And so it all came down to this…a match between two teams that was as pointless as a shin-kicking contest between two one-legged men with the prize of a pair of Doc Martens for the winner (and as attractive to watch some may say). And yet….
…these guys were operating in the eye of the hurricane and when you’re in it every pass, every lunge, every moment is loaded with meaning and consequence. Yes the Bookworms’ season had been strewn with disappointments and disaster but here was one last opportunity to prove their worth on the only stage that matters – the 3G pitch (the one in the extreme left hand corner that borders Inglemire Road).
In the pre-match build-up the sense of togetherness was palpable – Thompson twin Wayne even offered to share his locker with Bayliss – an indication of how far these guys would go for each other. With belief and purpose the players assembled – buoyed by the knowledge that they had destroyed their opponents 3-0 in their last meeting. Then the news came that the brave Bookworms had dreaded: ” The All stars have drafted in some new players for this one” proclaimed Gary Thompson. For “new players” read “ringers”….a collective gulp was audible from the Bookworms.
But two can play at that game as Gary Moore announced that his mate Paul would be playing for the Bookworms. Paul had not been seen since the 3-1 defeat to IECS/HIFI on 13th March and had been a goalscorer and star player on that day and now he was back! Alas as kick off approached there was no sign of Paul and with the All Stars keen to start the Bookworms (with Simon Lamb gone into hiding for fear of another 4/10 rating) lined up thus:
- Goalkeper: Wayne “Shilton” Thompson
- Right defence: Richard Bayliss
- Left defence: Gary Thompson
- Midfield: “Big” John Higham
- Forward: Gary Moore
- Forward: Robert Sherrat
As for the opposition they looked purposeful and were led by a skipper who bore an uncanny resemblance to Grange Hill’s Trevor Cleaver – a carrot-topped Arsenal supporting bully who developed an alcohol problem in series 12. He wore the legend “Horatio” on his shirt but did he have the “Nelson touch” -the ability to inspire and bring out the best in his men? If inspire means dispute every decision and berate your team-mates with expletives at every juncture then yes this man did have the “Nelson touch” – he was also a Napoleonic bore.
The Union All Stars captain
And so to the action – the Bookworms were looking tight at the back with Wayne Thompson displaying a new found authority and confidence between the posts. Gary Thompson looked his usual solid self and Richard Bayliss at last had found a position on the pitch he felt comfortable in with some timely interceptions and accurate ball distribution. Up front Gary Moore looked lively but “Big” John Higham had taken up a position far too deep which Robert Sherrat was quick to point out.
As a stalemate broke out, Paul Andrews finally arrived and Gary Thompson was the unlucky man to make way with Robert Sherrat dropping deep to fill in at the back. It was clear immediately that Paul was a class act and the Bookworms looked to give him possession at every opportunity. With Paul’s confidence on the ball and his seemingly telepathic appreciation of where Gary Moore would be, the chances started to mount. Moore went close twice and then when a pile-driver was spilt by the keeper “Big” John Higham could only scuff the rebound straight back into his grateful arms. A corner landed at the feet of Bayliss in the box but the ball came at him too quickly (is this scientifically possible? – Physics ed) and the chance was gone.
At the other end the All Stars huffed and puffed but they could not blow down the door which Wayne Thompson was keeping under lock and key masterfully (who needs Chris Awre anyway?). Robert Sherrat then treated the crowd (some bloke and his girlfriend) to a display of twinkle-toed ball control which outfoxed the three All Stars players surrounding him before playing in Gary Moore but yet again the chance was not converted.
Half- time : Bookworms 0 Union All Stars 0
The Bookworms were in good heart as the second half started. The only change saw Bayliss give way to allow Gary Thompson back into the action. The break had done nothing to disrupt the flow of chances with Bookworms laying siege to the All Stars ramparts. Surely a break through was imminent?
Gary Moore was repeatedly thwarted by the opposition goalkeeper who was enjoying the game of his life. With Paul Andrews prompting and probing, the All Stars defence was at breaking point . Chance after chance came, had a look, decided it had something better to do that afternoon and went. The All stars resorted to parking the proverbial bus in front of goal resulting in numerous penalty box scrambles.
The horror as another chance goes begging for Bookworms
This was like England v Poland in 1973 all over again, the game when Brian Clough famously called the Polish keeper a clown but who withstood wave after wave of English attacks to dump us out of the World cup. This game also had a clown – this one though was not Polish but playing for Union All Stars. Yes, Trevor Cleaver was at it again constantly moaning and barking out instructions to anyone who would listen. This was a man so convinced of his own ability he would make Ben from “The Apprentice” look like someone who had failed an audition to play himself in a film of his own life story.
At the other end Thompson twin Wayne was directing his troops with a military precision that would not have looked out of place in the Battle of Trafalgar. When brother Gary’s tendons finally collapsed, Bayliss re-entered the field of play and immediately robbed an advancing All Stars forward and strode majestically upfield. With the opposition backing off, Bayliss played a swift one-two with Andrews and advanced further into opposition territory. It was at this point that Bayliss suddenly remembered who he was (i.e. an ageing Sam Allardyce lookalike and definitely not Nicolas Anelka) and instead of calmly side-footing a shot to the keepers left, panicked hysterically and crashed a shot wide of the post.
Bayliss pictured seconds after missing that chance
With full time approaching and the tension-o-meter cranked up to unbearable, “Big” John Higham produced a piece of individual skill that left all who witnessed it awestruck in admiration. As a chipped pass upfield descended from the sky, “Big” John swiveled his body shape, let the ball drop over his shoulder and produced a thunderous Van Basten-like volley that screamed towards the net. “This one’s in for sure!!” nobody in the crowd shouted aloud in a Roy of the Rovers fashion but the shot curled wide and away taking with it Bookworms’ dreams of glory.
“Big” John Higham goes oh so close!
And so it came to pass that in the final minute of this epic engagement the Bookworms were to succumb to the classic sucker punch. As the seconds ticked away an All Stars forward pounced on a loose ball and from a full 25 yards out produced an outrageously flukey toe-poke that flew into the only part of Wayne Thompson’s net that he could not reach. As the Bookworms sank to their knees the All Stars scorer performed that annoying “come hither” beckoning-hand goal celebration to rub salt in the wound.
There was still time for one last forage upfield from Bookworms but again a sharp drive from Andrews was blocked at the death. Some bloke (and his girlfriend) decided time was up and blew the final whistle (well.. he did that cross armed “its all over” gesture that so annoyed Alex Ferguson recently) and the game was up – Bookworms incredibly, tragically and heartbreakingly had been beaten.
Full time: Bookworms 0 Union All Stars 1
How they performed:
Wayne Thompson – what a performance from the younger Thompson twin! Commanding, assured and crucially the only one who fancied going in goals – a towering display. Unlucky to be beaten late on – did not deserve to be on the losing side. 8/10
Gary Thompson – the very definition of solid – go on look up “solid” in the Collins dictionary and there’s a picture of Gary (actually it says “consisting of matter all through” but we get the idea – ed) 7/10
Richard Bayliss – one of his best performances of the season. Showed great discipline in defence whilst also producing some silky touches of the ball further upfield. Would have to spend 7 years living in Finland, qualify for dual nationality and change his name to Jari Litmanen before he could claim to have a finish in him though.7/10
Paul Andrews – otherwise known as Gary Moore’s mate. If only he had been available for the Bookworms throughout the season. This man does not know when to stop and drove his team forward until the very end. A touch of class. 9/10
“Big” John Higham – found his feet after a shaky start and produced a stunning volley late on that deserved to win any game . Had it gone in he would have hung up his boots there and then John said afterwards – thankfully for Bookworms retirement will have to wait a while yet 7/10
Gary Moore – the master of the mazy dribble. His slaloming runs would have caused any connoisseur of the game to drool and slaver at his skills – his finishing was drivel though. 7/10
Robert Sherrat –Big Bob put a good shift in for the team. Showed excellent tactical nous by dropping to defence when Andrews arrived and also when spotting Higham was doing a Noam Chomsky by being too deep. 7/10
Filed under: football
Any thoughts of a second consecutive win for the Bookworms were quickly exposed as pure folly by this performance which can only be described as a complete and utter shambles. They were not helped by a squad that was depleted by a number of absentees including goalkeeper Chris Awre (again) who’s commitment to the cause must surely now be in doubt with his continued Lord Lucan impression. Robert Sherratt was also a high profile casualty succumbing to a mystery injury late doors.
With Big John Higham also unavailable due to reasons unknown, Pengfei Xue earned a starting place in midfield – rumours that this was to increase shirt sales in Asian territories remain unsubstantiated. Thompson twin Wayne bravely volunteered between the sticks again with brother Gary and Simon Lamb completing the defence. Top scorer Gary Moore and last week’s last gasp hero Richard Bayliss started upfront.
Dark clouds gathered overhead as Bookworms kicked off, a portent of things to come. As they looked upfield to view the opposition, Bookworms must surely have been reminded of a certain Harry Enfield “Kevin the Teenager” sketch – Kevin, having hosted an impromptu house party with his parents out for the night, in response to his Mother’s demand for an explanation as to why the family home lay ransacked on their return, replied tearfully “Big boys came”. The IECS lads looked mythical Roman heroes – tall, youthful and athletic. The crucial and ultimately defining element to their make-up though was this – they knew how to play football… properly.
Within the opening 30 seconds the first goal went in – an effortless and clinical despatch that arose from an error by Lamb who tried to appease the IECS gods by offering them a sacrifice – namely possession of the ball in his own half. A second quickly followed and as the heavens opened so did the Bookworms defence. When a Wayne Thompson clearance was charged down by the marauding IECS forward (Hercules?) it rebounded fortuitously into the net – to be fair to Bookworms at least one of the seven goals was a definite fluke.
The Bookworms mounted a solitary forage into the IECS half thanks to a rambling run by Gary Moore that resulted in a corner. Bayliss trotted over to take it – only he truly knows why he decided against a curling,teasing inswinger into the danger area in favour of punting a toe-poke in the direction of the halfway line that went out for a throw-in.
Half-time came with Bookworms 0-3 down and with a hill the size of Mount Olympus to climb in the second half. With no substitutes available, some radical reshuffling of personnel was required – in practice this amounted to Simon Lamb offering to fall on his sword by going in goals with Thompson twin Wayne deciding now was the time to unveil his Fernando Torres impression to the world by going up front. The ineffectual Bayliss shifted to defence and the new formation took to the field – the IECS gods smiled mockingly at the pitiful mortals in front of them.
What transpired next was of Alamo proportions with wave after wave of IECS attacks overwhelming the Bookworms. In one ludicrously one-sided episode, IECS forced 6 consecutive corners before a fourth goal was inevitably scored – a towering header from a Talos-like giant.
As the goal count clicked on Bookworms seemed unable to keep possession of the ball at all resorting to hoofing it anywhere as soon as it came near. One such upfield punt from Bayliss miraculously intersected the IECS deities to land at the feet of Thompson twin Wayne. Unfortunately Wayne showed as much composure in front of goal as Didier Drogba being interviewed on live TV by the Norwegian Tourist Board to comment on their greatest indigenous national products (A-ha…that’s about it – Ed).
And still the goals flowed…a fifth and sixth in quick succession with Bookworms offering as much defence as Jason the Argonaut trying to repel the many headed Hydra with a carrot. An unforced error from the increasingly dejected looking Bayliss led to the seventh and final goal before timekeeper Zeus finally tired of witnessing the Bookworms being played with by the IECS gods and blew for full-time.
Final score: IECS 7 Bookworms 0h!
How they underperformed:
Wayne Thompson: The first half goalkeeper could not be blamed for any of the 3 goals he let in but as a striker after the break was less like Fernando Torres and more like a jigsaw – he went to pieces in the box. 5/10
Gary Thompson: Doggedly stuck to the “if in doubt kick it out” principle throughout but was completely swamped in the end. His after match quote that the best thing about the afternoon had been the rain said it all really. 5/10
Simon Lamb: After making an error in the opening minute, Simon decided early doors that this was not going to be any fun. Sought sanctuary by going in goals in the second half – an odd decision akin to Norwegian referee Tom Henning Ovrebo laying low from the Chelsea v Barcelona fall out by hiding out in Michael Ballack’s living room. 4/10
Pengfei Xue: Bookworms own Ji-Sung Park was more like Pearson Park – named after mayor Zachariah Charles Pearson who , financially ruined, resigned as mayor and spent the last 29 years of his life in obscurity. Pengfei similarly had that look of resignation about him and went missing as the game wore on. 4/10
Gary Moore: Probably Bookworms’ best player on the day – he at least seemed to recognize that the thing at his feet was indeed a football and that the game is best played by keeping possession of it rather than sending it into orbit at the earliest opportunity. 6/10
Richard Bayliss: A couple of encouraging touches of the ball early on quickly gave way to some wayward passing (including that disastrous corner). Escaped being sent off late on when he handled in the area in an act of self defence to stop an IECS hot-shot hitting him in the face. One late desperate lunge to thwart yet another opposition attack led to a nasty kick on the ankle -it swelled up really bad on Friday night – honest! 4/10
Filed under: Uncategorized
After a spirited display against the Law School last week, the Bookworms lads took to the 3G pitch looking for only their second win of the season. Having lost 7-1 to the Sports Centre team in their last meeting, Bookworms were dealt an immediate blow by the news that regular goalkeeper Chris Awre was unavailable due to a 2.00 pm meeting! Who would take his place in between the sticks? Cometh the hour cometh the Lamb: Simon Lamb stepped into the breach. That sorted, the usual “who’s starting?” debate ensued with Thompson twin Wayne starting on the bench due to a hurty knee
With kick off approaching however, there was no sign of the Sports Centre team. Scared of the mighty Bookworms? Unlikely – the truth was they were struggling to find a team and in the end a scratch team including 3 women (one of whom had never played football before and had to be cajoled by her team mates to play) took to the field.
Starting with Robert Sherrat (just back from injury) and leading scorer Gary Moore up front with last week’s 2 goal hero Big John Higham in the hole a strong looking Bookworms team was completed with Thompson twin Gary and utility man (i.e he’s played in every position and is no good in any of them) Richard Bayliss at the back.
Two minutes and two clinical strikes from Gary Moore later and the bookworms were two up and cruising – but thoughts of an easy win were cruelly exposed as it became apparent that the ladies on the pitch were not there to make up the numbers. The blond left winger would give Usain Bolt a decent race and began to give Bayliss a torrid time. The two ladies in the middle quickly showed some nice touches and it was no surprise that a well taken snapshot by their captain brought the Sports Centre back into it.
This was followed by a disastrous handling error from replacement goalkeeper Lamb who allowed a speculative 20 yarder to slip through his fingers and into the net. Thompson twin Gary gave way to his brother Wayne who was soon in the thick of it breaking up a Sports centre attack and with a quickstep and sidekick strode down the pitch. “Into the gap” Big John Higham cried and Wayne found him with a nicely weighted ball but Big John could not repeat last weeks heroics and the chance went begging. With that someone decided it was half time and the action was halted.
Simon Lamb’s confidence had been shattered by his first half error and demanded someone else go in goal. Thompson twin Wayne somewhat reluctantly stepped up and Simon moved to the right of defence. Big John Higham had run his legs off and sat out the 2nd half with Gary Thompson returned to the left back position.
A first for the Bookworms was then announced when Gary Moore came up with an actual “tactic” for the second half – he would man mark the Sports Centre captain and best player with Robert Sherrat and Richard Bayliss taking up the front two roles. This plan however was quickly dashed when team Sports Centre started with their captain in goals for the second half. As a result, Bookworms returned to their usual kick and rush/ hit it and hope / anywhere will do principles and the action began.
Chances came and went at both ends – a rather hopeful penalty appeal by Sports Centre went unheard by the non-existent ref whilst Gary Moore wasted a one-on -one when he allowed himself to be caught by the three chasing Sports centre women players.
Tension now crept in with one mistake likely to cost the game. The play swung out to the left, Gary Moore hooked a cross in that travelled all the way through to Bayliss on the far right who showed good close control by bringing it down in one movement and slipping a pass through to Robert Sherrat. The tall striker’s effort was blocked but the ball came loose to Bayliss in the area who produced an exquisite toe-poke to score in the top left corner. The net rippled, the onion bag was filled and Bookworms had the lead with one minute to go. One late cross into the Bookworms area caused momentary concern but Thompson twin Wayne stood firm. Final whistle – game over – the Bookworms had their win.
How they performed:
Simion Lamb – proved being tall is no indicator of goalkeeping prowess. Looked more comfortable in second half hoofing the ball away anytime it came near (him) 5/10
Wayne Thompson – was pleased with his customary graze on his knee and also kept a clean sheet when reverting to goalkeeper in the second half. 7/10
Gary Thompson – no nonsense performance at the back from the pony-tailed player manager 6/10
John Higham – only had one sniff of a chance before substituting himself at half time. Looked very tall throughout though. 5/10
Gary Moore – took his two goals well but his reluctance to pass unless he really has to frustrated in the second half. 7/10
Robert Sherratt – looked a bit rusty on his return from injury but never stopped running – useful if you are playing football. 6/10
Richard Bayliss – converted to striker at half time to save him from the speed of the opposition winger. Made numerous intelligent runs in to the box only for the ball to go somewhere else. Sumptuous finish for his first goal for …..a very long time. 8/10
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