

Tony Ward – Showed some incisive passing but was struck down by the curse of Friday 13th when, confronted with no option to pass in a tight corner was heard to shout “You all disappeared boys” – spooky! 6/10

Richard Bayliss – Produced a couple of timely clearances and well executed tackles but a lack of fitness told late on as he was increasingly stranded out of position as AS pressed for a consolation goal. Don’t check out your Prozone stats Richard – you’ll only upset yourself. 6/10

Alan Hewett – This man does not know when to stop – would gladly play next week’s fixture as soon as this one had finished. If he was a song he’d be “O Superman” by Laurie Anderson – you feel like it will never ever stop. Maybe Al has Kryptonite for breakfast? 7/10

Nigel Cass – Another garrulous display from Nigel – with his incessant talking he’s becoming a pest (© Chas ‘n’ Dave 1980) – for the opposition of course! 6/10

Carl Barrow – Started on the bench but was chomping at the bit to get involved. Threw himself into every tackle when he did get on and showed some intelligent possession of the ball. Pushing for a starting place next week? 7/10