Dickiebliss’s Blog

AS Kickers 0-1 Coastal Studies

The last day of the season finally arrived for the Kickers after numerous cancellations, delays and postponements and in keeping with footballing tradition, the weather was glorious. No blizzards, no driving rain and no hailstones as the previous few weeks had brought – instead bright sunshine and a moderate temperature – perfect for playing football. The boys looked smart in their newly washed kit and the mood in the camp was upbeat after a win and a draw in the last 2 games. Manager Gary Moore even had designs on a double hat-trick that would take him past Robert Sherratt as leading goalscorer for the season – now there’s belief in your own ability – otherwise known as self delusion.

As for Sherratt himself, his goalscoring exploits for the season were over having been injured during the week playing in a friendly fixture. Robert admitted that in years gone by he would have played through the pain but with his 40th birthday approaching the era of “being sensible” and “acting like a grown up” was beginning and he opted to sit this was one out…dressed in a nice pair of slacks and some comfy shoes no doubt.

No such age concerns for the returning Tony Ward who at nearly 45 is the nailed on certainty for the oldest player of the year award. Tony had missed the last 2 games with a bad back but now he was …well… back! Tony’s warm-up ritual is legendary consisting of numerous jogs, stretches and bends that work together to bring his body and mind to a physical peak. However, none of the above prepared the squad for Tony’s latest exercise that involved him lying on his back and lifting his legs back over his shoulders as if auditioning for the role of a circus contortionist! Thankfully Tony was able to get out of this unnatural (and frankly disturbing) position without the need for medical aid – nobody fancied having to explain this one to the ambulance crew!

Also back was Carl “heart throb” Barrow who was ignoring his doctor’s advice in order to play. What a guy eh ladies? Courage and looks!

After attempting to avoid playing in the previous two weeks by firstly forgetting his boots and then turning up late enough to miss the first half, right back Rob Hall finally managed to miss the whole game by going completely AWOL. We know Rob is a reluctant hero but his shyness is beginning to cripple the team!

Once again there was support for the Kickers on the touchline in the form of injured squad members Nigel Cass and Robert Sherratt plus George Slater who had not been seen anywhere near the 3G pitch since his short appearance for the Kickers months ago. Its true stats fans, the record books will show that George came on as a second half sub against the Law School on 6th November for nearly a whole 30 seconds before having to go off injured. George’s performance went something like this:

• Run onto the pitch
• Loiter in the penalty area
• Receive a pass
• Fall over
• Claim a penalty (denied)
• Signal for a sub
• Hobble off pitch

Hardly a legendary performance admittedly but then Jürgen Klinsmann built a career on less.

For the anoraks amongst you, the Kickers went with the following starting line-up:

1. Wayne Thompson
2. Richard Bayliss
3. Gary Thompson
4. Andy Thompson
5. Alan Hewett
6. Carl Barrow

Subs: Gary Moore, Tony Ward

A promising start from the Kickers saw Alan Hewett combine neatly with pin-up boy Barrow who sent a sharp drive just wide. However, that was as good as it got for the lads in the first half as they began to sit deeper and deeper, inviting attack after attack from the Coastal Studies side. The defence was stretched to capacity with Thompson having to resort to ever more desperate hoofed clearances. On the opposite flank, Bayliss performed a number of last ditch block tackles to repel goal-bound shots including one effort that was stopped using his formidable backside.

As there always is, the opposition included the compulsory loudmouth amongst their ranks, this time in the form of a stoutly built bearded gentleman wearing a Brazil shirt who “effed and jeffed” his way through the entire game. How vulgar!

Ward was brought onto in place of Gary Thompson to add some “experience” to the defence and was soon in the thick of the action, chasing and pressing like a man possessed. Then Moore brought himself on for Barrow and in a rare Kickers attack squeezed an exquisite cross field pass into the path of the on-rushing Andy Thompson. Clear through on goal, Andy lost his composure and couldn’t sort his feet out quickly enough to take the pass in his stride and the ball somehow flicked off his heel and behind him and the chance was gone.

Click below to see how Andy should have dug the ball from under his feet…

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Coastal Studies

With Gary Thompson back on for Bayliss and Barrow swapping with Moore the only changes, the second half began with a familiar pattern emerging. Coastal Studies were starting to get on top and were attacking the Kickers goal with alarming regularity. The big annoying bloke in the Brazil shirt smacked one effort against a post and then…the scabbiest goal you will ever see. A powder-puff cross came in from the right literally on the by-line and trickled towards Wayne Thompson in goals who bent down to easily collect the ball. What happened next defies the laws of physical plausibility. Seemingly from an impossible angle, the ball somehow squirmed under Wayne’s not insubstantial frame and trickled along the goal line, clipping the far post and span into the net! What a shocker!

Click below to see another goal scored from an impossible angle

The Kickers only response seemed to be to loft high balls into the opposition half for Alan “Marathon Man” Hewett to chase and to his credit Al did manage to latch onto one such ball before firing just wide of the post. Bayliss came back on with minutes to go to replace Tony Ward who had run himself into the ground but there was to be no late reprieve for the Kickers. If anything, Coastal Studies looked more likely to grab a second goal than the Kickers were to rustle up an equaliser. The final whistle sounded with Coastal Studies on the attack again – the game and the season was up.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Coastal Studies

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson – Another game, another gaffe for Wayne. It’s easy to criticize but the Kickers to a man should be shaking Our Wayne warmly by the hand and offering him their eternal thanks. Why? For being the one member of the squad brave enough to stand between the sticks every week, his flaws cruelly exposed more than any other player as he performed the role of chief monitor of balls accumulating in the back of the net superbly. As Robert Sherratt and Nigel Cass remarked on the sidelines, they’d rather not play at all if it meant having to play in goals. He may be daft as a brush for doing so but Wayne, we salute you. 8/10 Man of the Match

Gary Thompson – Gary was so taken by last week’s review that he had considered having MAD DOG put on the back of his shirt and a picture of a British Bulldog tatooed across his forehead. However this week, Gary was not so much “Well ‘Ard” as “Scooby Doo” – a stupid-looking canine with the brain capacity of John Terry who never learns that the evil ghost or monster’s true identity is always the only person they had met earlier in the episode. In Gary’s case, he never learns not to jump into a tackle thus allowing the opposition striker to easily glide past him…despite Manager Moore telling him every week not to. 6/10

Richard Bayliss – This season, Richard has come to realize that he doesn’t play football. No, what he actually does is get in the way, delay the action, form a physical barrier – in short, he stops other people playing football. He’s a killjoy, a party pooper, he is a spoilsport in its purest form…he spoils sport. But most of all he writes this blog and awards the players their ratings and this week he awards himself 7/10. 7/10

Carl Barrow – Neat and tidy (like his quiff) display from Carl who had the best chance for the Kickers very early on in the first half. That old football maxim of the chance coming too early in the game applied here though, arriving as it did before Carl had got his eye in (not that he wears a false one you understand ladies). Actually Carl’s link up play wasn’t at all bad but he was as likely to score as John Terry is to be named Father of the Year – oh hang on he was wasn’t he….doh! 7/10

Alan Hewett – Is he man or machine? The Kickers’ very own 6 million dollar man was still full of running at the end of the game – and he’s in training for a marathon. Actually what sort of player could you get for 6 million dollars these days? 6 million dollars is about 4 million pounds … in the last transfer window Hull City turned down a bid from Wolves for Stephen Hunt for that amount. I’d rather have Al in the City team thanks – and I bet he could have the big girl’s blouse in a fight! 7/10

Andy Thompson – Andy gave a master class in how to perform the sliding tackle and didn’t deserve to be on the losing side. Involved in a bizarre incident at half-time when it was pointed out that he had his shorts on inside out! Was it another footballing superstition or was it that Andy had literally turned himself inside out when giving two opposition players the runaround in the corner as the first half closed? 7/10

Tony Ward – If there’s one thing in life Tony hates it’s losing at football – he really can’t stand it. Its got so bad that Tony refuses to accept the reality of Hull City’s results anymore (in Tony’s alternate world City are pushing for a European slot). Something else Tony refuses to accept is his encroaching old age and the small matter of a dodgy back. Neither of these things received any countenance as Tony pulled another great performance out of the (colostomy) bag. 7/10

Gary Moore – Saturday 27th March 2004… Chesterfield’s second division battle with Grimsby Town ends 4-4 and is watched by a crowd of 4,444. This footballing peculiarity, sad as it is, is more interesting than anything Gary did on the pitch. Double hat-trick my a**e! 6/10

AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Dickiebliss was once asked by his line manager the perennial question “What is it about grown men and football?” Indeed….given the conditions this match was played in most of the Kickers squad were asking themselves the same thing. Why would anyone put themselves through this? Just to remind you, the weather on Friday was atrocious and the game itself was played out during a torrential downpour, a cloudburst of biblical proportions.

The game against Estates had already been postponed once and surely it was in doubt again with the relentless rain? A further complication arose with yet more problems on the small 3G pitch meaning the game was shifted to the larger neighbouring pitch. As the lads assembled there was a demonstrative reluctancy to leave the warmth and comfort of the changing rooms and the team chose to do their warm up exercises in there. All except the clearly deranged Gary “Mad Dog” Thompson who was first out, obviously keen to rebuild his reputation after last week’s blog questioned his commitment and manliness by calling him a wuss for missing the game with toothache. Younger brother Wayne felt the pull of sibling loyalty and begrudgingly followed Gary out into the squall muttering under his breath ” It’s sooo unfair….why do I always have to do what he wants to do?” and something about hand-me-down trainers.

Last week’s villain Gary Moore promised to behave himself this time and suddenly the procrastination could go on no longer – it was time to brave the elements and do battle! Veteran right back Bayliss was still unsure and would only depart the changing rooms with an umbrella in hand prompting many a Steve McClaren quip.

With the squad still suffering with injuries, it was a skeleton team of just 6 that made it to the rain-soaked pitch. Estates on the other hand seemed to have a constant stream of players turning up culminating in a multitude of 9. And these guys were big and burly and chomping at the bit. Collectively, they looked like one big seething mass of testosterone. Among their ranks was the massive goalkeeper who kept coming out of his area to play outfield the last time the two teams met. This guy is the proverbial man-mountain. Suddenly a familiar face appeared – it was Alan Hewett – not so much a mountain more of a hillock size-wise but a Ben Nevis in terms of stamina – things were looking up!

With the arrival of Hewett it was agreed to play 7-a-side and the Kickers lined up thus:

1. Wayne Thompson
2. Gary Thompson
3. Richard Bayliss
4. Alan Hewett
5. Andy Thompson
6. Robert Sherratt
7. Gary Moore

A flurry of excitement when it appeared a crowd was arriving – finally the Kickers had some fans! But no it was actually Tony Ward and Carl Barrow who couldn’t be considered bona fide fans on account of them being (injured) members of the squad – their support was very welcome though and duly noted. Right on kick off last week’s debut boy Rob Hall arrived but too late to make the starting line-up and he had to make do with a place on the bench…and bizarrely there was an actual bench on this pitch with a roof and everything…

The manly men of Estates kicked off and immediately launched a red-blooded attack. There was an audible sharp intake of breath from the Kickers defence as a sea of powerful muscles and pumped up thighs descended on them (“Steady on” watershed ed). The Kickers though had their own hardy, strapping tower of masculinity in the shape of “Mad Dog” Thompson who stood firm and broke up the attack before setting a Kickers breakaway in motion. The ball swept to the other end via Andy Thompson, Gary Moore and then finally to Robert Sherratt who forced the opposition goalkeeper into a smart save.

The rain was now lashing down yet there was some decent football being played in spite of the weather. Although the bulk of the possession was with Estates, the Kickers looked dangerous on the break. Hewett had started in centre of defence but was popping up everywhere, whilst “Mad Dog” Thompson was getting his head in the way of everything. Keeper Wayne Thompson, however, was suffering from a wardrobe malfunction. His specs required constant wiping to clear the rain away from them – in the end he dispensed with them altogether flinging them angrily into the back of the net. The spectating Carl Barrow wisely decided that wasn’t the best place to keep them and effected a nimble rescue act and whisked them away to the safety of the dugout. Some wag from Estates came up with a glorious one-liner – “Should have gone to specsavers mate!” How we all laughed!

Half-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

Bayliss decided he’d had enough at half-time and made straight for Rob Hall who was standing high and dry in the dugout. “I felt a slight twinge in my calf. You’ll have to go on Rob” Bayliss lied through his teeth and Hall was forced out into the unforgiving monsoon in a straight swap at right back.

Conditions were now officially beyond atrocious and to carry on was pure farce- but nobody was going to do the sensible thing and call it a day. These were men after all and this was football – men don’t cry off from the football because its raining (well unless your name is Bayliss obviously). The pumped up Estates boys were still going hell for leather and beginning to get on top. A ball drifted across the box and landed at the feet of the Estates man-mountain 2 yards out who couldn’t miss – yet inexplicably he did as he got his footwork all wrong and the ball bounced off his heel away from goal!

Another Estates thunderbolt arrowed towards the Kickers net but from nowhere Mad Dog Thompson threw himself in the way and deflected the ball away for a corner. At the other end Hewett waltzed past three defenders and into the box but just overcooked it and was caught by one final tackle and the chance was gone.

With the Kickers hanging on all eyes turned to Gary Moore as official time keeper – how much longer could there be? “That’s it fellas” Moore finally cried and the madness was halted with the Kickers recording their first ever draw and stretching their unbeaten run to two (well you have to start somewhere).

“What is it about grown men and football?”…its the adrenalin, the camaraderie…it’s the thrill of winning that tackle, of making that saving clearance …it’s all of these things and more …but most of all…today…it was all about the rain.

Full-time: AS Kickers 0-0 Estates

How they performed:

Wayne Thompson: Credit must go to Wayne for keeping a clean sheet in such treacherous conditions. Many a goalkeeper has succumbed to the elements down the years but not so our Wayne. Although he admitted after the game that he couldn’t see a thing outside of his area once he’d removed his glasses, he managed to hold firm and was as brave as a lion – Clarence the cross-eyed lion from Daktari obviously. 7/10

Gary Thompson: Talking of animals…here comes Mr Mad Dog himself. Not so much lion-hearted as rabid pit-bull, Gary turned in a frenzied performance of tackles, blocks, clearances and challenges. He literally was like a dog with a bone that wouldn’t give it up. Bitchin! 8/10 Man of the Match

Richard Bayliss: Touched the ball five times in the first (and his only) half before disappearing to the safety of the dugout. The five touches were pretty decent though. 6/10

Alan Hewett: Where was Al meant to be playing? Started off in defence before moving up front via the right wing. Seemed most likely to break the deadlock for the Kickers. Rumours persist that Al will be giving up the footy due to his training regime for his upcoming marathon. Say it ain’t so Al…7/10

Andy Thompson: A combative display from Andy who is fast becoming the “action man” of the team. Often heard bellowing the commands “Volunteer needed for a special mission” (cue disappearing act from Bayliss) or “Enemy in range 1000 yards” – watch out for his “eagle eyes” 7/10

Robert Sherratt: Last week’s hat-trick hero couldn’t repeat the feat this week. Never really looked likely to pull the trigger – I think his gunpowder got wet. 6/10

Gary Moore: Chastened by last week’s review, Gary was much more placid but like Samson without his hair, taking away the aggression from his game reduced his impact. Apparently Samson’s heroic feats included slaying an entire army with only a donkey’s jawbone…a donkey you say?…why does that ring a bell? 6/10

Rob Hall: Pressed into action by the lame Bayliss, Rob looked confident in shoring up the right hand flank with some measured passing and tackles. But why didn’t he play from the start? A “reluctant hero” maybe? Wikipedia cites Han Solo from Star Wars as an example of a reluctant hero – a man initially reluctant until he realised there was no one else but him who could succeed. Hmmm…so if Rob is Han Solo, does that make Bayliss C3PO? A cowardly robot with stiff joints. Sounds about right….7/10