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It was destined to be a day of firsts – the match was played on a different pitch for the first time, the Kickers unveiled their brand new strip and there was also a debut game for a new member of the squad. Unfortunately, there was nothing new about the result which had an all too familiar look to it.
With the normal 3G pitch out of use due to Health & Safety concerns, the game was to be played on one half of the neighboring full-size pitch. As the local school had this pitch booked for 1.00pm the Kickers game was required to kick-off promptly at 12.30pm – so no time for any of the normal pre-game shenanigans such as ” crossbar challenge” (who can hit the crossbar from long-range), “back-heel flick-trick” (who can perform the most outrageous back-heel) and of course the perennial favourite “Its a knockout” (who can knock goalkeeper Wayne Thompson to the floor with a well-aimed pile-driver to the head).
And yet another first – it was agreed by the two managers that the game would be 7-a-side as opposed to the normal 6-a-side format seeing as both sides had 7 players each and it would be mean to make substitutes freeze on the sidelines. How considerate and what a refreshing attitude from the Kickers’ opponents after last week’s bad form displayed by the Union All Stars! In the end the Kickers had 8 players and so one perishing soul did have to do his impression of a glacier on the touchline – the poor unfortunate Carl Barrow was last to turn up (something to do with hair gel and an unruly quiff) but the first to go numb as his place in the starting line-up went to new boy Andy Thompson.
Hang on – did you say “Thompson”? Not another one surely?! Yes, in what seemed to be an attempt to turn the Kickers into a footballing version of Duran Duran there were now three members in the team all with the same surname!
Quifftastic! Duran Duran contemplate asking Carl Barrow to join the band
Andy had paid his rock ‘n’ roll dues though. By turning up to every training session since well before Xmas, Andy had done the footballing equivalent of a pop hopeful playing every dirty, grimy working men’s club from Sunderland to Hull before hitting the big time and headlining Wembley stadium as a fully fledged rock star. His big moment had arrived and Andy was determined not to let it pass him by.
If Andy was under the impression that the Kickers always looked this slick an outfit, the veterans of the team were trying to come to terms with the air of professionalism their new kit was lending them. Indeed, Alan Hewett had to be forcibly coerced to change out of his normal Spurs top and into the new strip – apparently big Al feared that, similar to Sampson having his hair cut off, he would lose all his power and prowess without a cockerel on his chest. The curse of the superstitious footballer strikes again!
And so to the action…the 7 -a-side agreement meant a new formation that Manager Moore had to explain at length to his charges (“No there’s 7 of us – that’s one more than six so we can play with an extra player at the back this week”) Maths is obviously not the Kickers strong point!
Manager Gary Moore goes back to basics in the face of blank expressions from his team
The Kickers starting line-up in full:
Goalkeeper: Wayne Thompson
Right defence: Richard Bayliss
Left defence: Gary Thompson
Centre defence: Tony Ward
Midfield: Andy Thompson
Midfield: Alan Hewett
Striker: Gary Moore
It was in essence the Christmas tree formation with Tony Ward anchoring the defence in the centre-back position…and it was working! The defence showed great solidity with the Law School having to resort to ever more desperate long range pot shots.
Even when a cross field ball from Gary Thompson was mis-controlled by Bayliss and pounced upon by an opposition forward, the 41 year old defender recovered by showing a turn of pace that belied his advancing years and executed a perfect sprawling sliding tackle to block the shot. As forward and defender laid prone on the floor, Bayliss was first to react to swipe the ball to safety whilst still on the ground. Then something totally unexpected…the Law School forward congratulated Bayliss on his tackle (“ooh n0 missus don’t!” etc). This was sportsmanship of the highest order – there were even unconfirmed reports of a Law School striker politely asking if any of the Kickers minded awfully if he chanced his arm and had a shot at goal!
Meanwhile, Moore took himself off to allow Barrow to defrost with a run-out. Almost immediately and unexpectedly those polite law boys sprang a surprise by taking the lead. Still restricted to long range shooting by the Kickers defence, a Law School striker simply let fly from what appeared to be the halfway line and the ball skidded on the slippery surface through the hands of Wayne Thompson and into the net. The Law school skipper offered to let the Kickers have a penalty to even up the score so ashamed was he of the undignified way in which his team had taken the lead by virtue of the poor weather conditions but Moore declined the offer.
Click below to see the stupidest goalkeeper of all -time (not our Wayne!)
The extra man at the back however was allowing the Kickers defence to get forward like never before. Bayliss entered nose-bleed territory with a saunter upfield that culminated in a strike on goal that cannoned into Barrow damaging his quiff in the process. The ball deflected off a defender and out for a corner to the Kickers. The corner came in and was fumbled by the Law keeper straight to Barrow. Carl was obviously operating on a different time scale to everyone else (maybe as he’d arrived late) and, thinking it was still the pre-match warm-up, indulged in a solo bout of “crossbar challenge” and whacked the ball against the upright. As Carl wheeled away in celebration at his achievement his team-mates groaned collectively. The Law may be an ass but Carl had just proved himself to be a proper donkey!
Half-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Law School
The pressing matter of the pitch being booked by the local school from 1pm meant there could be no half-time team talk so there was just a quick swap of ends and the match restarted. New boy Andy Thompson was seeing a lot of the ball and he deftly played Alan Hewett in on goal but Al got caught between two minds whether to blast or chip his shot and in the end did neither and the chance was gone.
The Kickers were in the ascendancy now and the next chance fell once more to Carl Barrow who was set up for an attempt on goal following good work again by Andy Thompson. Carl steadied himself, took aim and, as the ball whizzed past him, produced a perfect air shot, his foot connecting magnificently with nothing.
Click below to see the Barrow air-shot
With the kickers desperate for a goal and time running out, Tony Ward sacrificed himself to allow the greater goal threat of Moore to re-enter the (ahem…legal) proceedings with Hewett dropping back into defence.
Alas, the Kickers were to be thwarted in bizarre circumstances. As an off target Law School effort missed Wayne Thompson’s left hand post, it ricocheted off the parameter stanchion and into the gated and locked playing field behind. In the absence of a substitute ball or a set of keys, and with the school sports master now glaring angrily at the players, it was decided that enough was enough and the game ended. The second half playing time was a mere 7 minutes! Game abandoned due to locked gate! The result however stood.
Full-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Law School
How they performed:
Wayne Thompson – Marshalled the defence with his usual authority but the memory of the goal he conceded will have kept him awake into the early hours of Saturday morning. Never mind Wayne, you can always blame those cheap goalkeeper gloves that brother Gary bought you for Xmas! 6/10
Gary Thompson – Mr Consistent. Has made his name one of the first on the team-sheet of late with some towering performances. No mean feat with 2 other namesakes in the team. That’s “Thompson” spelt G-A-R-Y! 7/10
Richard Bayliss – Seemed to prefer the wide open flanks of the new pitch and certainly benefited from having Tony Ward beside him in defence. Even attempted to live out his Roy of the Rovers fantasy by appearing in the opposition penalty box as an additional striker on occasion. Not bad for an old fella. 7/10
Tony Ward – And talking of the older generation, here’s the most elderly man on the team. The venerable Mr Ward returned to the fold this week to show us all that you cannot beat a bit of experience at the back. He may be a bit grizzled, he’s certainly grey-haired but Tony proved he’s not yet old hat with an enthusiastic yet measured display of old school defending. (Enough with the “old” references! Age discrimination ed) Man of the Match 8/10
Carl Barrow – Poor old young Carl! Another traumatic week for the Kickers would be pin-up. Never really got into the game after a false start due to a quiff-related incident. He seemed weighed down by the burden of expectation as lone striker until Moore reappeared – or maybe he was just swamped in his new kit. Are you really an XL Carl? 6/10
Alan Hewett – What can you say about big Al? This blogger couldn’t think of anything so I googled him. Guess what? Nothing. Well, I say nothing, there was a reference to an Alan Hewitt – a deceased American actor whose main claim to fame was a small role in 60s sci-fi comedy “My Favorite Martian” about an alien from the planet Mars who comes to earth and lives with a human being under the guise of his uncle Martin. As far as we know our Alan is definitely human although his capacity to run and run and run has led to a rumour of him being “superhuman”. Tireless performance as ever. 7/10
Andy Thompson – Showed no nerves on his debut and saw a lot of the ball from start to finish. Confident in possession and determined of tackle, Andy looks to be a decent signing for the Kickers. If only he would consider changing his name – three Thompsons is enough to confuse anybody. Look at 80s synth-pop trio the Thompson Twins – how confusing were they? (the main confusion was why they were so successful – Music ed) 7/10
Gary Moore – Puzzling game for the gaffer. Took himself off early doors to allow Barrow on and was only seen again in the last 3 minutes of the truncated second half. This new “less is Moore” policy isn’t working Gary. 6/10
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With no game since early December due to the weather, the Academic Services squad had kept themselves fit with some indoor training sessions and despite the wind, rain and cold assembled on Friday lunchtime full of New Year resolution. Ah yes, New Year, new beginnings, a fresh start, ringing the changes and all that…and one thing that surely needs changing is the team name. From now on this blog will refer to the lads using the new team name of the “AS Kickers” (© Freda Oliver 2010). Much better…
As ever the squad turned up in healthy numbers but were minus two regulars – Tony Ward was away on a course learning how to collaborate with himself (maybe his left foot will know what the right is doing from now on) and alarmingly top scorer Paul Andrews was also unavailable.
Nevertheless it was still an 8 strong squad and manager Moore unveiled a new tactic of splitting it into “offensive” and “defensive” mini teams. Each mini team would work on their own tactics independently and substitute only within their group. A bit like American Football but without the cheerleaders (FYI: there are still plenty of vacancies for Kickers cheerleaders if any ladies are interested!)
With Chris Awre seemingly now permanently dethroned as the Kickers number 1, this was the lads starting line-up:
- Goalkeeper: Wayne Thompson
- Right defence: Richard Bayliss
- Left defence: Gary Thompson
- Midfield: Nigel Cass
- Midfield: Robert Sherratt
- Striker: Carl Barrow
The cold weather was causing problems even before kick off as Carl Barrow point-blank refused to take off his blue waterproof training top until it was made clear to him that he was starting and would cause a colour clash if he didn’t remove it. “Hey Carl, fancy a game?” shouted Nigel Cass as Carl stomped up and down the touchline moments before kick off with his lower lip stuck out in defiance.
Bizarrely, the weather had not put off a record crowd of 5 people turning up to watch – everyone of them a Union All Stars supporter! Without even the encouragement of Paul Andrews’ girlfriend (so far the only Kickers fan to ever turn up…ever), the lads made a very tentative start. There was very little going forward and every Kickers player seemed to have been struck down with Ray Wilkinsitis – think of a formation-dancing troupe consisting entirely of crabs and you’ve got the general idea.
Ray Wilkins demonstrates a physique that is an all too familiar sight in the AS Kickers' changing room
As the half wore on it became apparent that an element of “niggle” was creeping into the action. Tackles were late, elbows were high and pushes were plentiful – and all of it coming from the Union All Stars! The Kickers of course always play the game in the spirit of the Corinthian Casuals, promoting fair play and sportsmanship – no Kickers player has ever been cautioned let alone sent off (mainly due to the fact that there has never been a ref for any of their games but nevertheless).
Unused to such unsporting tactics, our brave heroes struggled to come to terms with their dirty opponents. Inevitably the AS defence was breached. Some outrageous pushing and shoving at the hands of the All Stars causing Bayliss to shank a clearance from an incoming corner straight to an opposition striker who planted a shot into the back of Thompson’s net.
The main culprit dishing out the All Stars dirt was a a man who bore the legend “AOB” on the back of his shirt. AOB? Was this some ludicrous take on the Elvis Presley acronym TCB? For non Elvis aficionados, TCB stood for Taking Care of Business – Elvis named his band TCB and incorporated it into an emblem which was used in several pieces of jewelry including his famous T.C.B. ring. Its a sinister moto with Mafia connotations that promotes images of organised crime. AOB of course means “Any Other Business?” and promotes images of a softly spoken Chris Awre chairing an Information Management team meeting – it doesn’t carry quite the same tone of menace does it?
As the “niggle-o-meter” ticked over into boiling point, a late challenge on Gary Thompson brought howls of outrage from the AS team. The perpetrator was that man AOB – the Dick Dastardly of the 6-a-side world!
Click below to relive the horror tackle on Gary Thompson (N.B. The Kickers new and yet to be unveiled strip is not pink)
Half-time: AS Kickers 0-1 Union All Stars
The Kickers were in need of an injection of pace upfront and so Gary Moore entered the fray in place of Sherratt whilst Bayliss made way for Hewett in defence. By now the rain was teeming down making the conditions especially difficult for the goalkeepers. Moore was alert to this and, pouncing on a misplaced All Stars pass, unleashed an unstoppable rocket that stung the opposition keeper’s hands causing him to spill it into his net. GOAL! It was a waspish strike from Moore with hardly any back-lift and it also ended his personal season long goal drought. “How about that then?” Moore shouted to Bayliss (the official team statistician) on the touchline. A massive thumbs up was the reply.
Suddenly the Kickers were full of confidence – Cass nonchalantly tried his luck from distance and was unlucky to see his drive rattle the base of the post. Talk about a game of two halves! But just as the match was within their grasp, a mistake in the Kickers defence allowed an All Stars striker to nip into the penalty area to poke a shot past Thompson and into the Kickers’ net.
The injustice of it all became too much for the still sulking Carl Barrow whose ankles had been tapped one time too many. “That’s it – I’ve had enough! I’m refuse to play against this bunch of caddish bounders a moment longer – the rotters!” Carl barked channeling his inner Corinthian spirit once more. “You better have a word with him” Cass remarked to Manager Moore. With a consoling pat of the head, Moore replaced Barrow with Sherratt who was eager to return to the action. At the same time Bayliss replaced Hewett in defence as the game entered the final quarter.
The tears flow as Barrow loses the plot - Papa Cass looks on in responsible adult mode
Sherratt’s impact was immediate as he harried and chased and blocked and tackled. Picking up a loose ball in midfield he advanced to the edge of the area, checked, looked up and let fly. It was a goal from the moment the ball was struck and it arrowed into the far left hand corner. WHAT A SCREAMER! The scores were tied up at 2-2.
Click below to see Sherratt’s Screamer
It was up for grabs now – but even as the Kickers were dreaming of unlikely glory they manged to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. A speeding All Stars forward got in behind Gary Thompson and cut into the penalty area. Bayliss tried in vain to close him down but was unable to prevent the ball across the box. Lurking at the far post was Dick Dastardly (aka AOB) who nudged in front of Sherratt (illegally no doubt) to glance the ball into the net of his shin. 3-2 to the All Stars. Drat, drat and double drat!
Union All Stars forward AOB celebrates his goal with a dastardly twirl of his moustache
Before you could shout “Muttley…DO SOMETHING!!”, the ball was down the other end as the Kickers launched one last desperate attack to salvage the game. Moore forced a corner and beckoned everyone but Wayne Thompson forward. Even Bayliss was allowed to cross the halfway line for the first time in 3 games. As the corner was swung over Bayliss loitered at the back post but was comprehensively out-jumped by his All Stars marker who did though concede another corner. This was it – one last chance. Bayliss stepped up and delivered a decent outswinger across the face of the box that just begged a touch from someone, anyone to divert it goalwards but its trajectory beat everyone and glided harmlessly away to safety. Curses! Foiled again!
Fulltime: AS Kickers 2 – 3 Union All Stars
How they performed:
Wayne Thompson – No clean sheet for Wayne this time but he turned in a decent impression of a goalkeeper anyway with some authoritative handling and cross interceptions. Needs to invent a pair of glasses which come with windscreen wipers as standard for the next rainy day game though. 6/10
Gary Thompson – Put in an almighty shift shoring up the defence despite nearly being cut in two by AOB’s horror tackle. Made countless crucial interceptions and clearances – didn’t deserve to be on the losing side. 7/10
Richard Bayliss – Didn’t do much wrong – didn’t do much at all in fact. 6/10
Alan Hewett – Not one of Al’s better games with some loose passes that didn’t find their intended target in evidence. Al didn’t seem to know where he was meant to be playing in the end and became increasingly isolated caught between defence and midfield. Maybe he should have gone on that “Collaborative Working” course with Tony. 6/10
Carl Barrow – Not one to tell the grandchildren about. “Now then kids, has Grandad ever told you the story about the day I sulked through an entire 6-a-side game whilst refusing to take my waterproof off because it was raining” 6/10
Nigel Cass – Growing in confidence with every appearance, “Stroller” Cass shimmied his way through the game with some daring snake-hipped moves. Unlucky not to score with a long-range strike that reeked of sang-froid. Here’s a thought – if Nigel had his own personal army of female fans would they be called Cass-ettes? 7/10
Robert Sherratt – Herculean performance from Big Bob Sherratt capped by that unstoppable missile of a goal that briefly threatened to earn the Kickers a deserved draw. Determined of tackle, sure-footed of pass, brave to the point of stupidity, Robert did not know when to stop – well apart from his usual 5 minute rest at the start of the second half to get his breath back. 8/10 Man of the Match
Gary Moore – He’s back.. back…BACK! Gary rolled back the years to break his season long goal drought with a smashing effort that would surely have won the “goal of the match” award on any other day. Gary was pipped at the post for that particular accolade by Sherratt’s genre defining wonder strike but that shouldn’t detract from a very polished performance up front from the gaffer. 7/10
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